Depressed and tired of being a fuck up (no job, no man, no hope)

[JayQueer]

I'm just so disgusted at my life. No, disgusted is not the right word because that would mean that I still have some passion inside me. I feel like I am shell of who I was a few years ago, and part of me doesn't care about what happens to me anymore. I'm in my late 20s but I feel like I am in my late 60s. Today, I had a doctor appointment for a physical and my doctor showed me my blood results which show that I have really high cholesterol, and I'm at severe risk for heart and kidney problems in the coming years. Not to mention that I'm overweight.

About 5 years ago I was on the fast track to success. But I had a difficult time coming to terms with my sexuality, and amid the chaos my grades in grad school suffered & I was kicked out. I've been struggling to find my direction ever since.

All of my childhood friends are now successful lawyers, doctors, dentists and pharmacists. Meanwhile, I'm buried in thousands upon thousands of dollars in student loan debt and no way to get out. My parents remind me that I am the biggest disappointment in their lives, at least once a week. And now, I'm starting to receive invitations to my friends' engagement parties, weddings, housewarming parties, and other celebratory events as they're finding their life partners and happiness. I feel like crying sometimes because I feel like those professional accomplishments and personal milestones (getting engaged/married, buying a house, having children, etc) should have been happening to me..

Sometimes, I feel like this is a nightmare & this isn't real -- only I know this is my reality. I now live day to day, ashamed & humiliated of my own shadow.

Beyond my disappointment about my (lack of) career, if I am dead tomorrow, the sad thing is that I will have never experienced love. I don't care about sex -- I'm not good at having sex anyway. I don't care if he's white, black, asian, latino or whatever or if he has one leg and rides in a wheelchair. I just wish I was lucky to have a man who I could care about and love unconditionally, and someone who would love me back.

What do you guys think I should do or go from here?

 

[BrendonM91]

I think you should seek professional help dude. It's quite clear that you are suffering from depression. Whether you go a medication route or therapy, get some form of help and support man.

I can honestly say I've felt much of what you are feeling, and still do to an extent. However the only person who an truly change your outlook and feelings is yourself. It's clear your self esteem and self worth are non existent, zero confidence and zero direction. These are the things you're going to have to change first before you can start focussing on finding love, unfortunately.

Apart from getting professional help, might I suggest look at getting back into grad school. It will give you something to focus on, give some direction and will give you some sense of achievement in some area of your life, thus giving you a small boost in confidence ni yourself and restore some semblance of self worth and also to stick it to your parents.

Now health issues, those depending on severity can be either removed altogether or at least made better in some way. Change of diet, remove as much SHIT from your diet as possible, loose the sugary drinks and high fat and salt meals. Not remove them completely as this will doom you to failure, allow yourself some of those things, but only in small quantities, a successful diet is one that means that you eat clean and healthy while occassionaly having those "naughty" foods, allowing yourself those types of food in moderation will stop you from feeling as if you are missing out on something and will be the key to successfully dieting. Exercise, exercise, exercise. And LOTS of good quality sleep. I don't mean 12hours of sleep a day and wake up you're still tired, I'm takling quality sleep where you wake up refreshed and energised.

Put yourself into new social situations, get out of your four walls and explore.

You can't expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself. It's a hard but true lesson to learn man.

 

[bruce379]

I think the first order of business is for you to get a job to get a routine going. I suggest Starbucks - at least they have good health insurance and benefits. It also builds discipline. Just to get the ball rolling and just to get yourself together. And once you're working, get yourself out of a victim mentality. Move out of the house. And learn to be humble. Look what's ahead and try to finish your graduate degree if it's possible, if it's a science or engineering degree, so much the better.

I've washed dishes, cleaned toilets, did construction, etc. as long as it's honest work then it's something noble. Save. Then, plan.
It might even be better if you do manual labor or wait tables. Think of it as exercise and learning marketing and salesmanship. I know for a fact that some companies hire people with bartending and waiting experience for sales and marketing positions because they know firsthand how to sell.

Do not be jealous of others' success. Rather, be humble and work hard to achieve a goal. Jealousy and envy will only eat your self-worth. Other people are worse off than you are. Just have a little courage, and a proper outlook.

Good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

That man you're in need of is you. You really will be in a better place if you're able to get some mental health therapy to accept who you are, identify strengths and weakness and begin to act upon the weaknesses using your strengths. You would be well-served to stop comparing yourself to others and assuming all is well with them.

Getting on track health wise and academically will give you the confidence to look for a partner. As you settle into that some of these earlier achievers will be breaking up. Relationships aren't a be all or necessarily a done deal and do nothing to fix inner hurt except to sometimes provide a band-aid.

You come first young man. Take care of yourself.

 

[Telstra]

Your English is very good.
You can go to India to teach English. And plenty of men for you too. Now that is successful living.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You can begin by stop lashing out against the people around you. You're seeking help from this community, but you spend so much time criticizing others on this forum. This makes most members bristle at your pleas for help. I have no support to offer you, because you've written and re-written these same threads before. Members offer you constructive feedback on how to change your life for the better, and instead you continue your pity party without positive change.

