Dealing with the best friend...

[colemanshs]

So as some of you know, I met this really great guy back in November. I'm totally into him and he seems to be totally into me. We get along really well and I'm really excited about having met him. There's just one problem: the best friend.

Personally, I like the best friend. We've met a few times and he has not given me a reason to dislike him. I don't have a lot of free time with my work schedule and the little bit of time that I do have off, I would like to spend with my guy. But, as it has turned out lately, the time that I have off is also the time that the best friend has off so my guy is always with his BFF. I don't have a problem with them hanging out together but my guy doesn't want the three of us to hang out together. I assume it's to prevent either me or the BFF from feeling like a "third wheel."

I can't ask him to choose (not that I would even want to) because I know who he would choose, especially with this thing between us being so new. How can I convince my guy that I "play well with others" and I'll do my best to not make the BFF feel out of place? Have any of you been in an similar situation? Do I dare ask how it turned out?

 

[KaraBulut]

but my guy doesn't want the three of us to hang out together.

And you're sure that one of those "F"s in "BFF" doesn't stand for something besides "friend"?

 

[colemanshs]

Ok, maybe I could have worded that a little better. It's not that he doesn't want us to hang out together. I think it's more to avoid conflict with being too showy in front of his single friend. I can totally understand that. My problem is that he doesn't seem to know how to split up his time.

His BFF does know about us and how close we are. He has actually walked in on us, ummmm, in the moment so there's no question that he knows that I'm not just a friend.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I think it's more to avoid conflict with being too showy in front of his single friend.

So he's spending his spare time with his friend rather than you, so as not to hurt his friend's feelings? That doesn't sound right.

You're gonna have t otalk with your guy about this. Tell him you're cool with him spending time with his friend, but that it appears every time you finally get a spare moment, he's with him. And while it's cool that he doesn't want his friend to feel bad, you do really want some alone time with him. His friend should be cool with that.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

but my guy doesn't want the three of us to hang out together. I assume it's to prevent either me or the BFF from feeling like a "third wheel."

Nope. It is about control and his fear that you and the friend may end up liking one another on your own terms.

I think you need to gently insist that the three of you do things together. Any relationship where one partner feels the need to maintain exclusive friendships with an old friend is doomed.

 

[colemanshs]

*Update*

I forgot to tell you guys that he lives in upstate New York and the friend and I both live in New York City so anytime we get to see him is when we go upstate. For me it isn't a problem since I work for an airline and I can fly for free. The BFF has to drive about 5 hours or buy a plane ticket.

So we've been planning on me going to see him on Sunday and then I'll return to NYC on Wednesday afternoon. I was already going to wait until Sunday evening to fly in because the BFF was going to be there. So I sent my guy the flight information about when I would arrive and need to be picked up. He wrote back and said that the BFF just told him that he'd like to stay until Monday and asked me if I could wait until Monday to come. Needless to say, I was pissed.

I didn't write back. He finally called about 45 minutes later and asked if I'd gotten the email and I told him that I had. We talked for a few minutes and my answers were very short and I could tell that he knew that I was upset. He finally asked me what was wrong so I told him. I told him that I thought that it was unfair to me to always be the one that got put off when he could never tell the BFF no. I told him that I had absolutely no problem with the three of us hanging out together. He said that he didn't want either of us to feel left out especially since we'd come so far to see him. He finally said that I could come on Sunday and the three of us would spend time together.

In a way I feel like I've just opened a can of worms. I really, really like this guy and now I feel like he thinks I'm this "it's all about me" type of person, which I am not. So he said that he would call today to let me know if the BFF is going to be there. I actually want him to be there because I feel like if I'm going to be serious with my guy (which it is getting extremely serious) I need to get to know his BFF as well. Plus, I believe that you don't really know a person until you see him interacting with others. I know that he acts differently around me just like I do around him. I really want to get to know the real him and I think that this could be one of the best ways to do it.

 

[G-Lexington]

Sounds like things might be going forward. I'd urge you not to play the passive-aggressive game, though. If something IS bothering you, don't not-call and give short, curt answers. Don't force him to say "Is something wrong?" Take the initiative, and ask if you can talk to him about it.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I concur with Lex.

I just have the feeling that there's more to this story. It's difficult to juggle long-time friends and lovers... but not this difficult.

BFF. I still wonder if that "F" stands for just a "friend"

 

[colemanshs]

I concur with Lex.

I just have the feeling that there's more to this story. It's difficult to juggle long-time friends and lovers... but not this difficult.

BFF. I still wonder if that "F" stands for just a "friend"

I've wondered myself how the two of them met myself. We usually don't talk about him so that conversation has never come up.

I know that he was in a previous 10 year relationship that ended about 2 years ago so I assume the BFF was there for him after it ended (at this point in time I'm only assuming emotionally). Even if the two of them did have a history I'm not so sure I'd be that upset about it as long as I knew that it was in the past.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. I really do appreciate your insight into the situation.

 

[rareboy]

I think he's having an affair.

 

[Gooey45]

what you gotta do is become friends with his bff if ya both live in the same area.Just chill with his bff leave him out of it .You gotta take the initiative to brake that because you are the one getting hurt not the bff not your man you the third wheel.If you become friends with his bff then it be great ya both go up there together chill or what not and then when the friend goes to sleep ya got your together time and if the friend wants to join in heck that be great too but you or his friend wont feel left out .

 

[colemanshs]

Well we talked about it and he brought up some really good points. He said that he couldn't ditch his BFF because they've been friends for such a long time and he doesn't even know where things are going with us. I totally agree with that.

However after he explained his side I told him that next time we make plans he shouldn't cancel them unless it's absolutely necessary.

There's a lot more to the story but I've been flying all day and I'm really exhausted but I've decided (probably against my better judgement) that I'm going to see him upstate on Monday and I'll come back to the city on Wednesday afternoon. We're going to have a lot of talking to do and I told him that.

For a while I told him that I was thinking about not coming (since I was thinking about going to sunny Puerto Rico instead--gotta love flight benefits!) and he seemed really upset about it. I want to go and have this talk with him so that I'll know where things are and where they are headed. That way I'll know soon enough whether or not he's really into this thing between us. I really hope he is but at the same time I'm preparing for the worst so that I'll be surprised when the best happens.

 

[Luka]

I cant speak from experience cause ive actually never been in a realtionship with a girl or guy (not that id be in one with a girl anyway, lol) but from my point of view, if the guy really likes you he should be paying way more attention to you. Is it possible his best friend is in love with him? I dunno, like i said i really have no idea.

 

[colemanshs]

I've had the same thoughts about the friend being in love with him. I honestly couldn't tell you.

When we talked the other day he mentioned that at the moment he's going to chose the BFF over me because the two of them have been friends for years and he has no clue where things are going to go between us.

Since my guy is from another country he said that the BFF is really the only person that he has here in the states--the BFF is basically his only family. I totally understand that and, if I have to, I would probably chose my friend over him as well.

I told him that I understood that but if we make plans in advanced I expect him to follow through with them unless he absolutely cannot. He agreed and said that it wouldn't happen again. He sounded really upset that I was upset and I told him that everything was fine this time but not to expect me to be so nice next time.

I really like this guy but if he's always going to choose the BFF, I'm outta here. I'm not always going to come in second place. He agreed. We'll see how things go after our next talk when I go to see him on Monday.