Dating and HIV

[Mikael176]

Alright, I need some advice guys. I'm a bi here and relatively new to the scene as I explained here before. As some have posted I'm an older guy, 42. I have been doing my fair share of dating recently sometimes with wild results.

I've recently been floored by one guy that has gone to the front of my line. Cute, sexy, great personality, and the closest I've come to someone who "gets me."

Physically, we've done very little, kissing, cuddling, etc.

So as the headline suggests, he said he was HIV+ and has been for 7 years. His counts are undetectable and he was nervous about telling me, which isn't a surprise.

My reaction was a surprise to him. I just said "well, you're still a person."

To be honest, I don't care about his status in the sense that he was open with me, it was told to me in a non-physical moment, etc. Besides, as I said, incredible sexy.

Is a type of relationship between us possible? I'm asking less about physical (I am very good with protection and understand there is still a risk regardless.) I'm asking about being accepting, etc.

Things are early so of course my hormones are working overtime, so I'd probably be fine with almost anything at this point. But anyone else been in this type of situation? Can a relationship like this work long term? What do I need to know if I'd commit to this?

Thanks
B

 

[vidarr]

Relationships like this are indeed possible as I've been in one for over a year now.

My guy does not mind a bit, in fact has been very supportive going to get tested when I do.
We practice safe sex, except when doing oral.

You need to communicate with him exactly what you're comfortable with doing sexually.
And just treat him with dignity as you said.. like any other person.

One of the things I hate about dating new guys is that I hear them say they are totally fine 100% with me being pos, then freak out later, after or right before sex.

 

[cocksucker4use]

I had a very similar experience. About a year ago, I had been fucking (bb) this nice, sexy guy my age, and he came up poz during that time. He called to tell me, and I told him I was sorry, but I could not knowingly continue our fuck bud thing. He was crushed, and I felt like an asshole, but I am still negative, and want to stay that way. Six months ago, hooked up with a young guy, supposed to be NSA. Shows up and is hella cute, nice body, way over hung, etc. I end up barebacking him. The sex was awesome for both of us. Next day an email that he is poz and his guilt, shame and regret and fear come through very clearly. After he came over, we talked and he is undectable. Every minute with this man, I am falling way infatuated. I end up barebacking him again, and it ramps up to 3-4 times a week. Dinner, drinks, fucking. Goo goo eyes, daydreaming, rock hard and feelings like I had forgotten about. love? I had set in motion a transfer 500 miles away just before this. Ended up moving, and saw him a few times more on trips back. Had to drop it, cuz it was tearing me up and I don't think it meant as much for him at 24 as it did for me at 204....been tested a few weeks ago, and I am still neg. Read just yesterday that there is no case of HIV being transmitted by a guy with an undetectable viral load. So, to your question, yeah your deal could work. Go for it.

 

[palbert]

It is possible to have a committed relationship as long as you are meticulous about practicing safe sex. I did it for 3+ glorious years. I am still HIV NEG.

 

[KaraBulut]

Is a type of relationship between us possible? I'm asking less about physical (I am very good with protection and understand there is still a risk regardless.) I'm asking about being accepting, etc.

Things are early so of course my hormones are working overtime, so I'd probably be fine with almost anything at this point. But anyone else been in this type of situation? Can a relationship like this work long term? What do I need to know if I'd commit to this?

It depends.

An HIV diagnosis affects different people in different ways. For some, it leads them to be more pro-active with their health- cutting back on unhealthy behaviors and becoming more focused on their priorities. For others, it leads to more self-destructive and reckless behaviors.

In the end, you have to decide whether he's someone you have an interest in and whether he is the kind of person that you want to have in your life. The same would be true whether he were HIV- or HIV+.

As for long term... very few relationships are long-term these days. Most are short-term and there are many things that work against longevity. If the relationship doesn't work out, chances are that it won't be HIV that is the flaw that undermines the relationship. Enjoy it for what it is and for as long as it lasts.

 

[VXQZ69]

is it shallow for me not to date a guy who is poz?

I dunno, but if a guy has HIV, then no. I couldn't date him. Sorry.

 

[Gekishinken]

is it shallow for me not to date a guy who is poz?

I dunno, but if a guy has HIV, then no. I couldn't date him. Sorry.

Not at all. I wouldn't date someone who is poz either. It isn't shallow to be concerned about your personal health and not wanting to take a risk of potentially contracting a life changing virus.

 

[MasonJay]

I'm actually going through this same thing. I just met a guy. He's perfect. Fits everyone of my wants, and we have just enough in common to keep conversation going, plus learning new things that the other isn't knowledgeable about. I don't know if the relationship will blossom fully, but I really want to try. He just found out that he's poz, so we've been talking about that. He's so happy that I've been willing to talk to him even knowing that he's poz. Since he's not on the meds yet, I did use a condom to suck him (though I really didn't want to) because I know his viral load is not under control yet, but I didn't use anything to rim him--I'm hoping that wasn't a mistake. My guess--right or wrong--is that he's more able to pass it on until he gets everything going with the medication.

 

[jtonic]

Since he's not on the meds yet, I did use a condom to suck him (though I really didn't want to) because I know his viral load is not under control yet, but I didn't use anything to rim him--I'm hoping that wasn't a mistake. My guess--right or wrong--is that he's more able to pass it on until he gets everything going with the medication.

I know this post is a month old, but just adding my 2 cents:

You guess right. Unless he's on meds, his viral load is probably high. If the infection is recent, then his viral load is extremely high (sometimes in the millions); if it's been a few months, then his body probably started to produce antibodies and his viral load may have decreased since then, but still considered risky if you're not using protection.

Use protection for anything you do (and that includes rimming, if he's a bottom, since there's a greater chance of micro fissures). If he starts taking meds and is able to get undetectable, then he is technically the safest fucks out there (no kidding). A poz-undetectable has a lower risk of giving you HIV than a 'neg' guy who hasn't been tested since his most recent hookup. Studies just came out showing that among sero-different couples (a neg and a poz), there has been ZERO case of HIV transmission between partners - including those who only engaged in bareback sex. You can look it up.

For yourself, another new measure of protection is PrEP treatment. It's new. It's not available everywhere yet. But if your clinic offers it, consider it. It's pre-exposure pills. They have little to no side effects. They are basically a variant of the same meds poz people take to fight HIV. They dramatically lower the chance that you contract it from a poz partner. Coupled with condoms, the risk is zero. Depending where you live, this is covered by Medicare as well. It's becoming a trend in the medical world, but governments are still reticent to endorse it.