depression in young gay men-discuss

[Rand]

I do feel that there are not enough good role models for gays and therefore all we have are these negative, mean-spirited, hateful words spewed by Baptist and Republicans and other RR clones.

Because of all the negativity, yes, we gays do not accept ourselves and fail to realize just how special and wonderful we are. I love that some of the stories posted here reflect normal loving relationships for gays, show us as just slightly superior and better human-beings than the normal breeders.

It is good for gays to realize just what great potential we possess and how we have contributed to the greater good of civilization. Some might read this as being totally tongue-in-cheek, but truly, there is only a slight bias.

We are better in many respects than breeders; we have contributed vast amounts of beauty and wisdom and compassion to the world's civilization. We should always support other gays and lesbians and help each other accept ourselves and celebrate our lives.

 

[treanir]

I think a large part of it is due to a feeling of isolation. I know that for a long time, despite series like Will and Grace and films like A Beautiful Thing, I felt like I was the only gay man on earth. I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't convince my feeling of that fact.

I don't know if this goes for everyone or even a small part of homosexuals on earth, but this was a big deal for me.

 

[Pringle]

Yep I have done the depression self hating thing. The self pity that comes with it is crap. I certainly don't think I have suffered as bad as some - there have always been good things in my life so the lows haven't been as bad as they could have been.

I think my issues were caused by looking at what everyone else had (envy I suppose), it all seemed so damn easy for them and yet I was struggling to even determin what I wanted let alone how to achieve it.

Well and truely over it now though - not so sure I grew out of it - more I took the opportunity to take control of what I wanted and worried less about the stuff outside my capabilities. Surronded myself with some fine friends and concentrated on improving the more achievable aspects of my life (job etc).

Strangely once I had managed to do that I saw the rest of the world a lot clearer. It then became apparent that the things I had been beating myself up about were not as they first seemed - I had viewed others through rose tinted glasses and had seemingly ignored their problems. Now their issues weren't the same as mine but issues none the less.

This stark realisation that the grass ain't always greener made me realise that self pity was an unattractive quality with no benefits and I vowed never to let it get to me again.

Not sure if this is any help or even the insight you were after, but my thoughts as requested.

 

[Homoerectus]

Yes, I have metioned this before without any response. I know too many gay men who have chronic depression for this to be coincidence. How ironic, gay and depressed.

Guys, don't put down the Baptist too much. The Catholic church condemns homosexuality but many priest seem to practice it and with children. Many other denominations condemn homosex. Now I agree the Baptist have their share of bigoted crackpots. I remember when Baptist ministers preached racial segregation was taught by the Bible.

 

[drhladnjak]

I had several bouts of depression when I was younger from about age 13 to 21. The worst (and last) happened in my third year of college though, when I basically fell for my straight roommate. At the time, I was very much in the closet and held the view that I could never be happy, was unattractive and a coward.

As I recovered from that with the help of some SSRIs under the care of a doctor, my view of the world changed a lot. I never had a true depressive episode again by deciding that I had to accept on faith the fact that life is worth living and that I had to live my life for myself. I still was sure I'd never be happy with my personal life though. I then set out to find happiness in my professional life which led to a long stint in grad school looking for happiness there. It didn't work and I was miserable, but at least I wasn't depressed.

Eventually, I accepted myself as being gay then shortly afterwards left graduate school to start my career. The longer I'm out, the more I realize how much of my depression and generally unhappy parts of my life came about from internal conflict over my sexuality. At the same time though, I'm not sure what I could have done differently. At one point I was seeing a therapist who even asked me if I was gay. I dismissed it at the time and we never spoke of it again. I only saw him three times because he had limited openings and wanted me to see somebody else for longer than he could accomodate. I couldn't afford it at the time being a poor student and was too proud to try the free clinic downtown I do wonder sometimes how things would have panned out if I had kept going and if that issue had come up again.

 

[drhladnjak]

Guys, don't put down the Baptist too much. The Catholic church condemns homosexuality but many priest seem to practice it and with children. Many other denominations condemn homosex. Now I agree the Baptist have their share of bigoted crackpots. I remember when Baptist ministers preached racial segregation was taught by the Bible.

Southern Baptists in particular are probably the most anti-gay large denomination in America today. If I only had a dollar for every gay guy I met living in North Carolina who a) had either been cut off by his Southern Baptist parents for being gay or b) was living in terror of such a thing happening lest they come out or be outed.

 

[Centexfarmer]

The first time that I got really depressed was when I was 12 and my grandmother had died. I didn't know that I was depressed, it's just that life didn't seem worth living.

The bouts would come and go over the years, and it got to a point where I thought that my feelings were "normal." This was life, and this was how I was supposed to feel.

There would be good times where I would feel better, but would then feel guilty about feeling so good, and would become depressed again. Most of that related to coming out, and self-esteem issues.

Things began to change when I got away from my family, and out of Texas for awhile. I became me in the process. I discovered, that not only was I not alone, but that there were other guys out there who felt the same way.

