Dear Diary

[Little Lion Man]

I have to watch what I say and do, honestly, does it bother me? It eats away at me constantly. Do you understand the time and patients that’s under me? My counterfeit persona has to be exact, stepping out of the house, rehearsed, intact. Can’t slip up, no, we can’t have that. Can’t have normal conversations, because when people talk about significant others, I have to try and sidestep those questions. Two full time jobs, gets exhausting, can’t quit either, would be broke and would finally have lost it. See, first ones real work, the others in my mind, It’s a constant job for me to tell you my lies. Sometimes I slip up, so I run and hide. But keep too quite people get suspicious, you get worried you’re going to be outed and finished. To keep on going along, it’s a lot of patience, exhaustion sets in, now I feel wasted. What’s life like outside of this bubble, my mind wonders what it’s like to be normal. Instead most of my life is actually lived behind this screen, you see this is where I can be me. But outside this electronic box I have to be that perfect example of what society sees, only to keep thinking about the person that I know whose trying to get out of me. I do have a partner and I love him dearly, he is someone that can love me for me, really. But locked in this closet it feels like hell. I’m a good person, I try to live right and still I’m afraid to have my secret come into the light. My life is illustrated with fear, pain, abuse and hatred, it’s funny, my life’s only started and I wonder can I make it?


Just in a weird mood tonight and decided to write what I was feeling.

 

[Ganoderma]

Tough situation. Is your partner also closeted? Why not stop bothering what people around you think about the one you love? What would happen?

You don't have a girlfriend/wife, and you don't pretend to have one, so how do you know for sure that all people around you (including the girls) are still sure that you are 'single, straight, and looking around for a nice girlfriend'? What's your age? What happens with the girls around you who are flirtering with you?

I feel very sorry that you are living in this situation. Would you mind to tell us abit more about yourself? Age, place of living, type of work, background of your family, etc.

What's the opinion of your partner about your situation?

Good luck and feel free to react.

 

[Little Lion Man]

Yes, he is also closeted. We both work for the Government and I will leave it at that. I try to be as much of myself as possible, but unfortunately not everyone is as open minded and accepting as others. If I were to stop caring and just come out, I think most would be accepting, but the few that wouldn't, are the ones that I need to be, job and safety wise. I don't lead on that I have a girlfriend and I usually just try to stay so busy with work that people cannot ask questions. I live with my roommate to the outside world, but to me he is my partner. I'm 22, and unfortunately stuck in a tough situation and cannot just pick up and go.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Little Lion Man,

Thanks alot for your nice and friendly reply, and no problem at all that you gave some general answers. Be aware that you are free to share what you want, and also free not to share what you don't want. The above information is good enough to get a more clear picture about yourself. In general, people over here can advise you better when they know abit about the background.

I am glad to read that you are not 35 or 40 or something like that. I tend to think that you can continu for quite a while with the 'roommate' story.

An age of 22 is also not yet an age that people around you (including the girls) will find it odd that you don't -yet- have a girlfriend, as you can provide them with various 'reasons' why you postpone getting a girlfriend. (eg first want to work on a good carrier, finish your study, etc.). Its different for guys who are in their late 20ties (and above).

Your profile indicates that you are living in the US (Florida), and I have the idea that its not too tough to live as an open gay in the US, and as well as en employee working for the US Goverment. Do you have a reli-fundi family? Are you still dependent on them (in a financial way)? Any moment when you will be financially independent?

The concept of 'roommate' is an elegant way to introduce your partner to other people (including family and work), but is does not work on the long term. How is your relation with your family, and how about the background of your partner?

Do you really think you will be fired when it becomes obvious that your 'roommate' is in fact your partner? Are you afraid people will beat you / throw you in jail when it becomes obvious that you are gay?

What's the opinion of your partner about the current situation? Are there public places (of friends) in your surroundings where you don't need to pretend that you are there with your 'roommate'?

Well, alot of questions. Feel free to react, and no need at all to answer them.

Please be aware that people on JUB can offer you alot of help. So don't hesitate to ask any question you have.

 

[Seasoned]

The first thing to do is check the non-discrimination policy at your workplace. For which government do you work? If you know for a fact you could be fired for being out then, in order to work there, you'll have to find plenty of supportive friends outside the workplace so that your home can be your sanctuary. If your fears are based on perception rather than fact it is in your best interests to change that perception.

 

[loveguys72]

The first thing to do is check the non-discrimination policy at your workplace. For which government do you work? If you know for a fact you could be fired for being out then, in order to work there, you'll have to find plenty of supportive friends outside the workplace so that your home can be your sanctuary. If your fears are based on perception rather than fact it is in your best interests to change that perception.

Excellent advice. I'd also add, when and how to come out is your decision. Since you have a partner, you both should talk about this, especially how the whole "double life" thing is making you feel. I suspect it's not only hard on you, it's hard on him and hard on your relationship. You don't need to make dramatic declarations to be out. Sometimes, just presenting it as a fact of life and moving on is the best course. So, when your coworkers are talking about what they did this weekend, feel free to just say "Mike and I did XXXXX."

"Who's Mike?"

"He's my partner."

"I didn't know you're gay!"

"Now you do."

The less of a "thing" you make over it, the less of a "thing" it will be. You'll be amazed at how much stress and anxiety goes away from your life when you're honest about who you are.

You're in a tough place right now. I wish you and your partner both the best.

 

[rareboy]

The best way to come out is to relax.

Even the way you write indicates someone as tightly wound as they could possibly be.

I also agree that you may be creating your own prison. And that you first have to completely accept yourself and partner as a homo couple with just as much value and worth as all the hetero couples out there.

You need to work on self-worth and confidence first.