Dealing with his ex's...

[lovelost]

Well, seven months down the line, myself and my boyfriend are still together. (Thanks for all the advice those months ago!)

Thing is...

I thought I had gotten over the fact that he's still friends with his ex's and so on. I've met a lot of them and they're nice guys. Then of course last night it all comes flooding back and I'm unable to sleep.

He's having a birthday BBQ on Sunday and inviting loads of his friends round, some of which include his ex's. I'm anxious, nervous and so on.

I've always believed in sex meaning something, being special. He has been completely honest and has told me that he did think that at the time those relationships were going to last and it was special. But they didn't last.

I'm just going round in circles mentally and emotionally. How do I just reconcile the fact that he shared something so intimate and special with these other men? How do I just calm my mind when I think they're all thinking back on that?

He's reassured me and that I have his heart now and he loves me and I have nothing to worry about. I trust his feelings completely. I just... I'm just struggling.

Any advice or opinions or help would be great. I refuse to let anything come between us but I don't want this to eat me up inside and at the moment, it really is.

(On a complete sidenote, he's inviting A LOT of people, all of whom he says are his friends. I can only think of about less than a quarter of people I would invite... I think I have an issue on the lack of friends I have... I have true, great ones, ut still...)

I really don't need this now as I have exams, assignments and the rest. I'm just unsure as what to do or how to move forward. I thought I had. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. We've even spoekn about moving in and we've been looking at rings for us as well...

Help?

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Lovelost,

Well mate the proofs in the pudding.

Your guy has made a choice. He chose someone loving, some one caring, someone with compassion, a sense of humor, the capacity to laugh and cry, the ability to feel both empathy and passion. He chose someone he could trust respect and who completed him and made him feel safe.

He chose you.

And hes proud of that fact.

Thats why he invited his ex's around... because he is so proud and devoted to you that he wants others to see it... particularly those that know how important and special he is too.

He wants them to know that you mean the world to him... and that they couldn't make him feel the way you do now.

So dont feel insecure. You dont have any reason too at all mate.

Its your night to feel proud. To hold your head up and say to yourself...and the world - "yes hes mine, he chose me...and we are happy together. I'm an incredibly lucky guy"

And so's he.

 

[seanystarr]

who doesnt have a history?

 

[G-Lexington]

So far, it looks like he's been both really honest about things. And he doesn't appear to have done anything to give you reason to doubt him. If he kept wanting to meet up with his exes in far off towns, without you, then yeah - that might give you pause. But inviting them over for a BBQ, with you present, shouldn't be cause for much concern.

My current b/f has had a much wider sexual history than mine, and he's still in touch with several of his former bedmates. I've met them, they're cool guys, and I can understand why he wants to keep them in his life. Their sexual history is over and done with.

Also, like your b/f, he had a TON of friends. At his last birthday party before he moved out here, he had more than 200 people show up. If I went through my entire history, I might be able to list 200 people I at one point considered "friends", but certainly not all at once! But don't fret - I've found it's quality, not quantity. After he moved, he had trouble finding any of them that he could lean on in times of trouble. Whereas even though I only had a handful of friends, they all come through in a pinch.

You're going to have to sort of accept that his sexual past as a given. Just because sex is something extremely personal and special to you, doesn't mean it was for him (back then, I hasten to add). And even if it was, back then, he couldn't have looked into the future and seen you on the horizon. I'm sure to him, at the time, it seemed right. What you've done now, it would appear, is shown him what it's REALLY like. You've taken it to a whole 'nother level. You might say he slept with those other guys, but he makes love to you.

Put on your best game face on Sunday, and be confident in knowing you snagged him.

Lex

 

[Riverrick]

This is a part of growing in a relationship, dealing with the Ex'es. So look at it as a rite of passage that you need to experience.

Because while its true he was intimate with them, it no longer matters. Once you get through that day you'll realize this. Good luck!

 

[luminum]

The answer's right there. He thought he loved them, so the sex meant something important to him. He loves you and he choses to share this intimate act with you only, now. I don't think you should be struggling or upset about anything here.

