Dating a "Straight/Bi?" guy

[irudesan]

Would you date a guy that says he isnt gay, he just like to fuck with men sometimes?

I have been "dating" this guy for 3 months, he is 33, separated from wife, has 2 kids, one 5 years old and one 3 years old, he works in construction. At first i thought he was gay because i met him through a friend (that is gay), he told me that they knew each other from their natal town. And my friend told me that he knew that he liked to play "both sides".

The second time i saw him was again at my friends house, and i asked him for his number and we began texting, and eventually we had sex. The first time i started to kiss him and he started to laugh and told me that please dont kiss him in the mouth that he didnt like it, and told me he was sorry, and kissed me in the cheek the whole time. I thought it was weird, but anyways, i let it pass. Then when we are hanging around, eating or something, he keeps staring at women, and making comments like, "wow she has a nice ass" and stuff like that, that i really get somewhat annoyed but just go with it.

The problem is i think i might be getting a little emotional with him, like im begining to like him, i keep thinking about him in the day like a stupid teenager (which im not, im 29). And its worst because we see each other every week at least 2 or 3 times, we dont always have sex, sometimes i just give him a blowjob and watch tv, or we just go to eat somewhere and talk, and then he goes to his house. He usually comes after he gets out of his work, and after that he goes to his house (which is like 1 hour away).

Yesterday he told me that if i wanted to go shopping with him, and when i got to the mall he was with his 5 yr old son, he was going to buy him a pair of shoes. So i was there with a man with his kid, and i wondered for a moment "what the hell am i doing here...?", it was kinda cute though, i mean, its not like im going to raise his kid, but at least he trusted me enough to meet his son. And we had a good time. Sometimes he really seems to care for me, but i feel is kinda like "i like you as a friend that i can have sex, or free bjs sometimes". I mean he texts me but like "whats up dude", nothing cute or anything.

I think with my rational mind that it is just trouble and that i should get away from him, but its hard because i kinda like the attention and the little bond we have made in these months. Im really confused and im afraid in the end i will be hurt. What would you do?

 

[sixthson]

Whenever anyone here seeks advice and they have a very low post history, I usually scan through them to see if there is a common theme. For you, it appears you have terrible luck with guys because you tend to fall for guys who are either not gay or guys whose feelings you can't return. This time doesn't seem to be any different. You knew from the beginning that he says he is not gay but only occasionally want sex with men. This isn't really about him being a bisexual or a closet case, but it's about you looking for love in all the wrong places. In other posts you said you are an MD, so you are not a stupid man. When it comes to matters of the heart, however, you are not too smart. Don't you agree?

Is this guy going to hurt you? No. If you get hurt it's because you walked into it knowing it is not likely to go anywhere. It doesn't sound like he is only interested in you for just sex, however. You do socialize where sex is not part of your time together. He must like you as a friend. It's obvious you are attracted to him as more than just a friend. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

Good luck. Keep us informed.

 

[ElmosToe]

The term "dating" stands out to me.

You mention that you are dating this guy, but it does not sound as if it is the same for him.
Sounds like he may see this as just an FWB situation, rather than dating leading to a relationship.

It's ok to care for him and remain friends but you may be wanting to fall for him because he is the only dude you're being sexual with in your life and most likely it is difficult for you to separate love and sex unlike him.

Have a talk with him about what his perspective is on FWB and ask him if he could ever be in a romantic relationship with a dude.
Then delve into this situation with you two and communicate clearly on where you both stand.

In order for anything to work (relationship, friends, fwb), you both need to be on the same page and it sounds like you aren't even in the same book atm.


Agreed, keep us posted.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you're already hurting. You're "all in" and he's not. You're ready for a relationship and would be wise to look for one regardless of what is going on with this guy.

 

[racer2438]

Last 3 responses,

hit it right square on it...... they are perfect.

you are on a roller coaster and the ride is deff...going to be ruff for you sooner than later.


best to move on ----to men that are available not str8t--or bi

 

[Ganoderma]

Would you date a guy that says he isnt gay, he just like to fuck with men sometimes? I have been "dating" this guy for 3 months, (...). i kinda like the attention and the little bond we have made in these months. Im really confused and im afraid in the end i will be hurt. What would you do?

hi Irudesan,

People are not equal to each other and that's also the case for the kind of relationships people can have with each other. I am also not sure if using the label 'dating' is appropriate for the kind of relationship / friendship you currently have with this guy. Both of you are adults (29 and 33) and I don't see it as problematic when both of you don't want to label the current way in which both of you share parts of your life. Dating is just a label, and there is no obligation to use the term 'dating'.

Apparently, both of you are open gays and I like it that he just want to go with you to a shopping mall and together with his kid. Why not? Please be aware that he is not labelling himself as gay (which does not mean that he does not like to have sex with males), but that he does like to spend alot of time with you (= an open gay guy).

So its up to you if you can live with some sort of incertainty in regard to the type of friendship you have with this guy. Maybe he will suddenly get a new girlfriend, but that might also be the case with you (=boyfriend).

Please be aware that straight guys of your age dating women of his age also often must take into account that this women will have one or more kids. I don't see it as problematic when such a straight guy also gets soon involved in the life of the kids of this women. Why not?

Bottomline, try to figure out for yourself if you can cope with this situation and if you can cope with a situation with a guy where its currently unsure what the future will bring.

Feel free to react and take care.

 

[irudesan]

Hello, thanks for your responses!

I have come to think more about it and yes, you are right. I think that because Im in the closet, maybe I tend to fall for these guys that I know will be hard to have an actual relationship. Its like a bad pattern that keeps coming to my life. Sometimes I feel that if maybe I would come out, things will be different, who knows. But at this point in my life, almost 30, with no girlfriend ever, its kind of obvious I guess. But nonetheless i dont bring myself the strenght to tell my father or the rest of my familiy.

