Dealing with "sex phobia"

[KölnElch]

Hi, 39 year old virgin writing here.

I know already this line is causing lots of "wtf" among most of you, and I can't blame you. I just never met anyone where there was a mutual interest, or at least a known mutual interest. Btw, I hope this is the right subforum for this.

What I learned from kissing is, that I don't want to do certain things just so I can check them off my list. I am not looking for "the one", as I know well that's mostly a myth, and I don't even need to fall in love with someone. I'm not that kind of "saving up" guy. I have kissed strangers just for fun.

The problem was, even if there were a guy with a mutual interest, I would probably have been too scared to do anything, as I suffer from what I believe can be called a sex phobia. This means, I enjoy fantasizing about all kinds of sexual activities, but I'd "never" do anything of that in real life, though often I really want to. Hence, I've been asking myself what my problem is.

I am in therapy about all this for long already, and I am sure it has to do with my tyrannic father, but I was never able to really define my fears, until a few weeks ago.

I won't go into details, I have counted at least 15 various sub-fears of various degrees of severity (letting someone into my place, fear of body liquids, just to name two of them), of which some are connected to each other. Fear of losing control is probably a big underlying one.

I have no problems with kissing friends or random strangers, which I do if there's such a kind of situation on gay parties, but everything else is taking place only in my fantasy so far.

Why I am writing this post, you might ask:

1. I'd like to talk to people about this, not just to my therapist. If there is anyone else out there with a similar sex phobia, it would be nice to exchange.

2. I am not asking for advice, but I'd be curious anyway, in case you have one for me. Even if you don't have an advice, it would surely already help me a lot if you'd ask me questions, interview style, so I can discover parts of my soul/brain that I haven't looked at yet.

3. I am not as awkward as you think I am. Sometimes, people who only read my topic before, were surprised when they actually met me, about how normal I am.
So I hope you find what I write at least interesting, and not just awkward and sick.

I could mention all my sub-fears one by one, but I don't want to bore you with that. I am just indecisive if I first should tackle my most simple fears or first my most severe fears.

And last but not least, to finally overcome my fears, I surely need sex. And I guess the main question of my thread is:

Would there be anyone patient enough to deal with someone who is that insecure about sex? Would renting an escort be an option (my therapist suggested this, I don't think it's a good idea)?

Sex is supposed to be fun, so I wonder how other people are approaching it, for which sex is a serious or even traumatic topic, or part of one?

 

[Seasoned]

This is the perfect forum for your post. I'm happy you posted this because someone will be able to identify with various phobias and perhaps have some suggestions.

I'm glad that you are working with a therapist. Your therapist's suggestion that you hire an escort is sound and makes sense in Europe especially where there are fewer sexual hang ups than in the U.S. However, you need to try to predict how you'll feel during and afterwards. Do be guided by that as well.

If you don't mind me weighing in on one of your questions, I think that working on what you consider to be a smaller phobia first makes sense. Your confidence in making progress, it seems to me, would be enhanced and might make working on your sex phobia a bit easier.

I wish you the best and congratulations for attempting to make life better for yourself. It takes a lot of courage.

 

[Seasoned]

As far as finding someone who'd be patient regarding sex, the answer is yes, but, of course, it will take a special person. That's were some experience with an escort would make things easier for you. If you go that route you need to be cautioned to not fall for him romantically. Again, all the best.

 

[Craiger]

Hi, KölnElch! I can't imagine that there aren't others with a similar condition. Hopefully some will post and give you a glimpse of how they have coped with it.

I would ask a personal question and that is how do you get your sexual gratification? I assume it is through masturbation. If that is the case, would you have an aversion to joining someone in mutual masturbation? One where there is no touching or exchange of bodily fluids. Perhaps that would help you become more comfortable with a type of sexual release that doesn't require you to worry about performance fears.

After several sessions of mutual masturbation and by taking it slow you could gradually progress to slight touching when your comfort zone allows. Each step you take could lead you to trusting and enjoying the erotic and sexual experience. All this you could do with a gay friend you trust or even an escort as your therapist suggested. Your rules would be clearly defined before any session.

There is no shame in being inexperienced. There are those that would be willing to help clear some of the sub-fears that you mention. Whatever your choice, I wish you luck and hope you will let us know of your progress in overcoming this condition.

Craiger

 

[hotatlboi]

Would there be anyone patient enough to deal with someone who is that insecure about sex? Would renting an escort be an option (my therapist suggested this, I don't think it's a good idea)?

