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Dating an effeminate guy.

S

spencer

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Hey guys, figured I put this one out there.

As you know, or don't, I'm dating (going on dates with) Justin. He get's interupted by his family a lot (he supports them a lot) and he always mentions, I'm on a date, don't bother me, so that's how I know our meeting ups are dates. Here's the first date post.

Which btw, he asked me out again last night and he held my hand and said, I'm sorry that I'm such a drag tonight (his 40 yo uncle just passed away), but I just wanted to see you :swoon:

So I usually try to date masculine guys, heck I go for straight guys!, but I go for masculine gays cause I think we have more in common. Plus I'm not the most out person and outwardly gay men hate that.

Well, I'm personally willing to compromise and date him, if he'll accept that i'm mostly not out. And in a month he'll be moving accross town so it'll be even less of a public issue.

I never keep a closed mind to anything, so I like Justin. I like Justin a lot; for who he is. He's driven, he's a hard worker, he's super attactive (and has the biggest hands i've ever seen on a man ;) ) and he likes me. He can be an ass I would think, but he's a sweetheart to me.

Has anyone here who primarily liked masculine guys had a successfull relationship with some that wasn't so masculine?

Thanks for your help :kiss:
 
The problem is not that you are embarrassed by him being feminine, but that you are ashamed of being gay.

Somewhere along the line, when you are gay, you have to decide if you are going to let what others think about you control how you live your life. If you give others that kind of power over you, you better plan to live in the closet the rest of your life. Are you willing to lose a really great guy just because of what others think?

Think about it.
 
whisperer said:
I don't think it's very fair at all to get involved with someone if your original intention is to keep them at a distance.
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I guess that's how it sounds, but not really what I meant. I vocalized that I don't like that he's moving. I have to go to the other side of town to go to gay bars that we go to every weekend. I won't have to drive an hour home, I could just crash at his place. I'm just saying it'd be easier to not run into people I know.

What I meant by that statement is, he's used to dating out guys and he's most likely (like all the out guys i've dated) is compromising in that he's fallen for my personality despite that I'm not out and I'm mutually doing the same thing. I've had terrible times with guys who resent me for not being out. He knows this and he's still hanging around.
 
OK, him compromising so you can stay in the closet and you compromising by dating an "effeminate," guy are both your issues.

First off you don't know if that's what he's thinking, second, if you're in the closet and won't come out, you're a bad prospect for any kind of real relationship. Are you expecting to hide him from everyone you know all your life? How fair is that. What message does that communicate about your relationship?
 
Which frankly is far worse than physical distance, it's the distance of you not wanting him in most of your life.
 
spencer said:
Hey guys, figured I put this one out there.

As you know, or don't, I'm dating (going on dates with) Justin. He get's interupted by his family a lot (he supports them a lot) and he always mentions, I'm on a date, don't bother me, so that's how I know our meeting ups are dates. Here's the first date post.

Which btw, he asked me out again last night and he held my hand and said, I'm sorry that I'm such a drag tonight (his 40 yo uncle just passed away), but I just wanted to see you :swoon:

So I usually try to date masculine guys, heck I go for straight guys!, but I go for masculine gays cause I think we have more in common. Plus I'm not the most out person and outwardly gay men hate that.

Well, I'm personally willing to compromise and date him, if he'll accept that i'm mostly not out. And in a month he'll be moving accross town so it'll be even less of a public issue.

I never keep a closed mind to anything, so I like Justin. I like Justin a lot; for who he is. He's driven, he's a hard worker, he's super attactive (and has the biggest hands i've ever seen on a man ;) ) and he likes me. He can be an ass I would think, but he's a sweetheart to me.

Has anyone here who primarily liked masculine guys had a successfull relationship with some that wasn't so masculine?

Thanks for your help :kiss:
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Well, mostly it sounds like you are surprised that you're attracted to him...but there is no question you are attracted to him, right?

I wouldn't worry about it...even if you did worry about it, unless you're dating the mirror, you will always be more or less masculine, feminine, anything than the person you're with.

Is he putting on a girlie act? That would be a turn off. But if he is just a little bit softer around the edges than you are, you could compliment each other very well.
 
I guess you could say I liked "masculine men", although I can't say that I ever considered a guy "not masculine enough for me". It was simply a mild preference. All things equal, I guess I'd like them to be tall, but that doesn't mean guys under six feet can't apply. The first guy I dated was rather effeminate. My partner isn't really. He isn't uber-butch, but he isn't all that femmy, either. So make of that what you will.

Lex
 
I would say that it's more how you perceive yourself rather than how you perceive him. Take stock of yourself and move from there. If you don't like this or that about the guy, don't continue to lead him on. To me, that's cruel.
 
