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Dear Old Dad

Sew...I've decided to go ahead with this move. My lease ends Aug. 31, so I'll give notice at the end of this month. Now comes the fun part: deciding what crap to take with me, what to toss, and what to put in storage. I have every confidence that it will take me the entire six weeks to get it done. lol
 
Sew....I've officially made the move & have been living at my dad's house for about 3 weeks. So far, it's been pretty nice. He works quite a bit, so I have the place to myself most of the time. We've talked a lot.

He's still identifying as bi, but I've thought he was gay for awhile and after some trepidation, I told him that. His response was something along the lines of "I'm just not ready to make that leap." In other words, he didn't deny it at all. So there's some cognitive dissonance going on.

His parents died when I was little, so I didn't know much about them or my dad's childhood. Apparently, they were completely mum on the topic of sex and never discussed it with him, nor did he have any kind of sex ed. So he just inferred things from what he heard his friends talking about, and he was shockingly naive.

He told me that he thought he was straight b/c he thought girls were pretty, but when he had sex for the first time, he was a little disgusted by vagina. Instead of questioning his sexuality, he assumed that all guys thought it was a little disgusting, but that it was just what you did. ](*,)

Also, he remembers being attracted to guys, but he didn't think of it as sexual and it never occurred to him that he wanted to have sex with them, or that it was even possible for two men to have sex. He apparently had no concept of homosexuality until he was in his 20s. He heard guys call each other "fag" and "queer," but he didn't have any idea of what that meant, other that some vague notion of a guy being "girly."

Evidently, he first slept with a man after he & my mother divorced (about 30 years ago). He said his first time w/ a guy was amazing, but he didn't think of himself as gay b/c 1) he'd been with women (albeit only about 3 of them, including my mother, over the course of his entire life) and was "attracted" to them, and 2) he thought of gay guys more or less as crossdressers (in other words, he wasn't gay b/c he didn't carry a purse).

Apparently, when I came out to him he completely freaked the hell out, tho I never really knew that. All I remember is him telling me that I should sleep with a girl just to see if I liked it. He had some vague idea at that point that gay guys didn't all dress and act like women. He started to think of himself as bi after that, but had *major* issues with it. As the years went by, he got super depressed, and finally broke down and went to a therapist.

All this was told to me during one long-ass conversation we had the first week I moved in.

Anyway, the whole "dad is gay" thing isn't freaking me out anymore. I'm sad for him more than anything, but I really hope he can finally be happy now.
 
I am very hopeful for you both as this relationship develops over time. You come across as very mature and it is good your father has you to re-enforce his therapy. Please keep us posted.
 
My dad and I went out to eat on Thanksgiving. Like I think I mentioned, we live in the same house but don't see each other all that much b/c he's a crazy workaholic (although that seems to be slackening off a bit). He's been on dates with a couple of different guys since I've been living here, which was weird for me to see at first, but now it's like we're roommates more than anything else. He said that he had never really been on a "date" with another man before now, but that he felt more comfortable and more himself on those dates than he ever had. At one point in the conversation, he actually referred to himself as "gay," (previously, he'd described himself as bi, and only then with a lot of trepidation). I was surprised, but didn't bring it up, even though I was thrilled that he seems to be finally admitting to himself what I've suspected all along.

We discussed the cop I've been on a couple of dates with...he didn't come right out and say it, but he doesn't seem pleased with the idea of my dating someone. I dunno if it's because he's afraid of losing his free "housesitter," or if it's something else. Could he be jealous? Why?
 
cliffdweller said:
My dad and I went out to eat on Thanksgiving. Like I think I mentioned, we live in the same house but don't see each other all that much b/c he's a crazy workaholic (although that seems to be slackening off a bit). He's been on dates with a couple of different guys since I've been living here, which was weird for me to see at first, but now it's like we're roommates more than anything else. He said that he had never really been on a "date" with another man before now, but that he felt more comfortable and more himself on those dates than he ever had. At one point in the conversation, he actually referred to himself as "gay," (previously, he'd described himself as bi, and only then with a lot of trepidation). I was surprised, but didn't bring it up, even though I was thrilled that he seems to be finally admitting to himself what I've suspected all along.

