Dealing with suicidal thoughts.

[JakeShields]

I constantly find the concept of existing to be overwhelming. I feel ugly all the time even though I’m atleast average. I hate being a member of society. I hate working. I hate pretty much everything about myself but I play my life off like everything is alright. I’m not looking for superficial supportive comments. I’m just trying to vent and get this off my chest.. :/

 

[KaraBulut]

How long have you had these thoughts? Have they gotten worse recently or have they been the same all along?

 

[Shelby29]

I constantly find the concept of existing to be overwhelming. I feel ugly all the time even though I’m atleast average. I hate being a member of society. I hate working. I hate pretty much everything about myself but I play my life off like everything is alright. I’m not looking for superficial supportive comments. I’m just trying to vent and get this off my chest.. :/

Keep talking, Jake. Get it all off your chest. Life CAN be overwhelming but it can get better. I speak from experience! You are worthwhile, and above average. A beautiful human being. I won't offer platitudes only ask you to reconsider. Lost a family member not long ago to suicide; it isn't the answer. Help is available. Talk to a counselor if you can't talk to anyone else. The hotline is 800-273-8255. PLEASE, Jake.


Speak with a counselor today. NOW!

 

[MusicMan321]

It's not the thought of doing that you need to talk to someone and they will help you out however way they can like Shelby29 said give that # a call or talk to someone too

 

[m1thousand]

Jake
Thank you. I struggle with suicidal thoughts every day of my life. I feel like I have no one I can talk to because if I talk to my fairly new therapist, over zoom, which its very one on one, when you use to see therapists in the office.
I dont feel good about myself and I feel like Im faking it with everyone I come in contact with. I dont have a bad life, when you really think about it, but I am PLAGUED by self doubt and I really dont know why I exist. PLEASE, just let me kill myself. I cant say that to the docotr because i'll end up in the psych ward and although not the greatest place to be, I have insomnia and all night I would have to listen to roommates snoring while I dont sleep. I drink alcohol in order to get to sleep (although its been challenging tonight).

I made a vow to myself in 1984 that in 10 years, I would kill myself. Its not 2020 and here I am.

My chosen method is suicide by a train but I sometimes think I may back out at the last second.

My sister put her dog down a year ago, and I thought, why cant I just be put down?

Thats all I have to say for now. I couldnt sleep so i was having more alcohol (because the prescription sleeping pills no longer work) so I have to drink . . . but my cat tipped over the glass.

I wished we lived in a World where assisted suicide was accepted.

So many Christmases, I have wanted to say to my family, "I just dont want to do this anymore" and they would understand. But they dont. They would throw me into the locked psych ward

I will glady speak with anyone who feels like I do because it is so lonely.

Ive visited suicide forum to see what other people are actually dealing with. I just have this narrative stuck in my head that I will kill myself so why bother doing this, or that

Thanks
M1000

 

[rareboy]

^ Please speak with your current therapist if you are having constant thoughts of suicide. Some of this can be triggered by meds.

And your mixing of meds and alcohol is not helping.

 

[m1thousand]

Rareboy,
My therapist knows about my chronic suicidal thoughts. I zoom with him on Wednesday. I am going to ask him more about it.

I know medication and alcohol are good, but there is no alternative (that I know of). My doctor (GP) put me on prescription sleeping pills when nothing else helped. I tried 3-4 medications for sleeping and he only prescribed it to me then. Im hoping it will be a 'phase' and I wont need alcohol to sleep

Thanks

 

[m1thousand]

I decided to try to just use sleeping pills (Zopiclone, 11 mg) to get to sleep. No alcohol. I didnt fall asleep. I essentially have talked myself out of the pills working (I take a double dose. The recommended dose is 7.5 mg but my doctor, reluctantly, agree to give me a double dose). I see him on Jan 5th and I think Im going to tell him that it doesnt work for me anymore - it worked for me for a few months - and I will have to drink alcohol, or there is the option to use pot (but Im not pot, but it does the trick of getting me to sleep)

 

[darian]

For a long time I felt overwhelmed by the demands of living up to the external expectations of life, until I finally realised that life was gifted to me, for me to live, not to meet external expectations of how I should live it. At the same time I "stopped to smell the roses": took the time to marvel at the architecture, colour and perfume of flowers; gazed up into a clear night sky and marveled at all those galaxies containing all those planets and just knew I had a place in the universe, like every other creation; stepped out of myself and its often petty issues in comparison to the majesty of the universe and creation and gained a different perspective. I remembered happy memories and used them to renew my faith that I could experience more of them in the future as I had already done so in the past. It was a way of seeing past the external demands of living, which had appeared like a prison and the only thing in my reality, to be able to start to see the forest instead of just the trees around me and to take me out of myself.

