Dealing with a dying partner

[PreTTy PeTe]

so sorry for your loss

 

[Chalchalero]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I initially did not want to respond to this thread because everything was still so fresh for me and brought back too much of my own pain. But if I can say something that will help someone deal with their pain, then that will have been a good thing, I hope.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I know what accompanying devastation, sadness and loneliness you must be feeling, having only recently endured the same experience myself. If you do not mind, I would like here to share my story with you.

Two years ago my partner and I found out that he had bladder cancer and that it was already in its final phase. We discovered that what he thought was a year-long bout of kidney stones was him actually passing pieces of the tumour. It was a horrifically painful experience for him...

He was immediately operated on and the bladder was removed and most of the lymph nodes. Apparently and unfortunately not all of the lymph nodes, however, and we discovered that the cancer had spread and that he would not have long to live.

This was in February of 2006. So we decided that with what time we had left together we would do whatever he had always wanted to do but hadn't done yet. That was a small list, as he had already done so much in his life (exploring the Australian Outback, learning Tok Pisin and living with an indigenous tribe in Papua New Guinea, owning an organic ranch and farm in Belize, spending six months hiking through Siberia, etc., etc., etc.)

We determined that we would visit his family and friends around the world one last time. So we spent the next eight months travelling to Switzerland, France, Germany, Austria, Italy, Ukraine, Hong Kong and Australia, which was the most wonderful time of both of our lives.

In Geneva we entered into a PACS or Registered Partnership, as it was his desire that we do so, and I was already a resident there since we owned a home there together. This enabled me to be able to inherit in Switzerland and France and was something that, while I'd resisted at the time, proved to be very beneficial for me. Even in his time of uncertainty, he was more concerned with looking after me.

It was a precious gift to be able to watch him light up as he showed me the sites of his earlier exploits and introduced me to life-long friends he had known since childhood. I saw where he was born, where he was raised, met friends he knew at Primarschule, saw photos of him as a baby in his mother's arms (many of which I brought back with me), explored old hiking treks he took as a boy through Die Lenk, visited his family's old mountain house (it is now a four star hotel!)...

We watched polo matches at the castle of his boyhood friend in Austria who had since turned his family's castle into a polo club, visited the Livadia Palace (former summer residence of the last three Tsars of Russia) in Ukraine, and we stormed the laborious steps of Montmartre in Paris. We went horseback riding at his sister's mountain home in the Alps of Haute-Savoie. It was a joy to see how much energy he had, ill and at 64 (I was trailing behind him most of the time, particularly at Montmartre).

I was so impressed by how well the trip went, that I thought for sure the doctors were mistaken and that he would make a full recovery. I was of course deluding myself, because there was really nothing to be done for him.

I now believe he expended his last energies making the trip and that it was probably that "second wind" people sometimes get just before they know they are to die.

Upon our return we learned that the cancer had spread to his bones and that with time he would no longer walk again. True to form, within two months of our return, he was using a cane to get about. By March of 2007 he was confined to a wheelchair. In August, he broke his hip and was hospitalised and operated on three times. But there was nothing they could do for him, and, with great difficulty, (and a borrowed private jet) we were able to get him back to Switzerland where he wished to die. On 17 October he passed away as he had wished, surrounded by loved ones and in the country of his birth.

We later spread his ashes out on Lake Geneva and then had a large party celebrating his life as was also his wish. Over 50 people from all over Europe came to attend the memorial and party afterwards. It was very gratifying. I later flew to New York to hold a memorial for him there as well, which was also very well attended. It was wonderful to see how many people loved and admired him so much. He truly was the most special of human beings.

I learned throughout this entire experience how important it is to simply live one's life to its fullest, especially if you have someone with whom to share it. Every moment together is precious and tomorrow is promised to no one. I learned to appreciate what and who I have and to be grateful for every moment I was able to look into his eyes and tell him that I loved him, because I knew that one day I would not be able to do that any more.

Today I am slowly turning from grief to resignation, but still harbouring a lingering sadness, obviously. I am trying to take some of the experiences and lessons I learned from him and apply them to my life as I try to move on with my own life as he would have expected me to do.

If there is one thing he would have resented more than anything it would be if I were to drown myself in my sorrow and grief and not continue to live. He would see it as a blasphemy on my part that I who continue to enjoy that life which he so treasured should not live it to the fullest in the way that he would have had it been granted him to do.

The loss will never disappear and will always be felt, but that is a good thing, because he is always with me. I will always see his smile or hear his laugh or even see his face in some strange unexpected place and I will feel comforted in knowing that somewhere out there he is still looking after me as he always has, and he always will.

