Dealing with an open relationship

[DanikShade]

Hey guys, I'm interested in hearing from you on this. A couple of months ago this young man I've been fwb with for several months and I started getting very close emotionally. He's occasionally bi (I know that sounds strange) and has an itch he needs to scratch and this has never been a problem. I've gotten together with other guys from time to time but not as often as I do Adrian. We really became good friends, sort of falling back on each other.

Then on the 1st of November he called and asked me to come get him for a drive. He was obviously upset and we talked for sometime and sort of out of the blue he asked if I could handle being in an open relationship. I really don't have a good track record with relationships, I told him that, and he kissed me. Its sort of out of character because he doesn't really like public affection. He told me I was what was holding him together, that he thought of me as his rock that he always knew was there for him. He got very emotional and that got me pretty emotional. He told me he loved me and needed to know if I could maybe love him too.

That was six weeks ago. We've been pretty inseparable since that night. I've never actually fallen in love, I thought it was a myth. I was wrong. I am head over heals drop dead gone in love with him, and I'd give him anything I had to give if it made him happy.

Then the shoe dropped. He's always been open about seeing a woman now and then. It wasn't a secret, and I promised to be understanding. He has the right to have both sides of his nature. What I didn't expect was the pain I got from him having a night with her. I've never been the jealous type before, but it kicked the hell out of me. I felt like I was being ripped open. I didn't know what to do. If I tell him I don't want to do that then I'm a hypocrite. If I just let it happen then I get this crushing sense of loss every time. How can I give him the freedom he needs and not feel like dirt? I gave my word that I accepted him exactly as he is and I am so jealous of his time and attention I'm ashamed of myself. God its so hard. Any helpful ideas? I keep thinking if you love someone set them free, if they come back their yours. He comes back every time, I know he loves me. He's very affectionate. Why am I such a bastard?

Thanks all.

 

[Seasoned]

It's not in everyone's nature to share. It is possible to change your attitude, but it can obviously be difficult. I'm not suited to be in an open relationship, but if I were, given my personality, it would work better for me if I was also getting something on the side.

 

[bruce379]

Hey guys, I'm interested in hearing from you on this. A couple of months ago this young man I've been fwb with for several months and I started getting very close emotionally. He's occasionally bi (I know that sounds strange) and has an itch he needs to scratch and this has never been a problem. I've gotten together with other guys from time to time but not as often as I do Adrian. We really became good friends, sort of falling back on each other.

Then on the 1st of November he called and asked me to come get him for a drive. He was obviously upset and we talked for sometime and sort of out of the blue he asked if I could handle being in an open relationship. I really don't have a good track record with relationships, I told him that, and he kissed me. Its sort of out of character because he doesn't really like public affection. He told me I was what was holding him together, that he thought of me as his rock that he always knew was there for him. He got very emotional and that got me pretty emotional. He told me he loved me and needed to know if I could maybe love him too.

That was six weeks ago. We've been pretty inseparable since that night. I've never actually fallen in love, I thought it was a myth. I was wrong. I am head over heals drop dead gone in love with him, and I'd give him anything I had to give if it made him happy.

Then the shoe dropped. He's always been open about seeing a woman now and then. It wasn't a secret, and I promised to be understanding. He has the right to have both sides of his nature. What I didn't expect was the pain I got from him having a night with her. I've never been the jealous type before, but it kicked the hell out of me. I felt like I was being ripped open. I didn't know what to do. If I tell him I don't want to do that then I'm a hypocrite. If I just let it happen then I get this crushing sense of loss every time. How can I give him the freedom he needs and not feel like dirt? I gave my word that I accepted him exactly as he is and I am so jealous of his time and attention I'm ashamed of myself. God its so hard. Any helpful ideas? I keep thinking if you love someone set them free, if they come back their yours. He comes back every time, I know he loves me. He's very affectionate. Why am I such a bastard?

Thanks all.

You have a head-over-heels crush on him right now and what you're feeling is predictable. You say he's bi. Let him get his rocks off on girls once in a while if that's what he's into right now. It'll pass and he'll be looking for dick - yours - in the long term.

