irishinvader
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HEY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like an awful person for not posting in weeks and please don't tell me it's ok or whatever because I will still feel like garbage. I hadn't forgotten about any of you but whenever I'd get a break to write, I just didn't have much left in me either inspiration or energy wise. School hasn't exactly gone the way I had hoped grade wise and I hate half my classes for the 3rd straight semester (this is my third semester of college, fyi).
I still have no idea where all the time as gone because it seems like last week I was living back at home. I don't really have too much news personally, which I guess is a good thing in the main areas but also a not so good thing in the relationship category. Still very confused with everything but I'm hoping to get those answers soon.
Now, with ABSOLUTELY NO FURTHER ADO, here is chapter 11. It's from Daniel's perspective and takes place after Daniel and Hunter leave each other in chapter 10. You probably have forgotten what happened since this thread got moved to the second page which is absolutely embarrassing for me but you should reread some stuff just to catch up.
This chapter isn't as long or as good as I would've liked since I've had such a break from posting but I figured that since the story came to a good break point, I'd share it now anyway. The next chapter will not be this long of a wait, I promise. Hope you all come back and comment!!! ::crosses fingers and toes and eyes::
As I walked away from Hunter’s dorm, the world seemed different and I felt different. A weight had been lifted from eyes and the concrete that had filled my mind was removed. I looked up at the bright spring sky and felt so insignificant but at the same time more important. I had been reborn by a man I didn’t know the week before; I had been squashed and built back; I had nothing and then everything. Somewhere in the blue sky and white clouds lay my future and even though I had no idea what exactly it was, I was truly excited about it for the first time since I had begun to date Christine.
No matter how many times I would try to forget the day we met, it was still ingrained in me. It was my first party with alcohol ever and Jake and Antonio were trying to get me completely hammered. The beer pong table was set up and when they had won, they sneaked me in a game and pulled over a random girl to be my partner. I was tipsy enough to overcome my typical awkwardness around attractive girls and she responded to it. We got along great despite her lack of pong skill and once we got beat, we cracked open a couple more beers and chilled out on the couch and chatted. We were blatantly flirting and for the first time someone had reciprocated my feelings and it was the best emotion I had ever felt in my entire life, even if I was half drunk. We exchanged numbers and screen names and when randomly surfing the internet, she instant messaged me and it went just as well. A date to the local pizzeria and a mini make out session during a terrible romantic comedy later, we were an item. We had the late night phone calls, the ludicrously long text conversations in the middle of class and since we went to different schools, date night every Friday night. Until that one night when I got a call from her crying and screaming because she had come home to her older brother hanging in the foyer. We both grew up that night and we had new perspectives on life. The following months involved a lot of Christine crying and deep philosophical discussions. I understood but discouraged when she went out and partied but I did always drive her around so she wouldn’t do anything stupid. And then she went out on school nights and one night when I couldn’t get out, she drove back and got a DUI. She stopped for a couple of weeks but then she went out and smoked some weed with some guys. Then a couple weeks later she told me she had sex with one of the guys, which I wanted to forgive her. And then I found pictures of it on her camera. But it wasn’t just the one guy. She had lost the virginity we were planning on losing together on our two year anniversary, which got delayed by the suicide for 8 months from our 1 year anniversary, in a high three way with a fat guy and a stoner and someone who walked in and took the picture. That was the final straw and even though it still hurt to leave a girl grieving so clearly, I couldn’t do it to myself and I left.
But all of it seemed so worth it to just share those moments with Hunter. Going through all of that with Christine changed me, it started a relationship with my Grandfather and me going to Ohio state where I met Hunter. The fact that there were undoubtedly more moments to come with Hunter brought about a peace I had never known before. Being there in Hunter’s arms made sense and something like a kiss on the cheek couldn’t have been more perfect. I broke a big smile and an audible laugh at the thought of it. “Me, Daniel Ulysses Henderson ecstatic because a gay guy I had a sex dream about kissing me on the cheek.”
