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Dealing with "sex phobia"

Okay guys, I think I reached my actual problem.
Rightnow I think that most of those fears are just placeholders, and built up because of the actual problem.

My question is:
Do people usually have to overcome an inhibition right before the very first sex? I mean, the seconds right before it gets to it?

Your answers could verify that I found my actual problem, but I don't want to spoil it yet, will tell later.
 
When I first started doing the rounds of the bars I was advised to consume a couple of my favourite drinks immediately on arrival at the first bar....then stop drinking....and let the mellow atmosphere sink in... encouraging my shyness to evaporate, enabling me to speak with people...the advice worked wonders...

I never mix alcohol, and sex...coffee is a stimulant much appreciated by me...
 
Alright, I am just returning from therapy, and it's true: After lots of years, I found the underlying fear. I'm 99.9% sure.
It's too private to share, but it's not a big drama. It's a specific block that kept me from overcoming.

Ever since I discovered and understood the one underlying fear, I feel more confident in general. I feel awesome. I began to look at guys in a different way even, like some block is gone. I can't stop smiling.

I can solve the issue, a big part of the block is already solved, and I am quite sure I can overcome it in the end and have sex soon.

I will keep you updated.
 
That's great news. It seems the therapy helped you understand and you have found a confidence in yourself that has been hidden all this time. I look forward to your progress and updates. What a positive step forward, congratulations.

Craiger
 
Just a small update and a question...

while the most central key to my fears was found, and I understood the main reason why I was scared to have sex, the whole topic kinda fell into the background. I mean, I don't think about it anymore as much as I used to, which also resulted in not searching for a date that actively anymore. Also, there are still a few insecurities left.

In therapy, I have now also talked about a totally different, but just as important, non-gay and non-sex related topic, so I didn't have much time recently to talk about sex anymore, and I also don't want to bother my friends too much with it either.. but I still would like to have someone to talk to more frequently... so I'm quite insecure about how to proceed.

I could go have a date or get to know someone "naturally", but - for example - I might do or say something embarrassing or offensive, just because I'm not experienced. I'm still scared to get rejected. And other way round - I'm lacking orientation when it comes to rejecting someone else myself. I don't know where fairness ends and rudeness begins. Of course I don't wanna get hurt, but even more so, I don't want to hurt someone else.

Besides my core issue, this "rejection" (both ways) complex is still rather big, but I guess it's like that for many other virgins.
Is "learning by doing" the only way to get it sorted out (if it can be sorted out at all), or do you think I should talk about it to someone before, in order to know how best to avoid dramas?
 
So, some more updates:

I am working on the problem more heavily again these days. One big hurdle for me is the thought of taking someone home, or going home with someone. I have dozens of questions regarding that, which I don't want to bother my friends with, but I don't want to post a thread for each, either. I'd really need someone to go through everything, but not sure how to find someone who's patient and willing enough for it.

In the meantime, I've had some good success in the gym, lost 5 kilos now, muscles growing, self confidence regarding my body improving. Still, as soon as I'm with other people (as on yesterday's birthday party that I attended) I quickly feel inferior due to the fact I'm virgin, and everyone on the party was hotter and had more life experience. Had a hard time to connect with anyone.

I'm using 4 dating apps now; grindr, tinder, hornet and planetromeo (big in Germany). I got to chat with 2 or 3 guys, but overall it doesn't seem like I could be successful there. I think I am ready to go for a date, but so far there hasn't been mutual interest. Age is a big issue, as I'm falling through the age filter for 90% of the guys I'm interested in. But I don't give up yet, I make use of the delay to become hotter and to further mentally work on my fears and reservations.

I guess I might send out the wrong signals to people though, but not sure how to change that just by myself. It feels like someone else has to help me with that, but again: vicious circle. :)

At least I don't hide at home anymore, which I would have done 2-3 years ago.
 
Building self confidence is not an overnight exercise. It is akin to body building in that it encourages resistance training...ones willingness to keep socialising with people until you feel comfortable with them, and they with you. It is a process that rewards the person who endures with sufficient confidence to over come their easy choice to surrender to their fears....
 
