Dating an effeminate guy.

[spencer]

oh i get it and I understand it. but everyone has a different situation. you try managing mfg facility in a small town with less than 1/2% of african americans, work your way up as a minority in a privately held company and see how far you get. or you put yourself in my shoes and then bring it to the table. Not to mention my rents being prominent in the religious community (I'm out to them btw)

there is no way I will entirely know your situation and you will not know mine. If I were in yours, I would have probably come out long ago.

I just wish guys in the closet congregated somewhere on the net. And i'm not talking promiscously, i'm talking guys looking for other closeted men that want to be in commited relationships so that we don't have to cross paths.

But this section of the forum is ALL ABOUT closeted gay men. So every post on here should be to tell guys to come out, regardless of the question.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Judging from the title, I thought you were gonna post something about how he's effeminate and how that works or doesn't work for you, but it seems like your problem is that he's out and you aren't, is that correct?

If that's the case, I guess you guys could work it out. But if he gets annoyed by the fact that you're still in the closet and that he has to hide, understand him just like he understood you when you started going out.

 

[bankside]

See, i was with you all the way until the "no real action" thing...

I stopped dating a guy because he had a stopwatch running since the last time he "got any" and I just didn't find it very hot at all that he knew how many days it was since then.

I still don't think this is an 'in' or 'out' thing but I dunno...maybe Mr. Justin is looking for something heading to a different level than just a fun time with a guy?

 

[spencer]

innocent you were right, it is about me dating the "type" of guy that I'm not normally into. That's the original question I asked and it's just that there was too much disagreement from the populous that it turned into in versus out, which it really isn't, since we both are on the same page. Since spending more time with him, I realized that he's kind and strong (physically and mentall), things I look for in masculine men and apparently I respond to it in all men (yay me).

And bankside, I was with me too I would wait for a long time to have the holy grail of relationships, I'm just caught up in the same routine of feeling like I have to give it up. And cause I know a little about his past (he used to be into a lot of drugs and frequented bathhouses) and before I dated him, he did invite me to spend the night (but I was to lit to drive) and now I think (think) he's turned over a new leaf or is stressed, but I can't decipher if it's that and him wanting to take it slow or him losing interest (which affects me, I mean, his coffee kitchen counter has condoms in a jar, and I'm thinkin what's wrong with me)

I'm just not patient as a person and I'm really trying to work on it. Heck, I purposefully sensor myself every day to not seem needy and to come across as easy and breezy. I texted him once yesterday which he responded too and didn't text at all today. I called and left a message today and that's it.

It's just he'll just get me when he takes my hand and says, I'm so glad to see you. He also asked about meeting my family and joked that that would be serious. I told him maybe, but he could meet my family, they're great. I even avoided a kiss because I think he was just doing it to do it and I don't want to give myself false hope and he got upset (not really) but I'm thinking, mind games are killing me, stop it, I'll lose.

I really think his whole life is just crazy because one of his loved ones just passed away unexpectedly. I just have to keep telling myself, it'll be good in the end. He's moving in 2 weeks so that's a strain, he works 10-15 hour days 6 days a week so he's just got so much on his plate. So bankside I hope you're correct. I never pressured him into anything, in fact he did the petting, and I did none, which is so not like me at all.

oh and btw, I gave him a haircut the other night. it was hot, I love spending time with the guy. turned out good too.

I do think that in the end, hey, it didn't work out. He's really a nice sweet guy and I haven't met a good catch in awhile. I'd really just like the chance, such is life, brings hope though that there are quality people. And as I hear more stories about his interaction and closeness with his family (huge with me) I like him even more. ugh

Oh and Justin, if you happen to frequent this site, howdy

 

[innocentbychoice]

innocent you were right, it is about me dating the "type" of guy that I'm not normally into. That's the original question I asked and it's just that there was too much disagreement from the populous that it turned into in versus out, which it really isn't, since we both are on the same page. Since spending more time with him, I realized that he's kind and strong (physically and mentall), things I look for in masculine men and apparently I respond to it in all men (yay me).

