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Death and Life, both happen everyday...

J

jmsabrams

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Yet, you look around on the train or at the store, and everyone carries on. Even I carry on.

Yet, again, when you lose someone, there is only before and after. Firmly bisexual, I am grateful to have had a wife who loved me for who I am. And I love(ed) her with everything I am. But in the two years since she died, I'm lost as to how to deal with men, and women, who I might love and who might love me. I am open to a relationship with a guy. But, also, I can't see how I can marry again.

These days, I'm assumed to be straight. Having been married 25 years, no one asks, "Are you bi, gay, either, neither?" And, "Coming out", how does that make sense? Do I hit up chat rooms, bars, (none of which I ever did before)? Sorry, I feel like I may have gone on a bit too much.

Any thoughts, suggestions, or critique would be appreciated.
 
I am so sorry for your loss, i can relate in a very personal way. My first partner and my first true love was killed whilst on duty.

I was lost in the wilderness, as one of my friends on here said so well, for a number of years.

I truly had given up on not just ever meeting another, but on life itself.

The funny thing about life and fate, it has a habit of throwing you a curve ball when least expected.

If you look at my Avatar you will see that i am now married to a man, he also happens to be Bisexual, where i am gay.
He served in the same Regiment as my fella, and was actually his best mate in the army.

So i had known G for well over ten years, and in that time he became a close friend, but not once was there ever anything sexual involved. He was just really happy to see Erik in a loving relationship.

It was after Erik's death that G really came into his own, always looking out for me. Even after all this i was pretty stunned when he made it known to me that he was falling for me, i really had no idea. We spent months talking about our fears and hopes, whether we could be compatible given our personal history, and i am ashamed to say the fact he was Bisexual only added to my fears.

Communication and honesty won the day for us, see what i mean about curve balls. There are many avenues that are open to you, if you want you can hit the scene, chat rooms, even social groups. You are over the first hurdle, as you have said you are open to another relationship, with a guy. As for getting married again, never say never. Marriage is not a prerequisite to a happy loving partnership with someone.

My main advice would be "Never give up hope", i did, and Bam! curve ball. If you want to ask me any questions please shoot me a PM. Regards Adam.
 
We somehow have to carry on, even when nothing makes sense anymore...
Let the hope of finding a partner give you the strength to overcome the insecurities. Life is unfair but unpredictable, it's made both of sad and happy moments and we as men have to be able to go through everything.

May your loved one rest in peace. I am sure that someone will soon draw a smile on your face again :)

(*8*)
 
Hi Medic, Taralluci, thank you... i recognize in my brain that a mate could turn up the way it did before, just by introduction from a friend, or anywhere really... It still doesn't ring true yet in my heart. The landscape looks so different. And, I am different... I'll try to remain open...for someone. best, j
 
It's understandable that you feel like this after the loss of your wife. Sometimes I think I should not develop affection for people, for fear of having to live through the eventual suffering of losing them. But just like the bad things, falling in love again happens, maybe when you least expect. And even if it doesn't, the dream is worth believing.

Someone who would comfort you might be around the corner, you don't have to try hard on the chats or in the bars, you just have to think that not all is lost and try to stay positive. Talk to your friends and be grateful for the other things and people that you have in your life. They can surely give you a hug which I can only send with words (*8*)
 
You seem to be approaching this godawful situation in the correct way, you recognise that there are possibilities out there.

I wish you the best and i hope that you are able to, in your own time, find a situation that you finds works for you. Regards Adam.
 
Sorry for your loss. (*8*)

Have you considered grief counseling? Seeing a therapist? I'm not suggesting that you see a psychiatrist, because they would more than likely give you a 'scrip. You may not need that. A therapist would be able to tell you if you need a helping hand (medication).
 
Therapy is great. Mental health is as important as physical health. It usually inoculates you at work, near total confidentiality, and guidance that expands your ability to think.

People who go to therapy are more balanced than those who try to contain everything inside. Do you think Tony Soprano would have made it as far as he did without Dr. Melfi?

Mine did some amazing mental exercises about death and reality. Top-notch.
 
Thank you, guys. I'm sort of a basket case today. Cleaning out the house, and I'm finding so many things, with sweet memories attached. I just want to sit in the corner and cry. Life was meant to be so different. But, I am pushing through.

Under the heading of carrying on... what could be mental exercises about death and reality? this sounds interesting and is not something the therapist suggested for me... How did these work?
 
jmsabrams said:
Thank you, guys. I'm sort of a basket case today. Cleaning out the house, and I'm finding so many things, with sweet memories attached. I just want to sit in the corner and cry. Life was meant to be so different. But, I am pushing through.

Under the heading of carrying on... what could be mental exercises about death and reality? this sounds interesting and is not something the therapist suggested for me... How did these work?
Click to expand...

The basics are think of everything in your life past and present. Strip everything you care about away piece by piece..... no friends, no family, no possessions, no job, no identity, no memories, nothing. Then think, am I happy? Because the universe doesn't owe us shit. We are lucky to simply exist. It's not an easy exercise, and may take years, but one day it will hit you like a ton of bricks. It's like sudden immersion into a warm pool. Then the smallest things bring you joy.
 
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