Congratulations on your progress KölnElch.
At this stage, based on your last post, I would only suggest not becoming too dependent on dating apps. I've tried grindr (only for a very short time), planetromeo (for a long time) and hornet (still using it) and they didn't work much for me. In most cases they are only useful for finding casual sex, not serious dates (sorry, just my experience...).
On the other hand, you live in Köln, you have gay friends, go to the gym and attend parties. You can socialize very well in this environment and meet someone you trust through mutual friends, social groups etc. Lacking those facilities is what I regret about living in my small city.
Good luck! And keep us posted :)
 
I now chatted a bit with a few really promising guys, but nothing has lead to a date yet, but it's ok.
Yeah, I hope I will meet someone via friends, it's a good point :)

Also, I don't live in Köln anymore (Berlin now), I just never bothered to change my nickname, not sure if it's even possible.. maybe I should do that at some point
 
KölnElch said:
Also, I don't live in Köln anymore (Berlin now), I just never bothered to change my nickname, not sure if it's even possible.. maybe I should do that at some point
Click to expand...

Berlin... Talk about a big gay scene ;)
 
Interesting read....


I had somewhat of the same experience. Fear of rejection was/is my problem 100 percent. I would flirt with people and let them get real close, i got tons of attention because i was very good looking when i was younger but when it came time to progress beyond kissing i would pretty much emotionally and sometimes physically run.

I've never liked my body enough. Which is odd because sometimes i look in the mirror and think i look alright.....but when i am with someone i feel like their enthusiasm is fake. Like i don't deserve it.....i've actually gotten angry when i feel people are "too" into me. Of course it's 10 times worse when they are just quiet and my fear is obviously real.


What compounds this, as i have mentioned, is that i am not very successful either. So i feel like my fading looks is all i really have to offer that people actually care about and since i inherently believe that can't be enough, i am very fearful and suscpicious of anyone showing interest.


This really cute probably 18-19 guy was practically raping me with his eyes at the store the other day and all i could think was how he'd be disappointed when i took my shirt off. :(


I put up barriers. I think the real reason for my lack of financial success and lack of commitment at the gym is that i feel like i have to put up these barriers to keep people away. I can't rely on myself to keep them away.....the few relationships i have had were because i grew too tired of the lonely life i lead.

I tend to meet people online on romance them, romance them more on the phone.....and then when i am sure they are hooked on my brand of insanity, i feel just slightly less terrified enough to meet them in person. They have to be basically begging me to marry them for that to happen........


I am not sure why i care about this so much. I don't fear any other kind of rejection so much. I argue with people all the time, i am very confrontational if someone cuts me off in line at the store or says something i don't agree with in a rude manner.....i have a pretty limitless and possibly deluded belief in my own intelligence.....I think i am funny and charming.......i am genuinely shocked when people don't like me after getting to know me.....like i find it odd that they don't love me!

So really i am quite egotistical except when it comes to getting naked.


Not sure where i was going with this....
 
So, here's another update for anyone interested.

No, I didn't have sex yet, and no, I'm not chatting or dating anyone neither.

But a lot of things changed inside of me, in my mind, in my psyche.

I had a very successful summer with therapy, advisory and poundering on my own.

Now I know why I blocked giving it (sex with anyone specific) a chance right away. Now I know the backgrounds of my sex phobia.
Knowing the backgrounds (which are also backgrounds for other aspects in life), helps me already a lot to feel better.

Of course, I don't know if I'm cured, I can only tell that for sure once I had sex, but I don't want to put myself under the pressure to just do it. At least, now I am pretty sure, that I would be able to do it, if I had the chance and if things apply to my minimum standards (first met in public or via friends, some minimum amount of trust, feeling well with each other, sexual attraction, being safe).

All that it now takes is a man that I have a mutual interest with.
This, and hopefully not a relapse, which can easily happen when I'm around with my dad, which is going to be the case as it's now family season with birthdays and christmas.

The background was a combination of my family (dad has a personality disorder that makes his environment suffer because of his behaviour, mum being over-protective) and my hormonal condition and its social effects in my early teenage years (having been strikingly small compared to other classmates -> bullying victim #1).

To keep a long story short, until this summer I used to live with the thought that I'm not normal, and in my subconciosness I always stayed the small one, i.e. remained in the "role" of the obvious bullying victim (as learned in school).

