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Dating advice! Crushing hard!

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saymyname

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Okay! Wow!

There is this guy that I saw checking me out at a party a few weeks ago. But I didn't say anything to him, I wanted him to come to me. But he didn't. So the next weekend I saw him at another party... and he was staring at me hard, so I talked to him, got him to come over and dance by me and my friends. We started talking and he gave me his contact info.

But then after that I didn't really hear from him again. I sent him a message online and he didn't respond. So I played it cool. Didn't bombard. So then I saw him again on Saturday night, but didn't say anything for a while, but then me and my friend were dancing kind of near him. He kept looking at me and then tapped me on the shoulder and told me I looked good, so we started talking again. He said he'd been really busy and I said well I'd still like to hang out sometime if you're up for it, so he said, okay, are you free Monday? Kind of thing.

So then today he came to meet me after work. This was at 6. We hung out until 10, walking around the city, talking... sitting on park benches... we went to a really nice smoothie cafe that he recommended and he paid for it... I'm so not used to that... when we first met up around 6, he made it sound like we'd only hang out until 8 or so, just grab a coffee... but we were getting close back to my apartment and I had to go get my bike fixed, so he said he'd come with me, and said something like, I'm having quite the fun experience, walking around with you, I've learned a lot about you, it's been a really nice evening, etc...

And we talked about so much stuff. From art, to our exes, friends, sexuality, growing up, parties, family, travel. It all went really well.

So I was debating with him if he should come up and see my apartment and I kept telling him I was hesitant because it's a little dirty and I'm a bit self conscious about that stuff and he understood. He said "next time" and we made some vague plans to hang out again. Then we kissed (made out) goodnight. It was really sweet...

The only thing is, it's been so long since I've dated, I'm not sure how to handle it. I reallllllly like him. A lot. I think he likes me too. But I know he still has feelings for his ex who lives in Europe, but that doesn't bother me so much as just reservation and apprehension in general. Like remembering the first time I messaged him and how he didn't ever respond... or even today, I texted to see if we were still on, and he said since he knew he was coming he likes to just show up. He's spontaneous, I get that, but I don't want to feel like I'd be chasing him around all the time.

So, what should I do? Does that 3 day rule stuff work? Should I wait until he gets at me? I think he is someone that is obviously attracted to the thrill of the chase, I get that feeling. He also just told me that at first he was apprehensive because of ex stuff. But I feel like this is a scenario where I will have to play it especially smooth and cool. Which is hard for me, when I like someone I usually just tell them or invite them to something whenever.

Any tips on how to go about these kinds of things?
 
Relax, go slow, have fun, try not to drop a lot of portentous expectations on anyone's head.
 
Oh and yeah, fuck that game shit.

If you want to call him, go ahead. Don't stalk him or anything, but if he likes you as much as you think he does, he's not going to run because you called him - and if he does, well, dodged a bullet there.

If you let this evolve organically, you have a better chance, if you try and impose artificial rules on it you're going to fuck it up.
 
bw92116 said:
Just do nothing. Make them chase you. Men like to be the hunter, not the hunted. Make him do all the work.
Click to expand...

But I'm a man too... what if he's more of the passive persuasion?

TX - yeah... I think I'll just call him in a few days and casually invite him to some of the stuff we talked about going on next weekend. He seemed to have a good enough time and he initiated the make outs...

Swerve - thanks, but I don't think I should call him like, TONIGHT and say that...

Oh, but if I could... he is the most beautiful guy I've seen in a lonnnng time and I haven't felt this way about someone in months.
 
Good luck, it's nice to see a few threads like this in here!!
 
I just remembered that there is an art exhibit opening tomorrow night by a mutual friend of ours that we both mentioned we are probably going to. It's up for about a week, and I don't always go for the launch, but I could. He mentioned going, and probably for the launch. I was going to go eventually (or for the launch if I had time) anyways. Should I go about my stuff as I planned or avoid it so I don't see him two nights in a row (build up some anticipation) and make things look too friendly/circle-y?
 
That whole chaser/chasee thing drives me crazy. I don't need my life to be a soap opera. But I understand many guys love it.

Sounds like you are both enjoying it. It's really just a matter of trying to read his response. Sounds like you have to keep him titillated. :)
 
Okay guys... here is the update in my bohemian hipster love story...