Im not sure why so many people have issues with relationships. i guess Im a really laid back kind of guy and mostly like to just sit back and see what happens when it comes to relationships.

I think that you should relax and stop trying to much to over think your relationship. Love does not care about all the stipulations you put on it. I think that in time maybe this might be your catalyst to come all the way out of the closest for someone you really care about. Live life like tomorrow may never come, because you today could be all you have. Good luck! Wish you love and happiness in whatever you do...
 
Travisevian said:
We sure do. haha I mean, think about it. How would you feel if you were out and the guy you were seeing couldn't even hold your hand in public or was uncomfortable being seen in public with you? Wouldn't that suck?

That's a lot to expect from someone, too much and frankly, I think it's a bit selfish of you. :(
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That's the part I don't get. You would think that out of all the people that gay guys would be the most understanding of people coming out on their own terms, but no, they're like the farthest from it. Is it so hard to understand. Most gay guys got to control how they came out and yet when they meet someone who's not out (and they post about this) it's like they don't get the coming out process at all.

In fact, one of the reasons why I like him is that it's not an issue with him and he's not forcing it.

Whenever I meet anyone who is in a process that is not far along (say going to college or learning a new sport) it's not like I ride them and knock them down. No, I encourage them and support them.

Maybe if you guys did that more, more closeted guys would come out.

And finally, he asked jokingly if he could meet my family, I was like, sure. I'm not exactly out, but I'm not all the way in. He contacts me, there's full disclosure, he gets it and I get it. I'm not manipulating him or pretending on being to him something I'm not.

Thanks for the input. I'm just finding myself liking someone I normally don't and I find it exciting. I don't see you guys going out and challenging yourself to be attractive to some aspect you're usually not attracted to. ..|
 
How would you know? Don't turn this around on us. As for the coming out politics, we're supportive in that we're hardline. Or at least I am. Yeah, everyone has a different process, but too many guys who are in the closet make it sound like a lifestyle choice rather than "in the process" of coming out. They're just in, and they have no plans to come out. It's ridiculous. At this point in my life it also seems offensive and I'm embarrassed for you in the sense that - I could do it, why can't you? You haven't mentioned your age, but I'm assuming since you're on these forums that you're above 18. Most of the people I know these days, including myself, came out before or around that age. What's the hold up?
 
spencer said:
That's the part I don't get. You would think that out of all the people that gay guys would be the most understanding of people coming out on their own terms, but no, they're like the farthest from it. Is it so hard to understand. Most gay guys got to control how they came out and yet when they meet someone who's not out (and they post about this) it's like they don't get the coming out process at all.

In fact, one of the reasons why I like him is that it's not an issue with him and he's not forcing it.

Whenever I meet anyone who is in a process that is not far along (say going to college or learning a new sport) it's not like I ride them and knock them down. No, I encourage them and support them.

Maybe if you guys did that more, more closeted guys would come out.

And finally, he asked jokingly if he could meet my family, I was like, sure. I'm not exactly out, but I'm not all the way in. He contacts me, there's full disclosure, he gets it and I get it. I'm not manipulating him or pretending on being to him something I'm not.

Thanks for the input. I'm just finding myself liking someone I normally don't and I find it exciting. I don't see you guys going out and challenging yourself to be attractive to some aspect you're usually not attracted to. ..|
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Most of us are extremely sympathetic about guys who are trying to come out. But not many of us are willing to be your dirty little secret while you try to hide.

If you’re trying to come out, then come the fuck out before you start expecting any of us to consider you seriously for a relationship. I wouldn’t hide for you, I wouldn’t hide for anyone.
 
TX, I've always respected your tough love imformative posts. That's why I posted here. But when you say how extremely sympathetic you are about guys coming out and then talk about telling people to come the fuck out before you even consider a relationship isn't being sensitive at all. But i'm sure that anyone that has anything to do with you knows that you won't have anything to do with anyone who's the least bit it. That's good that you put it out there to make life simple.

But life isn't simple for others and different worlds do cross. And it's not right to think that just because someone isn't like you that you think your way is the only way. It's why I try not to judge people that screw other people's wives. I don't get it, I don't approve it, but I figure that it some way it works for them.

saymyname, we will agree to disagree. most everyone who is out, won't want anything to do with anyone who isn't. that's fine. leave us alone. But justin is a grown professional adult and he is doing what I'm doing and liking the person. it could be a set up for failure. It's complicated, I'm trying to get another job and move so I can start over and be out. But where I'm at in conservativille my boss is born again and where I'm located, my rents are in a big prayer group. It's just complicated. blah blah blah

But the point of this thread is discovering something you've never really considered before. It could be like, I was never really into anal, but recently, I've been loving it. or that I'm not normally attracted to Asians but I'm into this one.