Reaching my dorm lessened my high but it was still better than anything I had experienced before. I wanted to keep reliving the surreal couple of days but knew I had to keep an even keel as to not cause an unnecessary uproar among Jake, Antonio and Petey. Rather than going up to my room and risk running into them, I searched the building for an obscure and empty TV lounge to watch some basketball. The third floor lounge fit all the requirements so I went in, turned on ESPN and sat on the couch to continue reminiscing of moments only moments ago.
Hunter had brought out the sides of me that were there once and faded away and the one that I had always been too afraid to show. I hadn’t had a meaningful conversation with anyone my age since Christine and I never was the one to start or continue conversations with perfect strangers. The sincerity in his eyes drew me into him and never let me go throughout the roller coaster that had become my life. He protected me and at the same time made me his equal and in doing so had made me the happiest man in existence. I owed him my life and if that’s what it came down to, I would do it no questions asked, just like I picked him up unprompted after talking about his brother. He needed me in the same way I needed him and having the privilege of being the guy to hold Hunter Reid up when he fell was all I needed.
Ohio State wasn’t playing yet so I was flipping back and forth between games until I realized I didn’t want to watch anything at all; I just wanted to take it all in. Reveling in the awe of it all was far better than any projected moving image could be. Laying there looking up at the white ceiling, I began to once again go through the day’s events. It had been crazy to say the least but it had all been worth it. Telling Hunter about the dream wasn’t exactly how I wanted to be more open about myself but his reaction proved to me that nothing would get in the way of our friendship, even if it was about my attraction towards him. But it wasn’t that that made me happy. Sure, his reaction set the stage for the rest of the day but it was his sharing with me that put a warm and fuzzy feeling inside me. He had changed my life and had been there for me but it wasn’t complete, it wasn’t a real relationship. It was like he was my psychiatrist that I could go bring my problems to as a nervous wreck and come out a new person. There was now a give and take and I knew he would be able to see me as I saw him.
I let that thought bounce around in my head for a while. I could see face both distraught and elated, his watery eyes and warm smile. I could feel his strong arms wrapped around me and his lips kissing my neck as I tilted my head and closed my eyes as we left. I still felt that and I leaned my head as I had done only minutes before to feel his soft hair against my cheek trying to relive that precious moment. Something about it all had felt so perfect, just like the handshake we shared after our first meeting. And yet despite its perfection it was lacking in something. It was odd because it truly was perfect but there was something that had been left out. “Maybe that nagging feeling isn’t about what happened, but anticipation of what’s to come.”
The more I thought about it, it seemed to make sense. Our first meeting had ended in a firm handshake, the second in a warm embrace and a soft kiss on the neck and cheek. What was going to come next? Another hug and cheek kiss? What would happen when there were other people around? Would it go back to a handshake or a regular hug or would it even make a difference? “Or what if it went further?”
Given the rapid progression of our relationship, it seemed like it would. Then again, my greetings with Jake and Antonio started with a handclasp and never progressed. Christine and I had obviously escalated our greetings but we had also dated. “She was the only relationship that escalated…so why am I sitting here going over this when so much else has happened?”
It didn’t make sense but there was just something missing, Hunter and I’s relationship hadn’t reached its full potential. But where else would it go? I had cried with him and he had come seconds from doing the same with me; we were both completely vulnerable and yet completely equal; we were each other’s rock and each other’s shoulder. The sequence of events made perfect sense with not a thing out of place, so how was something missing? As much as I wanted to think about other things, my brain refused to move onto bigger and better moments. This had to be sorted out.
“Where else could this go? But why does it even have to go anywhere? Sure, I had one of the best days of my life after it had started worse than any other day and I still feel like it’s supposed to go somewhere else. Why? And why am I even thinking about this instead of trying to take it all in?” I thought back to the moment outside of his dorm, wanting to reminisce but could only analyze. I could see Hunter standing in front of me, his eyes staring back into mine as the words we thought were transferred silently between us, the hint of a smile and the small droop in his eyes that showed how happy he was to be there and how sad he would be moments later, the way his disheveled hair fell around his brow, the way his slightly scruffy jaw tickled my neck as he kissed it, the way his hands rested on my waist. Then the scene began to change to the shower from my dream and his red shirt was gone revealing his chest, lats, arms and abs. I quickly sat upright, eyes wide and breathing heavier.
