Dear family: I'm gay and I've left for Vancouver

[JackFTwist]

Moving is easy, especially with $15,000 whn you graduate - hop on a train to a place where you have gotten yourself a job as you do the job search thing senior year.

I am not so sure that leaving the note is the best thing to do - but it might.

I am a broken record on this today but if you are in chool, you have some sort of student health service and there should be a couselor there you can hook up with in privacy - I spent my year of grad school before leaving for internship all about counseling, it paid off a lot, and cost me nothing as a student and no one ever had a clue because it was just a school thing I was doing. Got me in a good place before I moved away the first time, dealing with loss issues, anger at the parents, and fear and anxiety issues leaving my life and friends behind and all that. And it paid off for what was then the hapiest of years... never would have happened without the preparation in counseling.

You will graduate - if Toronto is not the place to stay for you, as a gay man, then that whole job search thing for after graduation gives you so many opportunities - my prayers will be with you and keep us all posted!

and do the school-supplied counseling thing - it will be worth it.

 

[Soilwork]

OK, I'm confused.

why would you leave Toronto, a city with an incredibly diverse gay community full of different people, scenes, activites and fun and move to a city with a boring and barely existant gay community to come out?

Why not go join one of the gay bowling leagues or hockey teams or softball teams (in the spring) or just go check out some of the social scene down on Church Street?

I mean, vancouver is a great city if you just want to sit around and drink coffee and look at mountains while you go on and on about how lame Toronto is, but you can actually DO stuff in Toronto.

 

[M4P]

After reading your post I gather you've decided to move to a new city where nobody knows you

Before you pack up and move away I strongly suggest, and I know you're not comfortable with this, seeking assistance from a counsellor. There are benefits to living in large cities - you can do this and still maintain privacy and confidentiality. Grab the phone book and look up the number for a Toronto GLBT community service line. They can most likely direct you to an agency that can give you a hand

Please, take some time to get comfortable with yourself as a gay man before you run away to another city. It might be helpful to you to read some of the threads in JUB's Coming Out forum. And, post often - there are a lot of caring guys here with a wealth of advice and understanding that is completely free

Good luck my friend

 

[Soilwork]

But... sorry.. Why?

Is it the proxemity to your family?

Is it that you'll be able to focus on yourself on those countless boring nights you sit by the phone waiting for it to ring?

Why Vancouver?

Where do you go to school?

 

[JackFTwist]

I'm a huge toronto raptors fan

Now that is another reason for counseling...


I can see leaving Toronto - sometimes it is good to move. I didn't start out in Michigan,

 

[Soilwork]

you go to Ryerson?

Dude, for fuck's sake, the 519 gay community center is so close I'm amazed you haven't stepped in it yet.

Just walk north of college, go to that coffee shop at Church and Alexander, have a seat, have a coffee and read a book. someone might talk to you.

go buy a book at This Ain't the rosedale Library.

Have a beer at Woody's.

you know there are much worse things than being gay in Toronto.

Like living in Vancouver. (sorry.. had to get one more dig in)

 

[JackFTwist]

Yes. I think it is the proximity to my family. Why Vancouver? because it's easier to find a job in finance in a major city and it was between calgary and vancouver and I'd rather the latter. I go to ryerson university

I have a buddy who is thinking of going to Ryerson next year, he is in school in his home area of Banff and wants to transfer.

He's a Miami Heat fan, too, which I think is digusting (go Pistons!).

 

[tallguy297]

Hi Shows,

Mate...why do you think that you could go back to Toronto after you've gone to Vancouver? Why do you think that having a physical distance is going to change the way people feel about you, accept you and love you? Personally I think it matters not one bit where you go...but its the fact that you feel you need to go. And being alone in a city of strangers is not the easiest way to start your new life without the support of those who love and care for you?

In a way I'm glad you've got a year and a half to go before you need to follow through on your plan.

Shows, people think more of you than you realise. The people around you care deeply for you. And if your sister is bi then you already have a huge head start on most guys dealing with accepting themselves as gay. You have a loved one who has gone through what you are going through. She of all people will understand.

You need to take this a day at a time. Theres no need to rush things, theres nothing to prove to anyone. The most critical thing here is that you grow to love yourself and accept yourself first. And if that takes one week, one month or one decade it doesnt matter.

Being gay doesnt change you...your values and morals, your strengths and weakness are all still the same...your love for bball will still be there, your love of family and friends. What changes is how you relate to the people who love and care for you. When you can share your true self, your real feelings and emotions without fear, when you can show who you really are to those you care most for...they get to see you. The real you...the decent honest trusting and caring guy that you are.

Your family will have questions, responses and concerns for you when you come out to them. Like you they will have a range of emotions and feelings that really are best dealt with them face to face. We all think that our families will take the news badly...and some do. But the vast majority of families just want their children to be happy. Thats all that parents want for their children. Happiness.

Take a look through the threads here Shows. Others have felt like you and have been where you are. But with support and understanding have taken the first few steps to happiness. Read their stories, their fears and their triumphs. Most of all read how their families and friends have reacted to their coming out. Take heart from the goods and bad in every story.

