Dealing with aging

[pharmacytesol]

Hello everyone,

Aging is universal. With it, there is sadness, stress, and maybe regrets. How do you cope with it?

I am married to a husband who is 44 years older than me. I look at myself and ask, "When he is gone, will I be able to find someone in my 40's or 50's? I feel that I am missing out on youth and the sex. I miss the sexual intimacy. I wish I had not married him.

Now, I don't want to hurt him. We have spoken about my sadness and disappointment but have not come to a decision yet. He told me that I also have my own sexual issues too such as lack of sensitivity (below the belt).

I don't know what to do. I have no one else to turn to.

 

[TX-Beau]

Is he unable or unwilling?

Unfortunately, this is an issue with large age gaps. It's almost certain you'll end up alone. That doesn't have to be a bad thing though. It's certainly harder to hook up at 45 than it is at 25, but if you really wnt to make this work maybe you can find the sex elsewhere.

What's more troubling is the resentment you seem to feel. That will end up dooming your relationship, the question then becomes, do you want out?

 

[KaraBulut]

Your thread title is "Dealing with aging" but the body of your message is like several other threads on this forum about relationships where there's one person in the relationship whose sexual needs are different from the other person's.

As with any other relationship, the answer will come down to compromise: are you both willing to make adjustments to your relationship in order for it to survive?

 

[mcbrion]

Hello everyone,

Aging is universal. With it, there is sadness, stress, and maybe regrets. How do you cope with it?

I am married to a husband who is 44 years older than me. I look at myself and ask, "When he is gone, will I be able to find someone in my 40's or 50's? I feel that I am missing out on youth and the sex. I miss the sexual intimacy. I wish I had not married him.

Now, I don't want to hurt him. We have spoken about my sadness and disappointment but have not come to a decision yet. He told me that I also have my own sexual issues too such as lack of sensitivity (below the belt).

I don't know what to do. I have no one else to turn to.

When he says "lack of sensitivity" and you say "below the belt," what do you mean by this? Is he saying you're unresponsive to him emotionally or does he mean something else such as you're insensitive to his aging and some of the issues of sexuality that come with aging? (I.E., less frequency, less ardor). I'm not sure I get where things are going wrong. How old was he - and how old were you - when you married? He's always been 44 years older. What's changed?

 

[USEDCAR]

There are age gap youtube couples that talks about this topic. You should look up "Age Gap Gay Couples"

You guys need to sit down and have a talk and figure out things. Sadly if your not having sex you are going to end up looking elsewhere.

 

[pharmacytesol]

Is he unable or unwilling?

Unfortunately, this is an issue with large age gaps. It's almost certain you'll end up alone. That doesn't have to be a bad thing though. It's certainly harder to hook up at 45 than it is at 25, but if you really wnt to make this work maybe you can find the sex elsewhere.

What's more troubling is the resentment you seem to feel. That will end up dooming your relationship, the question then becomes, do you want out?

Thank you for answering my question. He is unable and has no desire. I thought about wanting out and divorce but where will I go? How will I support myself? I hate being in this situation.

 

[TX-Beau]

You'll support yourself like the rest of us do, work. He's so much older, you'll be in that position anyway.

he already knows you have a problem, you need to figure out what you want and discuss it with HIM.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thank you for answering my question. He is unable and has no desire. I thought about wanting out and divorce but where will I go? How will I support myself? I hate being in this situation.

Back up a minute...

There are plenty of couples who are together, in long-term relationships, who have found options to satisfy their sexual needs without blowing up the relationship.

The fact that you're going down this road- thinking about divorce hints that there are other issues in the relationship.

You'll support yourself like the rest of us do, work. He's so much older, you'll be in that position anyway.

^There's something in Tx-Beau's advice worth emphasizing: Regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or end it, you need to think about being more independent with your own income and your own interests. This is good advice for anyone in a long term relationship.

...he already knows you have a problem, you need to figure out what you want and discuss it with HIM.

Overdue, imho. But some additional advice: When you discuss it, don't go into the discussion by make it sound like he's the problem. Both of you have a part in the problem.

 

[pharmacytesol]

Back up a minute...

There are plenty of couples who are together, in long-term relationships, who have found options to satisfy their sexual needs without blowing up the relationship.

The fact that you're going down this road- thinking about divorce hints that there are other issues in the relationship.


^There's something in Tx-Beau's advice worth emphasizing: Regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or end it, you need to think about being more independent with your own income and your own interests. This is good advice for anyone in a long term relationship.


Overdue, imho. But some additional advice: When you discuss it, don't go into the discussion by make it sound like he's the problem. Both of you have a part in the problem.

Another thing is that I don't love him. He says he loves me but I don't feel the same way. It has been that way before we got married. We only got married just to help me get legal residency in order to study in a foreign university. So far, I did not get accepted. I appreciate his support and encouragement.

Marrying someone that I don't love was a mistake. Staying with him might have been a huge waste of my time. Since I don't love him, what is the point of staying?

 

[TX-Beau]

Another thing is that I don't love him. He says he loves me but I don't feel the same way. It has been that way before we got married. We only got married just to help me get legal residency in order to study in a foreign university. So far, I did not get accepted. I appreciate his support and encouragement.

Marrying someone that I don't love was a mistake. Staying with him might have been a huge waste of my time. Since I don't love him, what is the point of staying?

So you don't love him, and don't want a relationship with him, the legal issues will depend on where you are - does he know all of this?

 

[pharmacytesol]

So you don't love him, and don't want a relationship with him, the legal issues will depend on where you are - does he know all of this?

Well, I just told him. After many years of knowing each other, I am leaving a 44 years-age gap relationship.

Thank you for everyone's input.

 

[KaraBulut]

Another thing is that I don't love him. He says he loves me but I don't feel the same way. It has been that way before we got married. We only got married just to help me get legal residency in order to study in a foreign university. So far, I did not get accepted. I appreciate his support and encouragement.

Marrying someone that I don't love was a mistake. Staying with him might have been a huge waste of my time. Since I don't love him, what is the point of staying?

^There. That's what was missing from the story.

Well, I just told him. After many years of knowing each other, I am leaving a 44 years-age gap relationship.

Thank you for everyone's input.

If you would have said, "I love him but I need more", then this would have been salvageable...maybe.

Since this started without love, there was never going to be enough to keep it all together.

It's not going to be fun for either of you but it was inevitable.... and frankly, overdue.

You're starting over. Keep letting us know how you're doing.