I opened up, and allowed myself the chance to see people the way that they saw me, and discovered that I'm not that bad of a person. In fact, I am pretty well liked.

It's those friendships and relationships that I made that helped me through those dark days of depression.

The best advice that I got was from a friend who said, "Depression is nothing more than anger without action." So whenever I felt depression creeping up on me, I would ask myself, what am I angry about? What hurt or disappointment is sending my feelings into this direction?

Once I identified what that was, then I set about changing it, accepting it, or removing it from my life.

We can't change losing a loved one, or a relationship, or whatever, but what we can do is to focus on our truth in the moment, and move forward from there.

So long as I'm focussing on where I'm headed/going, as opposed to where I've been, then my life goes where my mind/heart go.

This is a hard topic to discuss in a medium like this. There are so many nuances, and details that get lost. But it's in important topic to be discussed for sure. Thanks from posting!








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[Rali_hates_Mondays]

Depression affects everyone but some hide it even better than others. The trick to prevent it is just to talk to someone about what is getting you down. Not all forms of depression can be treated this way but through this way it does not become chronic.

Toss-jamez, I totally get what you say about acceptance in the gay scene. Yes people can get acceptance but in the form of sex. If you really want real gay friends then make sure you join a gay group. Unlike the gay scene, there is no pressure to have sex at all. You're just there to socialise and it is here, not in gay bars, where you will find real people, who aren't gonna use you for sex.

http://www.gayyouthuk.org.uk/yourregion/youth_groups.phtml?area=Yorkshire

 

[kallipolis]

When the human being empties itself of its self focus to where it transfer its priorities to wards those in greater need, self respect re-establishes itself in that person and depressing thoughts become the lessons we learn for having been so self possessed.

 

[Alive and Free]

i can certainly understand why.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

I've gone through it, and I think it's better handling it alone than actually telling someone. I've lost a lot of people that said they wanted to be my friend because I talked about my depression with them. I've learned to not discuss it with people.

 

[ZERO_Akira]

I'm still going through it and it's hard for me, but I think it's better to find one person who you can trust, tell all your problems, who will hear you out gladly a try helping you.

 

[luminum]

i still find myself getting depressed..but I'ms till sort of a youngin' anyway.

I guess it just takes time and maturity to get through self-pity :/

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Toss,

Thank you for starting this thread mate...people like you who have the courage to talk about their own lives and issues are the reason JUB is such a great place. Your thread simply adds to the list of guys who are willing to bare their souls for the good of others. It put you in some pretty good company mate....

Depression is such a personal thing...thats the hard part. It affects everyone so differently and to such varying degrees. While the technical definition remains constant the personal results seem to vary so wildly...everyone seems to have their own reasons or their own triggers. And they have their own demons to fight to get over it. It can affect anyone...and everyone. Its not something to hide or be ashamed of. Its a real and serious issue.

All we can do is listen to the brave amongst us like yourself Toss and try to understand. Thanks again for your strength and courage.

 

[neruda]

are we recluse by nature?/

 

[light]

I definitely have been through depression in my teenage years, particularly 13-15 when I was very new and confused. I couldn't accept it, I had attraction to both sexes, but I was more attracted to guys - which might mean that I could be a bisexual, but then I learnt (wrote to a local aunt agony column, I couldn't stand suffering in silence) that labels are not important.

I still feel the occasional depression and isolation, because I didn't have the chance to meet up with anybody who are also gay (I'm living in Malaysia - society and government in large does not accept homosexuality). My sexuality is only revealed to a few friends I trust, and the fact that they accept me for who I am.. I don't know how to express how glad I am to have them.

I feel very lonely at times, especially when I see friends who have boyfriends or girlfriends, and the fact that I'm not remotely good-looking and have a skinny frame doesn't help my self-esteem either. I've been a long lurker at JUB, and only feel compelled to post these few days.

But I'm still glad that there are friendly people here who continue to give good, sound advice. But still, one longs to meet similar gay people in real life.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

I feel very lonely at times, especially when I see friends who have boyfriends or girlfriends, and the fact that I'm not remotely good-looking and have a skinny frame doesn't help my self-esteem either. I've been a long lurker at JUB, and only feel compelled to post these few days.

But I'm still glad that there are friendly people here who continue to give good, sound advice. But still, one longs to meet similar gay people in real life.

I kind of relate to this, as about 80% of the people I talk to on the Internet have partners, and most of them talk about nothing but their relationship, how great their boyfriends are, and how much they love them. I've gone through the periods of not feeling like I'm that good looking enough and I'm not skinny, I have a chubby to overweight body that probably doesn't get the guys attention much. Living in California has shown me that you have to look good in order to get guys wanting you. Though some might call me a lying son of a bitch for saying that I found out that if you don’t have a good looking face men will pass by you as if you were invisible to them.

