Dating someone with social anxiety and a low sex drive?

[Ephemeral]

Early last month, I met a guy on OkCupid. I'd actually been introduced to him two years ago, but he was my co-worker's friend and it was in passing, so I didn't think much of him. We began messaging each other and really hit it off. He has a great personality and I find him attractive and adorable. The thing is, he has severe social anxiety. Bars, clubs, and social outings unnerve him. Speaking in class and simply being around his classmates overwhelms him.

It took us three weeks to finally go on a date. The days leading up to the date, he texted me stating how nervous he was about it and on the date, he was visibly nervous but we still had a great time. It felt very natural being with him. Everything just fell into place, almost like being with a good friend. But still, getting him to hang out is always a challenge. I almost have to beg to see him. Us living with our parents makes it harder, especially as my father and his mother are against us being gay. Last week, he kept giving me the run-around on seeing me. The last straw was when he pretty much ditched me to play League of Legends and hang out with his friends after they convinced him to. I became frustrated and stopped texting him, figuring he was just not into me. But he ended up texting me two days later. I explained myself and he apologized throughout the conversation that that wasn't how it was at all and he didn't mean to make me feel this way, stating he felt bad himself having to cancel on me time and time again.

Another thing that concerns me is his sex drive. He stated not needing sex that much and hinted twice at being asexual. That completely threw me for a loop and I really should've expressed my concern but I haven't fully yet. He also isn't too big on affection, only preferring cuddles and kisses and not a fan of hugs or massages. Whereas I'm huge on affection. This was all through text, so I haven't actually experienced this in person really.
I asked him why his sex drive is so low and he agreed with me that it's probably a combination of naturally feeling that way and his lack of experience.

I really like this guy and we mesh well together personality-wise, but there seem to be so, so many barriers in front of me. I sometimes wonder if this is all worth it and why the hell I haven't given up on him. We text everyday, all day, with him often starting and continuing the conversations. So I know he's interested in me, I just don't know to what extent. Yesterday, he told me he was getting more comfortable being around me. As stated before, it's really hard to hang out with him; not even his friends can get him out of the house. What's frustrating is that we attend the same university and have the same major, yet it sometimes feel long-distance in how standoffish he is with meeting me. He also seems dependent on his best friend; if she's not going, he's not going. For example: he invited me out to the movies with him and the best friend for tonight. She cancelled and I suggested just us two. He said he had to study and was going out tomorrow (with me, his best friend, and a group of my friends) anyway. We're all going out to Pride tomorrow. He stated how anxious the thought of being around so many people made him feel and I stated I'd be there with him. He insists he must drink in order to feel more relaxed, but I told him I found him cute no matter what.

The thing is, we have our similarities. I'd rather stay in on a Friday and Saturday night than club or party. I am socially awkward and get some anxiety during most social situations. I'm a gamer. I have little experience with sex and have never been in a relationship (he has but he said it was very short-lived and one-sided; it lasted three months). So really, we are in similar boats.

He's mentioned disliking his social anxiety, being on antidepressants in high school and even wanting to get counseling after I told him I had a counselor. I want something to come of this, but I feel like his social anxiety and sex drive (if we ever get to that point) will rule the relationship. And that's something I can't accept, unless he wants to and is willing to work on them.

 

[aaggii]

There´s one thing suffering from such a shitty thing like social anxiety (I have it too) and being a dick head. I mean, you made it obvious, I think, that you´re into him and he keeps doing what he does. I had a time where I blamed on social anxiety everything I did wrong and it took me some time to see it´s not really like this. Have a serious talk with him and tell him you´re all for a relationship but you can´t wait any much longer.


As for the sex drive, I really don´t understand people who have it at such a low level. I´d fuck a week without stopping if I could find someone like me

 

[Ganoderma]

Thanks for making your posting.

Its partly tough because your dad and his mom are 'anti-gay' and because both of you are still living together with your parents. So there is also no good alternative that either you often visit him at his house, or that he is often visiting you when you are at home, or that you will do this alternatively.

Any idea why your dad and his mom are 'anti-gay'? I mean, they can't change anything about you, and it seems to me that both of you are living as an open gay (so no closet cases).

 

[Ephemeral]

Thanks y'all for the replies.

aaggii, I don't understand low sex drives either. I thought mine was pretty low and abnormal (not much a fan of anal and never sluttied around) until I met him.

Ganoderma, with my father it's culture as he is Caribbean. With his mother, it's religion. They kinda hold 'out of sight, out of mind' mentalities. My father doesn't want any guy I'm interested in over at the house period. Not sure how my mother would react, not nearly at the same level as my father though. He said his mother isn't okay with it, but I'm not sure to what extent. And yes, we are both openly gay. Plus, he lives in a nearby town very, very close to the city I'm in. It's not far away but it's still a good drive. Not to mention I'm borrowing my father's truck while mine gets fixed (driving makes him nervous, though he does have his license). This makes things more frustrating as it adds another obstacle and honestly makes things feel like high school when we're both in our 20's. This makes me regret not moving out back in May.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ephemeral,

Thanks alot for your quick reply and for the explanation. Indeed a very frustrating situation which would not be the case when both of you were living by themselves. Anyway, very good of both of you live a life as an open gay. Your dad is definately on the wrong side of the history, though he will not yet be aware of it. I feel very sorry that both of you are currently unable to meet each other in the place where both of you will feel very comfortable and relaxed. I hope either you or him will soon be able to get his own place, as I have the idea that meeting each other would be much less complicated.

How about spending more time together with him when both of you are at the university?

 

[TX-Beau]

Ephemeral - when you are doing all the work at the beginning, you will be doing all the work when it goes south on you.

For a relationship to function in a healthy way - you both have to be working at it. What you've got is not a promising situation.

I'd back off and be friends and forget the relationship hopes until he changes, which he probably won't.

 

[Scealle]

I hope things work out for you. I have had social anxiety back when I was young, thankfully it got better. As for low sex drive, I think maybe you should let time do the course? i think different people have different sexual desires and maybe some hardly need that at all to get through life. I have had known a few who are this way.

 

[Ephemeral]

Update: So I asked him if he saw me as a friend or something more last night. He stated he assumed I saw him in that way but didn't know it was actually true. He said he was too much of a mess right now and he wouldn't want to try things out with someone and end up hurting them. That he learned from his previous relationship that he has to love himself before he can love someone else. I agreed and mentioned counseling and medication and he said with his history, neither have worked and don't see it improving things this time around either. I respected him enough to tell me the truth and I told him never to force anything if he's not ready. He kept apologizing and I reassured him that this was for the best. I'm bummed out cause he's a cool guy but I told him we could still be friends, which sounds like the best thing to be right now.

Thanks again y'all for the replies. I really appreciated them.

 

[aaggii]

That he learned from his previous relationship that he has to love himself before he can love someone else.

Now isn´t this some tumblr bullshit.

I´m sorry it didn´t work out, but at least you tried. This way you can move on!