Yes there are people who are turned on by virgins and being a guy's first one who would love to help you out.

Or you could hire an escort.

But yes, you need to get laid stat. Pick any method that will do.

Once you get some actual experience, sex will not seem so bad or scary.

 

[KölnElch]

Thanks for the great replies so far.

Seasoned: that is exactly one of my issues, I can't predict how I'd feel during or afterwards. Not with an escort, and not with a normal person either. The fact that I don't know how I'd react on actual sex is already playing a big role in my insecurity.
Trust is surely one of my issues as well, and I really have my doubts if "trust" can exist with an escort. Don't get me wrong, I have a high respect of people with that kind of job, but knowing that all his actions and "played emotions" are paid-for, makes me sceptical about the element of trust as well, as it's paid-for, not natural.

My "easiest" fear is about not being attractive for the guys I find attractive. I am mostly into guys who don't look like myself, and who are in a different (younger) age group (20-30), but I also met guys in their 50s who I found very hot. It's quite hypothetical and not really a fear, because as soon as there is mutual interest, it's not a fear anymore, and so it's not really a part of my sex phobia, and if there is no mutual interest, I can't change it either. It's not really anything I can work on for myself.

The "first" thing I can work on however is the fact, that I project my own fears onto others. Like, trying to find a good comparison: If you are scared of flying, you don't want the one you love to fly, because you're scared for him. If that makes sense. So with sex it's even more paradox, I think, with a guy I like, I wouldn't wanna do stuff that I am / was afraid of myself. Sure, there is surely a real risk within sex, depending on what you do (STIs, violence, bullying, etc) but I believe that most of the "being scared for others" is projecting my own, ungrounded fears onto them.

Craiger: I am masturbating, yes. Every day, if I can, sometimes even twice per day. I'm looking at pics and gifs, here on JUB, tumblr, elsewhere. I don't think I could do mutual masturbation as of yet, but a good gay friend of mine offered me that I could jerk off with him being in the same room, as a first. He lives in another European country so I don't see him every year, but he said the next time we meet, we could do that. And I think I'd like to do that. I am not sure if he'd be up for anything more, and I'm not sure if I would, but that's already something I guess.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm glad you wrote more. I understand what you're saying when you explain how you can be fearful for others when they're about to do the same thing you're afraid of. I can also understand how that would complicate sex. Has it been possible for you to break down and itemize your sexual fears in therapy? I was thinking if it was something that could be broken down you might have some successes with parts of the problem without having to tackle everything at once.

I'm also glad you addressed the "out of my league" issue with which so many people struggle. I just read an article last week in which the author argued that there's no such thing for people who get to know one another. Hooks ups, of course, are another story.

Keep up your good work!

 

[Craiger]

I hope you pursue the offer your friend made. It seems to me that that would be the lease invasive means of slowly starting the healing you need to proceed. Also, remember an escort is a choice you make, so the profile and photos they give will help you decide if they meet the standards and expectation you may have and want. Seasoned is also correct in not allowing yourself to become romantically involved if you do meet an escort. Utilize them as an attractive teacher. They're geared to pleasing the client and would have no judgement concerning your lack of experience.

In regards to your thoughts of "out of my league", I know friends that would be considered "out of someones league" who go to a bar or club and stand there waiting for someone to be kind and talk to them. They have the opposite happening for them. People are afraid to approach them for that same reasons and fears and they, themselves, may be shy enough to fear speaking up. It never hurts to say hello. If they are not interested you will know, but they still may be interesting and friendship material. Those "out of my league" guys that exude that type of personality are not ones worthy of your time anyway. Saying that, there also may be a hidden part of them that is over compensating for a fear of their own. If you are brave and truly interested, give it a try.

Good luck and keep us in the loop.

Craiger

 

[toolboi]

I'm happy to have found this thread as I think I do have the same kind of fear. Granted, I'm only 20 but I feel pretty much the same way about sex as KölnElch does.

One thing that I could think of that may have factored into this would be the type of guys I attract, which are usually discreet, straight-acting, masculine guys. And I guess I'm afraid that I'm just an experiment of some kind to explore their sexuality or assert their masculinity. Similarly, I do project this fear of sex to people close to me as do I to those that I'm into, though I don't always necessarily express it verbally.

In regards with the advice given above, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with mutual masturbation either. Though I've given online roleplay, cam sex, and phone sex some tries before with strangers online.

