Dealing with boyfriend's sexual history

[hgic00]

There's something that bugs me quite a bit, and I know I'm being unfair, but I am just having a hard time with it and want some advice or similar stories.

For background, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We've got lots in common and I really like him a lot. He brings me lots of joy, and I want to continue dating him to see where things can go. But there's just one thing...

I have been with only one other guy before him (it was a relationship). My boyfriend has told me that he has been with many guys before, though he was never in a relationship. At first it didn't bother me, but it seems that the closer and closer we get and fall in love, the more it bothers me.

I know he used to hook up all the time, and he used to have some regular fuck buddies. I have this burning curiosity about his past that eats me inside, and over the course of our relationship, bits and pieces have come out, and I know he has been with dozens of guys. I've even point blank asked him how many, and he got upset and wouldn't tell me (I know now how stupid it was to ask and am glad he didn't tell me). Since he has "settled" with me, his past really, really bothers him now and he is very ashamed. But from all the bits and pieces, it sounds like he's seen it all.

I guess these are the things that go through my head:
1) I wonder how I compare sometimes... if I'm as good looking or hot as the others or how I perform since he has been with so many
2) I wonder if he can truly get over the feelings of wanting to hook up with new guys (though I know he's faithful) and wanting a new body to fuck and having curiosity of what else is out there.. I guess whether he can truly switch from hooking up with dozens of random guys to just being with one guy in the long term
3) I sometimes imagine him exchanging e-mails and driving to a hook up and meeting some stranger... and imagine all the things they did... and that's really hard for me as those images go through my mind
4) I guess at some level I'm jealous... both of him, for having experienced all that (though I never would do that), and of the guys he was with, since I love my boyfriend and can't imagine them having used his body for empty sex

I really wish I could get this off my mind and just enjoy what we have, since it's great. Similar stories and support from others would really be appreciated.

 

[Just_Believe18]

There's a contrast of experiences between the two of you that separates you as individuals. This is similar to an age gap in relationships that can cause rifts.

The deeper issue here is your own curiosity to experiencing what he has. The "crazy" stories of hot sex are all things you fantasize about deep, down inside. As a result, you feel resentful towards his sexual exploits and the lack of your own.

This is not something that is going to go away. An ideal partner, or someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, is greatly helped if you are on the same page with each other. Too often, are age difference or experience different relationships challenged by the contrast of two partners.

How do you perceive this relationship as it stands for six months? Are you in a relationship just to have a boyfriend, or are you in it with the prospect of finding "the one?" Your expectations in this particular case should just be to enjoy the time you have with him. With both of you new to relationships, expect the end result to be a "trial and error" process of finding someone who truly makes you happy.

He will not be the one you grow old with. However, he's very experienced and you'll have a fun, puppy love while it lasts. You'll learn from this time together, and ultimately, he'll become more experienced with other serious relationships, while you compensate for the lack of sexual exploits in your own life.

 

[medic1]

All you have to do is stop and think who has he choosen to be with now.
I can really see what you mean dwelling on things ,try not to overanaylyse the
man has choosing you .
If it gets really hard for you try and explain your feelings and fears to him that may help,good luck fella wishing you the best.

 

[Lube]

Very good advice from the 2 guys above.

Maybe you need more experience yourself. Are you mad at your bf or mad t yourself for not availing yourself of the experiences he's had? Having many sexual experiences is not a bad thing.

You also have to realize you only hear about the really great (and maybe even the really bad!) times. No ones gonna tell you about all the dull sexual encounters they've had.

One more thing: everyone is better than you in some way. Some of his sex partners were taller, some more muscular, some thinner, some with longer cocks, some with thicker cocks, some with better bubble butts, some who were funnier, etc. But each of them also has negatives--some couldn't commit like you, some had smaller cocks, etc.

He's picked you because you have the best amalgamation of qualities. And that's what makes you unique.

 

[KaraBulut]

Bottom line: everyone has a past. The past that people bring into a relationship is something that you just have to get over because it can't be changed. If you can't get over it, there's not much future in the relationship.

But this isn't about his past. It's about your insecurity.

You have the right to ask if he's made a commitment to you and if monogamy is something that is important to you, you have the right to talk with him about making a commitment to a monogamous relationship. That will set aside some of your insecurity about the issue of whether he's continuing to play around on the side or whether he's going to cheat on you. But ultimately, it comes down to trust and how much you really trust him.

But the rest of these things are your issues....your insecurities. And that's something that you will have to work on. You can be honest with him about what you're feeling but there's little that he can do or say that will take about your insecurity about yourself and about the relationship. It's up to you to work throught that- on your own or with a therapist.

