Dear Mom and Dad,

[Elworth]

So, I just got off of work and I'm going to talk to my Mom in a minute. I'm not going to confront her. I feel it's going to be more along the lines of pleading with her.

I need them to love me independent of their religion. They can believe whatever they want, but they also need to believe in me as a human being and love me for who I am, 2 things that are very important in my life.

Ultimately, I don't think I could ever completely burn the bridges with my parents, but unfortunately, one of the big issues that I am having to deal with right now is loving myself and it is all the more difficult to do that when I feel like my own parents are ashamed of me.

Thanks for the support guys!

Nate

 

[tallguy297]

You have our support Nate...no matter the outcome. I hope it all goes well and you find its just a huge misunderstanding with your parents not knoing how much you are hurting.

All the best mate...let us know how you got on.

 

[Riverrick]

Elworth, I have read this entire thread and I think you are one of the most honest and aware guys that I've ever seen here on JUB. I think your letter was beautiful, well written, and on the money. And personally, I would have loved it if you had send it.

Point by point, you are right on the mark. Your parents are putting their needs ahead of yours, their need to avoid shame and fear ahead of your need to feel loved. They should be challenging themselves to grow emotionally now more than ever since their lack of growth has created a wall between you and them. And I agree, as long as they view your sexual orientation as a sin it will be a stumbling block to be able to love you with their whole heart and souls.

Second, even though they repeatedly state their love for me, they rarely give me any support. They express shame rather than pride when they push aside telling their own 12 year old daughter that their older brother is gay.

I think you are absolutely right to feel upset about this. The message is that this part of you is so bad that they dare not tell your 12 year old sister, that it would be too much for her or harm her. Its a slap in the face.

I can't continue living my life fighting for their love. As parents, I would have thought that no matter what happens, your child is still your child. I haven't been silent on this issue for three years, but I haven't been a loudmouth either. I can't continue to believe in a relationship with my parents that is unconditionally loving if they continue to act the way that they do. It has affected every part of my life, including my education, my dreams, my goals and my future.

I totally support you doing whatever is necessary in order to save yourself. I admire you for being so aware of the source of your depression. You clarity is truly stunning.

Good luck with talking to your mother. Its strange, but I sense that your self-esteem is already greater than that of your parents.

 

[Soilwork]

Yeah, it eventually has to come to that.

when your parents say "I love you" but then tell you to hide who and what you are from people, it's pretty obvious that you're really just the family embarrassment and they love their public image a lot more than they will ever love you.

Some times you realy need to slap people in the face just to get their attention.

 

[RicanDAB]

Elworth,

Personally, I think the best thing for you is to create some distance between you and your parents after you have exhausted your conversations with them and after you realize that you have done all you could to help them to think differently about you and to love you irrespectively as their flesh and blood. Like they say, you cannot squeeze blood from a turnip (which I believe applies more to money matters but the same concept applies here).

Creating a distance on a clear conscience will give you the opportunity to see life and find the love you are looking for - at the same time it will give your parents space to reexamine their values and how their actions have affected you, if they are so inclined. I agree that you would be taking a big chance by giving them space and not getting any response from that. But then you have to decide what would make you happier: staying in this situation that causes you grief or obtaining a chance and finding unconditional love?

Your family will always be your family, but that does not mean they have rule on your life once you are grown. It takes time and space for families to accept things like this and I think this is one of those cases.

You're a brave young man and I trust you will have thought out thngs thoroughly before you act

 

[Elworth]

After all of the hubbub I have created, I feel somewhat foolish. The letter was an indication of how I felt at the time, and a much needed outlet for my emotions. However, I have realized that I was searching for some aspect of my life that seems to make me unhappy to justify my feelings of self-worthlessness and lack of affection, and the situation I saw through my eyes was not that of reality.

I didn't give my Mom the letter, but I asked if I could talk to her. It felt kind of odd, as she was somewhat busy watching Oprah and cleaning house, but I asked her to turn off the TV and she obliged. I then started into how I don't feel loved and how they need to love me independent of their religion. I realized last night as I talked to her, that my views were very misguided. She loves me the same as always. My sister walked in the door as we started our conversation, and I felt rather strange, as I didn't really want her to be witness to what I was saying. I got frustrated as I have a hard time articulating my feelings when I'm on thew spot like that, and I ended up turning away and gathering my things to go to a friend's house for a party.