That is my comfort. I hope it can be yours as well.

 

[mojoe54]

I am so sorry for your loss
bb

 

[gewhite3]

You're in my thoughts.....and have my condolences on your loss.

 

[Fucker29]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't know if there's anything one can say that may give comfort at a time like this. We can only offer our support. I'm sure you two loved each other very much and that's what you need to remember him by...the love you shared. That and knowing that, although he parted sooner, the time you had together was not in vain...

Stay strong!

 

[Fucker29]

Re: Dealing with a dieing partner

I initially did not want to respond to this thread because everything was still so fresh for me and brought back too much of my own pain. But if I can say something that will help someone deal with their pain, then that will have been a good thing, I hope.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I know what accompanying devastation, sadness and loneliness you must be feeling, having only recently endured the same experience myself. If you do not mind, I would like here to share my story with you.

Two years ago my partner and I found out that he had bladder cancer and that it was already in its final phase. We discovered that what he thought was a year-long bout of kidney stones was him actually passing pieces of the tumour. It was a horrifically painful experience for him...

He was immediately operated on and the bladder was removed and most of the lymph nodes. Apparently and unfortunately not all of the lymph nodes, however, and we discovered that the cancer had spread and that he would not have long to live.

This was in February of 2006. So we decided that with what time we had left together we would do whatever he had always wanted to do but hadn't done yet. That was a small list, as he had already done so much in his life (exploring the Australian Outback, learning Tok Pisin and living with an indigenous tribe in Papua New Guinea, owning an organic ranch and farm in Belize, spending six months hiking through Siberia, etc., etc., etc.)

We determined that we would visit his family and friends around the world one last time. So we spent the next eight months travelling to Switzerland, France, Germany, Austria, Italy, Ukraine, Hong Kong and Australia, which was the most wonderful time of both of our lives.

In Geneva we entered into a PACS or Registered Partnership, as it was his desire that we do so, and I was already a resident there since we owned a home there together. This enabled me to be able to inherit in Switzerland and France and was something that, while I'd resisted at the time, proved to be very beneficial for me. Even in his time of uncertainty, he was more concerned with looking after me.

It was a precious gift to be able to watch him light up as he showed me the sites of his earlier exploits and introduced me to life-long friends he had known since childhood. I saw where he was born, where he was raised, met friends he knew at Primarschule, saw photos of him as a baby in his mother's arms (many of which I brought back with me), explored old hiking treks he took as a boy through Die Lenk, visited his family's old mountain house (it is now a four star hotel!)...

We watched polo matches at the castle of his boyhood friend in Austria who had since turned his family's castle into a polo club, visited the Livadia Palace (former summer residence of the last three Tsars of Russia) in Ukraine, and we stormed the laborious steps of Montmartre in Paris. We went horseback riding at his sister's mountain home in the Alps of Haute-Savoie. It was a joy to see how much energy he had, ill and at 64 (I was trailing behind him most of the time, particularly at Montmartre).

I was so impressed by how well the trip went, that I thought for sure the doctors were mistaken and that he would make a full recovery. I was of course deluding myself, because there was really nothing to be done for him.

I now believe he expended his last energies making the trip and that it was probably that "second wind" people sometimes get just before they know they are to die.

Upon our return we learned that the cancer had spread to his bones and that with time he would no longer walk again. True to form, within two months of our return, he was using a cane to get about. By March of 2007 he was confined to a wheelchair. In August, he broke his hip and was hospitalised and operated on three times. But there was nothing they could do for him, and, with great difficulty, (and a borrowed private jet) we were able to get him back to Switzerland where he wished to die. On 17 October he passed away as he had wished, surrounded by loved ones and in the country of his birth.

We later spread his ashes out on Lake Geneva and then had a large party celebrating his life as was also his wish. Over 50 people from all over Europe came to attend the memorial and party afterwards. It was very gratifying. I later flew to New York to hold a memorial for him there as well, which was also very well attended. It was wonderful to see how many people loved and admired him so much. He truly was the most special of human beings.

I learned throughout this entire experience how important it is to simply live one's life to its fullest, especially if you have someone with whom to share it. Every moment together is precious and tomorrow is promised to no one. I learned to appreciate what and who I have and to be grateful for every moment I was able to look into his eyes and tell him that I loved him, because I knew that one day I would not be able to do that any more.