“What…the…fuck…”
I had done this once already and had almost entirely forgotten about the dream thanks to Hunter but it was back. I needed to not be thinking about him like that, I needed to think about how much of a great friend he was, I needed to think about the way he comforted me and not about the way we rubbed our rock hard dicks together in a dream. I was furious with myself. I wasn’t as mad about the having the dream itself, although it is something to be confused about, as much as I was about it involving Hunter. He shouldn’t have to deal with my newfound identity crisis, even if he was the driving force behind it. And I was happy for the first time in a really long time and I couldn’t have anything ruin it. “Not again,” I thought.
I tried getting back on topic and ignoring the detour and thought back to what I was thinking before. “Where our relationship would go from here…fan-fucking-tastic…” The topic couldn’t be avoided any longer. Was that really what I missed? Was that really where our relationship would go? It wouldn’t be a big deal if I wasn’t straight, but I am. I always have been. I’ve liked girls my whole life and I love titties, a lot. Having sex with Christine was amazing and pounding her doggie style made me go crazy. I loved sucking on her nipples and I even enjoyed giving her oral sex. What else does it take to prove I’m straight? “Not liking the other option.” The logic was there but it scared the living shit out of me because it meant screwing up Hunter and I’s perfect friendship.
“What if I tried it with some other guy?...wait am I really rationalizing kissing a dude?” This had to stop. “But how are you going to make it stop? You know when you think about shit like this, it’s going to stick with you until you do something about it.”
It was true. This had logical merit to it and was crucial to my new identity. Would I even be able to avoid the subject while talking to Hunter? Probably not for long and that alone could be enough to turn the best friendship I’ve ever had into a disaster. I couldn’t let that happen, I wouldn’t let that happen. I took a couple of moments to calm down and run through the logic one last time. It was still sound and that only meant one thing – getting with another dude.
“You’ve been through this once already, you can do this again. It doesn’t even have to change anything, you could still be straight at the end of the experiment. Plus, this is not as big of a deal as the sex dream. This can be with someone you have never met, not your best friend.” This was once again true. The most awkward part of the sex dream was that it was about Hunter. The experiment would have to take place in real life but it would involve a guy with no knowledge of the situation and a guy I would never see again. “My plan is to have a gay booty call…what has my life come to?”
I was stuck in a place somewhere between delusional and insane, I was scared out of my mind but I was also weirdly excited. I always had plans for the future and this was the first time I lacked that crystal ball but I had plans to get it back. My life had become open-ended and while I now might end up a homeless bum, there were endings that were better than Dan the businessman. I could be Daniel the…something not business if I listened to Professor Swick. And the very thought of that brought a smile as big as did when I saw Hunter…well maybe a little bit smaller.
I took one last deep breath turned back towards the TV to check the action. Ohio State had built a comfortable lead but I still watched. Despite the fact that my life had been upturned in a day and a half, despite me making the logical decision to make a gay booty call and despite me having no idea where this would put my life, I was able to sit comfortably and watch a relatively boring basketball game. I had been freaking out minutes earlier but I settled into a calm now that I had a plan. Sure, I’d be nervous in executing just like I had been earlier but the fact that I knew where I was going even if I didn’t know the destination was enough. It should be completely out of my comfort zone and yet it wasn’t. Plans were supposed to be about getting to a destination, not about finding out where you’re going. “Maybe that’s just for Dan.” It was a cheesy line and something that could only be determined after spending more time as Daniel but even after this short time, it seemed like Daniel would be ok with all of this.
And with that I turned my full attention back to the Ohio State Buckeyes’ basketball team.