 

[KölnElch]

Nice toolboi, good that you found it. We probably have different reasons behind our fears, but it's good to go out with that, also to create an awareness for the topic. And this projecting my fears is also happening when watching porn, like, my heart stops a little when I see a young guy getting his face and his mouth drowned in sperm. His choice, and I can find it hot, but it's still also kinda upsetting for me.

About that "out of my league" thing: I totally believe that two people can find each other attractive, even if they are completely different. I myself am more interested in people who are different to me. I once kissed a guy who was way above my league, and had a few more flirting with me, so I am quite confident that this is not that much gonna be a problem. I think love can walk over any bridge, be it a huge age gap, a different social class, cultural heritage, political opinion, religion, skin colour, heavily tattooed vs. not at all, I think "real" love and maybe even sex doesn't know those limits. But agreed, getting to know someone really well in advance surely helps a lot, one just must not miss the fine line before the friendship is so that you don't want to risk losing a friend anymore.

Seasoned: Well, I guess some parts of my fears can be broken down... if I understand the meaning of the term "breaking down sth." correctly.

The weird thing is: Not all of my fears would appear on all activities with everyone. I would have absolutely no problem with touching one's naked bodies. Also I'd have less problems (but still) with mutual masturbation or footjobs. The toughest thing for me would be when liquids get exchanged. I would have much less of a problem kissing / licking his body, or him doing the same with my body, or even coming on one another (my penis, ass, face and ears excluded), than with things where liquids hit on face, lips, penis, etc.

My therapist said it's a symbol of "invading" into someone. I told her I just couldn't cope with letting go and having sperm flying uncontrolled over me and the room etc, that's when she reminded me that it's as uncontrollable as spiders, another big phobia that I have.

I believe that "invading" aspect is quite valid, at least in my conception, be it right or wrong. Unless I had someone bound to bed and being completely passive, I'd have someone being sexually active with me. I don't even have to bottom for that to happen, already a kiss is where two people get active with each other, and so I have someone invading me and my life, and that's where I have to give away a part of my control.

Maybe I have problems with letting someone closer to me, than what I'm used to in my family. The concept of having strangers close to you, I mean, inside of you, is totally weird for me. I understand that it's two different things, but in my conception, having sex is the most private and the most intimate you can ever get in life. The fact that normal people do this with random strangers just irritates me. I don't judge it, it's just a very strange concept for me.
My parents hate each other, but they are from the generation, having been children in the worst war ever, who just won't separate. I have never seen them exchanging dear words or signs of love or affection. I received a lot of support from them, and a lot of love especially from my mother, who I am very close with. I am out as well. But all "adult" romance I "learned" was from movies and friends, it's nothing that ever happened in my family, other than the fact that my parents must have had sex at some point, in order to have me.

Also, that concept of losing virginity, is also playing a part in my fear. Surely one can argue at what point a gay guy who identifies himself as top (I do) is losing his virginity, but at some point I (hopefully) will, even though it freaks me out. The words we have for that are all negative. "Losing" something (the virginity), sinning, losing innocence (= being guilty; for what?), so I wonder what it does to my soul after I'll have apparently lost all that is considered good, clean and precious. At that moment I have to make it clear that I'm not religious, neither are my parents. I was raised with basic christian values, but going church, reading the bible, praying was never a topic for my family. Officially I am protestant, and I do believe in souls and god, just not the christian way, as I don't believe in Jesus other than him being a historic person. However it strikes me how negatively the transition from virgin to non-virgin is connoted in our languages, and thus in our society, still. Which, again, is totally weird, as nearly everyone has sex at some point, so all people are becoming evil? I don't get it.

That's as much as I can break it down at the moment, and it still doesn't really give me an answer, but I'm definitely on my way, which is a big progress compared to where I still was half a year ago.

I am still also scared of smaller things like letting him into my place or going to his place (though I do that with selling stuff on ebay, so I wonder what's the diference in my thinking), scared he's rejecting me once I undressed, also scared I'd reject him once he undressed for whatever reason, scared of bullying, harassment, bitchyness, scared I'm suddenly having a problem with him once getting to know him better but we're at home already, scared of failing as my penis has flaws, scared of technical mistakes, basically scared of my own inexperiencedness and him rejecting me for that. But all those are the smaller fears . The biggest fears for me are catching an STI, and even that fear is probably just a placeholder for my actual fear, which is still very diffuse, and probably has to do with my family and the concept of losing virginity.