He came yesterday and we kind of cuddled in bed for some time, he is having cold symptoms and was feeling ill, and tired from the work, and asked me if i could give him a massage... so i did and he fell asleep after a while. I wanted to have sex really badly but... i felt it would be kind of dickish to ask him, so i didnt. I was going to ask him if he has ever fallen for a guy, or if he thinks he could, but i couldnt. Maybe I know that the answer will be no. Next time i see him I will at least talk about how i feel, and see what he thinks.

But yes... I definitely know that i should start to get away from him. Because I know i wont be able to cope with this forever.

 

[ElmosToe]

What's your support group like?
Do you have a good close group of friends to rely on?
Are any of them gay?

You may want to come to full acceptance within yourself and maybe come out to your friends and family before you try getting into a serious relationship. Otherwise, if you are the romantic type and looking for a gay relationship (seems like you are) when you are not out and open about yourself and to yourself, it's setting yourself up for failure.

As mentioned before, if this thing is just a FWB, then it's cool you can do whatever and live in the closet for the rest of your life if you want. But if you really are looking for a serious romantic relationship as a fully grown gay man, you need to embrace yourself as a gay man first and then look for a like-minded man who is also looking for a relationship.

Good luck dude.

 

[KaraBulut]

But yes... I definitely know that i should start to get away from him. Because I know i wont be able to cope with this forever.

You could get away from him, but until you break this pattern with the guys that you get involved with, the same thing will continue to happen.

Another poster remarked that this sounded more like a FWB situation- which it is. There's nothing wrong with two guys who like each other and have an NSA sexual relationship.

What is troublesome about this relationship is that you're friends, but he's the only one getting the benefits. And it's not just that he insists on getting all the benefits- it's also that you allow him to get the benefits.

If you want more from a relationship, then find a relationship with someone who is willing to put in as much as they take out of the relationship. But you also have to be clear on what it is that you want and you have to not settle for less. That clarity on what you want and the assertiveness to go after it is the recurring theme in your relationships. Until you break that pattern, the cycle will repeat.

 

[redbull4u]

Would you date a guy that says he isnt gay, he just like to fuck with men sometimes?

I have been "dating" this guy for 3 months, he is 33, separated from wife, has 2 kids, one 5 years old and one 3 years old, he works in construction. At first i thought he was gay because i met him through a friend (that is gay), he told me that they knew each other from their natal town. And my friend told me that he knew that he liked to play "both sides".

The second time i saw him was again at my friends house, and i asked him for his number and we began texting, and eventually we had sex. The first time i started to kiss him and he started to laugh and told me that please dont kiss him in the mouth that he didnt like it, and told me he was sorry, and kissed me in the cheek the whole time. I thought it was weird, but anyways, i let it pass. Then when we are hanging around, eating or something, he keeps staring at women, and making comments like, "wow she has a nice ass" and stuff like that, that i really get somewhat annoyed but just go with it.

The problem is i think i might be getting a little emotional with him, like im begining to like him, i keep thinking about him in the day like a stupid teenager (which im not, im 29). And its worst because we see each other every week at least 2 or 3 times, we dont always have sex, sometimes i just give him a blowjob and watch tv, or we just go to eat somewhere and talk, and then he goes to his house. He usually comes after he gets out of his work, and after that he goes to his house (which is like 1 hour away).

Yesterday he told me that if i wanted to go shopping with him, and when i got to the mall he was with his 5 yr old son, he was going to buy him a pair of shoes. So i was there with a man with his kid, and i wondered for a moment "what the hell am i doing here...?", it was kinda cute though, i mean, its not like im going to raise his kid, but at least he trusted me enough to meet his son. And we had a good time. Sometimes he really seems to care for me, but i feel is kinda like "i like you as a friend that i can have sex, or free bjs sometimes". I mean he texts me but like "whats up dude", nothing cute or anything.

I think with my rational mind that it is just trouble and that i should get away from him, but its hard because i kinda like the attention and the little bond we have made in these months. Im really confused and im afraid in the end i will be hurt. What would you do?

Had a similar situation with a very young from north Louisianna, a married guy. He was married to his high school sweetheart but liked both men and women. I always felt that I was getting involved but he just wanted some good sex. It was unprotected all the time.

I decided to break up with him, even though this dude was an Oster Blender in bed, so fucking good. One time I was giving him a blow job in the car but he had his little 9 month old baby in the back safety seat....the baby was looking at us, I became paranoid...I felt like a true POS for days.... Probably the lowest and cheapest moment of my life.

Not worth it! Like Sophia Petrillo says, too many Peperonis up the stream !!!

 

[Rolyo85]

The guy is a self-hating 'mo in denial. And while this is utterly beside the point as far as your feelings are concerned, you may want to set a rule for yourself, of simply NEVER associating with people like that. People in the closet/denial always have a lot of baggage they need to deal with, and many of them are in a permanent state of NOT dealing with it.

And for the record, I can waste five minutes of your life detailing why it's ridiculously obvious the guy is self-hating 'mo in denial, but I won't, because we both know you are perfectly aware of that.

So the question really is, why do you keep putting yourself in these situations? Why not immediately backpedal when someone tells you they "just occasionally fuck guys but are straight" or refuse to kiss?

Seriously now...

 

[Ninja108]

Regardless if this guy is "Straight", bi or gay the bigger issue he has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship.
That isn't going to change and for your own well being, it's time to move on.

 

[dereperez]

I don't think your problem is that he is "straight" or bi. The problem is that you are getting involved with someone that has a kid and perhaps only wants to be a FWB. Those aren't problems in themselves, but you have to ask yourself if you are ready to get involved with someone that has those strings attached.