To be continued…
I still have no idea where all the time as gone because it seems like last week I was living back at home. I don't really have too much news personally, which I guess is a good thing in the main areas but also a not so good thing in the relationship category. Still very confused with everything but I'm hoping to get those answers soon.
Now, with ABSOLUTELY NO FURTHER ADO, here is chapter 11. It's from Daniel's perspective and takes place after Daniel and Hunter leave each other in chapter 10. You probably have forgotten what happened since this thread got moved to the second page which is absolutely embarrassing for me but you should reread some stuff just to catch up.
This chapter isn't as long or as good as I would've liked since I've had such a break from posting but I figured that since the story came to a good break point, I'd share it now anyway. The next chapter will not be this long of a wait, I promise. Hope you all come back and comment!!! ::crosses fingers and toes and eyes::
*** *** *** ***
DEFINE LOVE - CHAPTER 11
DEFINE LOVE - CHAPTER 11
As I walked away from Hunter’s dorm, the world seemed different and I felt different. A weight had been lifted from eyes and the concrete that had filled my mind was removed. I looked up at the bright spring sky and felt so insignificant but at the same time more important. I had been reborn by a man I didn’t know the week before; I had been squashed and built back; I had nothing and then everything. Somewhere in the blue sky and white clouds lay my future and even though I had no idea what exactly it was, I was truly excited about it for the first time since I had begun to date Christine.
No matter how many times I would try to forget the day we met, it was still ingrained in me. It was my first party with alcohol ever and Jake and Antonio were trying to get me completely hammered. The beer pong table was set up and when they had won, they sneaked me in a game and pulled over a random girl to be my partner. I was tipsy enough to overcome my typical awkwardness around attractive girls and she responded to it. We got along great despite her lack of pong skill and once we got beat, we cracked open a couple more beers and chilled out on the couch and chatted. We were blatantly flirting and for the first time someone had reciprocated my feelings and it was the best emotion I had ever felt in my entire life, even if I was half drunk. We exchanged numbers and screen names and when randomly surfing the internet, she instant messaged me and it went just as well. A date to the local pizzeria and a mini make out session during a terrible romantic comedy later, we were an item. We had the late night phone calls, the ludicrously long text conversations in the middle of class and since we went to different schools, date night every Friday night. Until that one night when I got a call from her crying and screaming because she had come home to her older brother hanging in the foyer. We both grew up that night and we had new perspectives on life. The following months involved a lot of Christine crying and deep philosophical discussions. I understood but discouraged when she went out and partied but I did always drive her around so she wouldn’t do anything stupid. And then she went out on school nights and one night when I couldn’t get out, she drove back and got a DUI. She stopped for a couple of weeks but then she went out and smoked some weed with some guys. Then a couple weeks later she told me she had sex with one of the guys, which I wanted to forgive her. And then I found pictures of it on her camera. But it wasn’t just the one guy. She had lost the virginity we were planning on losing together on our two year anniversary, which got delayed by the suicide for 8 months from our 1 year anniversary, in a high three way with a fat guy and a stoner and someone who walked in and took the picture. That was the final straw and even though it still hurt to leave a girl grieving so clearly, I couldn’t do it to myself and I left.
But all of it seemed so worth it to just share those moments with Hunter. Going through all of that with Christine changed me, it started a relationship with my Grandfather and me going to Ohio state where I met Hunter. The fact that there were undoubtedly more moments to come with Hunter brought about a peace I had never known before. Being there in Hunter’s arms made sense and something like a kiss on the cheek couldn’t have been more perfect. I broke a big smile and an audible laugh at the thought of it. “Me, Daniel Ulysses Henderson ecstatic because a gay guy I had a sex dream about kissing me on the cheek.”
Reaching my dorm lessened my high but it was still better than anything I had experienced before. I wanted to keep reliving the surreal couple of days but knew I had to keep an even keel as to not cause an unnecessary uproar among Jake, Antonio and Petey. Rather than going up to my room and risk running into them, I searched the building for an obscure and empty TV lounge to watch some basketball. The third floor lounge fit all the requirements so I went in, turned on ESPN and sat on the couch to continue reminiscing of moments only moments ago.
