Deep feelings for best friend...

[hanzosword]

(warning very long)

I just really need to air some stuff out on here mostly as I have nobody else to talk to about this. I have an online friend who I grew really close to in the past few months and recently I started to have feelings for him. I know you all will say it's just the internet and blah blah but when you spend so much time sharing everything with a person, even across the internet, it's still very real.

Basically he is the nicest and sweetest guy I've ever known and he loves me as a friend only. He knows how I feel but he can't really understand how much I care. He has everything I want in a guy; smart, funny, good looking, etc. He's told me I have the qualities he likes too but he just doesn't see me that way.

We also live hundreds of miles apart. He has a good amount of sex with guys too which is very hard for me to hear about. None of these things makes my feelings go away. I wish I could just run and hide from them but there is no shaking them. I just feel sick to my stomach sometimes thinking about him being with other guys, but nothing I can do about that.

This is not the first time I had unrequited love. I fell for a girl once (off the internet) and she kinda felt the same but just wouldn't let me get too close. I have been told by many people that I'm attractive and charming, etc, but so far that is never enough for the people I fall in love with.

I don't have a ride right now and I work from home so I can't really get any dates. Plus I live in a small town, more like a big village lol so almost impossible to meet any guys here. It could be months before I can move to a bigger town where it will be easier and before I can get my mind off my friend.

So do you all feel like your close friends have to stay across that "friend" line? I am open to the idea of being a close friend and lover but of course my friend doesn't think so. I just don't understand how he doesn't even have a little bit of feelings for me after we became so close... I guess I shouldn't open my heart so much like that, but I really can't help it. It wasn't my choice to feel this way and I fear it could be years before these feelings get buried deep enough inside me and I can get over him.

 

[G-Lexington]

No, it's not true that all friends have to stay across the friend line. But it's certainly true of all friends who say "I don't like you like that". Which this one did.

It looks like you may be what I'm coming to call "convenience crushing". It's mooning over somebody whose main qualification in that he's convenient for you to moon over. You're isolated, you're not social, you're not meeting anybody...so why not him? And that's fine as long as he's a decent match and he's willing. Sadly, he completely fails the second qualification. So you need to stop working on trying to change that second qualification, strike him off your list, and start looking elsewhere.

You say it's nearly impossible to meet someone where you are now, and it may be several months before you can move. Fine - be single for several months. I've been in that same spot. But I didn't try to create relationships that had no chance of taking hold. I spent my time in "gay isolation" working on me. I exercised more, read more, developed some hobbies, worked on my personal interactions with my platonic friends, and emerged from the isolation a better person than the one that entered it. Maybe you can try something similar.

Lex

 

[hanzosword]

I'm confused about a few things here, but my biggest question is: Have you completely expressed your feelings to this guy or not? I can't tell if you did, and was turned down...or if you didn't, and are just assuming he won't go for you based on past things he said?

Can you clarify that?

Sorry, ya I told him exactly how I felt in an email not long ago. He says he completely understands and he treats me the same way. He didn't let it get too weird and he gently let me know before that he only wants to be friends. He really didn't say much about it after I told him, but it's clear he doesn't feel the same way.

 

[hanzosword]

No, it's not true that all friends have to stay across the friend line. But it's certainly true of all friends who say "I don't like you like that". Which this one did.

It looks like you may be what I'm coming to call "convenience crushing". It's mooning over somebody whose main qualification in that he's convenient for you to moon over. You're isolated, you're not social, you're not meeting anybody...so why not him? And that's fine as long as he's a decent match and he's willing. Sadly, he completely fails the second qualification. So you need to stop working on trying to change that second qualification, strike him off your list, and start looking elsewhere.

You say it's nearly impossible to meet someone where you are now, and it may be several months before you can move. Fine - be single for several months. I've been in that same spot. But I didn't try to create relationships that had no chance of taking hold. I spent my time in "gay isolation" working on me. I exercised more, read more, developed some hobbies, worked on my personal interactions with my platonic friends, and emerged from the isolation a better person than the one that entered it. Maybe you can try something similar.