Today I am slowly turning from grief to resignation, but still harbouring a lingering sadness, obviously. I am trying to take some of the experiences and lessons I learned from him and apply them to my life as I try to move on with my own life as he would have expected me to do.

If there is one thing he would have resented more than anything it would be if I were to drown myself in my sorrow and grief and not continue to live. He would see it as a blasphemy on my part that I who continue to enjoy that life which he so treasured should not live it to the fullest in the way that he would have had it been granted him to do.

The loss will never disappear and will always be felt, but that is a good thing, because he is always with me. I will always see his smile or hear his laugh or even see his face in some strange unexpected place and I will feel comforted in knowing that somewhere out there he is still looking after me as he always has, and he always will.

That is my comfort. I hope it can be yours as well.

So sorry for your loss as well. Good to know you're keeping your chin and trying to live your life as much as you can. Stories like yours, although sad and heart wrenching, are also very inspirational. Makes one wonder about what's important in life and how precious life is, with all it's good and bad.


P.S.: I cried hard reading your story.

 

[thewiz]

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time....

 

[jamie_01930]

Bob died August 6, 2008 surrounded by his partner,friends and family.
Tonight 8/19th, will be my first night in the house after spending the other nights in a mental hospital, as i tried to be with him but was unsucessfull on 8/8/'08

there is a lesson in this but, i haven't a clue what it is

 

[954dude]

Being there for your dying partner is the most humble act and display of love. It can be a toll on the emotions, but you created memories to last with you and made a hard time less difficult. My sincere apologies, sympathies, and condolences go to you, your partner, and his family.

All the best.

 

[G-Lexington]

Lex

 

[operafan]

You must have loved him very dearly. That was a great comfort to him. Now is the time to take care of you. He would have wanted you to go on and do the things you were meant to do.

 

[hotdog1846]

I hope the first night back in the house went OK. Let us know.

 

[jamie_01930]

i cn only tell you of what did. I slept with him evey day of enyday he was ther to recieve it.
i stayed with him 24/7 both at home and at the hospice unit, i am not sue how I did what i did given his schule but irt was what i would do againa dnagin if that was an option.
the bottom line is i wish never to loose another partner as long as i live

 

[1gayguy]

Jamie,
I don't know how I missed this the first time but allow me to offer my deepest condolences to you. There are no words to help heal the hurt, the loss and the sadness. Like learning to walk, take it all a step at a time.
I am truly sorry.

 

[jamie_01930]

i just can't stand it

 

[metta]

i just can't stand it

Hi Jamie,

I understand what you are going through and what you are feeling, to some extent. When you first posted this thread, I could not click to open it because I knew that it would bring back feelings that are just so unbelievably painful for me.

Today, I managed to open this thread but I see that I was too late. I'm very sorry about your loss. I truly am! I realize how devistating it is to lose the person that is closest to you: the person that you click with like no other. I would not ever wish for anyone to experience it.

And the depression and thoughts you are getting, I understand that as well. Everyone experiences grief differently. I wish that I could be one of those people that are able to just say goodbye, miss them, and move on. But I'm really horrible in dealing with grief.

Honestly, when it happened, I really did not think that I was going to survive the pain of my best friend dying: it was so intense. I thought I was going to be like those people who die a few months after their partner dies. But I'm still here. I don't think that there is any reason for that...but I am.

People kept telling me that the pain would go away over time. The truth is, the first two years were extremely painful. It has been a over 3 years and I still miss him and I have accepted that I will always miss him. But it is not as painful. I have tried to not focus on the loss because when I do, it just brings all those feelings back.

I would recommend focussing on bettering yourself, whether that involves eating healthier, working out, etc. I found doing cardio to be a good way to deal with anger of the loss. But you need to find what works for you. You know that he would have wanted you to take care of yourself. He would have wanted you to be happy. Life is short. There is a time to grieve. And yes, you need to do that. In the future, there will also be a time to also experience life and enjoy it while you can.


metta

 

[metta]

I miss you still...

I miss you still...



And I will light a candle for you.

To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.

The seasons come and go, and I'm weary from the change.
I keep on moving on, you know it's not the same.
And when I'm walking all alone
Do you hear me call your name?
Do your hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprise,
Always saw that something special deep within your eyes.
And through the good times and the bad,
We carried on with pride.
I hold onto the love and life we knew.

And I will light a candle for you.
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.


-Bissalama Avral

 

[metta]

P.S. please keep us posted, even if it is just to say hi. We want to make sure that you are not harming yourself and if we don't hear from you, you are going to worry us. It is difficult for me to come to this thread, but I'm going to keep coming in here to see how your are doing. Please be kind to yourself. Please give yourself time to deal with this.

metta

 

[Huskerboy]

We are so sorry to hear of your loss... Please know that you will be in our thoughts and prayers.

