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Dear Old Dad
- Thread starter cliffdweller
- Start date
LaughOutLoud
Sex God
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^ Ugh.
You're getting off on this, aren't you?](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
Vom.
You're getting off on this, aren't you?
Vom.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Elroy, line one.
So you moved out of your father's place because there was sexual tension...but then you decided to "do some stuff"? That seems a bit weird.
Does it sound co-dependent? I guess, but wouldn't that be true of any other sexual relationship? "We don't find other sexual outlets - we just use each other for that"? I guess my problem isn't that you're having sex with your father - it's that you don't seem very happy about it. In which case, yeah, time to cut him off completely. Definitely sexually, and probably emotionally as well. And yes, therapy is probably a good idea.
Lex
So you moved out of your father's place because there was sexual tension...but then you decided to "do some stuff"? That seems a bit weird.
Does it sound co-dependent? I guess, but wouldn't that be true of any other sexual relationship? "We don't find other sexual outlets - we just use each other for that"? I guess my problem isn't that you're having sex with your father - it's that you don't seem very happy about it. In which case, yeah, time to cut him off completely. Definitely sexually, and probably emotionally as well. And yes, therapy is probably a good idea.
Lex
fetaby
dances atop the bellcurve
IMO, the fact that you still care is your saving grace.
No denying the situation is all kinds of fucked up, that's obvious enough. But it speaks volumes that you still care about his well being.
Now though, we both know there's no such thing as "saving" someone. You can lead that horse to water, etc. etc.
Get yourself healthy and stable, then you might be able to help someone else. You remember that part about needing to split from Texas to put some distance between yourself and a bad situation... It might just be time to do that again.
fetaby
dances atop the bellcurve
Going shopping with someone doesn't usually involve the need for therapy after the fact. Come on Johann...
fetaby
dances atop the bellcurve
I re-read his post. And after seeing your assumption, it does read differently to me. Either way some lines were crossed that shouldn't have been crossed.
God this is better than Dallas! please tell us how its all unfolding not just the whole dad son sex thing.. but yr life and relationships I really have enjoyed your writing style its intimate and intelligent and is a great place for us all to contemplate our own issues with our dad.
Gay men and Dads is different isnt it from st8 bois and their dads... just so i believe A few peopel who have contributed have benefited from your thread and a lot who have read it.
Gay men and Dads is different isnt it from st8 bois and their dads... just so i believe A few peopel who have contributed have benefited from your thread and a lot who have read it.
cliffdweller
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Hey all,
I don't come here much anymore, but I popped back on and saw that I bumped it back in July and then just left it. I was really freaking out when I last posted here, but things have calmed down a lot. I am working full-time for the first time in a long while...I was cobbling together part-time and contract gigs for over a year, which left me with way too much free time on my hands, and that contributed to a lot of the drama.
To address some questions...my dad and I didn't have sex, but we did get into a couple of situations that had (IMO) sexual undertones and I was very conflicted and uncomfortable about it. After I moved out, our relationship improved for a little while...we would have weekly dinners out, then go back to his place for drinks. I guess we both felt emboldened to be more physically affectionate since we weren't living together anymore. I'd rub his shoulders for a couple of minutes, and he took this as license to reciprocate, but he took it a little further and would start nuzzling my ear, etc. After which I would take my shirt off and he would give me a full-on backrub. We were both clearly turned on by it, and it freaked me the fuck out.
This happened twice, and after the second time, I ended up distancing myself from him for a while. We finally had a real talk about it, and about everything. He agreed that he was depending on me for social validation too much, and I assured him that I cared about him and would be in his life if he wanted me there. We also discussed the sexual stuff between us very frankly. I point-blank asked him if he wanted to have sex with me.
He said "I don't know," after which I nearly fainted. I mean, it's one thing to have these kind of undertones hanging around or even BS denials, but that was an honest answer, and while it wasn't "OMG! I totally want to jump your bones!" it wasn't a no, either. We admitted that we were attracted to each other and that we had ultimately enjoyed the limited physical intimacy we'd had, but agreed that sex would be crossing a line that could have serious repercussions. Sooo...the backrubs and stuff have continued, with the understanding that nothing further will happen without having another long talk about it first. We probably see each other every couple of weeks now, and he's back to having a social life that doesn't revolve around me.
