Hi there- long-time lurker and first time poster. Thanks for reading and for any feedback in advance!
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years. We are both late 20s/early 30s, Ivy-league educated with advanced degrees. We have progressed in our relationship to the point where moving in together and discussing an engagement is on the horizon. We enjoy each other’s company and families, and love each other. I value my boyfriend's sense of humor, care for me, ambition, and curiosity about the world. While my boyfriend and I agreed to be monogamous at the beginning of our relationship, the actual experience has gone otherwise. While I have remained monogamous, my boyfriend has sexted with guys on Grindr and Scruff, and hooked up with guys behind my back. When we try to block hook-up apps on his phone, he finds other means. For the duration of our relationship, my boyfriend has said he has sexual compulsions that feel out of control; he’s been seeing a therapist since before we met and has had other relationships ruined by his behavior (in his words). I grew up in a house with an alcoholic brother, in an otherwise stable family environment with loving parents and other siblings, so I thought I could handle this issue with my boyfriend, particularly because he has been open to getting help and because it is easier for me to deal with if I view it as a compulsion like drinking to excess rather than as a personal attack on me. Our sex life has been non-existent at times, but my boyfriend says he is physically attracted to me.
Given this background, we have reached a really pivotal crossroads in our relationship and I’m not sure what to do. For the past 6 months I was under the impression that my boyfriend was progressing in being able to regulate and control his compulsions, but he really has not (upon recent discovery). He sometimes states that he should just be in an open relationship with someone else and that he doesn’t have compulsions; other times he states he wants a monogamous relationship with me and he has compulsions. While he has been going to individual therapy, he does not go to the sexual compulsivity group therapy for gay men his counselor recommended and has seemed pretty resistant to tackling this issue head on. We’ve both read work from sex addiction researchers like Robert Weiss and Patrick Carnes and most of the time we agree he fits the bill; sometimes though my boyfriend says he has doubts he is sexually compulsive. I feel like this has become a toxic relationship in a never-ending cycle: I snoop and discover inappropriate things, we fight about it, he apologizes and says he’s going to do better, it gets better for a week or so, and then he’s back at it, and the cycle continues. We’ve talked through everything that I’ve posted, many times. The constant lying to my face about his behaviors until I discover then is the hardest to handle.
My question then becomes: do I stay or go? And how do I deal with the aftermath of staying, or of going? It seems so painful to walk away, but it’s also become so painful to stay. Sometimes I think I should stick this out and see how he progresses; other times I think this is a lost cause and I should find someone who I can develop a different relationship with. Sometimes I enjoy my relationship, and sometimes I feel so alone. I try to simulate life with my boyfriend 10 years from now if we were married and had a child; is this the sort of environment I would want to raise the child in? Is this a life partner who can fulfill my needs? We’ve talked about opening up the relationship but this doesn’t seem like a sustainable option because of trust issues and my boyfriend’s compulsions. I’ve been in serious relationships before so I’m not afraid of being alone, and a year and a half is nothing in the grand scheme of life. A breakup is something that would be hard but that I could get through. I’ve tried breaking up with my boyfriend twice because of this issue, and because of its effect on me, and both times he’s called and messaged and emailed me over and over and over to get me to respond and give him another chance. I just don’t know what to do.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years. We are both late 20s/early 30s, Ivy-league educated with advanced degrees. We have progressed in our relationship to the point where moving in together and discussing an engagement is on the horizon. We enjoy each other’s company and families, and love each other. I value my boyfriend's sense of humor, care for me, ambition, and curiosity about the world. While my boyfriend and I agreed to be monogamous at the beginning of our relationship, the actual experience has gone otherwise. While I have remained monogamous, my boyfriend has sexted with guys on Grindr and Scruff, and hooked up with guys behind my back. When we try to block hook-up apps on his phone, he finds other means. For the duration of our relationship, my boyfriend has said he has sexual compulsions that feel out of control; he’s been seeing a therapist since before we met and has had other relationships ruined by his behavior (in his words). I grew up in a house with an alcoholic brother, in an otherwise stable family environment with loving parents and other siblings, so I thought I could handle this issue with my boyfriend, particularly because he has been open to getting help and because it is easier for me to deal with if I view it as a compulsion like drinking to excess rather than as a personal attack on me. Our sex life has been non-existent at times, but my boyfriend says he is physically attracted to me.
Given this background, we have reached a really pivotal crossroads in our relationship and I’m not sure what to do. For the past 6 months I was under the impression that my boyfriend was progressing in being able to regulate and control his compulsions, but he really has not (upon recent discovery). He sometimes states that he should just be in an open relationship with someone else and that he doesn’t have compulsions; other times he states he wants a monogamous relationship with me and he has compulsions. While he has been going to individual therapy, he does not go to the sexual compulsivity group therapy for gay men his counselor recommended and has seemed pretty resistant to tackling this issue head on. We’ve both read work from sex addiction researchers like Robert Weiss and Patrick Carnes and most of the time we agree he fits the bill; sometimes though my boyfriend says he has doubts he is sexually compulsive. I feel like this has become a toxic relationship in a never-ending cycle: I snoop and discover inappropriate things, we fight about it, he apologizes and says he’s going to do better, it gets better for a week or so, and then he’s back at it, and the cycle continues. We’ve talked through everything that I’ve posted, many times. The constant lying to my face about his behaviors until I discover then is the hardest to handle.
My question then becomes: do I stay or go? And how do I deal with the aftermath of staying, or of going? It seems so painful to walk away, but it’s also become so painful to stay. Sometimes I think I should stick this out and see how he progresses; other times I think this is a lost cause and I should find someone who I can develop a different relationship with. Sometimes I enjoy my relationship, and sometimes I feel so alone. I try to simulate life with my boyfriend 10 years from now if we were married and had a child; is this the sort of environment I would want to raise the child in? Is this a life partner who can fulfill my needs? We’ve talked about opening up the relationship but this doesn’t seem like a sustainable option because of trust issues and my boyfriend’s compulsions. I’ve been in serious relationships before so I’m not afraid of being alone, and a year and a half is nothing in the grand scheme of life. A breakup is something that would be hard but that I could get through. I’ve tried breaking up with my boyfriend twice because of this issue, and because of its effect on me, and both times he’s called and messaged and emailed me over and over and over to get me to respond and give him another chance. I just don’t know what to do.