I'm gonna paste something I wrote in another thread:

As a psychology student, I gotta say that it is necessary for there to be a feminine and a masculine side in a relationship. BUT people tend to believe that masculine=man and feminine=woman which is NOT the case.

In a str8 relationship, the male might assume the feminine role (and this is in most cases an unconscious decision) it doesn't mean he's effeminate, he might be the butchest guy out there, but he can have feminine qualities like being caring, affectionate, warm, passive, BUT passive in this sense: The guy likes to draw attention to him (for example, going to the gym and working out so people admire their body), the guy likes to make people do things for them and react to them. That's what I mean by passive. And his girlfriend can be the girliest girl in the world but can have masculine quialities like being active (doing things herself), aasertive, etc. What I mean is, masculine and feminine means how you interact with people and with your couple and has little to do with gender.

In a gay relationship you also need a masculine man and a a feminine man. But as I said, it's got nothing to do with mannerisms! So don't take it that way. It's about what I said above. We need someone who complements us (we all know that) and I guess that's how we unconsciously choose our partners.

So even if he's got mannerisms, it doesn't mean he's feminine, he might have those masculine qualities that you love so much and I'm sure he does; life hits harder on the ones who are out of the norm, for example men with mannerisms , and it forces them to be stronger.

 

[spencer]

thanks for the incite once again. one more detail, he studied both dance and martial artistry. I do love that strength.

 

[spencer]

I wanna give one last update to those who might be following my threads.

I actually think I might be over Bobby (straight guy). I'm starting to realize just how much his anger towards life is a turn off. I've always known about it and we've gotten into fights about it. It helps that he's moved away.

But what really helped was Justin. If you recall, the first date I was on with Justin, all I could think about was Bobby. Well that has completely changed.

Justin is so hard to read, it's crazy. In my last post I was pretty much prepared to be over him (basically lowering my expectations). Well he called me and I got a bigger perspective from him. We were talking and the conversation came up about my parents. He wanted to know if I told them about him. I said, that I have new friend that I've been hanging out with more and more. He exclaimed, "a friend" I'm not even a guy you're "talking too". I guess he's into labels and I told him, I'm not going to call you anthing you're not because you and I haven't even had that discussion about what we are He agreed and we'd have the discussion later.

He talked about moving to the other side of town and that I'm going to lose out spending money on gas. I was like, hey, you have to come visit too. He said, well maybe, in a cheeky voice.

By the end of the conversation, I told him, look, think about it and you decide what you want to be "called" and I'll tell my rents what you are.

Right now, I feel a lot better. He talks of the future and in his talks of the future involve me in it.

Bankside, it will always remain in the back of my mind knowing how promiscous he used to be and thinking about how non-sexual he is with me and me trying to distinguish it as, he's turning over a new leaf and wanting substance in his life, not just an easy lay (even though I was more than willing to give it up ) It's just these talks about dating and being boyfriends and labels that has got me confused as to why he's going through all this trouble to try to define himself in my life (I'm trying my darndest to keep my expectations low) and that why I tone it down and turn it around on him. I'll say, I'm not gonna call it something, you call it

I will say, it's good to be in the dating realm again. Spending time with Justin is great and last weekend giving him a haircut was super hot. He ended up washing his hair in the tub (he already showered) well he kept the bathroom door open and he bent over in his athletic shorts. The view was amazing Bubble butt, nice calves. I'm a big leg guy and I think he's the first actually leg guy I've dated. It feels good to be needed again. He talks about wishing I were there and out of all the fulfulling this in life, that's my favorite. Heck, I like that more than sex. :swoon:

Thanks for listening guys.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Great! Hope things work out for you 2.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

I think the very fact that your relative positions on the masculine/feminine continuum is an issue is a sign that the relationship is doomed. You'll never see eye to eye.

 

[miketlow]

I wouldn't worry about it...even if you did worry about it, unless you're dating the mirror, you will always be more or less masculine, feminine, anything than the person you're with.

This is true!!!...Just remember that love will come in a package that you may not have known you wanted!!...I learned that when I meet my better half who is effeminate and I love the softer side of him a lot more than I thought I would seeing as how I use to date so called straight guys!....lol...