Dating and dating websites

[BrendonM91]

Hey guys,

Having a bit of a problem, I need to find myself some gay friends and a boyfriend. But I don't know where to look. I've tried smartphone apps etc, however the majority of guys into me are either a. simply not my type. b. batshit crazy. c. on the otherside of the globe.

Being a bigger guy (whilst trying to drop weight which I have been slowly over the past several months) it is very hard for me to talk to guys who are my type. Sadly I am into jocks/athletes and your boy-next-door types, who unfortunately don't give a chubby bear a second glance and if they do it's merely out of pity as I found out the hardway just recently. I've been told about chubby chasers however these are like a unicorn in my part of Australia.

I'm just at a loss as to where to look and where to find friends, as much as I love my current friends, they're all straight I'd like to widen my homo circle of friends but that just isn't happening. It's quite frustrating. So yeah if anyone out there in JUB land is a young (under 30 please) chaser in Australia or knows where to look, I'd love to hear from you.

 

[AstareGod]

Wanting to expand your group of friends can be a really great idea; however, I find it best to not rush trying to get a boyfriend. Slow down and take your time - things will happen naturally when the time is right - and sometimes when (and with whom) you least expect.

Do your current friends know you're gay? Perhaps they have other gay friends they can introduce you to, or you all can go to a gay bar or other place, if there are any around your area.

 

[BrendonM91]

Hi AStareGod,

Yea my very small social group (there's about 5/6 of us) know I'm gay. They have offered to intro me to them, and have on a few occasions, however we just didn't click. I'm very very masculine, whilst most of the gay friends my girl friends have are quite effeminate, which is fine, I'm actually attracted to effeminate men, however my masculinity is somewhat intimidating, even to a straight guy. My body type also does not help matters, as I am a chubby bear/muscle, and that is pretty much the equivalent to having leprosy in the young Brisbane gay scene, which also is not very big. My university doesn't have a very big lgbti group either, I've already thought of that.

I don't want to rush finding a boyfriend, but I do want a companion, someone to do coupley things with, and someone to be there for me and I him. I guess I've been waiting for a quite a while trying to get to know people and such, and I've met a few really awesome guys, however again, my size being a big factor in this, I get relegated to friendzone status. It has happened on several successive occassions, and it's gotten to a point I'm over it happening.

I am now in the midsts of losing weight and getting my post spinal injury body back, but alas it is a long, slow, tedious road.

Gay bars here aren't very much help either as I get shunned in them.

Hence looking for "chubby chasers" or sites I can visit to maybe find some in my local area.

 

[Seasoned]

I think one of the keys is to meet as many people as you can without the "I wonder of he's the one" question in the back of your mind. Hook ups are about looks; relationships factor in looks as one of many qualities.

 

[BrendonM91]

I try to meet people I really do, I just don't really connect with them in anyway and the friendship kind of peters out. I do try to be friendly and stuff, but it just doesn't feel organic, it feels forced and people pick up on that and they lose interest quick. I have a very "unique" personality type that very few people understand. I am very blunt, straight to the point and honest, and people don't seem to like that about me. I am very sarcastic and have a dry and black twisted sense of humour that very few people appreciate. And so I come across as very abrasive and very rude, however I don't mean for it to come across as that. It does not help that I don't show emotion or feeling in my facial expressions and supposedly I don't put enough inflection and tone in my voice, so when I am making a joke it doesn't come across that way, and sounds more like a statement of fact and people get offended.

So as you can see I am not the most appealling of people to get to know.

And the few people I do meet and remain friends with I don't look at them thinking he's the one. I just think they're friends and hey if something happens then sweet. However it does sometimes occur that I do develop crushes occassionally, but what guy doesn't? And yeah, I could very well have been dating a good friend of mine if I hadn't have second guessed myself and not asked him out when I had wanted to. I missed my chance and now I have to live with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I even know HOW to be gay. Like I just don't really know how to talk with guys or meet them or attract them or anything like that. I have zip sexual or romantic experience with guys, so I'm basically winging it going in blind haha.

In any case I have no idea what the hell I was trying to say I just waffled on because just voicing my concerns and thoughts is a bit better than having them floating around in my head getting all mixed up.