My Mother followed me into my room (the door to my room is in the room we had been standing in) and told me that she did love me and didn't realize that all of this was happening. She was saddened by the fact that I had to deal with this, and told me that I probably felt unloved because she is never home.

I then understood that it wasn't that she didn't love me, and that she wasn't trying to connect with me and my life, but that she had no time to do so. She has a very demanding job, and she is always on the run with many things to do. She just got a new job, which she should start within the month, and it will help a lot with the time issue.

I still haven't talked to my Dad about it, but I think I can handle not knowing how he feels. I've always been closer to my Mom.

All in all, I realized that maybe there is something going on within me that is making this an issue. I have a full time job and I go to school full time, so I don't have much time for anything else. I think that I am just starving for some good friends and affection in my life, as most of the friends I've had in the past have faded away.

Thank you all for your time and I appreciate the concern. I need to start looking deeper to understand what is really going on.

Nate

 

[thermodynamics]

That's great to hear. Things will get better!

 

[Riverrick]

Nate, I'm glad you got to talk to your mother some but a little disappointed that it was interrupted before you could say what was on your mind more fully.

I'm sure that your depression IS multifaceted, as you have pointed out. Personally, I wouldn't drop the subject completely with your parents. There is an issue there and, after reading your letter, I think it is probably important to you to know exactly how they feel and have your questions answered to your satisfaction.

Please don't be embarrassed about bringing this topic to this forum. Our relationships with out parents shape us and our future relationships for the rest of our lives. There is nothing more important that you could bring up in here.

As a matter of fact, because of your post I called my own mother today and talked about being gay, how the church (her's) feels about it, and where that leaves her in all of this. I came out to her years ago but there are areas that I just don't really know how she feels. And I got a few more answers today than I'd had before.

Good luck! Let us know how you are doing.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Nate,

Rick is dead right in what he says above, and they are sentiments that we all share...dont feel embarrassed, feel proud of your strength in facing the issue and being honest with yourself and your mum.

But most of all, try and finish the conversation with your mum. You've opened that door to a newer and deeper relationship with her now based on that honesty...let her be your mum. Let her help and guide you...as an adult now. Talk to her Nate...let her in. She sounds like she really just didnt know...and now I'll bet she wants to know.

I'm so glad that you are on the path to sorting this out. Family matters can be the cause of so much heartbreak...I'm glad you came through this knowing that you have the love and support you deserve.

 

[Elworth]

So, just a minor update.

I went into my work with my sister today, and was able to show off my 6 week old niece to everyone I work with. The manager I work under noticed how content the baby was and remarked how I would make a wonderful father. I don't think I've felt that proud or excited in a long time. It makes me want one of my own.

I then went to a movie with my whole family, after which we ate dinner together. Then we went and saw the lights on Temple Square while we were downtown. I had a really great time, and as we were headed back to our cars, I got to say a few words to my Mom. She said she understood how I felt and that it is always kind of awkward when you are my age and you have a different life situation than the rest of your family.

I told her that I understood that there was probably something else in my life causing my depression. I think that I am just more lonely than anything, and I don't feel like anyone really knows me anymore. I also told her I was jealous of all the people holding hands in the mall we were in, and that it had been like 8 months since I'd been on a date. She was incredibly receptive to what I was saying and really did seem to care. I just don't think I'd really let her have a chance to realize what I was feeling emotionally.

Now, I'm even more intent on finding a boyfriend. I won't just go with the first guy I meet, but I am ready to have a relationship, especially so that I can be romantic. I think I have some talent for writing, I like poetry, and I'd really like to have someone to write to.

Thanks again guys. I really think that I just need to be more open about my feelings with my family.

Nate

 

[Zeremonie]

Nate you are a talented writer. Hope that your parents will come around still. It was a beautifully written letter ... and your mom didn't see it? Good luck.

 

[Riverrick]

Great job Nate! Sounds like you covered a lot of ground with your mother. And those were important points you discussed, IMO.

It sounds to me like she is listening and trying. That's really a big plus as this is not always the case for guys who are coming out. I'm really impressed that you were able to talk to her so openly about dating.

Let us know how you are doing. It does help to talk about this stuff.