But I know that I really want it. I want a boyfriend, I want sex. Long time I doubted that I want it, at times I thought I'm asexual, but no - I want it, but I can't (yet), due to all that shit in my head. I'm on my way, thanks for listening and taking the time to read it all, I appreciate it a lot. Progress might be slow, even seeing that friend who offered me to cum in his presence can take a while as we're in different countries, but I'm definitely working on it all.

 

[Craiger]

KölnElch, you bring up some very interesting things. It does seem true that the majority of society uses double standards when it comes to sex. On one hand, it is a sin unless it is being used for procreation. On the other, even they engage in it for the pleasure of it. Most of this, I think, is based on religious tenets. I have much the same feeling you have expressed about religious doctrine. However, I have been able to get past it. As time goes by, I have realized that most religions are created by man and the "rules and laws" concerning them are made to perpetuate the control over the masses. Most seem to be patriarchal in nature and those in the top echelon will do and say anything to keep their position secure. Much like politicians. Granted, there are some whose faith is so strong and enlightened that their respect is well deserved.

My feeling is that what rings true within yourself and it causes no harm to anyone else is the path that God or the Creator by any other name has instilled within you. Also, in speaking of sex, it is a human need. A biological piece of our being, both physically and mentally. To deny this need and the release of it would be harmful in all senses. It is a private part of life only because society has deemed it so. And this is fine for the most part. Intimacies between two people can evolve in different ways depending on each individual parties.

The idea of "losing" ones virginity is somewhat overblown, in my opinion. In concept, it is geared toward youth. The loss of ones innocents at those ages are set to protect them until they are mature enough to understand the effects of their actions. This, again, can vary depending on their rate of maturity. Unfortunately, I think in the gay society, virginity tends to be gauged by when there is penetration. I believe that at the first stage of sexual activity with another person, whether it be oral, mutual masturbation or anal, constitutes the "loss of innocents." Again, this is all with the mental and physical truth within oneself that expresses love and pleasure for both parties and is of no harm to anyone else.

Each of us have to find what is true within our lives. Your working with a therapist will greatly help you along the path. You may find a completely different approach to life than I and others have which is what you should strive for. Already your thoughts are analyzing some of your fears and you seem to be able to bring them forward to work on. Best of luck to you.

Craiger

 

[KölnElch]

Bit late, but thanks for your good wishes Craiger.

So, I am seeing my therapist again next week.
I have processed a lot of thoughts these days, but not really taken a hurdle other than signing up on Tinder, and got a match within 2 days and probably will have a date with him soon. I need to find the right balance between not to rush things and letting a chance pass by.

However I found out, what made me insecure in previous dates: I think I misinterpreted the nervosity about having a date as having a crush on the guy already. Also, I always thought "hmm, I should be able to find something better" so often didn't give it a chance.
Of course, my general fear was also causing this attitude. My general fear gave me a rather narrow type of man... at least on Tinder I'd say I decline 70% and like 30%. That's not overly picky though I guess. Of course, when meeting in real, other, even minor things that might irritate me. You see, I never found the right balance between "omg I'm in love" and "meh, next".

Actually, my two easiest fears on my list, aren't really fears but will be fine.. I guess they can be checked.

The next fear that I want to tackle is the fact that I'm afraid that my first sex will alter me, and I can't know in which direction. In some way, again, it's a fear about losing control, in this case over my own personality and soul.

I mean, I have no idea how I will react. I might cry, I might scream and run away, I might be embarrassed like hell, I might feel lost, I might laugh my ass off, I might just love it and ask for more, I might be depressed.... I can't know, and that scares me.

 

[Craiger]

Glad to hear that you will see your therapist next week. Let him/her guide you. Don't over analyze your fear as to how you will react. Allow yourself to relax and enjoy whatever sensation comes about. I think if you have preconceived ideas of how you may react, it will keep you from feeling and enjoying the moment. Assess those things after and try to avoid the negative ones. Remember, this is an experience in sensual feelings and a natural act. Go only as far as it makes you comfortable. Do not allow your partner ultimate control, but also allow yourself to relax and give up a bit of yourself to fully appreciate the situation.

When you have the date, don't be ashamed to admit you are nervous and that this may be an experience to help you through some of your fears. If he is a caring and compassionate guy, he will be happy to respond favorably to your needs and desires. Whatever happens, keep us in the loop. My best to you, KölnElch.