Hunter had brought out the sides of me that were there once and faded away and the one that I had always been too afraid to show. I hadn’t had a meaningful conversation with anyone my age since Christine and I never was the one to start or continue conversations with perfect strangers. The sincerity in his eyes drew me into him and never let me go throughout the roller coaster that had become my life. He protected me and at the same time made me his equal and in doing so had made me the happiest man in existence. I owed him my life and if that’s what it came down to, I would do it no questions asked, just like I picked him up unprompted after talking about his brother. He needed me in the same way I needed him and having the privilege of being the guy to hold Hunter Reid up when he fell was all I needed.
Ohio State wasn’t playing yet so I was flipping back and forth between games until I realized I didn’t want to watch anything at all; I just wanted to take it all in. Reveling in the awe of it all was far better than any projected moving image could be. Laying there looking up at the white ceiling, I began to once again go through the day’s events. It had been crazy to say the least but it had all been worth it. Telling Hunter about the dream wasn’t exactly how I wanted to be more open about myself but his reaction proved to me that nothing would get in the way of our friendship, even if it was about my attraction towards him. But it wasn’t that that made me happy. Sure, his reaction set the stage for the rest of the day but it was his sharing with me that put a warm and fuzzy feeling inside me. He had changed my life and had been there for me but it wasn’t complete, it wasn’t a real relationship. It was like he was my psychiatrist that I could go bring my problems to as a nervous wreck and come out a new person. There was now a give and take and I knew he would be able to see me as I saw him.
I let that thought bounce around in my head for a while. I could see face both distraught and elated, his watery eyes and warm smile. I could feel his strong arms wrapped around me and his lips kissing my neck as I tilted my head and closed my eyes as we left. I still felt that and I leaned my head as I had done only minutes before to feel his soft hair against my cheek trying to relive that precious moment. Something about it all had felt so perfect, just like the handshake we shared after our first meeting. And yet despite its perfection it was lacking in something. It was odd because it truly was perfect but there was something that had been left out. “Maybe that nagging feeling isn’t about what happened, but anticipation of what’s to come.”
The more I thought about it, it seemed to make sense. Our first meeting had ended in a firm handshake, the second in a warm embrace and a soft kiss on the neck and cheek. What was going to come next? Another hug and cheek kiss? What would happen when there were other people around? Would it go back to a handshake or a regular hug or would it even make a difference? “Or what if it went further?”
Given the rapid progression of our relationship, it seemed like it would. Then again, my greetings with Jake and Antonio started with a handclasp and never progressed. Christine and I had obviously escalated our greetings but we had also dated. “She was the only relationship that escalated…so why am I sitting here going over this when so much else has happened?”
It didn’t make sense but there was just something missing, Hunter and I’s relationship hadn’t reached its full potential. But where else would it go? I had cried with him and he had come seconds from doing the same with me; we were both completely vulnerable and yet completely equal; we were each other’s rock and each other’s shoulder. The sequence of events made perfect sense with not a thing out of place, so how was something missing? As much as I wanted to think about other things, my brain refused to move onto bigger and better moments. This had to be sorted out.
“Where else could this go? But why does it even have to go anywhere? Sure, I had one of the best days of my life after it had started worse than any other day and I still feel like it’s supposed to go somewhere else. Why? And why am I even thinking about this instead of trying to take it all in?” I thought back to the moment outside of his dorm, wanting to reminisce but could only analyze. I could see Hunter standing in front of me, his eyes staring back into mine as the words we thought were transferred silently between us, the hint of a smile and the small droop in his eyes that showed how happy he was to be there and how sad he would be moments later, the way his disheveled hair fell around his brow, the way his slightly scruffy jaw tickled my neck as he kissed it, the way his hands rested on my waist. Then the scene began to change to the shower from my dream and his red shirt was gone revealing his chest, lats, arms and abs. I quickly sat upright, eyes wide and breathing heavier.