He's gonna look at girls for sex. That's it. It's probably not love, unless he's a teenager. And even then, chances are good that his preference as time goes on will be for guys. You need to tolerate it and give him some leeway, that's what open relationships are. If what you described about him is true, then you have nothing to fear. He will always gravitate towards you. One way to turn the tables so to speak is to invite the girl to your place and let him fuck her there and let her sleep with him there. It clearly gives her the impression and the psychological fence that you are in control and that she is the outsider. It also tells your bf without speaking a word about it to him, that you trust him enough for him to engage in his extracurricular activities under your house. You have controlled the situation without lifting a finger. If your bf is after her or any random girl just for the fuck, then a problem does not exist.

You can tell your bf he can sleep with girls but they have to leave after breakfast. And tell your bf to limit it to one night a week. Communicate your boundaries. Talk with him.

"Madamme! Control yourself!" - Pepe Le Peu

 

[tangential]

I just want to echo: Communicate your boundaries. Talk with him. Make one another the priority by you both being honest about your feelings, desires, and insecurities. It's amazing to me, how once everything's out there, it's much easier to enjoy the fact your loved one is getting his socks blown off. Just be careful not to be one to do *all* the compromising.

 

[aaggii]

Tell him exactly what you said here, how you are not comfortable with the situation but can´t tell him to stop being himself. If you both worth each other, you´ll find a solution together, which is much better than what anyone else could tell you to do.

 

[HunterM]

Maybe you need to find a fuck buddy on the side. Otherwise, you will always feel like you're being left out of the fun?

 

[DanikShade]

Maybe you need to find a fuck buddy on the side. Otherwise, you will always feel like you're being left out of the fun?

Not surprisingly that was suggested, but I'm just not interested. I might be in the future I guess but right now I have what I need. We did have a long conversation today, and I was happy that he understood how I felt. I won't stand in his way of having fun, and I won't over react and act like a child, but he understands that it hurts a bit when he feels the need to be with someone else. All I can do is be who I am and love him. The rest is up to him.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

You're being a doormat. No offense.
Love isn't somewhere where you let the other person do whatever he wants. That's infatuation and unhealthy attachment.

You can't love anyone else before you love yourself. And if you love yourself you aren't going to subject yourself to such a situation to get hurt over and over again.

Maybe you thought you could have an open relationship. Maybe you thought you could handle it. Surprise! You can't. That's just the way things are currently. Maybe they will change, maybe they won't but those are the facts for now.

You have 2 options.
Option 1: Continue with things now and subject yourself to further heartache. There's a small chance things will get better but historically a greater chance they'll get worse. You say he loves you? Well if he loved you he wouldn't want to see your heart torn to shreds.

Option 2:
Modify your "relationship". Maybe go back to fwb or friends or neither until one of you is ready to cross the huge gulf between you. You're not acting like a child. You're acting like a human being.

Sorry for being harsh. Best of luck.

 

[bruce379]

You're being a doormat. No offense.
Love isn't somewhere where you let the other person do whatever he wants. That's infatuation and unhealthy attachment.

You can't love anyone else before you love yourself. And if you love yourself you aren't going to subject yourself to such a situation to get hurt over and over again.

Maybe you thought you could have an open relationship. Maybe you thought you could handle it. Surprise! You can't. That's just the way things are currently. Maybe they will change, maybe they won't but those are the facts for now.

You have 2 options.
Option 1: Continue with things now and subject yourself to further heartache. There's a small chance things will get better but historically a greater chance they'll get worse. You say he loves you? Well if he loved you he wouldn't want to see your heart torn to shreds.

Option 2:
Modify your "relationship". Maybe go back to fwb or friends or neither until one of you is ready to cross the huge gulf between you. You're not acting like a child. You're acting like a human being.

Sorry for being harsh. Best of luck.

I don't think that's the case here. I understand some people are uncomfortable with the thought of an open relationship but I've seen it work and see it work for couples whose gay relationships end up much longer than straight relationships, believe it or not.

With DanikShade's situation, his fwb is bi. I will take it at face value. Are they officially boyfriends? I don't know. DanickShade and his fwb has to declare that for themselves. But according to what he stated originally at the beginning of this thread, I'm assuming it's close to that. It would be in their interest and his peace of mind if they do declare themselves official. That means, even if they fuck other people on the side, other people would just be an extracurricular activity.