Craiger

 

[KölnElch]

It's true, a preconceived idea of how I might react or how I will react - that could be ruining the moment. It was the same when I watched the total solar eclipse in 1999, I was just so overwhelmed by the uniqueness that I more acted than really reacted (it still was great though). I agree with all you wrote.

Actually, I think a friend with benefits would be my best option for first sex.
It has the most chances to eliminate most of my fears at least, though not the strongest ones.

 

[gaarylindesy]

hey kolnelch, i think there are some really thought out answers here but i thought maybe my input could help
I was a virgin till i was 22 almost 23, i think i was motivated by many of the fears you listed, i fear rejection so i didnt know how to make a first move and even if i was flirted with it was hard to accept that, i feared violence because of past incidences, i feared losing my virginity the meaning of that as you said there was a certain comfort in being "virginal" and "pure ", i feared the intimacy and losing it after, i feared feeling being used, and of course i feared sti's.

Anyways its all to say that I had a lot of apprehensions to sex i was always half way searching for it and then running away the minute the chance started to present itself ( one time even literally lol). But at 22 frustrated out of my mind knowing i wanted to have sex but know that all these fears were stoping me from living the way i wanted to i decided I could not let my fear control me any longer, that if i didnt do anything to hault them it would only get worse and stop me from living a fulfilling life filled with love and intimacy i decided i could not let them control me and stop me from living my life i decided go to a gay bathhouse ( i was abroad in a country whose people i found very attractive and had flirted with many but it went nowhere of course. . . ) I decided that that would be the day i lost my virginity and that that would aleast start the gear moving ( really i told myself that if i could just do something sexual even if it wasnt going all the way it would be progress and therefore good) anyways i went and to say i was nervous would be an understatement, in fact my body visibily trembled and getting an erection was for the firt time in my life impossible ( but all those symptoms only proved to me more how bad my phobia wa nad how much i need to take contorl over it) so i promised myself i wouldnt leave without doing something.

Long story short by then end of the night i had found my erection and had a very fun and pleasurable encoounter and that was that, all these fear vanished i realized that the pedistal of virginity was not worth the cost it brought to my life and really i havednt had to face these fear again, am i still super shy? yes. but i dont know jsut do it is my advice i dont regret what i did at all im actually really thankful to my past self for smmoning that courage and make my life much better now for that. On a side not a will say your first time at sex will prbably not live up to expectation, i think it builds up in your head so much htat when you do it your suprised and a little let down by how simple and well not a big deal it is but since the first i have had a lot more sex and im amazed at how great, fun, exciting and intimate it can be, so it justa forwarning that getting to the really amazing sex might take time to get comfortable and practive ^u ^

 

[KölnElch]

gaarylindesy, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and experience.

And lol, the thing is: I have no idea what's good sex or bad sex (what IS it?!), and of course I'm scared my first partner would tell his friends "omg the sex was so bad", but I myself really don't care if the first sex is good or bad, as long as he's not an idiot to me afterwards. That's what I'm also afraid of, getting nasty comments, getting rejected once I'm undressed, and even if not: feeling used or getting stalked afterwards. The best treatment against fear might be to surrender to lust, but then that I might regret once having a clear mind again...

I would never dare to go to a bathhouse, but maybe I have a wrong conception about it... but still it's interesting to read about your experience.

I have two questions for you:

The hours after your first sex, did you feel like you lost something, or like you won something? Or both?

When you now have a good memory of something that happened before you lost virginity.. like non-sex related stuff, can you in your memory still feel like the one you've been before, or do you lose the emotional access to your former self? (At least that's what my imagination is, and thus: another fear, and it might sound completely insane to most of you but it's actually what I imagine could happen!)

 

[gaarylindesy]

okay i want to answers these questions openly and honestly,

has my emotional accecess to my memories prior to my "deflowering" been inhibited ? Not at all I don't see how that possible , i still rememeber the first time i held a crushes hand or the first time someone told me they liked me or all thats stuff when as much fondness as before. You dont suddenly become someone new you, the bigger change i sthink is that I felt a pride (and still do) in myself for saying no to my fear for for not allowing it to dictate my life and seperate me from things that make me fill more fulfilled and happy. at then i gained the ability to be intimate ( not just physically ) with other to a degree i was not priorly comfortable to and alsoi gained the ability to control my fears an not have them control me.