Would you be upset that he told you that he thought he loved these other guys back when they were together? Because those are kind of the same.

 

[xterranx]

You guys give such wonderful answers. I would've said he was rounding them all up for you so you could KILL THEM ALL.

Just kidding.

 

[lovelost]

Thanks for everyone for the support and advice!

It's been one of those weeks where work has prevented us from seeing each other that other but I caught him last night for an hour or two and we had a quick chat about it all. (I often seem to be able to able to talk to him about anything even if afterwards I have a "crap, why did I SAY THAT!" moment afterward.)

He was really supportive and didn't make me feel like I was being stupid about the entire scenario and was actually concerned that I have a good time even if it's HIS birthday BBQ. (I've found a keeper here!)

I'll see how this weekend pans out. I'm still struggling a little bit but it's getting easier. I made a vow to myself to refuse to let anything get in the way of our relationship... I'll be sure to update you next week.

Thanks again, guys!

 

[racer2438]

seems to be some insecurity here, on your part. It will eat you up if you let it

 

[Ninja108]

I think you've found a keeper and if he doesn't give you any reason to question his motives, don't worry. I still keep in touch with my ex, as several of my friends do with theirs. Until he gives you a reason to quesiton him, don't be insecure or it will eat you up. Just enjoy the fact you have a keeper.

 

[lovelost]

Feel free to skim through this... *blush*

It's been ages now so I thought I'd reply. A lot has happened... So this is part depressive rant and part angry contemplation.

I survived the weekend. I had to leave the room at one point when I realised he had slept with everyone in the room, bar one guy. Just needed a time out and a cry really to get it out of my system.

We were getting along really well. The last few weeks have been hard though. It seems we're going through the next stage of a relationship where the rose-tinted glasses come off and you realise that this is real life. He said he's been having doubts. Which has caused me to have some too. We both want to make the relationship work though and so we are working through it together.

Trouble is, a lot of my issues have come up and I'm fighting a lot of things on a personal level. This is the rant bit...

At the moment I have no self-esteem, no confidence, nothing. I believe I am young, foolish, naive, pathetic and pretty much an imbecile.

The fact that I have very little money, am taking forever in my part time studies (both university and college - one for visa purposes in Europe, one for myself) and am going through this is not helping.

Everyone around me and also those at my age are doing so well for themselves and getting somewhere in life whereas I...

I cant get over my past and I'm trying my best. I've tried keeping it at bay and sorting it and I've tried bringing it all back and sorting it. It hurts and neither have worked. I'm scared about losing my boyfriend and then him moving on and I'll become a speck in his history.

I can't get my head around sex and how some men can just fuck. I'm trying to. But I can't. I've started watching a lot of porn to try and figure it out, to try and train myself to just be able to, mentally, but to no avail. There is always emotion attached for me. My boyfriend tried to explain that sex meant something to him with his ex's (now his friends) but now they are just friends and that it was in the past. I don't know how easy it can be to just get over sharing something so intimate and special with someone and then just seemingly go backwards and forget about it. ("It was just sex. We're just friends now.")

For the record, the porn has now escalated to me viewing it whenever I seem to have time and I often watch it when I'm depressed and ironically it makes me feel worse and... It's become a sense of self-torture.

I don't know what to do. I'm not qualified to get a better job. I don't seem to be good at anything to join a social group likes sports or choir or anything like that. Some of my colleagues consistantly "humourously" insult me. My boyfriend said I need to think about me, but how, I'm poor, can't afford much, can't just go out and meet people... I'm lost.

I'm scared about losing him and going into bad old patterns about running away and sabotaging what we have. I'm doubting me, myself, my self, my ability to make friends, my abilities in general... I seem to believe in things that make me strange, weak, vulnerable and not fit in with anyone else in this world. And that fact hurts, but the fact that I have to change and give up all my beliefs up to follow everyone else hurts to.

I just want to scream.

 

[j0rdan]

Feel free to skim through this... *blush*

It's been ages now so I thought I'd reply. A lot has happened... So this is part depressive rant and part angry contemplation.