DanickShade feels jealous because he doesn't have much control of the situation as he might like. I stand by my solution I presented previously, look it up.

If his bf wants to play with a girl, let them play at his house under his nose. Of course, his bf needs to agree to some limits. Typically and most commonly, you can never play with the same person twice; unless both of you can bang her at the same time - then yes.

I wouldn't lose too much sleep on this. His fwb will always crave cock, more and more as time goes on. What he needs is to deepen their relationship by being more emotionally involved with each other. Go on a cruise with each other. Go on a vacation together that both of you would enjoy.

Good luck!

 

[Taralen]

Only do it if you want to do it.

And if you understand what it actually is. Because there are different types.

There are only two types of people and it's usually fifty/fifty gay or straight.

People who only believe in monogamous relationships, or people who don't.

If you are afraid of the bullshit I would just tell him no.

 

[ashmylove]

I know how you feel. You may check my only thread to see what's going on with me.

At the beginning I was also thinking if you love someone set them free, but now I am thinking no I love him I won't move on. He also "comes back", if it was just for sex, that would be easy, which means he doesn't love me, but most time what we do has nothing to do with sex. When I have troubles, he is always there, sometimes he is like my family. I don't know if he loves me, and I can't tell him I love him.

Thinking about him and his boyfriend is so painful, so now I always think if he was my boyfriend, will I love him so much that I will allow him to date someone else?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Here's the thing, IMO...

Everyone is attracted to other people... even when you're in a relationship.

It doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, bi... and once you've entered a committed relationship it should generally mean you have made the conscious decision to not act on those other desire.

Him being bi is irrelevant. He still needs to put on his big boy pants, grow up, make a decision and act like an adult.

Does he tell these women he's in an open bi/gay relationship before He sleeps with them, or does he just lead them on to get what He wants too?

I think you deserve better.

 

[hanzosword]

It sounds to me like the two of you want different things. You're not a bad person because your feelings changed and now you want to be with only him. I think you should break it off with him if you can't be happy with him being with women too. This open relationship is painful for you and it shouldn't be that way. You can't really ask him to change so you'll be better off with somebody who wants monogamy.

 

[QueenxElsa]

I couldn't do Open Relationships, if am with someone he's mine!

 

[TX-Beau]

Not surprisingly that was suggested, but I'm just not interested. I might be in the future I guess but right now I have what I need. We did have a long conversation today, and I was happy that he understood how I felt. I won't stand in his way of having fun, and I won't over react and act like a child, but he understands that it hurts a bit when he feels the need to be with someone else. All I can do is be who I am and love him. The rest is up to him.

OK Number 1. You aren't in an open relationship. You are in a monogamous relationship with a guy in an open relationship, you've decided to take the "pain" because you love him so, and isn't that so very Juliet, and he just has to be free, and he's a stallion who can't be tamed, and you knew what you were getting into, and it's tragedy, and all kinds of Hollywood chick movie crap.

Anytime you are hurting yourself to appease your partner there is a problem. It's not romance, it's dysfunction. Anyway aren't Bi guys always telling us gay guys that that "it's his nature" argument is bogus, and that they CAN commit to gay men without uncontrollable urges to go chase twat?

As Borg said, his orientation is irrelevant, his maturity level is. If he can't commit, he shouldn't represent himself to you as being able to, even indirectly, and if he does, then he needs to keep his promises. You need to get out of ANY relationship what you put into it. If you're not, there is a problem. What you should never do is take the hurt because he somehow needs to hurt you.

2. No, you don't seem to be the kind of guy who can do the open relationship. The gay world is littered with the corpses of "open relationships" because the guys who got into them got into them for reasons like yours.

3. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for feeling like shit because you tell him what you want out of a relationship. You are BOTH in it TOGETHER and BOTH of you matter.

4. I also want to know if he's honest with these women that he's dating you - a GUY; does he tell them that he has a boyfriend, or does he lie about it?

 

[altlover85]

I think you opened the relationship up too quickly. Make sure you aren't opening it up just for him or you more than likely will get hurt.

Good luck and keep us posted!