“What…the…fuck…”
I had done this once already and had almost entirely forgotten about the dream thanks to Hunter but it was back. I needed to not be thinking about him like that, I needed to think about how much of a great friend he was, I needed to think about the way he comforted me and not about the way we rubbed our rock hard dicks together in a dream. I was furious with myself. I wasn’t as mad about the having the dream itself, although it is something to be confused about, as much as I was about it involving Hunter. He shouldn’t have to deal with my newfound identity crisis, even if he was the driving force behind it. And I was happy for the first time in a really long time and I couldn’t have anything ruin it. “Not again,” I thought.
I tried getting back on topic and ignoring the detour and thought back to what I was thinking before. “Where our relationship would go from here…fan-fucking-tastic…” The topic couldn’t be avoided any longer. Was that really what I missed? Was that really where our relationship would go? It wouldn’t be a big deal if I wasn’t straight, but I am. I always have been. I’ve liked girls my whole life and I love titties, a lot. Having sex with Christine was amazing and pounding her doggie style made me go crazy. I loved sucking on her nipples and I even enjoyed giving her oral sex. What else does it take to prove I’m straight? “Not liking the other option.” The logic was there but it scared the living shit out of me because it meant screwing up Hunter and I’s perfect friendship.
“What if I tried it with some other guy?...wait am I really rationalizing kissing a dude?” This had to stop. “But how are you going to make it stop? You know when you think about shit like this, it’s going to stick with you until you do something about it.”
It was true. This had logical merit to it and was crucial to my new identity. Would I even be able to avoid the subject while talking to Hunter? Probably not for long and that alone could be enough to turn the best friendship I’ve ever had into a disaster. I couldn’t let that happen, I wouldn’t let that happen. I took a couple of moments to calm down and run through the logic one last time. It was still sound and that only meant one thing – getting with another dude.
“You’ve been through this once already, you can do this again. It doesn’t even have to change anything, you could still be straight at the end of the experiment. Plus, this is not as big of a deal as the sex dream. This can be with someone you have never met, not your best friend.” This was once again true. The most awkward part of the sex dream was that it was about Hunter. The experiment would have to take place in real life but it would involve a guy with no knowledge of the situation and a guy I would never see again. “My plan is to have a gay booty call…what has my life come to?”
I was stuck in a place somewhere between delusional and insane, I was scared out of my mind but I was also weirdly excited. I always had plans for the future and this was the first time I lacked that crystal ball but I had plans to get it back. My life had become open-ended and while I now might end up a homeless bum, there were endings that were better than Dan the businessman. I could be Daniel the…something not business if I listened to Professor Swick. And the very thought of that brought a smile as big as did when I saw Hunter…well maybe a little bit smaller.
I took one last deep breath turned back towards the TV to check the action. Ohio State had built a comfortable lead but I still watched. Despite the fact that my life had been upturned in a day and a half, despite me making the logical decision to make a gay booty call and despite me having no idea where this would put my life, I was able to sit comfortably and watch a relatively boring basketball game. I had been freaking out minutes earlier but I settled into a calm now that I had a plan. Sure, I’d be nervous in executing just like I had been earlier but the fact that I knew where I was going even if I didn’t know the destination was enough. It should be completely out of my comfort zone and yet it wasn’t. Plans were supposed to be about getting to a destination, not about finding out where you’re going. “Maybe that’s just for Dan.” It was a cheesy line and something that could only be determined after spending more time as Daniel but even after this short time, it seemed like Daniel would be ok with all of this.
And with that I turned my full attention back to the Ohio State Buckeyes’ basketball team.
To be continued…
. Again, REALLY sorry for the lack of updates but I just wanted to pop in and say hi to everyone, especially those of you who also read my good friend inthecloset's story Wings of a Butterfly. AMAZING story that you should all read if you aren't already. He mentioned me so I thought I'd shout out to everyone that I'm in fact alive and decently well and have been thinking of you all!!! Mwah! <3
