Dear Old Dad

[cliffdweller]

I've never posted anything like this on here, but I have to vent about this somewhere, and maybe somebody here can relate somehow.

background: My parents divorced when I was really little and I was raised mostly by my mom; she was kind enough to wait until I was mostly out of the house to begin her descent into alcohol & prescription drug abuse and general craziness, but that's another story.

My dad and I have never been close. He was never around much, for one thing - he's always been very flighty, tho not really irresponsible (never any issues with child support, etc. - he's a software engineer and fairly upper middle class). When I came out to him, he simply asked if I'd ever been with a girl, and said that maybe I should try it before I decided anything.

/background

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. Not sure how my dad got wind of this, but he did, and he called me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. I had previously not or spoken to my dad in 4 years (which is not unusual). He informed me that he was going to be in town and wanted to visit me - okay, this was seriously out of character for my dad and I thought maybe he was dying or something.

So, cut to the visit. My dad tells me that he's been seeing a therapist. This is pretty much the equivalent of Sarah Palin deciding to become a Democrat; truly earth-shattering. He goes into this spiel about how he knows he's never been a great dad, but he loves me and wants to have a closer relationship with me. I kept vacillating between wanting to cry, and wanting to ask him what planet he came from and what had he done with my real dad.

He told me he knew he hadn't been supportive when I came out, but that he just wants me to be happy, etc. And he started asking questions about my recently ended relationship, and what I was looking for in a guy, and all that, which was really weird because he's always been kind of uncomfortable anytime the subject of my being gay has ever been brought up.

He stayed for a couple of days, and I actually enjoyed spending time with him, which again is...weird. This is not my dad. My dad was always a little freaked out by the fact that he'd fathered a child and consequently was always kind of uncomfortable around me, like he didn't know what to do with me or something. But the guy who came to visit me wasn't anything like that. He was actually a lot of fun.

And he sent me a touch-feely e-mail when he got home.

Can anyone relate to this? Is he going through a mid-life crisis or something? It just seems so bizarre...good, but bizarre.

 

[Telstra]

People changed and your dad changed, good for him and you.

Now dad/son relationship as in porno ?

 

[ibill1]

You're a lucky guy. You got your dad back. Run with it. We only get one. He fucked up when he was younger, seems he knows that now. Forgive him if you can and build on that. I was fortunate to have a great dad and miss him since his passing.

 

[Puzuzzu]

Honestly, I'm glad your dad came around, regardless of why

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

Be thankful and grateful for what you have been given. Don't try to figure out why he changed. Maybe he never did. Maybe he couldn't articulate his feelings properly or whatever. What is important is that you have him back in your life... I envy you that.
__________________

yup - just run with it - don't try to analyze it too much --

keep the "lines of communication" open -- don't cut the wires --
you can't get this time back -

i waited like 20 years for my Dad to have time for me - he was always too busy -- then i moved away - i saw him once in over 18 years -- then a short visit like 12 years later -- and once more a few years ago -before he died-- guess I can quit waiting for him to have time for me now -

but you have your Dad available to you for whatever it's worth -so use the time wisely -and make a friend of him if you can. maybe he can relate to you better now that you are an adult. people can change. you're one of the lucky ones.

 

[cliffdweller]

Thanks, y'all. Yeah, I guess I shouldn't second guess it and just be glad. Which I am, don't get me wrong. We've talked on the phone a couple of times since he left, which we have literally never done. I'm still sort of amazed that this is my dad. lol

 

[geloge]

Enjoy this second chance, not everyone get it.

 

[cliffdweller]

So, I hopped on a plane last week and spent a few days with my dad (he's in Colorado, I'm in Texas). I'm still getting used to him being anything resembling comfortable with my sexuality, so imagine my shock when he asked me if I wanted to go to a gay bar. With him. So, I sort of snapped and asked what all this was about - suddenly being okay with having a gay son, asking me about my relationships with guys, and now inviting me out to a gay bar. It was then that he dropped this little bomb: my dad has apparently "been with guys," as he put it. And this is something he's been talking to his therapist about. He thinks he might be bisexual, but he's not entirely sure.

I tried not to act all freaked out (not sure how successful I was), but it's...weird, to say the least. I mean, it's great that he's finally dealing with this, but I don't know if I want to go clubbing with my father. Part of me feels like a hypocritical scumbag for being weirded out by this.

Between ending a 5-year relationship, and this business with my dad, my world has been turned completely upside down in the past few months. Oy.

 

[teadrinker]

That's a bombshell, alright. It's one thing for a parent to come to terms with their child's sexuality, it's quite another thing - and as difficult - for a child to come to terms with a parent's sexuality, or a perceived change.

Good luck to you both.

-T.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

... and these are the Gays of Our Lives...

At what point did your life become a gay soap opera???

I don't blame ya for being weirded out... I mean, how many people go through this???

I did have a gay friend, whose dad was also gay. I went clubbing with them a few times... the whole thing seemed Twilight Zone to me. Man Hunting, and fighting over men with your DAD ???

I knew way too much INFO on his dad, cause he didn't hold anything back. LOL His dad liked to buy our drinks and watch us get drunk and rowdy.