Since there are really no gay organizations here in the part of California I live in that help young gays that are depressed or suicidal it’s hard to really look for help. I talked to a friend who went to a psychiatrist and they were no help when it came to discussing about his sexuality. Therapy was no help for him either as it was just the same thing, after all the doctor’s he’s went through he says the only medicine best for helping depression is having someone listen to you, having friends be there for you to help you out. That’s something anti-depressants can’t do.

For me I knew that going to my parents would be a bad idea, because if they knew half of the feelings I’m feeling now they would throw me in a hospital and most likely keep me in the nut house. My Mother has mostly been brainwashed by my Grandma who thinks that depressed people are crazy and should be locked up. After hearing my Grandma say that to me I knew that I couldn’t count on my parents nor my Grandparents to help me through my depression. I’ve had it since 1998, so if my math is correct in 2007 it should be 10 years now, still trying to battle out of it to this very day. I’ve gone through so many friends in the past that have given up on me because they felt it was too much for them.

There would be people who would tell me that they will try everything in their power to help me out, but after a while they give up on me, because it’s too much for them. A lot of the guys I talked to only talked to me because they wanted one thing, and one thing only sex, they didn’t care if I was depressed. I pretty much told them to fuck off if that’s what they considered to be a friendship. After getting the hint that telling people about my depression was a bad idea I didn’t tell anyone about it. I kept it all to myself, I’ve gone through some bad shit in my Internet days, and it only made things worse for me.

Now that I have physical friends which was last year, I don’t tell them at all about me being depressed, I pretend that everything is fine with me that I don’t have any problems in my life, when I go out to hang with them which is rare because usually I see them only once every three months I show no real emotion that might trigger my depression only once did I almost slip during Disneyland when I cried, thankfully I had my sunglasses on but it helped. I try everything to not lose these friends, because I know that if I lose these ones it will take years to find more like them. It’s like they took me under their wing, they helped me understand the gay communities, all the different types of men out there. That’s something nobody showed me.

The point of this sad pathetic story of my life with depression, sometimes therapy won’t work, sometimes anti depressants won’t work, even though some might be able to handle it, it only helps for so long until you’re depressed and lonely again. If people are able to find help groups for gays go for it, not many people have this option because sometimes depending on where you might be located at there might be no such thing in your area. Friends can help; they can be there to listen to your problems, to help you out with the baby steps of things you might not be able to handle in your life alone. JUB has been a great place for advice, everyone has their own story to tell, people can learn from it, and people can relate to it.

Everyone should have someone to help with this kind of thing.

 

[drhladnjak]

queerboi021: I have to disagree. The most visible glbt-related activist issue getting the most money, time and press coverage right now is without a doubt the fight for gay marriage. In fact, I'd say groups like HRC have focused on marriage to the detriment of other issues such as anti-discrimination laws and health programs that affect those of us who are non-coupled.

Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I'm just not seeing anybody (let alone a majority) these days pushing all that hard for reckless sexual liberation. Can you give me some examples of this? I'm just not seeing it personally. Of course, I only speak here to the situation in the US. Perhaps you're in another country?

 

[jockboy01]

I am a homosexual because I am attracted to men. I want to form a true spiritual connection with another man and have a long lasting, meaningful, and intimate relationship. It seems to me that a portion of the modern gay movement shares this desire as they push for gay marriage rights, while the majority of the movement continues to fight for the right to have a stranger's dick up their butt, swallow infected semen, and then spread their infection to others.

I was just curious if you are closeted or not. I only ask, b/c I used to think this was the case when I was closeted. But the more and more I see of the gay community, the less this appears to be true imo. Online it seems this way for sure, but in the real world, I see lots of fighting going on for equal rights without regard to the whole sex scene. And I assure you that there are a lot of guys out there very much like yourself that want a connection to another guy rather than a quick screw.

Back on topic a bit... depression and suicide amongst homosexual youth is definitely higher than amongst their heterosexual counterparts. And most of the reasons have been mentioned. I think part of it is simply the fact that coming to terms with being gay is such an isolated struggle. Nobody wants to tell anybody b/c you don't want anybody to know. Therefore, you have to figure everything out on your own and only after that are you able to start to talk to others about it. Unlike most problems that we share with others in an attempt to solve them, accepting this part of us remains a very private and lonely affair.

 

[drhladnjak]

I was just curious if you are closeted or not. I only ask, b/c I used to think this was the case when I was closeted. But the more and more I see of the gay community, the less this appears to be true imo. Online it seems this way for sure, but in the real world, I see lots of fighting going on for equal rights without regard to the whole sex scene. And I assure you that there are a lot of guys out there very much like yourself that want a connection to another guy rather than a quick screw.

Thank you for that jockboy. I wanted to say something similar, but I felt I couldn't do it in a nice way.

Queeboi: I poked around some other posts that you made and from those it sounds like you've only recently came out of the closet, so I expect your views may improve as you get to meet a broader cross-section of gay men.