We discussed the cop I've been on a couple of dates with...he didn't come right out and say it, but he doesn't seem pleased with the idea of my dating someone. I dunno if it's because he's afraid of losing his free "housesitter," or if it's something else. Could he be jealous? Why?
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You could always ask him. He seems open to communication. I'd be curious to know, too.

Please keep us posted. This dynamic has always intrigued and puzzled me, in part because the irony of a gay man siring another gay man is just... ironic. I have no idea what it would be like, as a gay man, to have a gay parent, especially a gay (biological) father. I always imagined it would kind of knit the relationship, since I often felt a certain dissonance when relating to my Father. On the other hand, the gay-gay plus biological father-son aspect and the possibility of developing that very personal romantic or sexual attraction (which you're not "supposed" to have) and that it might further be reciprocated terrified me! What do you do then? You're both consenting adults, but does that make it okay?! On the other hand, is it right to avoid it if it's mutual?!

I think the oddest moment I ever had along these lines was with my Mother. Shortly after my parents divorced, she started dating, so saw her hair stylist--apparently a gay man. I guess they started chatting about the "whole gay thing"--I always thought (or hoped), rather selfishly, that this was because I'd recently come out to her, and she was gathering information and trying to understand and relate to it. At any rate, somehow her stylist ended up confiding that he had a spunk-strewn sweater from his ex or something and that he'd once buried his nose in it and taken a deep breath. She asked me point blank if I would do it / it was normal for gays to do that. My first thought was "Isn't this conversation a little inappropriate to have with your underage son?" But I answered along the lines of, if you'd loved someone, and you'd lost him and missed him dearly, and you had something as intimate as a specimen of his love juice, wouldn't you vicariously reminisce in the privacy of your own home?!

But, yeah, keep us posted. #fascinated
 
Yves Grey said:
You could always ask him. He seems open to communication. I'd be curious to know, too.
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Generally he is, but he can still be touchy about certain things, and it's not always easy to figure out which things. He will still instinctively clam up when I bring up certain things, but sometimes he'll realize (sometimes immediately) what he's doing and then start to open up.

It's definitely been interesting, to say the least. He was never a huge father figure in my life (somewhat, but not too much), and since I've been living with him, sometimes it feels like I'm the parent rather than the other way around, especially when it comes to gay and/or relationship issues. I'm not entirely comfortable with that, but it is what it is.

He's a good person with a lot of eccentricities, basically.

I always imagined it would kind of knit the relationship, since I often felt a certain dissonance when relating to my Father.
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We are definitely much, much closer now than we ever were at any point while I was growing up. We have more in common (besides being gay) than I would've ever expected, and I've come to realize that he and I are much more similar, personality-wise, than I ever thought or would have admitted. I genuinely *like* the man, setting aside the fact that he's my father. He's become a good friend.

On the other hand, the gay-gay plus biological father-son aspect and the possibility of developing that very personal romantic or sexual attraction (which you're not "supposed" to have) and that it might further be reciprocated terrified me! What do you do then? You're both consenting adults, but does that make it okay?! On the other hand, is it right to avoid it if it's mutual?!
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This is kind of a weird topic with me. That whole father/son fantasy has been discussed a lot on JUB, and I've always gotten off on it. But it was always just a fantasy, and I never applied it to my own dad. And then he came out and I was like "Oh, shit. This could potentially be in the realm of possibility." Not that it's at all likely, but still. It's weird to think about. And my dad's not a bad looking guy...I wouldn't have been weirded out if he were bald and obese and looked like he belonged in a nursing home. In theory, I think it's not a big deal if you're consenting adults and there's no risk of deformed children, but would I do it myself? I dunno.

I think the oddest moment I ever had along these lines was with my Mother.
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Dad and I have definitely had lots of conversations about sex and relationships, and rarely have I ever felt uncomfortable with anything he's shared, or with sharing anything about myself. But we're both guys and I'm in my 30s. Talking about that stuff with my mother, especially as a teenager, would have definitely made me squirm.

