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Desperate for relationship advice

LoveIsNow

LoveIsNow

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I would not say that he isn't aroused by you; it sounds like he quite probably is. The issue seems fairly obvious to me. You say that he used to be a "big-time ho bag" and had indiscriminate sex with people he didn't love. Now, he has you and you are, according to him, the love of his life.

He had already developed a very unhealthy attitude about sex, i.e. that it is something that you do casually with no emotion behind it. He doesn't see it as something you do with someone whom you love. I can see this in that even when you do have sex, you do hand jobs; I doubt he only did hand jobs with all of those other people. Because he associates other types of sex with being a ho bag, he doesn't want to do them with you.

I would say that this is something that you can definitely work through if you try and I would sat that it sounds like he needs to be helped through this, because if you decide to leave him, he will continue to have this problem in future relationships. I would suggest a few things. First you should try to initiate other types of sex yourself, but don't just go through the motions - constantly tell him and show him that you love him so he will learn that sex can be tender and passionate. Also, you may want to try another type of sex besides the traditional anal , such as frot (which I personally find very romantic), as something new to him that the two of you can do together; if you want to do other things, that can be a jumping off point for easing him into that.

Good Luck.
 
I think LoveIsNow has a good point, and I was thinking the same thing as I read your post.

This is clearly an issue for you, though, and with good reason. It bothers me that he's dismissive of your needs and concerns. It could be that he doesn't consciously realize what's behind his less-than-your interest in sex. If what LoveIsNow said is true (and I think there's a good chance it is), then he needs coaching on how to connect the emotion of love with the physical expression of it. It can be done, but it'll take some time and coaching.

You can do that, if you're able and willing, although it can be tricky because you're so close to the situation and emotionally involved. Or, a guiding professional can probably help too in helping him explore his feelings about sexual acts (in addition to talking with him privately and unearthing the exact nature of his low drive).

Good luck. I know this is frustrating, especially so new into a relationship. There's got to be a reason, and I doubt it's personal to you. He probably DOES think you're the love of his life. Now, he just needs to give himself permission to express it.
 
The interesting thing is that the two of you have exactly the opposite problem.

Read your first post in the thread. You talked about how much he loves you but you never said that you loved him.

He has an issue letting go and being vunerable emotionally when it's connected to sex. He seems to love you but he just can't show it in the bedroom.

You have an issue letting go sexually, even when there's emotions connected to the sex. But you crave the demonstration and physical proof that he loves you.

It sounds like there's something in this relationship for you both. But maybe both of you should both consider counseling?
 
This is almost exactly the story of my first real relationship. He was also an ex-slut, with a very vigorous sex drive. He moved in with me mostly because he wanted the companionship, but the frequency of our sex kept getting less and less.

He was always in denial and told me that he was attracted to me, but never seemed to be in the mood when I approached him. Years later I found out that he used to masturbate in the shower every day, and cheated on me whenever he went on a business trip. You can imagine how that made me feel.

I think the simple answer was that he just wasn't turned on by me after the first year or so. I wasted a lot of time trapped in that relationship because I was scared to be on my own.

I'm not saying that that's exactly what's happening in your case, but I think you have to consider the possibility. Counseling might help, or you might just have to be brave and say "I love you, but this relationship isn't meeting my needs and I have to move on before too much time goes by."
 
The problem was never the sex. The sex is just a symptom of a more serious flaw in the relationship.

Well, the fact that we're 3 months later and nothing has improved and neither of you has been willing to change or make an investment in counseling to save things... well, that pretty much is the nail in coffin.

End it while you can still be friends.

As for the new guy, given the pattern of procrastination, it might be the motivation that you need to get you out of the inertia of your current relationship.

But clean up the old situation before you get too far into a new situation.
 
Even though every situation is different, every experience I have had or discussed with friends were the sex in a relationship is either bad or infrequent has led to the demise of the relationship. Speaking personally, I was dating a great guy - physically my type, very smart - but the sex was just bad and because it was bad it became infrequent. The truth was there were some attraction issues that were masked by our friendship. And to be even more truthful, I was simply too big for his taste. He liked thin guys and I am not. Believe it or not, even though I was sad, I could understand why the relationship ended. And I also understood that it was better that the end came when it did because we were actually thinking of moving to another city together and I would have been one pissed off mofo if I had moved only to get dumped.
 
It's time either to end the relationship or for both of you to attend counseling. If you two could solve the problem on your own, it would have already happened. If you are willing to try counseling and he's not, then I would end the relationship. My guess is that he has some serious unresolved issues in his past that he's suppressing. Often people who behave in this manner were victims of sexual abuse. Note, I didn't say always and I certainly don't know the caused of his issue. One thing is clear, he does have an issue. Unless he's willing to get help, things won't get better. You can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink. There's no reason for you to be unhappy with someone who won't try to resolve the problem. If he does get counseling, don't expect things to get better overnight.

Edit: I just read that you guys might not be able to afford counseling. That's a tough situation to be in. You should investigate to see if any free counseling is available in your area.
 
scootypuff said:
Isn't there some quote, "don't marry someone you love, marry someone who loves you"?
Click to expand...

Nah, you have to have it going both ways.

Because if you don't, it all falls apart when times get rough for one or both of you.
 
I read your initial post and a lot of it sounded strangely familiar. I was in a straight marriage for 9 years. For the first 2 years of our marriage we had sex at least 4 times a week. As time went on it became less and less. There were times when it was over a month. We still got along and had a lot in common but a marriage without sex is hollow. I'm talking about meaningful, intimate sex btw. Nearly anyone can go on Craig's list and hook up but that is so different than "making love". Your are practically "playing house" right now. It sounds like both of you want the comfort and safety of this relationship but he doesn't want the intimacy and you are afraid of moving on. Take my advice and move on. It's going to hurt but you will get on with your life. Your relationship is stuck. Your just spinning your wheels and not getting anyplace. He obviously is content with the way things are. Your not. Don't wait 9 years like I did.
 
If you need to ask the 'should I go on like this' question, then the answer is 'No.'

And you know this already. His past history, your sexual incompatibility and the fact that you began living together so soon make this relationship a non-starter. All that remains is to see if you can grow up, overcome your inertia, and make a logical decision about what you ultimately want from life and the best way to achieve it.

The prospects of being able to continue living together in a non-sexual relationship are poor.
 
If a doctor said he was depressed, that may have been going on for some time now, maybe years. Don't think his depression is a result of his relationship with you. His inability to connect with you on all levels may be the result of a long standing depression. Don't blame yourself.
 
I would move on - Situations like this are rare to improve. Find bigger and better.
 
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