Then I began to simplify my life and stop conforming only to the external demands of how my life should be lived. I took holidays from work and explored my own creative interests instead of keeping up with the Joneses and finally I gave up my stressful job (although that comes with its own stresses depending on your circumstances).

I began to accept that I was okay just as I was at that point in time and trusted that change would come from inside, when I was ready. I realised that appearance was irrelevant and that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, but that can be so fickle, it is not worth pursuing change simply to please someone else as it becomes a fraud since it is not the authentic you and you are dancing to someone elses tune.

I also gave myself permission to feel instead of trying to block it out with distractions like drugs or work: yes it was painful at times, but they were only feelings and they would pass in time; they couldn't actually hurt me physically unless I took some physical action against myself or others.

I slowly became a more authentic version of myself and started living the life I wanted to lead rather than someone elses version.

Unfortunately society conditions us to follow a set path in life, even where our own authentic path takes a different course and judges us a failure if we don't follow it. I was conditioned to want to marry, have a family, own a home, work and strive towards wealth, when I was really attracted to men, was not interested in having children or developing wealth beyond what was required to have shelter, food, clothing and to pursue my interests.

I'm still traveling the path of my own life and have a long way to go before achieving my goals, however I am more content with the journey now being more or less within my own control than under the direction of others.

I did have suicidal thoughts for a while, however I wanted the pain to end rather than wanting to die. I found ways to manage the pain, rather than take the ultimate action.

Alcohol is a depressant and will eventually worsen the feelings of depression. Most drugs are addictive in that they lose their effectiveness over time and require more to achieve the same effect: they are only a short term method of providing stability and only mask the symptoms rather than cure the issue.

The greatest impact on my perspective was watching a program called "The Great Sperm Race" which highlighted the almost insurmountable challenge a sperm has to face in fertilising an egg and made me realise that our act of creation is heroic against all odds and imbues us with a fundamental "worth" from the sheer struggle towards life that can not be taken away: we are born of success, already fighters towards life and deserve our place in the universe.

 

[harleyguykl]

"At the end, remind yourself that you did the best you could. And that is good enough" How appropriate that my last words will have been stolen from someone else's last words

 

[darian]

"At the end, remind yourself that you did the best you could. And that is good enough" How appropriate that my last words will have been stolen from someone else's last words

I'm not familiar with that quote, however I think it's intention is to remind us that we are all flawed human beings and we do our best under the circumstances of life: we should not punish ourselves for not being perfect or for being influenced by many external factors outside our control.

You aren't stealing anything: civilisation is about utilising what has come before, for progress, not reinventing the wheel. Your own life experiences are valuable, if you are able to share them, in adding to the sum total of knowledge: it would be unfortunate to deprive society of that additional insight, although it is your life to lead.

 

[Peloso]

I decided to try to just use sleeping pills (Zopiclone, 11 mg) to get to sleep. No alcohol. I didnt fall asleep. I essentially have talked myself out of the pills working (I take a double dose. The recommended dose is 7.5 mg but my doctor, reluctantly, agree to give me a double dose). I see him on Jan 5th and I think Im going to tell him that it doesnt work for me anymore - it worked for me for a few months - and I will have to drink alcohol, or there is the option to use pot (but Im not pot, but it does the trick of getting me to sleep)

Attend to your your poor sleep hygiene. It could be the root of your existential depression.

And start thinking about how you can do it without alcohol.

Alcohol screws up your sleep cycle. If you drink nightly, you are not getting proper sleep. SLEEP IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR MENTAL HYGIENE, and natural sleep is necessary.