I just can't imagine a mother asking her teenage son something like that. lol :D
 
I stopped posting here because I felt too weird about this and didn't think I should say anything. People here are so judgmental. Things got strange and I moved out of my dad's house about a month ago. I'm in my own apartment now. I was dating someone and my dad got really jealous so I broke it off. Then he and I got super-close for a while, but I was so conflicted about things that I decided it was best if I left.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
 
I think you should just continue the relationship, no questions asked. But go cautiously, things may change again. Just take the chance that many of of wish we had.

Best of luck.
 
Thanks. It wasn't a falling-out; I still see him. Living with him just got to be too much. I really needed the change of scenery moving out here afforded me after my relationship ended, though. But I wouldn't have expected any of this in a million years.
 
This thread is taking an unexpected turn lol

I'm not passing any judgement or anything I swear, but you just said you got too close to your father. Am I right to assume there was some sexual tension between you two? If you don't mind me asking... how far did it go?
 
Dots0909 said:
This thread is taking an unexpected turn lol

I'm not passing any judgement or anything I swear, but you just said you got too close to your father. Am I right to assume there was some sexual tension between you two? If you don't mind me asking... how far did it go?
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I never said that.
 
cliffdweller said:
I stopped posting here because I felt too weird about this and didn't think I should say anything. People here are so judgmental. Things got strange and I moved out of my dad's house about a month ago. I'm in my own apartment now. I was dating someone and my dad got really jealous so I broke it off. Then he and I got super-close for a while, but I was so conflicted about things that I decided it was best if I left.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Click to expand...

I think it's a shame you felt the need to ditch a budding relationship with an upstanding member of your new community (the cop) just to appease your sexually-conflicted father who may be jealous and/or selfishly afraid he'd "lose you again!!"

I understand you just got out of a five year relationship and forged a connection with a parent who was mostly absent throughout life, but don't you deserve a private life as well?

At least you took some hold of your own life by moving out...I only hope you can salvage the promising opportunity with the deputy!! ;)
 
Good to hear he is trying to be a bigger part of your life. ..|

My guess is the therapist opened his eyes to the fact that you are his son, and that life doesn't last forever. It is best to make the most of it before it is all over and regrets are made.
 
I think it's really cool that you've been able to re-connect with your dad, that part is awesome. However, I hope whatever turn-of-events that happened wasn't enough to damage what you managed to build up, and that whatever happened can't be forgiven and move on. Maybe for the sake of the father/son relationship, both of you together should see a therapist to work through the event that changed the relationship.

Best of luck...
 
Wow, your story is profound and troubling. Today is the first i've seen this thread. I hope you are okay - you've been through a lot in the last year - it seems that every part of your life has changed drastically.

I don't know what your current issue is - but i do know that you need time to deal with so many changes. Just a breakup of a 5 year relationship might take that long or longer. Plus you [re]connected with a dad you never had. You moved to a different state (perhaps leaving behind friends) - and i presume you quit a job and got another.
 
Maybe this is not the right advice but I would kick dad to the curb.

He wasn't there when you needed him and he seems to want to cling on you now.

I know he's you dad but honestly he sounds like a creep.
 
fetaby said:
Spill it. Why the bump?
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I haven't posted on (or really even visted) this site much in a while. I think I kinda blew a gasket the last time I was posting here and it was partially because of the shit that had been going on (and still is, I guess).

Several months ago, my dad and I got into a heated argument about the guy I was dating. The guy was a police detective and my dad got all weirded out over it, said he thought it was dangerous, etc. Which I knew was a BS reason, so I called him on it. He started crying (not boo-hoo, over-the-top histrionics, but still) and said he needed me, was scared, etc. I got freaked out and told the guy I was dating that I thought my dad might be having some kind of mental breakdown and I needed to take a break. Which I hated to do and which I now think was probably a mistake.

I didn't want to admit it or think about it, but yes there was/is sexual tension, and there was a point where it became totally obvious and that's when I decided to move out. Since then, we've done some stuff together and now I think it's not healthy anymore and it's preventing each of us from having our own lives (though I'm more concerned about my dad - he's clearly using me as a crutch now).

That last part sounds really co-dependent of me. Or maybe this whole thing does. The fact that I'm still worried more about my dad than myself is what makes me think I need therapy. Ugh.
 
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