I survived the weekend. I had to leave the room at one point when I realised he had slept with everyone in the room, bar one guy. Just needed a time out and a cry really to get it out of my system.

We were getting along really well. The last few weeks have been hard though. It seems we're going through the next stage of a relationship where the rose-tinted glasses come off and you realise that this is real life. He said he's been having doubts. Which has caused me to have some too. We both want to make the relationship work though and so we are working through it together.

Trouble is, a lot of my issues have come up and I'm fighting a lot of things on a personal level. This is the rant bit...

At the moment I have no self-esteem, no confidence, nothing. I believe I am young, foolish, naive, pathetic and pretty much an imbecile.

The fact that I have very little money, am taking forever in my part time studies (both university and college - one for visa purposes in Europe, one for myself) and am going through this is not helping.

Everyone around me and also those at my age are doing so well for themselves and getting somewhere in life whereas I...

I cant get over my past and I'm trying my best. I've tried keeping it at bay and sorting it and I've tried bringing it all back and sorting it. It hurts and neither have worked. I'm scared about losing my boyfriend and then him moving on and I'll become a speck in his history.

I can't get my head around sex and how some men can just fuck. I'm trying to. But I can't. I've started watching a lot of porn to try and figure it out, to try and train myself to just be able to, mentally, but to no avail. There is always emotion attached for me. My boyfriend tried to explain that sex meant something to him with his ex's (now his friends) but now they are just friends and that it was in the past. I don't know how easy it can be to just get over sharing something so intimate and special with someone and then just seemingly go backwards and forget about it. ("It was just sex. We're just friends now.")

For the record, the porn has now escalated to me viewing it whenever I seem to have time and I often watch it when I'm depressed and ironically it makes me feel worse and... It's become a sense of self-torture.

I don't know what to do. I'm not qualified to get a better job. I don't seem to be good at anything to join a social group likes sports or choir or anything like that. Some of my colleagues consistantly "humourously" insult me. My boyfriend said I need to think about me, but how, I'm poor, can't afford much, can't just go out and meet people... I'm lost.

I'm scared about losing him and going into bad old patterns about running away and sabotaging what we have. I'm doubting me, myself, my self, my ability to make friends, my abilities in general... I seem to believe in things that make me strange, weak, vulnerable and not fit in with anyone else in this world. And that fact hurts, but the fact that I have to change and give up all my beliefs up to follow everyone else hurts to.

I just want to scream.

lovelost,

Nothing Good ever comes easily.

Stop worrying about tomorrow and enjoy what you have today.

If he leaves because things are tough (right now) - that's good; because 'You Need' someone to 'rely on' when things get tougher.

You don't need money to meet people at parks (if there's such a thing where you live); nor do you need money to 'oh, lets say do a good deed for a stranger'.

Life has the strangest tendancy to intertwine things if we let it, and perhaps most importantly - 'live it'.

You're tired of sitting back idly as life passes you by - so don't.


I know it's been said that it's easier said than done. But here's the punch line - nothing tried, nothing gained.

What do you have to lose at this point? Dignity, Self Hope, Aspirations? - They sound like they're all down the drain.

Again, nothing tried - nothing lost.

You have nothing to loose by trying - but *All* the world to gain

 

[lovelost]

Thanks J0rdan.

There's a hint of irony in this to a degree. I am starting to feel a bit stronger in many ways. Including outside the relationship. And something that has come to light is how emotionally drained I am. I am going to get out of the city to a friend for a couple of days to try recharge my batteries and have a think about things.

The hardest thing is the knowing. The knowing that the man I love so much has gone from wanting to buy a pair of matching rings for us to having uncertainty and doubts. The knowing that he doesn't really know what is in store for us. Or the fact that he loves me less and has said so and that I feel more for him than he does for me. He wants to stay in the relationship and see what happens. But it's difficult. Really is.

After all, I still love him and want to stay even though if it doesn't work out, he'll have a far easier time than I will. He does love me. Which, at the base of it all, is enough. Surely...