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Dating guys with troubled pasts, drugs, jail, etc...

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BiGuy8705

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There is this guy, the one that I didn't know I was apparently "Dating" from the other thread I made yesterday titled "what is a date". We hung out a lot this week, and he's a really cool guy. To be honest, I'm not really sure what I like about him... it's kind of akward when we're together, he's not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but... for some reason I can't explain, I'm drawn to him.

A few days ago he let me in on the fact that he was in jail for 6 months. This when he said "since this is our second date, I should probably tell you..." when I wasn't aware we were dating. I asked him what it involved, and he said it involved cocaine. It didnt really bother me too much at the time for some reason, it could have been because I was wayy under the influence of alcohol. I also really respected the fact that he told me.

I talked to his friend last night... basically I guess he did some stupid stuff while he was really high, got put on probation, and basically went to jail for violating his probation in some form or another. The stupid stuff he did bothered me much more than the actual drug offense, since I'm relatively open minded in that department.

He seems like he's shaped up a lot, and I do like being with him, again for reasons I can't really even explain?? Maybe it's that I feel the need to help people. He was had a really rough week, almost got fired, etc, for reasons out of his control.. I helped him out in every way I could... and yesterday his paycheck didn't come in the mail, he needed to go register for classes at school, so I let him borrow $50 for gas, cigarettes, and to get him through the weekend... I figured $50 was worth figuring out what kind of person he was.

What is your experiene in dating a guy with a troubled / druggie past? I know how easy it is, especially with coke, for someone to start using again and get out of control. I would never be stupid enough to let a guy steal from me or use me for anything... but it would be crushing to help get someones life on track, only for it to go back down the shitter again.
 
Understand that it is not your job to get his life back in order. It is HIS job and only HE can turn himself around. If anything, you are only ENABLING him to continue his behavior. In extreme cases, he may be MANIPULATING you to do so. I understand that people get into trouble and have "problem" pasts. Understand that so many of them worked very hard to get themselves thrown in jail. They simply didn't care, ignored the law and went on their merry way until they got caught, "stupid stuff" notwithstanding. Unless he is undergoing BONAFIDE counseling and rehab, you can only believe what he tells you. That's not good enough for me, no matter my personal feelings for the person. There was a time in the past where I became involved with people like this, with horrendous consequences and gut-wrenching heartache to me. If his "problems" continue, either now or in the future, you do not want to be involved. Your life will turn into courtrooms, police, horrendous phone calls and the end of peace in your life. Believe me, I learned my lesson the hard way. If he happens to be a convicted felon, you are really inviting problems.

There are TONS of guys out there without "problem" pasts and legal baggage. You owe it to yourself to find someone who really deserves you without compromising your own ethics and sense of caring. My opinion but I would forget him and move on with your life.
 
Thanks. To be honest, that's the reply I was expecting and waiting for. I think I really just need to find a new crush and forget about this one, and knowing me that shouldn't take very long.. lol.
 
I agree with the Oralandude... .

I also believe that each and every one should be given a fair chance. Sadly, neither my schedule, nor my present position would really allow me to do so. I'm too vulnerable and my schedule is too tight.

Your situation might be very different. You can take your time and go only one step at the time. Make your decisions only, once you are perfectly comfortable with doing so.

SC
 
The more I think about it I think the whole reason I enjoyed being with him, despite the akwardness sometimes, etc, was I felt needed... I guess I've always been like that with my friends, etc.

This whole week was just spent pretty much helping him through a really rough week. Part of it I felt responsible for, but I definately went way out of my way to help him. I mean I lent him money because is paycheck didn't come in the mail, and I NEVER would think of lending anyone money. I guess in my mind it would be a test to see what kind of person he is.
 
So let me see if I got this right. Someone fucks up, does drugs, and serves his time...so now he is loser for life? Give me a fucking break!

Friendships, (or more), are based on respect and honesty! You respected him enough to help him. See what happens. It is not up to us to tell you stick with him or not. If he does not repay you, then you consider your course of action with him!
 
Did he specifically ask you for the money? Or did you just offer it up? Because I think there is a slight difference between being taken advantage of and laying down in front of the door.

First you have a little problem in the relationship and it is NOT that he was in jail or drugs. It is the need to be needed. Bad, bad, bad habit. And generally the difference between being taken advantage of and laying down in front of the door. Only thing that is worse is feeling sorry for someone.

