Dealing with a dying partner

[eddielee]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Since I've joined JUB, I've lost 3 family members to cancer, so I understand what it's like.

Spend as much time as you can together. Remember that he is now alive, so treat him with love and laughter. Don't dwell on the end of his life, but celebrate who he is now.

 

[twardmo]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I don't even know what to say :'(.
Watch every sunrise, and every sunset. Hold hands, and you won't be able to say "I love you" enough.

 

[cocktales]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Jamie,

What "great" advice already given by our wonderful JUBBERS here!

I am so impressed by each and everyone's take on your horrible situation and their sensitivity for your and his feelings.

There is NO one answer to what to do, for each and every person's needs have to be filled individually; but YOUR love and under-standing "WILL" help him make it through with true dignity.

I DO hope you both have "living-wills" so that when the end comes, you will NOT be recusicated therefore pro-longing the agony of horrible cancer!

KNOW that we're with you and ALL of us are available for your PMs ........anytime!

Good luck and hang in there my friend!

 

[luminum]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I think your plan to live each day out to its max is important and a great one. The time you have together is invaluable. He may not be able to do everything you both want to or sometimes he may not wish to do anything, but that's normal and completely understandable as he goes through many of his emotions. It's also difficult, but important to talk about death before it actually reaches there. He may want to express his concerns or acceptance of his death and he needs someone there who can help him work through it. That may be you, or it may be a counselor.

It's important to be strong for your partner, as he'll probably go through the stages of reacting to his dying. However, it's also important that you have a support network.

What the two of you will be going through is related, but different and both need to be treated as such in some way. You need to be able to express your feelings (all of them) about your partner's limited time to someone. Perhaps a support group is available through the medical center? Check to see if there are sessions for couples together, or spouses of the terminally ill, etc. I think they can be incredibly helpful. Also, any family or friends you have may be very willing to reach out to the both of you and it's important to take that help and tat love when you need it.

My uncle is currently dying as well and my aunt has been rather loathe to seek help, taking on the task of looking over him to near exhaustion. When anyone tried to help her or offer her support she would lash out and withdraw and we could all see the toll it's taking on her. She maintained the idea that it was just her and him against everyone else, when really my uncle and my aunt are best friends, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters to the rest of us. So it made it incredibly difficult to reach out to her and support her during her grieving and also go through our own grieving processes.

While my uncle needs support for his own fears and resolutions concerning his situation, my aunt wasn't letting any of hers come out as she's losing the person she loves the most and until very recently it was like watching a plane go down in flames. I think she's (thankfully) started to accept that it is not a situation she can handle on her own. She personally felt like a burden asking us to help her with the small and large things she needed when as friends and family, we were more than willing to share the load with her and my uncle.

So please, please take care of yourself as well.

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Our plan is to live each day to the max and see where things go from there.

That is the best approach.

Having lived through the experience of having a loved one die of cancer thirteen weeks after the diagnosis, I can tell you that it is going to be very stressful many days. But there are opportunities for real joy and sharing and fun as well.

You also have to revise the agreement that requires you to be strong all the time. Once he's gone, if you've just kept it all bottled up, your physical and mental health are going to be much more at risk. So, if he is a fair person, he'll understand that it isn't right that you should have to spend every day putting on a brave act.

Make sure you go out to dinner and to plays and entertain friends and family. I guarantee that it will help mke these the most memorable days you spend together.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Jamie,

How interesting I was just wondering what my future here at JUB might be. I got some news yesterday about my own changing health concerns. None of us is guaranteed anything.

What I want to say above all in this moment, is that I am wonderfully impressed with these group of posts, and how loving and sensitive they are. This is JUB in it's finest hour. Thanks for stepping up and making a difference. RL, I was deeply touched by your own loss back in 1994, I had not read that part of your story before. It is great wisdom you offer, and I am glad Jamie has such JUB friends. It is a cause for us to pat ourselves on the back. Well done, JUBbers.

Jamie, you will have to live it, I am sure you might never have expected this amount of response just now, and it is a measure of your depth that you spoke up. Of course, all of us will hold you in our prayers and hope to have some contact with you throughout this difficult time in your life. We are a part of your family too.

God bless you both.
Shep+

 

[jwest]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I've been in the same position before and this is what I've learned...

Don't avoid the issue... Pretending nothing is wrong doesn't give you more time. It can be beneficial to talk about everything.

Don't go out of your way to do extraordinary things. The best times in any relationship are the normal, everyday moments. The memory of the routine atmoshpere is what's important.

Don't censor your emotions, neither of you.

 

[jamie_01930]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Thank you all for the support and well wishes.

Several years back I lost my mother to lung cancer. the scary part there was she went so fast. Bright and cheerful one day and gone several days later.

Bob is in good spirits and doesn't appear to be too worried. He is currently putting things in order.

we go see a doctor wednesday for a second opinion and another the following week as to what lies ahead.

