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Dating site etiquette?

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TrailRider86

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So lets say you meet a guy through an online site and you chat, meet up, and get the feeling like this could really go somewhere; and it's not just one-sided. He tells you he thinks things are really good and wants to keep seeing each other. That's happening to me with a guy for the last few weeks. Then the other day I get an email saying I have messages on the site we met on. I log in to check them and find that he is online too. Then I noticed he's always online there.... Should I read anything into this? Could he not be as interested as he's saying? Since we started talking I pretty much forgot about the site, but I guess that just wasnt the case with him. Any thoughts? Thanks guys.
 
Some guys have friends there. Some guys just like the attention.

But it would make me at least a little suspicious. It depends on how the rest of your relationship is going, really.
 
You're not his boyfriend, you're not in a monogamous relationship, you're not in a relationship at all, you're just dating, and it's way to early to be freaking out that he's not acting like your boyfriend.

If this goes somewhere, it will go somewhere, if not it won't. That's the chance we all take.

If you like him, and he likes you, then hang out together and see if there's something there. If you start obsessing over whether or not he's as serious as you, I predict you'll push him away no matter what his intentions were to begin with.

It's way to early to be thinking serious. You need to be thinking compatibility, long before you get to serious. You don't really know this guy yet, and you won't get to know him unless you put in the time.

He could be playing around, but then he may in fact like you, but maybe not enough to want a relationship with you. Or he could really get to like you once you get to know each other.

Who knows - certainly we don't. So don't over commit, don't start immediately picking out china patterns in your head, don't start playing the jealous hausfrau, just go with it, and have a good time, and you'll find out what his intentions are.
 
thanks guys. It's not like im crying myself to sleep over this I was just really shocked to see him spending so much time on there when he says he's so into me... just makes me feel like this really isnt going anywhere. Guess I'll find out...
 
Maybe he just leaves his browser open on that site?? I know when I am on dating sites I am often doing other things or even surfing JUB but those sites are open in another tab.
 
thanks again. I'm not really worried about it... I honestly was just surprised and it got me thinking. When would you draw the line? After a month, two months of dating and your partner is still checking out guys online?
 
TrailRider86 said:
thanks again. I'm not really worried about it... I honestly was just surprised and it got me thinking. When would you draw the line? After a month, two months of dating and your partner is still checking out guys online?
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If you guys aren't officially a couple yet, then there should be no line. You can't tell him to stop using the dating site unless you guys are in a monogamous relationship. Maybe he's on there on talk to friends he knew before he met you. Or just tell him to update his profile to reflect that he's only looking for friendship on there.

I have a similar situation at the moment. I've been seeing a guy, we're not a couple yet and we met through a dating site. I still use the dating site to stay in contact with friends and to make new friends. He is showing sign of jealousy because he thinks I'm cheating on him. I repeatedly told him that I'm just there for the friendship factor. To be honest, if we do decide to go into a relationship and he forbids me to use the dating site then it's not much of a relationship anymore. We keep going back and forth, he would say: I don't know if I can be in a relationship with you, you might cheat on me. To which I reply: I'm not sure if I want a relationship either if you have no trust in me. Until you learn to trust me, we should just stay as more than friends, but less than boyfriends.

And that is what my relationship with this guy is at right now.

good luck on your situation. :)
 
TrailRider86 said:
thanks again. I'm not really worried about it... I honestly was just surprised and it got me thinking. When would you draw the line? After a month, two months of dating and your partner is still checking out guys online?
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If there's already trust issues I would reevaluate dealing with this person..Then again you wouldn't be aware if he's online unless your are too. I guess you have to trust that he isn't doing anything malicious.
 
I don't know what there is. I had just never thought about this before and was curious what you all thought about it. I guess it bothers me because we all know he's not on there to chat with friends, that would be done over email or im or w/e. Im not accusing him of anything. I find it odd some of the posters would be so accepting. Maybe I do have trust issues. He and I have already said we are only interested in a closed relationship and that we are serious about getting to know each other. I just felt a little hurt when I saw him on there. Not enough to bring it up at this point, but hurt none the less. You mean some of you guys wouldnt feel that way at all?? Thanks for the input either way!
 
Accepting of what? You don't have any kind of commitment. You don't really even know this guy.

You may both be interested in a monogamous relationship, but neither of you are in one. He may be serious, that he wants to get to know you, but he doesn't know you yet. May be he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, maybe he just likes to hang out with you, maybe he hasn't decided yet, maybe he's just yankin' your chain, who knows, in any case you have no promises yet, and he's not obligated to change his ways until he commits.

You haven't gotten him to commit to you, why are you feeling hurt that he's not acting like a man committed to you? If what you want is the fairy tale of some guy who's just consumed with obsession for you the moment he lays eyes on you, obviously this is not the guy for you - and now you know that, thank god you found out way early. Move on. YOU have no obligation to stick around either, and if his behavior so far is that objectionable to you, why do you think you're right for each other?

If however you realize that healthy guys do not, and will not, commit overnight, give him a chance, he may still disappoint you, he may still be an ass, but c'est la vie, if you never toss the dice, you never win the gamble.

Look, until you have that conversation, and get that agreement, there is no relationship. He's got no obligation to be monogamous for you. And while I understand that you got your feelings hurt, he didn't do anything wrong.

I run far and fast from guys who think they're my boyfriend overnight, and start acting like jealous housewives after only a couple of dates. He may be like me, it takes me a long time and a lot of communication before I'll even consider making a commitment - and yes I do like being in a relationship, and I will say that, but I'm not gonna put my life on hold in the meantime. However the moment I make a promise, I keep it.
 