It was quite a shock for me to learn that I am normal and a fully grown adult, but it feels right and it feels good.
At the same time, going to the gym already showed results in my muscle growth, I feel more attractive than ever before.

As this all gives me a totally knew starting situation to discover my sexuality, I am now joining a local gay coming out group, which will have its first meeting soon.

There is still quite a path to walk, and I can't say I won't get a relapse, but compared to where I was earlier this year, I've come very far.
 
Congrats on the steps you are making. I might make you feel better when I say I got you beat by two years (41 and virgin) ;)

But for me the stumbling block is my body. I'm massively overweight and yet I can't be bothered to do anything about it because I don't really want sex enough. I just simply can't comprehend fat people having sex. Why would anyone pick a fat bloke to fuck when they can have the pick of slim guys anytime? When I get horny, I just masturbate. It's the same outcome. The desire then just goes away for a while. As someone once said, "You don't miss what you've never had."
 
Sounds like you made some progress in the non sexual areas but honestly it sounds like you're making the sex part way too complicated. Your first time is rarely your best, and often your worst. It doesn't have to be the perfect guy, you don't have to wait until you have the perfect body, just get it over with and you will feel way better about yourself and you will have more confidence for future encounters.
 
Craiger said:
KölnElch, gaarylindesy has some very good advice. You don't necessarily have to go to a bathhouse to follow through with some of the things he has recommended. If I remember correctly, your therapist suggested an escort service. Perhaps that would be the way to go. First, the escort, due to the fact that you are a client, would never disrespect you. It is his "professional" duty to supply you with what you desire. Also, as I have stated before, there would be no shame in candidly expressing some of your fears before any encounter. Obviously, you would choose someone that was attractive to you. In making your "appointment" you could also state that it would be your first experience with a man. If this would be a problem for them, you are not obligated to follow through with their service.

These are just suggestion, but ultimately you would be wise to consider gaarylindesy ideas. Particularly since he has witnessed similar feelings and fears that you possess. How wonderful it will feel in the long run to be free of the anxieties that you encounter.

As always, I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to improve and enhance you life to the fullest.

Craiger
Click to expand...

It's actually better if he expresses his fears beforehand - tho during and after are fine as well. Relaxation and ease of discussion, along with accurate information, is a very large part of the job description. Can't relax you if you're bottling things up.
 
And may I suggest gloves, dams and wrap to go with the condoms to help ease fears about bodily fluids. I find it's often easier for me to get used to touching things if there's a barrier, and after repetition becomes so blasé that I can usually remove the barrier. Shelling shrimp comes to mind as an example. A good escort will also go over a list of options and limitations beforehand, among other things. You should probably also inform them what your goal for a single meeting is - no issue gets settled overnight, as it were, and attempting to focus on all the issues will have you running spare. And if you've physical or other mental disabilities or issues, do say.

But if I were you, I'd start with 'possibly erotic touch' and gauge your comfort level from there. The stoplight (green yellow, red) is pretty well known as well and would, I imagine, be a help in going at your own pace.

Your therapist was mistaken on the semen thing though, condoms contain it quite adequately. I also dislike cum everywhere, it's one of the few bits of mess I find irritating to clean up.

- just read your last post and congratulations! Try not to hinge your burgeoning sexuality on a set of perfect circumstances is the only addition - it's remarkably easy to talk oneself out of new, possibly frightening experiences.
 
dozyk74 said:
Congrats on the steps you are making. I might make you feel better when I say I got you beat by two years (41 and virgin) ;)

But for me the stumbling block is my body. I'm massively overweight and yet I can't be bothered to do anything about it because I don't really want sex enough. I just simply can't comprehend fat people having sex. Why would anyone pick a fat bloke to fuck when they can have the pick of slim guys anytime? When I get horny, I just masturbate. It's the same outcome. The desire then just goes away for a while. As someone once said, "You don't miss what you've never had."
Click to expand...

Actually, I think the stumbling block there is your view of fat people, regardless of the reason for the weight or how much weight there is. People miss what they've never had all the time. I'd suggest therapy even if you've no intention of sex with others, that view of the self is bad for your health. For the record I actually prefer heavier people. Despite it being silly I'm always afraid if I don't keep an extra eye out I'll break the tinier ones.
 
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