As for me, I'm working a lot, and I love it. I've been on some casual dates with guys, but I'm at a point where I really am not interested in a serious relationship. It's different, since I've tended to be a serial monogamist in the past (from one serious relationship almost immediately into another), but this is good for me.
I don't come here much anymore, but I popped back on and saw that I bumped it back in July and then just left it. I was really freaking out when I last posted here, but things have calmed down a lot. I am working full-time for the first time in a long while...I was cobbling together part-time and contract gigs for over a year, which left me with way too much free time on my hands, and that contributed to a lot of the drama.
To address some questions...my dad and I didn't have sex, but we did get into a couple of situations that had (IMO) sexual undertones and I was very conflicted and uncomfortable about it. After I moved out, our relationship improved for a little while...we would have weekly dinners out, then go back to his place for drinks. I guess we both felt emboldened to be more physically affectionate since we weren't living together anymore. I'd rub his shoulders for a couple of minutes, and he took this as license to reciprocate, but he took it a little further and would start nuzzling my ear, etc. After which I would take my shirt off and he would give me a full-on backrub. We were both clearly turned on by it, and it freaked me the fuck out.
This happened twice, and after the second time, I ended up distancing myself from him for a while. We finally had a real talk about it, and about everything. He agreed that he was depending on me for social validation too much, and I assured him that I cared about him and would be in his life if he wanted me there. We also discussed the sexual stuff between us very frankly. I point-blank asked him if he wanted to have sex with me.
He said "I don't know," after which I nearly fainted. I mean, it's one thing to have these kind of undertones hanging around or even BS denials, but that was an honest answer, and while it wasn't "OMG! I totally want to jump your bones!" it wasn't a no, either. We admitted that we were attracted to each other and that we had ultimately enjoyed the limited physical intimacy we'd had, but agreed that sex would be crossing a line that could have serious repercussions. Sooo...the backrubs and stuff have continued, with the understanding that nothing further will happen without having another long talk about it first. We probably see each other every couple of weeks now, and he's back to having a social life that doesn't revolve around me.
As for me, I'm working a lot, and I love it. I've been on some casual dates with guys, but I'm at a point where I really am not interested in a serious relationship. It's different, since I've tended to be a serial monogamist in the past (from one serious relationship almost immediately into another), but this is good for me.
floridaboy
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My background: my dad died when i was about 5 of a heart attack, so i grew up without a dad till i was about 10-11 when my mom remarried. He treated my brother(who was still living at home) my sister(she moved out) and i(obviously still lived at home). My mom was the only one who he treated civilly. He's also slightly racist and very homophobic, so even to my own mother im in the closet because of him. My brother and sister know, but i told them not to tell because im afraid he's stop my mom from even talking to me
/background
About 3 years ago he calls me and says he and my mom want to come up to see me(even though his tone when he said it sounded more like it was my mom who convinced him to come because she was going to come with or without him). When he got there i thought he was putting up an act because my mom was around, but even when she wasnt around i could tell he was trying to act nicer to me. I tried to push him to drop the act, saying i had to cancel my plans with my gay friend, or how i knew he was acting because my mom was there. He still resisted the idea he was playing an act.
When they left i immediately called my brother and sister to see if he did the same thing, he hasnt even called them. Im still confused by it, and still convinced he was putting up an act
/background
About 3 years ago he calls me and says he and my mom want to come up to see me(even though his tone when he said it sounded more like it was my mom who convinced him to come because she was going to come with or without him). When he got there i thought he was putting up an act because my mom was around, but even when she wasnt around i could tell he was trying to act nicer to me. I tried to push him to drop the act, saying i had to cancel my plans with my gay friend, or how i knew he was acting because my mom was there. He still resisted the idea he was playing an act.
When they left i immediately called my brother and sister to see if he did the same thing, he hasnt even called them. Im still confused by it, and still convinced he was putting up an act
cliffdweller
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G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Again...Elroy, line one.
Lex
Lex
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You really got a close relationship with your father 
m1thousand
JUB Addict
Enjoy your new dad. My memory of my dad is him out in the garden.
He used to call me "dear" which I liked but enjoy what you have
He used to call me "dear" which I liked but enjoy what you have