Dating a total top...

[DigitalAstoria]

Hey guys,

First post here so go gentle

I finally started seeing someone. I don't date very often and, in fact, this is the first time I've seriously dated someone in 5 years. We've just been hanging out and getting along great. I think he's adorable as hell. I knew going into it that he was a total top. I'm mostly a bottom (probably about 90%) so I didn't mind so much. Last night was the first time he ever came over my place and we were alone after my friends left.

We made out a lot and then moved to the bedroom.

...and made out some more.

...but not much really happened because of 2 reasons

1) he refused to touch my dick. at all. he would kinda go around it and was mostly touching my ass. he had already told me that he was 150% top. which...ok...i might be able to deal with if you're hot in bed. and he made a joke about never doing it when i asked him if he sucked dick. i guess i thought he was kidding. apparently not. I've encountered this type of reaction before but it's usually from some ghetto boys who "ain't suckin' dick" or consider themselves straight but this is a grown, out gay man and he's definitely not ghetto. he's more like "sweet boy next door." If this were a hook up and it was fulfilling a specific fantasy of mine, it would really be hot...but it's not.

2) LONNNNNNNNG and THIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. Yes, the rumors about black boys are true on this one. I think he's 9 1/2 and REALLY thick. So thick that i couldn't even get my hand around it. and there was some serious weight to it. and yes...i could barely get it in my mouth. It's not so much the length that's the issue. it's the thickness. And at one point, he "hit" me with it. in the balls. and it hurt. I literally winced. But...i didn't know what to do with it. it's just too big for EITHER of my holes.

Combine that with his almost total lack of interest in sex. And he's pretty vanilla, whereas I am definitely NOT. And while we were hooking up last night, he told me that a lot of times he doesn't really cum, if ever (and watching a guy cum is a HUGE turn-on to me). And he hardly ever jerks off. I'm thinking he's a woman...and they just attached a dick to him.

I just don't know what to do. Anyone ever been in this type of situation before? Are we just destined to be friends?

 

[RicanDAB]

If you can't do what you want to do with him and if he ultimately won't satisfy you sexually, you're destined for disappointment -- plenty other guys out there who will be more compatible with you. Keep him as a friend I say.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Sounds like a future of miserable sex. Dump him.

 

[G-Lexington]

Congratulations on finding yourself a great friend...or a lousy partner. Your choice.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Hi DigitalAstoria and welcome! Glad to have you here.

This situation doesn't sound very promising. These guys are gay alright, but so freaked out about it that they convince themselves that they're at least a "total top" and are loathe to do anything they perceive "feminine" or do anything that assumes a female role. So, they get weird about where (and how) they're touched, what they will or won't touch on you, and what they will and will not do. They frequently don't like kissing, usually aren't very expressive, and are generally a total bore in bed. Having a sexual relationship with them is usually an exercise in total frustration, sometimes leading to anger on both parts.

If you stick with him, and he gets comfortable enough with you and himself, he might open up more and become better. But, it's 50/50. The question is, is he worth the time and aggravation? Only you can answer that.

Good luck! Welcome, again, and hope to hear more from you.

 

[JayHew]

sounds to me like friend only grouping. If you feel compelled to continue as a BF then you will have a pretty miserable time of it from what you have already said.

 

[landers]

Remember Russian epic, Cinderella. And alter for application to present situation. The total-top you're dating is like one of the step-sisters whose feet (his dick) are too big for the shoe (your hole). In one version of the story one of the step-sisters actually cuts off one of her toes to fit her foot into the shoe, but I doubt that total-top is going to have dick reduction surgery. Besides, if it didn't work for the step-sister, it probably won't work for you. So get out there and find the perfect foot for your shoe.

 

[DigitalAstoria]

Hi DigitalAstoria and welcome! Glad to have you here.

This situation doesn't sound very promising. These guys are gay alright, but so freaked out about it that they convince themselves that they're at least a "total top" and are loathe to do anything they perceive "feminine" or do anything that assumes a female role. So, they get weird about where (and how) they're touched, what they will or won't touch on you, and what they will and will not do. They frequently don't like kissing, usually aren't very expressive, and are generally a total bore in bed. Having a sexual relationship with them is usually an exercise in total frustration, sometimes leading to anger on both parts.

If you stick with him, and he gets comfortable enough with you and himself, he might open up more and become better. But, it's 50/50. The question is, is he worth the time and aggravation? Only you can answer that.

Good luck! Welcome, again, and hope to hear more from you.

Thanks for the welcome. I've been lurking for a month or two and like the community you guys have built up here.

Back to my situation...
that's the weird part: he's not your stereotypical closeted straight-obsessed thug-boy that I've always come across as feeling this way. He's very open about being affectionate in public. Loves kissing and will do it in the street or behind closed doors. He's out to everyone.

He actually accused me of shaving my legs (which I usually do but haven't in months) last night when I clearly had a good amount there. I did notice a bit of a phobia against anything femme.

I feel bad about nixing the whole thing.

Just sad. I finally find someone that I feel is worth dating and being around and it's the sex that doesn't work out. Usually it's the other way around.

How do you tell someone: hey, I love being around you and being with you but your dick will break my ass and you're a bore in bed?

 

[CagedBird]

Interesting & relevant to me about perceived total tops. Ive been dating my first man & having sex for little better than 3 weeks now. My bf claimed initially to be TOP only, but hinted he was willing to experiment. I thought Id be VERS, but not having had sex with men I couldn't know for sure. Turns out for us that I'm now primarily bottom [but working on getting into the back door]. My bf on the other hand is warming up to letting me finger his ass & is willing to give my dick some affection now & then. I think if a guy has an ounce of gayness in him, he can enjoy all aspects of sex with other men; at least I think the possibility is there.