Lex

Thanks for the good advice Lex. One thing though, I am not crushing on him out of convenience. I am actually in love with the guy and I didn't even know that I was. It just hit me one day when he was telling me about a guy he was with. Right before that moment I wouldn't have believed that I could even have feelings like this for him.

I have been in love before and I've had crushes so I know the difference and this is not a crush at all. It took me 5 years to totally get over a girl I fell in love with about 9 years ago. I was totally fine just being good friends and I didn't want anything more either, but my heart is freaking out of control lol. I do try to stay occupied but it's not easy at all. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of him being with other people. I lose my appetite sometimes and I wake up in the wee hours of the night thinking about him .

I was reading some articles online about "falling in love with your best friend" and found some really good advice. I have to try to stay busy and just ride it out, plus not be a jerk to him when he is dealing with other guys. I will be going away on business for a few weeks in July and at least if I'm not feeling any better by then I will be away from my computer and have a small break from him. We will be texting each other but there won't be lengthy conversations like using a messenger. I think that will be a big help with getting over him.

 

[G-Lexington]

IF you're having trouble getting over him, don't wait for July. Tell him you're gonna need some time (he'll almost certainly be cool with that), and block him as a contact for awhile.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Don’t you think it’s a little curious that you have all this angst over someone you’ve never actually met?

OK, ask yourself, how much of what you feel is really about him, and how much is about the picture of him you’ve got in your head?

Cyber guys aren’t real, they can be fun, amusing, even hot, but they are just as much a construct of your own imagination as they are real people.

He won’t be a real guy until you’ve met him – until you know what he actually is in real time, in flesh and bone. You don’t really know what he’s like. Every one of us who’s ever met someone we got to know on the internet, knows how often the way we pictured the guy, is really how he is – and that’s not a lot.

Second, you’re spending sleepless nights contemplating him going with other guys, you think it will be years 'til you’re over him, you’re nauseous at the thought of someone touching him?

How long have you been chatting with him? A few months?

Stop.

Breathe.

Take a step back. You’ve never met this guy; don’t you think that your emotional response is a little excessive here?

Think about it.

 

[hanzosword]

Don’t you think it’s a little curious that you have all this angst over someone you’ve never actually met?

OK, ask yourself, how much of what you feel is really about him, and how much is about the picture of him you’ve got in your head?

Cyber guys aren’t real, they can be fun, amusing, even hot, but they are just as much a construct of your own imagination as they are real people.

He won’t be a real guy until you’ve met him – until you know what he actually is in real time, in flesh and bone. You don’t really know what he’s like. Every one of us who’s ever met someone we got to know on the internet, knows how often the way we pictured the guy, is really how he is – and that’s not a lot.

Second, you’re spending sleepless nights contemplating him going with other guys, you think it will be years 'til you’re over him, you’re nauseous at the thought of someone touching him?

How long have you been chatting with him? A few months?

Stop.

Breathe.

Take a step back. You’ve never met this guy; don’t you think that your emotional response is a little excessive here?

Think about it.

Hey TX-Beau. Yes and No I think my emotional response is a little excessive. Have you ever been in love with someone? It doesn't make sense and my responses are completely involuntary. I know I have not met the guy in person and there are whole sides of him that I don't know and vice versa. I'm perfectly aware of all that and I still feel the same way about him in my heart. I'm not even all that emotional normally and I don't ever lose my appetite because I don't have my way.

We have only been talking for a few months but it's been for hours at a time almost everyday so that amounts to quite a long time if it were added up. I'm talking deep conversations and sharing secrets that we don't tell anyone else. He's not imaginary because we've seen pictures of each other and we tell each other everything about ourselves. We are not making up stories to entertain each other. We tell each other about our lives and about how we are. I never believed it was possible to get to know someone over the internet until I started talking to him. We both could be doing other things besides talking online or texting but we care for each other as friends and we want to.

I'm not a desperate person by any means and my feelings for him are very real. I just want them to go away if I can never have him as more than that.

 

[hanzosword]

IF you're having trouble getting over him, don't wait for July. Tell him you're gonna need some time (he'll almost certainly be cool with that), and block him as a contact for awhile.