Justin and I went out again. He refused my hand because we were at a straight bar in a not so tolerant side of town and he didn't feel like fighting (he's a blackbelt, which adds to the whole allure of him, effeminate yet physcially strong) He ended up being so tired again (he works 12-13 hour days) that I left (quietly, I wasn't happy but I didn't verbalize it) and at his lunch break he called and apologized (he's so sweet).

Thanks for the advice tho, keep it coming. I've got thick skin.
 
If this were just about you and your issues around coming out that would be one thing, and you’d get a lot more sympathy, even though it doesn’t seem like you’re going to come out any time soon. But the moment you pull someone else into it you change the situation entirely. It’s not fair to ask anyone to compromise to your closeted life, and both of the surprising things that were never before considered are your issues, your closet, and your thing about effeminate guys.

I don’t see you anywhere really thinking about the compromise he has to make beyond some general pissy comments about how guys who are out don’t like to date guys who aren’t. That’s not surprising, and that’s not out guys being capricious. What you’re expecting him to compromise about is frankly far more serious and potentially far more damaging than you generally not liking to date effeminate guys, but making an exception for him, he’s not asking you to hide, he’s not excluding you from a large part of his life. In your situation you’re asking for a lot more than you’re willing to give.

Hence the comment, if you’re trying to come out, then come the fuck out before you ask people to make that kind of sacrifice, it’s not fair to ask it of him, it’s not fair to ask that of anyone.

By the way, this has no bearing on him or his willingness to make that choice for you, It’s all about what you’re asking for, and what you’re willing to give. If you won’t come out for him, so you won’t have to hide him, why should it be OK for you to ask him to step back into the closet whenever he’s around you?
 
Spencer, for what it is worth, I don't think you are trying to hide in the closet, or make someone hide you in the closet... it sounds to me like you are just looking for a smart way out of the closet when the timing is right.
 
thanks bankside. I do agree that my intentions are more "innocent" than some have reacted. And while I understand where they're coming from (I've had broken relationships before due to this, for those particular people for the better I think), I think it's sad that people think closeted men can't be loved or worse, shouldn't be loved. So strongly that open men should put them down.

I also think it's even more wrong to insinuate that closeted men can't be happy or don't deserve or can't find happiness. Who are you to decide for them? You banish them aside like they're non-citizens of the gay population.

I think some gay men forget how numerous we are and that they should remember just how openminded and tolerant gay men should be, not the opposite which makes them no better than the straight people that oppose gay men.

Sorry but it is insulting to suggest gay men not be open minded or tolerant, but the responses speak for themselves.


On a different note, I'm frustrated with Justin. We hang out and are lovey dovey a lot and in a weird sad turn of events he's all over the place on mixed signals. Sometimes he's right there with me and sometimes he's so distant. Meanwhile he comes back for more. Guess the both of us are caught in the decision making process.

I'm ready to move on, but he just keeps on contacting me for dates (which he calls dates). I guess he's feeling me out, but this is the longest I've dated someone with no real action (heavy petting is all).

I have a feeling he's trying to move on from his checkered past, but I would like to at least fool around more than that.

I'm not really sure I can post updates anymore here, because if all I get is, stay the fuck away from gay people until you come out, that doesn't help me cause I'm not gonna stop seeing justin.

peace
 
Yeah! My boyfriend isn't so masculine but he's not that flamboyant, but he has more of that work out man thing which is HOT! hahaha he's a fighter too but I go for the types that seem straight! I mean I'm not ashamed of anything but that is just what I'm attracted to! but he has his moments!
I love him and there's nothing I would want him to change in looks and personality!
 
Jo-thin said:
Yeah! My boyfriend isn't so masculine but he's not that flamboyant, but he has more of that work out man thing which is HOT! hahaha he's a fighter too but I go for the types that seem straight! I mean I'm not ashamed of anything but that is just what I'm attracted to! but he has his moments!
I love him and there's nothing I would want him to change in looks and personality!
Click to expand...

Very on topic!

Spencer - there's never a right time to come out. You just DO IT. Stop making excuses!
 
People just get upset with closeted guys cause it's selfish. If you are not out, you are letting people get away with homophobia. There is more to life than your run-of-the-mill straight guy fantasies. There are gay rights, and the ability of ethical gay men to want to live the type of life they want. Also why do you let openly guys (effeminate or otherwise) dictate you? Are you afraid they'll call you out on your shit, that has nothing to do with your sexual fantasies/erotic life and everything to do with how strong a person you are? As long as you stay in the closet you can't be held accountable for anything in relationships- you are wise to be cautious of openly gay man cause they will eat you alive, pity how you can't seem to see that it's for your own good.

If you want gay guys to be nicer to you, than you gotta be nicer to gay guys, by showing you care about the gay community and coming out.

Do you understand what I'm saying here?
 
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