Your situation sounds trying to me, I'd likely let this guy go as I couldn't dedicate the time or patience to someone who isn't into sharing love

 

[SilverRRCloud]

How do you tell someone: hey, I love being around you and being with you but your dick will break my ass and you're a bore in bed?

Dude, he might be a bore in bed for you. For someone else, he might be (I mean, with all that massive equipment), the fulfillment of all of his dreams.

From his point of view, you were not able to handle him from the beginning, so he was showing very little interest.

It really always changes with the prospective.

Some people happen to be mutually compatible and some are not...

SC

 

[rareboy]

Anyone who has no interest in what you want and sets the rules or does things like avoiding your cock entirely is definitely not a keeper. It sounds absolutely unhealthy and if his long schlong isn't rocking your world, the whole thing is a waste of time and you might as well be rearranging your kitchen cupboards.

I recommend total dishonesty. Tell him that you've met a guy and it is working out on so many other levels so while it was great hooking up (this is where your nose has started to grow), you are interested in him as a friend without benefits.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Sometimes we all get confused when we're attracted to someone.
Your mutual attraction could be based on a respect, admiration and genuine liking of each other rather than a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Love comes in many flavors and sometimes sex doesn't belong in the equation.
Take it slow and nature will find it's own course.

 

[DigitalAstoria]

From his point of view, you were not able to handle him from the beginning, so he was showing very little interest.

Actually, from HIS point of view, he has no idea I'm feeling any of this. He thoroughly enjoyed everything.

We weren't going to fuck anyway. He's very old fashioned and mostly a good boy.

And, again, he's showing A LOT of interest. He calls me every day, several times a day. If the sexual aspect were there, I'd say he were practically perfect.

 

[RicanDAB]

I did notice a bit of a phobia against anything femme.

This is such a turn off ... not that I am attracted to feminine qualities or have them myself. But if you're going to put limitations on what you'll do sexually, it's a red flag that this will not go well because during sex you'll always have to be conscious of that! When a guy says he is a total 100% top, I just RUN.

I feel bad about nixing the whole thing.

You must like him, but think about yourself for once and what will make you happy.

How do you tell someone: hey, I love being around you and being with you but your dick will break my ass and you're a bore in bed?

You don't have to go there ... as was suggested, you will want to be "creative". And it's not like the type of guy you are looking for is not out there, he is - don't waste your time with someone who will not fulfill you on all levels.

 

[DigitalAstoria]

When a guy says he is a total 100% top, I just RUN.

Well...i wouldn't say that. I think i could date a total top if he were extremely sexual, open minded (besides bottoming) and was into everything else. That could be a compromise I'm willing to make. But when I have to give in to so many other things, I don't think it's a good sexual match unfortunately.

You must like him, but think about yourself for once and what will make you happy.

"for once"
Interesting. That part stuck out. Thank you.

 

[CoolBlue71]

Thanks for the welcome. I've been lurking for a month or two and like the community you guys have built up here.

Back to my situation...
that's the weird part: he's not your stereotypical closeted straight-obsessed thug-boy that I've always come across as feeling this way. He's very open about being affectionate in public. Loves kissing and will do it in the street or behind closed doors. He's out to everyone.

He actually accused me of shaving my legs (which I usually do but haven't in months) last night when I clearly had a good amount there. I did notice a bit of a phobia against anything femme.

I feel bad about nixing the whole thing.

Just sad. I finally find someone that I feel is worth dating and being around and it's the sex that doesn't work out. Usually it's the other way around.

How do you tell someone: hey, I love being around you and being with you but your dick will break my ass and you're a bore in bed?

Tell him that you can be friends -- but that, for the time being, you figure you cannot be lovers because he isn't into the experience. Time will tell if he comes out of his shell, gets over his hangups, and commits to the sexual side of a relationship. I don't question the quality of his character; it just strikes me as a case example of an individual not yet comfortable in his own skin -- while you, on the other hand, seem to have no such problem.

Yes, it's a pity that's it has been playing this way. And maybe if you two had met two years later, there wouldn't be this problem. But the circumstances are what they are, you do recognize and acknowlege them, and it's time for you to deal.

Take care of yourself.

 

[DigitalAstoria]

Can you believe I haven't dated anyone as good as this guy since then? Still miss him. We just got in contact with each other again...

maybe i can make his dick fit lol

 

[DigitalAstoria]

If it didn't work before, why do you think it will now?

enh. wishful thinking

I guess it's just too hard to let him go. At least we can be friends, I guess.

 

[Ehalahepl]

Complete waste of time. I don't care if it sounds cynical. If your not compatible in the bedroom it does NOT work, unless your some sort of total massochist (going thru this myself at the moment).

You can try to work thru it, or talk to him about what you need sexually but with a lot of guys they just dont understand sex is about more than just them.

It may be ok in the beggining but 6 months down the road when you still are unsatisfied things will come crashing.

 

[nihilis]

When a guy says he is a total 100% top, I just RUN.

What does that mean exactly? My total lack of experience may just mean I may be a little ignorant on the subject, but what does the top/bottom thing have to do with him interacting with your dick? If he doesn't want to please you in any way in the bedroom (Christ, even a handjob would be nice) then it doesn't sound like he's going to be interested in what you want outside the bedroom either, at least in the long term. Besides, if you're into sex and he's not, that's a problem in and of itself. Just my two cents.