You are not alone. And you are better than running away. Your happiness is whats important here...you deserve to be surrounded by people who love and cherish the real you, in a place where you have safety and comfort - your home.

Just take one day at a time...

 

[pocoloco78]

Why should you run away from problems that not even seem to be there ? Can't you tell your family and see what their reaction is. If it is a bad one... you can still move over to another city.

If their reaction is positive, you can stay in the city you love, a city with a very active gay-life, a beautiful city...

Please overthink your plan. It might be the right thing to do at this moment, but I am sure there are other options.

 

[backpacker]

Why leave Toronto? Toronto is so large all you have to do is move across town to be away from people you know. If you are going to come out, then why do you need to move away? You won't have anything to hide. I guess I just don't understand the need to move far away. It feels like you are running away from something, but things will probably be the same in Vancouver as they are in Toronto. You will still need to worry about running into people you know. Given that Vancouver is smaller, your odds of running into people you know are higher.

The advice of checking out the gay scene in Toronto is a good one. Why waste 1 1/2 of your life being totally in the closet. If you happen to run into someone you know in the gay village, there is a reason why they are there. You have more in common with them then you knew. The recommendation to obtain some counselling is a good one. Your plan just seems a little misguided.

If you are hell bent on moving to another city, I suggest you check out Boston or New York. Both have a good job market for finance majors, an active gay community and visiting Toronto will be far easier.

Good luck!

 

[3nipples]

This idea of yours to run away so you won't have to face anybody knowing the "terrible news" about you is a clue that you still have a way to go in your struggle to come out to yourself.

The fact of the matter is that you'll be struggling with the same you anywhere on the planet, so you might as well come to grips with yourself in TO.

 

[stonegrill]

Hi, I have the second that.

I work in the finance industry in vancouver. There is simply no industry. You have to consider how you are going to live here alone. You have any relative living in Vancouver?

Vancouver is a good place to live and enjoy life, but in terms of living and gay activities, Toronto should be the better.

OK, I'm confused.

why would you leave Toronto, a city with an incredibly diverse gay community full of different people, scenes, activites and fun and move to a city with a boring and barely existant gay community to come out?

Why not go join one of the gay bowling leagues or hockey teams or softball teams (in the spring) or just go check out some of the social scene down on Church Street?

I mean, vancouver is a great city if you just want to sit around and drink coffee and look at mountains while you go on and on about how lame Toronto is, but you can actually DO stuff in Toronto.

 

[stonegrill]

By the way, you should test the water with the university exchange program. since you have 1 and a half yr before grauduation, you have time to apply for student exchange. It isn't wise to leave your family and friends because you won't find those support in other cities. hope things are good for you.

 

[hermanding]

in the year and half left in toronto, try not to definitely decide to relocate to the west. see if you can connect with the gay groups there. you are in an international capitol with everything. if you meet some people, when the degree comes, leaving may have seemed like an idea in the prehistoric past. at this time, it would seem that you would have no kind of support available to you on the other side of the country that doesn't already exist in toronto. think about it for a while - please
ding

 

[luminum]

I think it'd be better to see what happens and save moving away as the option if things turn out badly. Stepping out of the possible line of fire before anything happens shows a distrust of your family (including your bi sister). Are you really so afraid of what could happen?

 

[Riverrick]

One other suggestion. Stick around JUB for the next year and a half. Start posting and getting to know guys. You know us already!

I think that you just haven't come to grips with your homosexuality. After all, you are only out to yourself. How much can you learn from yourself? Slowly you will grow and evolve and become more comfortable. Soon you will be writing to tell us of the gay guys you have met and the new places you have been going.

Take it slow and put your idea for Vancouver on hold for now. And by the way, Welcome!

 

[theFallenGod]

OK heres a little of my 2 cents.... When push comes to shove sometimes going someplace new is worth it... me for example...I moved from one of the worst states in the U.S. to here in Toronto..... and I am extremely happy with that move...gave me exactly what I needed.....

However...

I have noticed that this city is definitely one of the most comfortable cities in which to be gay in.... since I have been here I have neither felt nor seen any animosity towards the community.... there are so many places with which can go to to be comfortable here....

I understand the difficulty in coming out to family members.... it was something I struggled with and even now my grandmother still doesn't know.... however it doesn't seem like your family is the problem...it seems more like you are....please take no offence to that... what I mean by that statement is you need to become more comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable around your family...whom I think...considering this is the most diverse city on the planet... would have hardly an inkling of hate for you...especially if your sister is already out.... I agree here with what Soil says.... go to the gaybourhood... meet other gay people ...get involved with the gay community... when you do that and see that they aren't that different you will become more comfortable with yourself and have an easier time coming out to family.... trust me...it works....

 

[VICTORIADON]

Sometime in the next 1 1/2 years take a couple of weeks off and FLY out here to the coast and see how you like it. "Come out", have fun, find out how superficial the guys in Van are, almost as bad as the W Hoe crowd, see if there are any job opps then go back to T.0. and think about it. Once you have come out out here it should be alot easier coming out out there, you should feel more comfortable about walking into a gay pub or club there once you have done so elswhere.

 

[elra]

If the above post wasn't pretty much bang on, I'd be mildly insulted.