 

[metta]

Bump!

I knew that was going to happen. I couldn't focus enough to workout last night and I could not sleep last night.

I hope that you are being nice to yourself Jamie!


Please let us know how your are coping. You may want to also join a group that specializes in grieving.

Helping Yourself Through Grief

Grief is experienced whenever you lose something important to you. Grief is so powerful that people sometimes look for ways to go around it rather than experience it. This approach will not work. The best thing you can do for yourself is to work through grief and express your feelings. The following are specific ways to help yourself work through grief.

BASIC HEALTH CONCERNS - Grief is exhausting and it is important to continue your daily health routines.

Try to eat regular, nourishing meals. If it is too difficult to eat three regular meals, try 4 or 5 small ones. Have nourishing food available to nibble on rather than chips and candy.

Rest is important. Try to develop regular bedtime routines. If you are having a hard time getting to sleep, try a glass of warm milk or some soft easy listening music to sooth your thoughts.

Continue your exercise program and develop a manageable routine.

Meditation, perhaps in the form of prayer or yoga, can help you get the rest you need.

Make sure your family doctor knows what has happened so he or she can help monitor you health.

OUTSIDE SUPPORT - Grief does not have to be as isolating as it seems.

Look for a support group, lecture or seminar that pertains to your situation.

Continue attending church services and stay in contact with this "family," if that has been a source of support to you.

Let your friends and other family members know what your emotional or physical needs are. The more they know what to do to help you, the more available they will be.

FEELINGS

Read books or articles of the process of grief so you can identify what you are feeling and have some ideas on how to help yourself.

Allow your feelings to be expressed appropriately.

Crying is good. You feel lighter after you have had a good cry. Consider sharing your tears with other loved ones. We laugh together, why not cry together as well?

Find friends or family members to share your feelings with.

Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or tranquilizers. These will only mask the pain and could lead to problems.

Keeping a journal is a good way to identify feelings and also to see progress.

Holidays and anniversaries need special planning. They are impossible to ignore. Look for a workshop on dealing with the holidays and make plans with your family and friends.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

If you desire some alone time, take it as often as you need to.

Give yourself rewards along the way as something to look forward to.

Look for small ways to pamper yourself, such as bubble baths, a new cologne, soft pajamas, or a new hair cut.

A short trip can be a good break from grief, but be aware that upon your return, the pain of grief will be waiting for you. However, you will have had a rest and the knowledge that you can enjoy some things in life again.

Look for some new interests, perhaps a new hobby or resuming an old one.

Carry a special letter, poem, or quote with you to read when the going gets tough.

Try to enjoy the good days and don't feel guilty for doing so.

Reach out to help someone else.

Learn to have patience with yourself. Remember, grief takes time.

Know that you WILL get better and there WILL be a time when you can look forward to getting up in the morning and be glad you are alive.

HELP FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Good communication is necessary. People cannot read your mind. They may not know that this particular day is difficult or they may not know how to help you.

Talk about what is helpful to you and what is not helpful to you.

Be sensitive to the needs of your partner. Grief is different for each person.

By reviewing past losses together, you can understand how your partner may react to the recent one.

Avoid competition in who is hurting most. Each person will have difficult issues to cope with. Grief is hard for everybody.

Consult each other regarding birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. It is a mistake to hope the holiday will slip by unnoticed. Make plans and discuss them.

Try not to expect too much from your partner. People do not operate at 100 percent during the grieving period. The dishes may not get done or the yard may not be mown as regularly as before. Many chores can wait. Hire someone to help you catch up.

Read and educate yourself about the grief process. Go to the library and get an armload of books. Read ones in which you feel the author "is speaking to you" and return the others. Grief books do not need to be read cover to cover. Look for a book with a detailed table of contents that will enable you to select certain parts as you need them.

Consider the "gender" differences. Men and women grieve differently. Usually women are more comfortable expressing their emotions. Men often get busy, burying themselves at work or taking on projects at home.

Avoid pressuring your partner about decisions that can wait. Of course, some decisions cannot be postponed, and those you will have to deal with. However, many can be put off for a day or a week or even longer.

Take a short trip to "regroup." If a child has died, it is very important to reacquaint yourself with the new family structure. Getting away from the telephone and memories for a few days can help you do this.

Seek professional guidance, especially if you feel your loss is interfering with your marriage or relationships.