It already sounds like you are making excuses for him. Mainly because you said he had a bad week "because of things out of his control." I need to say: please! When you have a bad week does someone pay you $50??? If you're lucky like me you have someone that says: "hey man, that really sucks and I know how you feel, but suck it up and MAKE your next week go better" The indicator of whether or not this guy is a loser is NOT his past (although that plays a part), but if he dusts himself off and moves on or if he wallows and feels sorry for himself.

He sounds just "ok" right now. I mean points for telling you the truth about his unfortunate incarceration. And for going to school.

I think you need to judge for yourself what kind of guy he is by what he DOES and not what he DID. And don't feel sorry for him! No one wants that. Escpecially a stand up guy.
 
I know it's a bad habbit, and one that I didn't realize I had until I really thought about this situation. The more I look into it, I have been friends with a lot of people in situations that I liked feeling needed... only to end up avoiding those friends completely in the end.

He did not ask for the money. We both have had a crazy week, and he IMed me and told me about the most recent problem, that his paycheck didn't come in and he was going crazy b/c he didnt have gas, cigarettes, etc, and needed that check. I let him panic for a little while, while I asked my friends their opinion on what I should do... then once he told me "SHIT i forgot all about my financial aid appointment, its at 4:00"... i realized he had no gas, and wanted him to get his college situation taken care of, so I went against all of my own thoughts and told him to come meet me asap and I'd lend him some cash so he wouldnt be late for his meeting.

Yesterday we didn't meet up afterall like we said we would... we'll see what happens today, I don't think he's avoiding me, but he might just not care now that he has $$ for the weekend. I'm going to a birthday party right by his house, so I'm going to try to see him for a little bit to feel out the situation.
 
Neither a borrower nor lender be - The best thing you could have done was empathize with his situation and if you truly wanted him to make his appointment offer to drive him.

If you don't get your money back you probably shouldn't go around talking about what a mook this guy is (not that you would). It would kind of be like wearing this big ass deer costume in the middle of the woods during hunting season and then being appalled when someone shot you.
 
I do my best not to judge peopl on the past rather on the present. If they are true and honest about making life better for themself, then I will stick with them. If I find out that they are just setting up a smoke screen, then I hit the road. Having a troubled past scared me at one time, but it wasn't until I looked at the events a selected person's life that I selected to stick around. That was 12 years ago, and although they will slip from time to time, I know the person deep down. You can't judge a book by it's cover. Take a chance, and you will enjoy more than you ever can dream of.
 
You know, IMO, the only reason he brought up his finanical problems is for you to help him, otherwise you would have never known about that. If he was such a great person, he could have just not worried his friends such as you with his own problems, so why didn't his other friends lend him any money??? Is is:

1) because he already asked and they said NO, knowing what he would do with it
2) he didn't need to ask because he already got you hooked when he casually brought up the problems to your face and then pretend he never said it so he was feeding on your conscience so you would help him and he doesn't need to ask anyone else for any money.

I'd say this guy is bad news!!
 
Sounds like he's using you to me. You also have to wonder about what type of guy he is if he's going to jail for probation violation. He was given a break by getting probation and he screwed up again. The paycheck didn't come in is one of the oldest excuses that use. Rarely is that paychecks don't come in on time. If companies did that, their employees would find jobs elsewhere.

Now that you know about your issue with helping people, you need to have your guard up in the future. Avoid giving money. There are many ways you can help friends without giving them money. Money is rarely the solution to the problem, but rather just a band-aid. If all they want is money, they don't really want your help. Also, you need to make sure the friends you pick are the type who will reciprocate your help.
 
Well, I moved onto my next crush... which I think is exactly what I needed to do. He really doesn't have his life together as much as I thought he did. He has yet to pay back the money, but he doesn't have any himself either. What happened was he quit his job, and had to return a cell phone they gave him, and I guess they're putting some kind of hold on the check to make sure he didn't use it for anything he shouldn't have. Fucked up situation, but I think I'll see my money soon.
 
Glad you moved on.

Several times, you mentioned that you weren't sure what attracted you to him, yet you seemed to provide the answer at least twice: You're attracted to people who need help, i.e., a rescuer. Many people in the helping professions (doctors, lawyers, teachers, social workers, psychologists, etc., etc., etc.) have forms of this and tend to like to think of it as liking to help people who need help and getting intrinsic rewards for it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, necessarily, but it's best if you recognize it exists, and recognize when your need to help may be motivating you to engage in a unhealthy relationship or situation.

It's always good to bounce ideas off friends in these situations!

Best of luck to you.
 
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