TX-Beau said:
Accepting of what? You don't have any kind of commitment. You don't really even know this guy.

You may both be interested in a monogamous relationship, but neither of you are in one. He may be serious, that he wants to get to know you, but he doesn't know you yet. May be he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, maybe he just likes to hang out with you, maybe he hasn't decided yet, maybe he's just yankin' your chain, who knows, in any case you have no promises yet, and he's not obligated to change his ways until he commits.

You haven't gotten him to commit to you, why are you feeling hurt that he's not acting like a man committed to you? If what you want is the fairy tale of some guy who's just consumed with obsession for you the moment he lays eyes on you, obviously this is not the guy for you - and now you know that, thank god you found out way early. Move on. YOU have no obligation to stick around either, and if his behavior so far is that objectionable to you, why do you think you're right for each other?

If however you realize that healthy guys do not, and will not, commit overnight, give him a chance, he may still disappoint you, he may still be an ass, but c'est la vie, if you never toss the dice, you never win the gamble.

Look, until you have that conversation, and get that agreement, there is no relationship. He's got no obligation to be monogamous for you. And while I understand that you got your feeling hurt, he didn't do anything wrong.

I run far and fast from guys who think they're my boyfriend overnight, and start acting like jealous housewives after only a couple of dates. He may be like me, it takes me a long time and a lot of communication before I'll even consider making a commitment - and yes I do like being in a relationship, and I will say that, but I'm not gonna put my life on hold in the meantime. However the moment I make a promise, I keep it.
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We met weeks ago, not yesterday. Its a littler more serious than hello. Although we havent officially said we're dating, based on our conversations it would be considered totally uncalled for if one of us was seeing someone else now. Don't make me sound like some overbearing fool who falls in love over night. I just dont want to get hurt if he's just leading me on until the next best thing comes along.
 
Oh WEEKS ago, pardon me. that's so much longer.

How do you know what he thinks would be uncalled for if he didn't tell you explicitly? And if he told you that explicitly why are you wasting your time and energy on him, he's already a liar?

AND if you haven't officially said you're dating, how did he communicate that it would be totally uncalled for for him to see someone else - I assume this was some kind of ESP since if he'd made you that promise this would be an entirely different thread. And if all of your ESP is correct, why aren't you headed for the horizon? He's a liar and a cheat, and you already know it. Why are you even concerned anymore.

Never assume you know what's going on in someone else's head. Never assume something is, just because we want it to be. Never assume someone means more that what they actually say.
 
TrailRider86 said:
We met weeks ago, not yesterday. Its a littler more serious than hello. Although we havent officially said we're dating, based on our conversations it would be considered totally uncalled for if one of us was seeing someone else now. Don't make me sound like some overbearing fool who falls in love over night. I just dont want to get hurt if he's just leading me on until the next best thing comes along.
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I don't think you're being unduly irrational. Maybe we just commit a little sooner than most? I usually know pretty quickly if a guy's worth dating or not, so I don't have a lot of medium-term relationships. It either doesn't work out pretty quickly, or they turn into LTRs. I guess other guys are pretty different that way. Maybe you should clarify things with your date/bf/whatever he is. :)
 
Lube said:
I don't think you're being unduly irrational. Maybe we just commit a little sooner than most? I usually know pretty quickly if a guy's worth dating or not, so I don't have a lot of medium-term relationships. It either doesn't work out pretty quickly, or they turn into LTRs. I guess other guys are pretty different that way. Maybe you should clarify things with your date/bf/whatever he is. :)
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I think that's an effect of age and experience. I know in my 20's I succumbed to all kinds of stupid irrationalities where guys are concerned.
 
Lube said:
I don't think you're being unduly irrational. Maybe we just commit a little sooner than most? I usually know pretty quickly if a guy's worth dating or not, so I don't have a lot of medium-term relationships. It either doesn't work out pretty quickly, or they turn into LTRs. I guess other guys are pretty different that way. Maybe you should clarify things with your date/bf/whatever he is. :)
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Yeah. I feel like it is too soon to be like "hey why are you still on that site all day" I dont want to seem like a jealous dick but at the same time I want him to know that it hurts me and makes me feel like he's not as interested as he keeps saying he is. Like you said, it doesnt take long to find out if there is potential or not. I think there is and we talked about it and he says he's right there with me but now I keep wondering. I wont loose sleep over it but it would upset me if I find out I am being played with.
 
Sweetie, all you have to do is tell him. If you won't, that's your choice, and your consequences.

I suspect you know he won't react well to that, because of what you've said in here, I suspect that you've committed more than he has, and I suspect that you probably know that.

So, like I said before, he's obviously not the kind of guy you want, and I don't see how that's gonna change, so maybe you need to be looking for another guy.
 
Well here is what I said to my current bf I met off a dating site.."I deleted my account, I have no need for it anymore since i met you." His response "I'm happy you said that cause I did too"
 
TrailRider86 said:
I don't know what there is. I had just never thought about this before and was curious what you all thought about it. I guess it bothers me because we all know he's not on there to chat with friends, that would be done over email or im or w/e. Im not accusing him of anything. I find it odd some of the posters would be so accepting. Maybe I do have trust issues. He and I have already said we are only interested in a closed relationship and that we are serious about getting to know each other. I just felt a little hurt when I saw him on there. Not enough to bring it up at this point, but hurt none the less. You mean some of you guys wouldnt feel that way at all?? Thanks for the input either way!
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If he's not on there to chat, and just hooking up with other guys then I guess he's not on the same plane of thought about the relationship as yours. Either you confront and tell him you want more out of the relationship. If he says that he feels the same way, then hallelujah. If not, nothing but for you to find another guy.
 
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