Dating a sorta not out Bi-guy.

[LotusOnBuddha]

So today over lunch the guy that i've been dating for the last month-month and a half asked me to take our relationship to the next level, to make it more serious, not to date or sleep with other people, ect. i was actually thrilled i really like him, we click really well and he makes me melt (which is something that doesn't happen often for me, I tend to try to stay objective and I have a reputation for being some what cold). This is all the good part!

Now i was telling one of my closest friends all this and he replied with " wait...you don't mean the bi guy thats not out?...or do you?" And while i was annoyed my friend choose to focus on that, it is something i should reflect on.

The guy...we'll call him Joe... is finishing up his residency in Oncology and does not feel the need to discuss his sexual orientation or our relationship at work ( I fill in part time at the hospital he is working at). And I'm totally fine with that, he does not want to piss anyone off because he's dating a guy that might affect him finish his residency. I can understand that, and to be honest i don't talk about my personal life at work except with a few close co-workers, or even when i was in school unless you were in my tight knit circle of friends I didn't talk about my love life. So i'm fine with that.

He says he is comfortable with telling his family and friends he is Bisexual if our relationship becomes something long term. which he feels it will become, thats why he said he asked me to take it more seriously.

My first concern is that he really isn't ready to come out to them and it could cause some kind of drama. While I'm not in a hurry to meet his family, I would like to meet his friends at some point. He has assured me several times over that he has no problem with it, but he doesn't want to upset his family ( who according to him very old school) if it doesn't work out with a guy and he ends up with a girl. I can understand that. I hate interacting with my family as it is, and i wouldn't want to answer 9-thousand questions as to why Last thanksgiving I was dating a guy and now I'm dating a girl. I'm fine is he being honest with me about being ok with coming out once we are together for good amount of time.

My second concern is that he is Bisexual. I usually avoid Bi-guys. I always have this fear that someday they're going to wake up and say "You know...I want the trophy wife, 2.5 kids , dog, ect." I've talked to "joe" about that and he says that he would never do that. That once he commits to someone, he is with them and if he starts to feel it isn't working he speaks up. Which is true so far we talk about anything openly and honestly which i think is great. I'm a big believer that communication can head off any problem before it becomes a problem.

So, am I as stupid as my friend(S) seem to think i am for continuing to date him, just because he isn't out to everyone? Or are my friends all just very cynical? Is my fear of him waking up one day...ect. irrational and stupid?

sorry for the novel of a post!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi LotusonBudda, what you describe is not uncommon.

Forget for a moment the judgmentalism implied by your friend/co-worker with the statement "you don't mean the bi-guy who's not out." Even though you recognize this as an irritating statement, it's probably wise of you to reflect on it because, at this stage of things, it's probably wise to reflect on almost everything about it.

Only you can know what he means by "bi" and what his character is with respect to one's word and commitment. Just because he's bi certainly does not mean that he could not, or would not, commit to a long term faithful relationship with you.

Second, regarding his level of "outness." People come out at different paces, and sometimes they aren't ready to deal with that at work. Part of it stems with how comfortable they are in their own skin, and part of it stems from very real and practical issues of dating someone who also works at the hospital. It could be that he's not comfortable with this until he's free-and-clear of his educational obligations in becoming a physician.

Bottom line: Judge relationship on how it feels and fits for you. It sounds like there is a lot of good things happening and that the relationship is beginning to blossom. Let it happen and be happy. If, at some point, you're finding yourself sad or frustrated that he's too closeted, then that's something to address at that future time. I wouldn't start inventing problems here that haven't happened yet.

Good luck. Let us know what happens!

 

[Homoerectus]

You have to kiss a lot of cock before you find prince charming. If you aren't willing to give this relationship a try, drop him now. Otherwise, take it one step at a time and see where it leads. There is always a chance of failure in ANY relationship. Are you going to resist every relationship because there is a chance it will fail? If ou do, life will be miserable and lonely.

 

[LotusOnBuddha]

Thats exactly what i'm trying to do, AverageGuy. I try to pump my brakes and take it one day at a time, and enjoy it. Unfortunately we don't get to spend a lot of time together. We're both busy guys. But when we are together its magical. And if we talk online, its disjoined and he's always doing 35 things at once. And if we're on the phone its not like we can really talk because he gets 55 thousands calls and i'm constantly "haning on for one second." Im going to talk to him tomorrow about spending more time together. Not that i want to monopolize his time, but if we are getting more serious, i would like to actually spend time in the same room other than when i get paged for a consult or he calls to ask me about some random drug.

And i totally understand his not wanting to be out at work. I don't fault him for that at all.

 

[operafan]

It seems like it must be pretty serious for him to have asked you to "take it to the next level." I'd say go with it with your eyes and ears open.

 

[rareboy]

You're the one who has to decide if you want ot invest a considerable amount of your emotional energy in a guy that has admitted that you ultimately might be a second best choice if he ends up with a girl.

He sounds like misery waiting to happen in my books, but your heart and gut should tell you what feels right for you.

I just think there's always going to be a wall between you.

 

[KaraBulut]

The guy...we'll call him Joe... is finishing up his residency in Oncology

My second concern is that he is Bisexual. I usually avoid Bi-guys. I always have this fear that someday they're going to wake up and say "You know...I want the trophy wife, 2.5 kids , dog, ect."

Personally, I'd worry more about dating a resident.

The chance that he will wake up one day and want a woman are about the same as the chance that he will wake up one day and want another man. You can't live your life worrying about what another person may or may not want in the future.

So, am I as stupid as my friend(S) seem to think i am for continuing to date him, just because he isn't out to everyone? Or are my friends all just very cynical? Is my fear of him waking up one day...ect. irrational and stupid?

Your friends are not dating him- you are. Only you know the situation.

On the positive side, it sounds like you are going into this with your eyes wide open as to the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.

On the other hand, you just ended an unhealthy relationship. This new one has come on pretty fast. Be cautious about moving too fast.

 

[LotusOnBuddha]

Personally, I'd worry more about dating a resident.

The chance that he will wake up one day and want a woman are about the same as the chance that he will wake up one day and want another man. You can't live your life worrying about what another person may or may not want in the future.





Your friends are not dating him- you are. Only you know the situation.

On the positive side, it sounds like you are going into this with your eyes wide open as to the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.

On the other hand, you just ended an unhealthy relationship. This new one has come on pretty fast. Be cautious about moving too fast.

Dating a resident doesn't bother me. And i fully support him and respect the amount of time and energy his residency requires.

And you are very right this relationship has moved rather quickly, we've only been dating for a little while but we've known each other for about a year. A few weeks after my surgery and the break down of the prior relationship, he expressed a desire to become more than friends. And agreeing to date i feel was the best choice i've ever made.

I should clarify that he has never made me feel like he is going to ditch me for a woman or another man. He is extremely loyal and noble almost to a fault. These are just things that have been swimming around in the back of my mind that i needed to get out and get some feed back on.

 

[bankside]

"If it doesn't work out with a guy"

Well, it's not "a guy" it's you! You're the guy it would be inconvenient for his family to know about if it doesn't work out and he "winds up with a girl."

I tell ya, I'm sure there are a lot of good things about him, but a sweet-talker he isn't.

I don't think that is a reason to dump him, but he needs someone to make fun of him just a little bit for thinking that way...