Lex

Wow Lex that could be very hard to do. We never went more than a few days without talking. I care for him a lot as a friend too and I would miss him so much. That alone would break my heart. Even though we are hundreds of miles apart, I have never been so close to another person. I feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't .

 

[G-Lexington]

But there it is. How are you going to work on moving on so long as this guy is right there in your (metaphorical) face 24/7?

Lex

 

[rareboy]

I don't think you can really love someone you've never met and spent time with.

You can love the idea of him and the abstract outline that you colour in with all the nuanced features you want to find in him.

Be patient.

Meet real people.

 

[hanzosword]

I don't think you can really love someone you've never met and spent time with.

You can love the idea of him and the abstract outline that you colour in with all the nuanced features you want to find in him.

Be patient.

Meet real people.

How can you know if it's never happened to you? I'm not in love with an idea. We have spent countless hours talking and I don't understand how people can act as if that counts for nothing . I don't see him as this perfect god of a man, but I know plenty about him and what I do know about him I love. The internet can help a little to close the gaps in distance. My feelings are real because I didn't even want them for him but yet here they are...

 

[rareboy]

Love is seeing the guy at his absolute worst and being able to love him anyway. Pen pal relationships only allow the partners to fall in love with an idealized person, not the person themselves.

It is a kind of courtly love, but really still just a crush.

What you're describing is incredibly common in the cyber world. In some cases, when the people meet up it is great and the rest of their relationship blossoms. In other cases, it is a huge crash when one or the other realizes that the reality can never match the fantasy. And that a realtime relationship is way more work than just cooing and texting one another all the time.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK look, you’re making a lot of assumptions. You don’t know if what he’s telling you is real, you don’t know if his picture is real, you don’t know if he has, or even if he is currently telling other guys what he’s telling you. You just don’t. You can’t. You’ve assumed all of that.

You don’t know him. You have an idea you’re willing to desperately defend about him, but you can’t know if that’s true. You don’t want to think about that because you’re heavily invested in your idea being the truth – because that gives you a focus for your emotions - and I'm going to tell you, no matter how long you internet chat with someone, a few months is not a long time, and your emotional response to that is excessive, almost theatrically so.

You aren’t dating, you’re not in a position to meet someone, you are probably lonely; and along comes this net guy, who you spend a lot of time talking to, who’s friendly and engaging, and – bam – suddenly you’re in love. It just hit you one day out of the blue. You're jealous, your crushed, it'll take years to get over it. 0 to 60 in 10 seconds flat.

Like Lex said (and to steal his phrase,) this sounds a lot like a “convenience, crush” – a guy you focus all your emotions and attention on because there is nothing else going on in your life. It’s pretty much the same thing that gay guys who crush on unattainable straight guys are doing.

We don’t know how honest he’s is, you don’t know how honest he is, either honesty, or game playing is equally possible at this point. That’s reality. One hopes it’s the former. But there’s no way to know.

Plus he doesn’t want to go there. So where does that leave you? In oceans of angst crying:

“…but I didn’t ask for this, and I can’t control it…”

The only thing missing is the graveyard scene from Romeo and Juliet.

Well, sometimes you can’t control your feelings, sometimes you can. But you can absolutely control your actions – and if you sit there claiming you can’t control your actions because of how you feel, that’s an unwillingness to practice self control. Which is a choice, not an inevitability.

Usually I find that when someone is doing what you’re doing it isn’t love. At best it’s infatuation, at worst, obsession, but either way, you’re using “feelings” as a way of abdicating your responsibility for your actions.

Walk away, you say you want this to end, end it, and that’s the only way it’s going to. If you won’t, you are either choosing not to control yourself, or you’re more interested in having something going on, even if it’s the angst of unrequited, doomed love, than you are of getting a resolution.

You say we can’t understand – because we’ve never been there, well, you don’t know that either. You’re using that to dismiss what people are telling you – because you don’t want to hear it. You might consider that a lot of us have been there, repeatedly, and that’s why we’re saying what we’re saying.

It’s absolutely your choice to stay or go. You won’t get over this if you stay, and no one can force you to go. What do you want, the dramatic angst of unrequited love to savor, or the resolution you say you want? Your choice, decide.


...but but but it's not that simple...

Yes, it is.