To answer your first question I would say both, at first well after sex with this guy we ended up tlaking the whole night through and eating breakfast at a dinner together and it was really nice to speak so canidly with another person after I went home alone i will there was a sense of i cant discribe like a sense of loss of not being able to go back but not about my virginity it was more about being ay and official accepting that and the weight of that but i after the first couple of hours alone with that weight i felt amazing like i said i felt more confident in myself and really ready to do it again.

As for what hte guy will say or do during or after, I have been together with my first time guy for years now since that day, did I expect that going in ? no way part of the reason i went there was for the fact that id never have to see that person again if i didnt want to. So again letting fears and what ifs guide your life is severly limiting on all the options and honestly one douchey guy beign a prick is not as bad as the alternative of years of missed oppurtunites and living with what ifs. so what if hes a prick it wont kill you infact just be a prick right back and ignore for ever more and find some other awesome guy the end.

idk i understand your fears because that was me but really your just being a bit to mental stop living inyou fears and head and live life I have never regretted that day and like I said instead see it as a revolutionary day for me that set me on a path to a much happier life

 

[Craiger]

KölnElch, gaarylindesy has some very good advice. You don't necessarily have to go to a bathhouse to follow through with some of the things he has recommended. If I remember correctly, your therapist suggested an escort service. Perhaps that would be the way to go. First, the escort, due to the fact that you are a client, would never disrespect you. It is his "professional" duty to supply you with what you desire. Also, as I have stated before, there would be no shame in candidly expressing some of your fears before any encounter. Obviously, you would choose someone that was attractive to you. In making your "appointment" you could also state that it would be your first experience with a man. If this would be a problem for them, you are not obligated to follow through with their service.

These are just suggestion, but ultimately you would be wise to consider gaarylindesy ideas. Particularly since he has witnessed similar feelings and fears that you possess. How wonderful it will feel in the long run to be free of the anxieties that you encounter.

As always, I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to improve and enhance you life to the fullest.

Craiger

 

[KölnElch]

Yeah I'm still not sure if doing an escort would be a good idea for myself. On one side, (if!), then I would decide for someone I'd be really attracted to.. on the other side, I'm a very emotional person so I might have a crush against my will. Cuddling and kissing (I don't have to be in love for that) is more important to me than sex (at least I feel like in order to get that, I have to have sex, so I see sex more as a tool to get the first), and I have no idea if that's possible with an escort...

However, a lot of fears would be eliminated from the start, apart of trust (I still have some prejudices towards that job), the virginity thing, and of course the fear of catching an STI.

I am not closing the door for the option "escort", but do have my doubts..

What I'm already doing rightnow is trying to get some contacts on grindr and tinder, so far the latter resulted in 1 match and we might have a date soon to get to know each other. Of course I'm insecure as how much to reveal about myself on that first meeting..
But also I am trying to go to gay clubs with my gay friends again. I can't talk to people there because of the loud music, but who knows what might happen. Of course I'll feel old at 39 (On the other side, I already felt old at 25, and I know I'm by far not the oldest man out there!), but at least I have a bit of experience in kissing and I know that it's not a big deal. I've kissed guys before, one without talking before or afterwards. He just kissed me, I joined him, didn't complain, and that was it.

If my first sex turns out as a "no big deal" as well, I guess I will hate myself for being so silly to carry a fear for such a long time... and I might still feel inferior, knowing I was old at my first time... (compared to others who have had their first time when they were still children!) just cos I'll have had sex, doesn't make the last 20 years undone.

However, I've began to workout and take care of my looks again, so I went down from 93 to 89 kilos now, consider permanent hair removal on my shoulders, and might go to the gym soon where my gay friend is going to, will ask him about that later.

So far I've solved 4 out of 13 fears, and yesterday something happened that's a big step to overcome one of my strongest fears (an irrational one).

So, lots of progress for me compared to when I've started the thread, and JUB played a big role for that so far.

Thanks guys!

 

[Craiger]

Great to hear that progress is being made, KölnElch. Sometimes taking the baby steps will bring about a much more fulfilling end. Move at your own pace and it sounds as though you are moving. There are others in your age group and older that are just beginning the transition into a new sexual phase. Thirty nine is certainly not old and there are plenty of kind and considerate guys out there that could care less about your being a newby. There are also many who love to cuddle and forgo the intense action. Keep searching and taking that step forward and it will pay off for you as you leave behind many of the fears you now hold. Best of luck in meeting your new friend.

Craiger