I spent most of my thirties dealing with chronic insomnia. It's a nightmare. You don't live, you just exist, and barely so. It's good that you question the efficacy of the pills you take to sleep. Prescription sleep aids are just that--aids. No prescription sleeping pill is going to guarantee you sleep, and those that will are going to be out of your reach (remember how Michael Jackson died). The best way to reclaim and maintain healthy sleep patterns is to abide by your natural circadian rhythm...it's actually a powerful drug in itself, if you allow it to work properly.

I've been where you are, in that desperate miasma of sleep-aid hell, and if someone had told me back then to ditch the alcohol and benzos and instead opt for meditation and maybe a cup of sweet decaf tea before bed, I would have scoffed and punched them in the neck.

But it works. I take klonopin. Not for sleep, but for issues with anxiety and anger. I've weaned myself down to half of my prescribed dose. I'm sure it plays a role in the fact that I sleep well, but guess what? When I can't sleep, I don't ever double dose or reach for a fast-acting xanax. I have a cup of hot black tea with lots of sugar and then meditate for ten/fifteen minutes. Then I'm out like a light.

I'm not suggesting you change your habits overnight. You can't. You're probably rolling your eyes right now: all those lovely little sleeping pills....how can a cup of tea compare? Well, it can't for you right now. But you can start to wean yourself off the alcohol and pills so that you get to a point where it can.

Consider this. That's the first step.

Even marijuana is better than alcohol and pills. It could be a good way to help you deal with your cessation of the more powerful addictive substances. You don't sound to me like someone who would easily abuse weed, so there's that.

Jerking off in bed also can help you sleep. If I have a cup of sweet tea and a good wank, I could fall asleep in a falling elevator.

 

[harleyguykl]

If you are not a religious person what would be the harm in suicide? I mean the whole concept of a lake of fire, devoid of God and separation from light, et al wouldn't have much sway over a non-religious person. So what would stop someone from wanting to end the pain? Not only one's own pain but the pain they are causing others. Is it selfish to just want to be done with things and leave?

 

[KaraBulut]

If you are not a religious person what would be the harm in suicide? I mean the whole concept of a lake of fire, devoid of God and separation from light, et al wouldn't have much sway over a non-religious person. So what would stop someone from wanting to end the pain? Not only one's own pain but the pain they are causing others. Is it selfish to just want to be done with things and leave?

I generally don't respond to advice posts because the purpose of the forum is for people to offer their advice, not to have a debate.

But since you ended with a question, I will offer an answer: it is selfish and there's nothing wrong with being selfish, per se. Except that for every person who does make the choice to commit suicide ends up leaving a lot of people behind. While it might seem to end pain for the person who commits suicide, too often it just passes along the pain to their friends and family who are left with a lot of unanswered questions and a longing to have the person back.

 

[harleyguykl]

too often it just passes along the pain to their friends and family who are left with a lot of unanswered questions and a longing to have the person back.

no friends...well unless you count the ex-friends that still owe me money. They will not miss me.

The ONLY keeping me alive is my 81 y/o father and 80 y/o mother that depend on me to care for them. They are both slipping away with dementia and turning back to children right before my eyes and I can't make them better. It's breaking my heart little by little. The day my dad is buried and my mom is in a nursing home will be the day. I am sure of it.

 

[Rickrock]

I hate to give advice because I am not trained to do so, but I will give some thoughts that I have. You talked about pain and negative thoughts, but try seeing good thoughts. How beautiful flowers are, how vast the sky is. How much you have been given and how you can help others, even anonymously. How you can use your talents to help others. I know that this is trite, but it might be a starting point. Good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

...The ONLY keeping me alive is my 81 y/o father and 80 y/o mother that depend on me to care for them. They are both slipping away with dementia and turning back to children right before my eyes and I can't make them better. It's breaking my heart little by little. The day my dad is buried and my mom is in a nursing home will be the day. I am sure of it.

This sounds like a good reason to get help- if not for yourself, then for your parents.

There's more options these days for that help. Because of the pandemic, many therapists are doing telemedicine, so help is just a video call away.

 

[frenchguy69]

Try to find some passions, do a sport that will lift your confidence in yourself, try to eat healthy, talk to people you know etc All this can help you. Stay strong