It's seems like a horriable nightmare.

It wasn't suppose to end this way.

Once again thank you for alll the support .

jamie

 

[Joshua_me]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Thinking of you and yours, babe.

Be strong. Cherish the time you have.

 

[kevbo]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

"To die will be an awfully big adventure" - Peter Pan

Just remember the death is part of life, and although it's not very easy, it is a necessary part of life to have someone we love pass away.

 

[jamie_01930]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Well it has been just a couple of months and Bob has pasted aug 3,'08
He was hellve guy and solemate

rip

Yesterday He and I went to his doctors and got the word t

hat he has about 6 months +/- to live due to lung cancer.

I went to pieces when I could be alone but have pulled myself together and promised myself that I would be strong around him .

Our plan is to live each day to the max and see where things go from there.

as for traveling, he isn't all that strong , that at this time is possibe


If anyone has ideas to get through this , please tell me.

 

[alley]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I don't know what to say, so--

Everyone experiences grief differently--I have to just feel it and allow myself the time to work through the pain.

You are in my thoughts



Bill

 

[frankfrank]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Jamie,

It is my worst nightmare. In 2000 I survived an accident and was told I would never walk again. My reaction was to tell me partner that I never in a million years wanted to put him through this, and told him he was free to leave. That was really stupid of me, but I saw no future.

You see a future, and for him that is vital. My advice be there for him and do what you can do together. He will undoubtedly need to experience your partnered love making, but perhaps in a diminished capacity.

Temptation is to deny your grief. I hope as you become more experienced and practiced you can do just that, but for now, of course you will cry and perhaps you will have more crying jags. Do not hide that precious gift of obvious love from one another.

There is seldom anything that can be said, for one's words contain no magic, so practice touch. Treat him as much as you always have so that he does not sense you are afraid that you will hurt him, for what more hurt can he really experience.

Practice with each other holy presence, and do spend some time recallomg favorite old memories and times, for when he is gone, you will not have anyone left to share them with who can truly share them as you do together.

Be sure when you are able to understand clearly what each one needs from the other as far as ceremonies when one dies, and it will be as much funeral for you as it is for him, for what happens to our partners in a way always happens to us. Also with gay justice in the sorry state it is, do make certain of your inheritance and whatever else is important and necessary.

Please know that our hearts reach out to you, and I am fighting back tears even now, for this is truly a difficult time, but you will be able to live it, one day at a time. Thanks for sharing this important information. You are a wonderful person, and I wish you the best, and you may PM me anytime you feel you need to. God bless.

Shep+

Shep+, I've seen a lot of great posts from you, but this may be the best post you've ever made. I agree with everything you said here without exception.

Of course the circumstances are far different as of this week, but Shep+'s words are still as important as ever.

Jamie, please accept my best condolences, though so much has already been said and I don't know what I can add.

I didn't know this was happening, as I entirely missed this thread the first time.

Actually, I can add something, but it's only symbolic at best.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I'm deeply sorry to read about your loss.

It goes to prove that tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

I pray that during your last days and hours together, that a word didn't go unspoken, and that there was some measure of happiness despite the short measure of time that was allowed.

I buried my best-friend go some years ago, and his illness at the time was "terminal."

Losing someone, when you know that they're going to go, can have a resolution and a beauty that's not shared or always possible when the loss comes about abruptly.

I know that I always hoped that there would be more time.

That something would happen to positively prolong the unavoidable.

It will be fourteen years this November since I lost my best-friend, and I still remember him as if I just saw him yesterday.

A poem that helped me to accept his passing, and reminds me of him I'll share with you now, with the hope that you might find a little peace within your heart, and with your loss:

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Do not stand at my grave and weep.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am not there. I do not sleep.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am a thousand winds that blow.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am the diamond glints on snow.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am the sunlight on ripened grain.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am the gentle autumn rain.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When you awaken in the morning's hush,[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am the swift uplifting rush[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] of quiet birds in circled flight.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am the soft stars that shine at night.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Do not stand at my grave and cry.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I am not there; I did not die.[/FONT]​

Most Sincerely,

 

[josher]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

My sincere condolences. I have been there; I understand.

You and Bob's family are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[operafan]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

Jamie - I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Please know that many of us in the community grieve for your sadness as well.

Be well.

 

[star-warrior]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I'm deeply sorry to hear that. Keep in there, Jaime.

 

[teadrinker]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

How very sad... I am very sorry for you.

Please allow yourself time to grieve, and ignore the well meaning friends who want to keep you "busy", or to "think about something else". Allow yourself to be comforted in this time of your need.

We all love you here.

-T.

 

[hotdog1846]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I'm so sorry, Jamie. It's always so difficult to lose someone you love. I wish I could take away the pain, but all I can do is offer virtual hugs ... and know that I'm thinking of you.

 

[G-Lexington]

Through my sorrow, I'm happy you got to meet him, and happy he got to touch your life as much as he did.

Lex