 

[Seasoned]

What you are experiencing is something common to relationships. Typically, partners share their pasts and jealousies arise. When I learned of my partner's past I had thoughts and feelings similar to yours. I missed out on a lot of "fun," and I had thoughts of inadequacies.

Over time and with his reassurance I understood that had I not been a satisfying sexual partner he wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with me. Like you, I hadn't done a lot of hooking up as I was married. I came to find out that while I was jealous of his many hook ups he was jealous that I had a previous intimate relationship. Go figure.

Hopefully, he brings a lot of spice to your sex life and you bring the nurturing intimacy aspects that helps form a bond. I think it's a great combination and it's worked for us these 27 years. Hell, I have "used" his old stories at times when we've been apart.

Without our past we wouldn't be who we are today. Hang in there with him and have some fun.

 

[HornyHenry]

My other half and I have similar pasts. He's a decade older than me and claims to have been into relationships with few one night stands and often mentions his three or four past lovers while I myself have had three excuses for lovers and fucked about a hundred bottoms and versatiles (most in both ends and many more than once or twice) before we took up three decades ago, went monogamous and I quit tomcatting around. Of course I have no idea if he cheated on me while I was at work, etc. bit I've always had my suspicions. I had only two secret jackoff buddies a couple of decades ago.

 

[backpacker]

Just keep in mind that he picked YOU. You should take it as a compliment that you have something that those dozens of other guys didn't. Your hang up is really not his past, but rather your own insecurities. You should talk to him about everything you wrote here. If you can't get past it, you could always try counseling.

 

[andyspete]

There's something that bugs me quite a bit, and I know I'm being unfair, but I am just having a hard time with it and want some advice or similar stories.

For background, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We've got lots in common and I really like him a lot. He brings me lots of joy, and I want to continue dating him to see where things can go. But there's just one thing...

I have been with only one other guy before him (it was a relationship). My boyfriend has told me that he has been with many guys before, though he was never in a relationship. At first it didn't bother me, but it seems that the closer and closer we get and fall in love, the more it bothers me.

I know he used to hook up all the time, and he used to have some regular fuck buddies. I have this burning curiosity about his past that eats me inside, and over the course of our relationship, bits and pieces have come out, and I know he has been with dozens of guys. I've even point blank asked him how many, and he got upset and wouldn't tell me (I know now how stupid it was to ask and am glad he didn't tell me). Since he has "settled" with me, his past really, really bothers him now and he is very ashamed. But from all the bits and pieces, it sounds like he's seen it all.

I guess these are the things that go through my head:
1) I wonder how I compare sometimes... if I'm as good looking or hot as the others or how I perform since he has been with so many
2) I wonder if he can truly get over the feelings of wanting to hook up with new guys (though I know he's faithful) and wanting a new body to fuck and having curiosity of what else is out there.. I guess whether he can truly switch from hooking up with dozens of random guys to just being with one guy in the long term
3) I sometimes imagine him exchanging e-mails and driving to a hook up and meeting some stranger... and imagine all the things they did... and that's really hard for me as those images go through my mind
4) I guess at some level I'm jealous... both of him, for having experienced all that (though I never would do that), and of the guys he was with, since I love my boyfriend and can't imagine them having used his body for empty sex
I really wish I could get this off my mind and just enjoy what we have, since it's great. Similar stories and support from others would really be appreciated.

I've never thought of it from that perspective. When I read your comment about guys using your boyfriend's body for empty sex, it really touched me.

I have a past similar to your boyfriend's. I've been with many guys but it's all been empty sex. At best, during my escapades, I would imagine that I was involved in a loving relationship with some of the guys but that never was the case. So while my physical body is far from being a virgin, my heart still beats the beat of a virgin. It's the one thing I've never given to anyone.

Oh, how I long for and yearn with every fiber of my being to find someone with whom I could share my heart, but alas, it eludes me. If your bf is like me, he'd give up all the empty sex in a heartbeat to have the real thing. If you guys truly love each other, trust me, there's no sexual encounter that can hold a candle to true love. Holding someone's heart trumps holding someone's cock every time.

 

[midnightromeo13]

This really opened my mind up. I have a past very much like your boyfriends. I am about to start a relationship with a guy who is a virgin. He knows about my past, and has mentioned it worrying him. I regret my past for this very reason. I always hear, don't regret your past, learn from it. I have learned, I learned that not a lot of decent guys want to be in a committed relationship with a guy with a past like mine.
I say you just try and forget your boyfriends past. I know that will be hard, but if he regrets it, he already feels bad about it. So you worrying about it too, will make him feel worse. Good luck to both of u.