We can't help you, neither are we concerned for your poor life choices that have made you miserable. Only you can help yourself.

 

[palbert]

JQ, you have gotten some excellent comments.

It is yours to act on it.

I wish you well.

 

[nycguydowntown]

At your age exercise and diet can change your blood readings ---and will also make you feel better about yourself if you lose some weight. Also be open to new ideas---you seem to doctrinaire in the way you live life--- and your current ideas are taking you no where. Feel bad for you and hope you will feel better soon.

 

[sixthson]

JQ, I am sorry you are going through this. Your life is not over, however. I think you do need help to sort through personal, academic and career issues....things you probably can't find here, but only with professional help or at least from your real life friendships. When you feel like you have it coming at you from all directions, the temptation is to give up. Think of this as a time in your life to begin anew. Ignore what your parents say to you. If you were in grad school, that means you have a college degree of some kind. What can you do with it to start over?

 

[TX-Beau]

Hola Jayqueer. I'm going to give you some tough love. This thread is the same one you've posted in here at least twice before over the past couple of years. You are getting the same advice you did the last time.

It's all going to boil down to you having to do something about you. We can't solve this for you, you have to do that.

Were you not in therapy? How did that go? Were you not advised to move away from your homophobic family? Any progress on that? Were you not advised to see to your health? What have you tried?

If your depression is clinically severe YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. I realize that motivating yourself is easier said than done, but there is nothing we can do beyond say the same things to you we did last time.

Try taking control of something in your life, it doesn't have to be something big, just something, small steps are fine.

 

[Rolyo85]

Last time you posted here, it was with a plea to stop you from committing suicide. At this point it just feels like emotional blackmail. Sucks that you feel the way you do. And if I had seen ANY change in your behavior or circumstances in the years I've been here, I'd have attempted to give you advice. But it's pointless, isn't it? And after all the criticisms and insults you heap on us, it really feels a little undeserved, doesn't it?

 

[JayQueer]

Thank you to everyone with the comments. So to answer a few of the questions,

I do have a psychiatrist in a liberal part of L.A. but he is expensive ($200 per office visit) and he doesn't take insurance. So I haven't been going lately because it's hard to afford him. My parents sent me to an Indian psychiatrist who does take insurance but he started acting like he was my father and asked me why I threw my whole life away. Then he went on to ask me how I was sure I was gay and whether I should give women a chance, and then finally he told me that I would face a lot of professional hardships and social difficulties if I wanted to be openly gay. So I didn't go back to see him after that first visit.

I've been saving money over the past couple years & from a part-time summer job I had, so I'm moving to an apartment later this month. I can't afford West Hollywood (or anything in the nice parts of L.A.), but I'm moving closer to L.A., but still in the suburbs. My parents are worried about me and they just told me this morning that I'm going to start hanging out with men who will use me for sex and throw me away.

 

[KaraBulut]

The thing with walking in circles is that you can go as far as you can go, but you'll always end up back at the same place.

And ultimately, that's the pattern here. The question is how much of this might be cyclical depression - something that you might want to talk with your doctor about. Beyond that, these are things that you do need to sort out with a therapist- not necessarily a psychiatrist. A good therapist who works with sexual orientation issues is probably going to be more successful in helping you sort trough these day to day issues and break the circular cycle that you seem to find yourself in.

 

[Rolyo85]

Good luck with moving away from your family. I mean that. Your parents are super toxic and hateful, and being away from them will immediately improve your self-esteem big time.

 

[chrisrobin]

Good luck with moving away from your family. I mean that. Your parents are super toxic and hateful, and being away from them will immediately improve your self-esteem big time.

Sorry you feel the way you do. Learn to love yourself. You can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself first.

Stop beating up on yourself. You don't need any help with this.

Promise me you always remember:

You're braver than you believe.
Stronger than you seem.
and smarter than you think.

(the real) Christopher Robin to Pooh

Don't try to fix everything at once.

If West Hollywood is too expensive, you might want to investigate Long Beach. It has a substantial gay community and it's not a bad place to live.

Stop watching Fox and listening to talk radio. Learn to think for yourself. Be independent.

In view of the high cost of psychiatric care, you might consider applying for Social Security Disability.

Play this at least once a week. We're all swans, amigo. You just don't know it yet.

Good luck. Don't forget to keep us posted...

 

[bankside]

I don't care if he's white, black, asian, latino or whatever or if he has one leg and rides in a wheelchair. I just wish I was lucky to have a man who I could care about and love unconditionally, and someone who would love me back.

What do you guys think I should do or go from here?

JayQueer, that is the first thing I remember reading from you that, whether I agreed[SUP]1[/SUP] or disagreed[SUP]2[/SUP] you just laid it out from the heart with no pretence or fear of showing who you really are. For the first time I think you've said what you want. Not what you aspire to, or what you think you should want, but what would actually make you happy.

You have a beautiful dream. So what you do is work on your education, work on your career, work on meeting people who are white, black, asian, latino, or one-legged and being good company for them, so that when you do meet that guy, you will be ready.







1.(rarely but true)
2.(usually, but not so important)