 

[hylas]

i think you should separate finding gay friends from finding lovers/sex partners/boyfriends/fuck buddies/etc.
you can look for both at the same time, of course. just be aware.
gay friends should ideally be people you get along with but that youre not attracted to, and that are not attracted to you.
if there is a place in your area that caters to both fags and lesbians at the same time, then having lesbian friends and going to queer events with them can also be really nice, in my experience.

being into jocks: well, i really like them as well, and im not one myself; and yeah, its hard and a little frustrating. all i can say is, grow a thick skin, keep trying, dont get bitter or desperate... and dont close off your mind to other forms of beauty. i once gave somebody a chance who was slightly chubbier than what i usually fantasize about, and we ended up having amazing sex regularly for several years. currently im seeing a guy who is a bit towards my upper age limit, but again, the sex is amazing, hes a wonderful person, and i think we may be getting really serious together. so, its not a magical solution, but it works well enough for me.

lastly: it sounds like your personality could use some work. you call yourself unique, sarcastic, blunt, honest... in other words, you seem to be very content with your own personality. its nice to have healthy self-esteem, and all the fortune cookies keep telling us to "just be yourself"... but it doesnt seem to be working out for you, does it? its possible to change without betraying yourself. so, stop giving yourself compliments on your unique character and work on sanding off those edges.

 

[hylas]

sorry, i just realized that i didnt answer your question at all... well, maybe you still find something useful in my ramblings. peace!

 

[BrendonM91]

Not so much content with my own personality, in fact sometimes I think it's terrible, however I don't want to be someone I'm not. I've tried that, it failed miserably. I just am lost in this whole gay thing and what to expect/guys expect from me.

 

[bruce379]

Hi Brendon,

I think your problem is not so much being gay or what not, but how to behave - nicer. I also come as abrasive sometimes and it's just human nature that fellow humans like to engage other people, regardless whether they are gay or not, who are nice or who appear as non-threatening or at least mellow in the beginning. Everybody have a unique personality and I bet you are a nice person too once people get to know you better. But that's the whole point. People have to get over that hurdle, but if that hurdle is too steep to overcome, then, they lose interest fast and move on. I've also learned the hard way that less talk on my part is a much more effective measure to get to know and meet other guys. Gay guys especially are efficient in the dating scene. Sex is the easy part. The second date is the trick and the third means something of a mutual attraction beyond just sex is involved.

But hey, that's only from one data point.

Good luck.

 

[water90]

Your headline says looking for dates and dating etc but then you go on to explain mainly just physical aspects of it all? I know this is a no flame zone but I'm going to be blunt.

Dating should not always involve physical. You seem to be so involved in the superficial aspect of it all before you even give other guys a chance. Fair enough you are into the athletic, jock types but I'll bet that 70-90% of the population are too - it's biological, you want to be with that guy who's fit to carry your babies and hence the attraction. But that's just sex, surely.

What about ideals of a good person, a nice monogamous guy or one that takes care of himself. Or a guy that's easy going to into hobbies such as photography, or tennis or swimming etc.

My advice is to do what you love work, hobbies etc and you will find guys in the same field that are gay and you can become friends with or even date. Don't rush it, he'll come.

Are you happy being a big chubby guy? There's a very small niche of people who are into chubby guys. Have you thought about losing weight or gyming? I mean, if you're happy the way you are then so be it but exercise can be beneficial for the body, health and mind as well. I think at the gist of it all you need to be good looking to attract other good looking people too, people can disagree with me on that but that's the general principle, I believe. Of course there are exceptions too.

 

[BrendonM91]

Physical because that's about all I know that I'm attracted to, other than intellect. I don't know if I want a fem or masc guy, of course I want a sweet and caring guy, all that is a given.

It is clearly stated that I am already losing weight, I utilise a mates gym as it is free and better equipped than anywhere I've ever been. I used to play rugby but spinal injury caused me to be unable to do strenuous exercise for two years. I detest how I look, but I was never a small guy to begin with I've always been a solid guy. Not fat, but muscular and stocky. Bearish type, just now I have a stomach to lose.

I study online at the moment, and I work from home as I run my own small business, so interaction that way is pretty much bubkiss.

And I don't want to rush, however I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere by sitting on my ass waiting for a guy to come along. I've waited long enough, I need and want to get out and actively try and meet people whether it be friends, fun or a relationship.

It is actually meeting people and getting them to give me a chance at even friendship that is the hard part.