Thursday I called him to ask him on another date... this kind of romantic night out event, slowdancing, nice music, really nice night. A lot of the young people here are into it, it's a nice break from the crazy dance party scene. So I called him and asked him, and he'd heard of it before and said he'd never gone, so I asked him if he'd like to come with me and he said sure, and so I texted him later with the details. The plan was for him to come after he got off work tonight at 12...

but then... I called him this morning at 11:30 to verify when/where to meet... no answer... I call back again at 2:30... he answers and is all "hey! how's it going!" and stuff. We start talking about when and where to meet, but then he said he hasn't felt well the last two nights, and said, "I might not be able to make it... I've had a crazy week, and I'm worried I'll feel sick again tonight, I'm fine during the day, just not at night. I feel like I'll just want to go home and sleep. Would you be offended if I canceled?" ...and my heart sunk and I said, "well... yeah, sort of... because you aren't even sure if you'll feel sick..." and he was like "yeah, but I know I'll be exhausted" and I said "okay, well, maybe we can reschedule sometime" and he said we could... so I was like... "okay. when?" and he said Sunday or Monday, that he'd give me a call.

Then after the phone call I texted him telling him I might still go, so that if he changes his mind, to let me know. So he replied: okay. I'll let you know if I'm coming or not. And I said okay,, so it totally just depends on how you feel later? And he said yeah and that he's felt very ill the last two nights. So I told him I hope he feels better.

He was supposed to finish work at 12:00 and I hadn't heard from him. So I texted him at 12:30:

me: hey are you feeling better?
him: hey i'm still at work. i'm thinking of retiring tonight after this
me: what time do you finish?
him: as soon as these customers leave. are you at the party?
me: no but it's only a 5 or 10 minute bike ride away. pllease come! i will buy you a coffee or make soup for you here after if your throat still hurts :)
him: you're so tempting but i'm gonna rest. its been a long week for me :)
me: aww alright... give me a call on one of your days off and you can make it up to me. sweet dreams man. ;)
(decided to just go ahead and ask) me: but hey i have to wonder... is this anything to do with the appehension you had a few weeks ago or are you just sick/exhausted? it's fine either way, just be honest.
him: i'm just sick and exhausted. i think if i was feeling good i would take you up on that offer and see where the night takes us.
me: okay cool... well. when you feel better we can see where some other night takes us... soon i hope :P Goodnight!
him: goodnight (my name)


So... given that situation... how let down do I get to be about tonight? I think he is obviously being honest, but I also kind of feel like if you really like someone you do it regardless of how you feel... A friend described him to me recently as "a total free spirit" so I shouldn't be surprised... and I know he works like 3 jobs and is looking for a new apt so of course he's tired. But I think it goes without saying that I've reached out enough and I should just let him come to me when he's ready... I'll look desperate if I am the next one to invite him to something. And if he doesn't get at me... then he's a liar and a game player... I guess. What do you guys think?
 
I think you're pretty smart. You're right, you don't want to be desperate. Let him make the next move.
 
Well, to be fair to him, it's not like he could make back up plans because he was working until 12 AM. But I totally get where you are coming from and have thought the same thing myself. I'm just not sure - he could be doing everything you are saying, but then why would he agree to the date in the first place? Why would he hang out with me for 4 hours on the first date and say how good of a time he's having and make out with me at the end? Why would he lie given the opportunity to tell the truth? That last text I sent him was an open invitation for him to say something like, "I do feel apprehensive, I'm not in the mood to date," or something even more blunt.

Although, who knows, there's a chance you could be correct. I'm divided. Which is why I'm going to play it cool and let him make the next move - if there is a next move. I do not want to get involved in another unbalanced situation where I'm always the one chasing. Those situations are totally unhealthy.
 
You chasing him a little too fast and that might "frighten" him a little bit. Remember, this is a guy, not a girl. Girls like to be chased and guys want to be the aggressors who make the move. Naturally, you are doing nothing wrong. But for him, it "irks" a little when now he's the one who got your attention. And he's not completely wrong either. It's just the nature of men.

You just be cool a little more. Don't text him something like "Do you want some soup" ,etc. Just pretend to be a little aloof and insensitive. That will make him think more about you and ignite his "motivation" to pursue you.
 
I'm surprised at how many people apply gender stereotypes that apply to men and women to situations that involve two men... you realize that according to that logic, two men would never engage in a chase/chaser scenario, as both of them would be the one hunting? Those are socially constructed gender roles for a reason.

Anyways, I do appreciate your advice, though. The feeling I have is that he may like me, or may have had a nice date, but maybe didn't feel the excitement that I did as soon as I met him, that spark... so maybe he's a bit more cautious, a bit more indifferent, whereas I already know I really like him. I can't make that too obvious. I'm definitely not going to get at him unless he gets in touch with me. And if he doesn't... then I have to be glad I avoided a situation with a guy who twirls people around his finger so much.
 
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