Yeah, that should have been a red flag right there.

Definitely not a Brady Bunch episode.

Hopefully your dad doesn't come to you for sexual advice.

And hopefully you never find out if he's a top or bottom.

I doubt I can offer any sound advice, as I have no way of relating to this... but good luck, and keep us posted on your quest.

 

[giorgiobaby]

It's certainly not your typical situation. Good thing is your dad is reaching out to you and you bonded some. Now dealing with his sexuality(which ever one he chooses, but does he have to choose?) good luck with that. I'm sure you have some soul searching to do and things you have to think about. Good luck and hope things work out for the two of you

 

[cliffdweller]

I think I'd almost have reservations about getting used to it for fear that he'd snap back to his normal self as quickly as this extreme transformation took place.

This is what makes me the most apprehensive. Am I gonna become BFFs with him only to have him go back to his old self again? On the other hand, it's not like he read some book he saw on Oprah or something...he *seems* to be genuinely working on himself. Him seeing a therapist and admitting to anything like being sexually attracted to (to say nothing of sleeping with) guys is *huge* for him.

So I dunno. I'm treading carefully.

 

[BearBoi]

Sometimes as people get older, they stare down the double-barrel shotgun that is mortality, which most of us manage to ignore in blissful denial all our lives, and they wake up to the things that really and truly matter.

If your father has awoken from this life-long slumber, than he may have realized that you -- his son, the person -- is more important than any individual facet that may be a part of you. He may even have realized that all those facets are what makes you who you are.

So enjoy it. I'm sure there are many here who envy you. Your father is demonstrating a rare amount of clarity. Don't fear it; go with it. Let him take the lead, and keep yourself open to whatever he wants to explore. It sounds like he has had a lifetime of slumber to overcome. The world may have taken on a whole new set of colours for him.

In a way, being with him on this journey may allow you to re-discover the world for yourself.

I wish you both the best.

 

[cliffdweller]

He's not that old!

 

[cliffdweller]

Thought I'd post an update to this ongoing saga. lol

I spent a week w/ my dad in Colorado just before 4th of July. We had some pretty in-depth conversations and I found out way more about his sex life than I thought I'd ever know (or care to).

My mother always characterized him as a womanizer, which is part of the reason the whole "I've had sex with men" thing came as such a shock. But evidently, that's not the case. He told me he's only had one relationship with a woman since his divorce from my mother (in 1980), and it was on & off for a few years. He told me that when I came out to him, it was too close for comfort, and that he thinks his telling me I should sleep with girls "just to make sure" was more him talking to himself than to me. Which makes sense, I guess.

He's still saying he thinks he's bi, but it sounds more like he's gay to me, to be quite honest.

Beyond that, we're becoming pretty close. We discussed my possibly moving to Colorado (he was hinting pretty heavily that he wants me to live with him, but I'm not sure how I feel about that). I ended a long-term relationship recently, and am not real happy living in Texas anymore. I'm in a rut and need a change of scenery, so I'm actually considering this.

 

[cliffdweller]

I've worked around engineers of different sorts for most of my adult life. Most have a personable side when one is allowed access, but most haven't been able to, or haven't wanted to, develop social skills.

Parenting is the ultimate social skill. Think about it. It is the most intimate of relationships, with the potential to leave both parties extremely vulnerable, 24/7.

This is my dad, pretty much to a tee. I think his genuinely intimate relationships have been few and far between...sometimes I wonder if he's ever had one at all. He's a perfectly charming man when he lets his guard down.

 

[BearBoi]

He's still saying he thinks he's bi, but it sounds more like he's gay to me, to be quite honest.

That's pretty heavy. It can be an unnerving experience to have a parent look to you as their guide all of a sudden.

Beyond that, we're becoming pretty close. We discussed my possibly moving to Colorado (he was hinting pretty heavily that he wants me to live with him, but I'm not sure how I feel about that). I ended a long-term relationship recently, and am not real happy living in Texas anymore. I'm in a rut and need a change of scenery, so I'm actually considering this.

Then maybe that's what you need to do. If you describe your current situation as, 'a rut,' than something needs to change. That's the only way to break out of it. If a move would be good, even a temporary week or two trial, than perhaps it is worth a shot.

The worst that could happen is you find out that aren't good room mates and leave it at that. On the other hand, you might find it your relationship has changed from father/son to father-friend/son, and the move might open up a whole lot of opportunities you never knew existed.

You won't know until you try.

Thanks for the update! Please post another, if you'd like. It is great to see some continuity in your story, and it may help others in a similar situation, too.

 

[rjmrjm21]

People changed and your dad changed, good for him and you.

Now dad/son relationship as in porno ?

+1 that's exactly my thought. You daddy, who is an individual first and foremost, has matured and changed.

4 years? ughh

 

[Geoffboyardee]

Wows. That's a lot of family drama and love. Kind of makes me wish that I could be that close to my dad but ...

I dunno. :\

 

[cliffdweller]

4 years? ughh

Like I say, that's not unusual. And it's not as if he disappeared from the face of the earth. I'd hear about him via other relatives, just didn't speak to him myself.