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Did anyone here come out to their family late in life (30s and beyond)?

J

JustMe5

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It would seem that most gay men come out to their family while either in their teens or in their 20s. If you came out late(r) in life, could you describe what your experience was like with that?
 
Not quite 30s, but late 20s.
I told my mom over the phone. She was surprised, but reassured me that it wouldn't change anything and then came to visit to chat over lunch about a week later.
She told my dad who had figured it out on his own anyway.

Life has pretty much gone on as normal since then. That being said, I'm still single so I don't know what it will be like if I get around to introducing a boyfriend (I don't expect them to react badly, but it could be awkward).

All in all it was pretty uneventful.
 
I just came out to my Mom last week. I'm 41, so I'm not what you would call a spring chicken. She really took it great. I started by telling her that I had a deep secret since childhood and that I thought the time was right for her to know. After I told her, I explained how much I had hurt over the years and been scared of someone finding out. To make a long story short, she said nothing could change her love for me and that I was the same person. We also talked about religion (since my Mom is pretty religious). We both come to the same conclusion that true Christians would not judge someone.

Before it was over with, I told her I had to come out. I wanted to move on with life and to start developing relationships. The funny thing was explaining gaydar and grindr. Oh boy!

I really wish I had come out to her earlier. I still have my Dad to tell. He isn't in the best of health so I'm scared of how he will take it emotionally.

I just finished a book that may help you and anyone else thinking of coming out. It is called "A Way Out" by Christopher Lee Nutter. I think it can help anyone that struggles with coming out.

Good luck. It isn't as bad as we make it to be.
 
I told my mom at 28, Dad had pretty much figured it out and we were on a don't ask don't tell policy. We didn't talk much beyond shop so it did not matter to me. Now I am a pretty masculine guy or so I am told and many wouldn't think I was gay, but I knew deep down my mom knew. She had her suspicions and I thought that would make it better. To make a long story short I was kicked out of the family and family business which drove them into bankruptcy (i'm doing fine) and it all came crumbling down. You know what - it was going to anyway. My parents just aren't very educated or open-minded. They are hard workers and both immigrants to this country. It is what it is. Things have gotten better, but they are not going to be good ever. Parents have this odd self-serving view of christiantiy. Therapy with and without my mom have led me to believe that they won't ever really fully integrate me into the family unless someone dies or I have a kid. Oh well, I'm living my life as I think all gay men of any age should. You have to be happy in life, you only live this life once, here and now ... today.
My partner and I have had 6 great years, we are both still young and have a long life ahead of us. My parents will eventually stop fighting or maybe they won't, but I can't live for them, I have to live for me. It's sad to say, but my mom and dad are like the only people in my family that have such a huge problem with my life. I'm sure there are others that might have nasty things to say, but I get respect and all of my peers and contemporary family support me for who I am. My partner didn't have this problem, but he wasn't the first openly gay member of his family. I am the trailblazer in mine (out at least, my mom's sister happens to be a lesbian, lol - yeah who saw that coming?) and I'll gladly make it easier for those that come after me. After all I am the cool rich gay uncle. One day my partner and I will have our own children, but for now our two dogs are just great. Life is good and it only gets better. Life is 90% how you take it and 10% how you make it.
Good luck to all.
 
Raised pretty religious and married a (really nice) girl at 23. I eventually lost my faith over existential things (not just hostility to gays in the church) which got rid of the need to keep trying to pray away the gay. That was about 5 years into the marriage. By the time I knew my attraction for men wasn't going away, our married life was going really well so I was afraid of ruining it. At year 10, we were thinking about kids and I thought she should know before we had any. So, at 33, I came out to her.

We kept it private while we were figuring out what to do. After deciding divorce was really the best option, I've told nearly everyone.

So far no regrets. My family has been super supportive. Sad, because they like her, but really kind and supportive for me. It's been weirder with extended family, but they still love me. Some friends have been surprised, but a lot have said they either knew or weren't surprised. To quell speculation, I even eventually came out on Facebook. If anyone had negative feelings, they've abided by the Thumper rule.

My only real wish is that I had done it a lot sooner. It would have been less painful for her, and would have given me more time with this amazing lightness from being out.
 
I was in my mid thirties. I know a guy (not well) who came out last month at 58.
 
I came out to my family at 41,i thought they may have worked it out but they all seemed rather surprised but totaly suportive.

At least when you are a bit more mature people seem to accept it rather than saying your confused etc.

It was the best thing to do,so much better not having to lie about things or change the subject when girls come up in conversation.
 
You know, I've always had the belief that it is easier for today's generation in coming out than older generations. The more I think about it, I agree with CSM123 totally. I think for us older folks, it is much easier to come out without people thinking you are young in life and confused.

You are never too old to start a new chapter in life and living it free of worry about being in the closet.
 
I came out to my family and friends when I was 30 (I'm 33 right now). My experience was amazing. I drove over to my parents one night after work (I sort of surprised them and showed up unexpectedly). I practiced what I was going to say the whole ride over there and I was nervous as hell.

They were watching the news on TV, and my dad offered me a beer, so we were all sitting there, and I waited for a quiet moment and said, "Can I tell you something?" Then my hands started shaking and my heart was racing. They turned down the tv, and I thought, "Oh crap. There's no turning back now." So I told them it was something I struggled with for a long time and I was sick of having to hide it and I said I'm gay. That was one of the best nights of my life. My dad said "You're our son and we will love you regardless, and we will support you in anything you do." My mom basically jumped up and came over and hugged me and said, "We still love you!" Then we talked about it for a while, then life went on as normal.

I told a majority of my friends through email (it was easier) and they have been amazing! One of my friends called me up when he got the email just to talk to me about it and tell me it wouldn't change our friendship at all. He's been an amazing friend. All of my friends have been the same. My extended family has been the same -- they have been surprisingly loving. It's been a very reassuring thing to see all the love and acceptance that is around me.

Hope this helps! :)
 
I came out at 45. It wasn't nearly the big deal that I feared it to be. In the end, all my fears and religious conditioning have kept me from doing this far too long.

Like many, I now wish I had done it in my 20's. But to be fair, times and life circumstances were different for me back then.

In the end, life is what it is. I now live it at peace. As for my family, no problems. Friends? I guess my true friends didn't care. But I also learned who my true friends are.

I lost only one, ironically who I cared for the most. He just quietly distanced himself from me.
But he's VERY religious and having been there myself, I forgive him. It's not truly his fault. Brainwashing will do that to you.

Good part is, I make better friends now.
 
I came out exactly a year ago, at age 33.

My dad was fine about it, and in the year since, he's been immensely supportive and kind. I told most of my family as well, and all are OK with it.

I moved away from home that year as well, for the first time. I now rent a room in a house with other gay guys.

As others have said, it really is never too late to change, and I've done things in the last year that I'd never have thought myself capable of.

I could NEVER have achieved it all without this place. Finding JUB was, for me anyway, the catalyst to making those changes in my life.
 
ChickenGuy said:
I could NEVER have achieved it all without this place. Finding JUB was, for me anyway, the catalyst to making those changes in my life.
Click to expand...

Me too, buddy. JUB is an amazing resource, no matter what age you are. ..|
 
After reading the responces since i posted it is amazing how many people find the courage to come out through being on here.I had not found this site but emptyclosets was my inspiration to come out.

The internet has opened so many doors for all of us,but for anyone struggling now there is so much scope to get support on line that these kind of forums are a total life changer.The other big advantage with the internet is that everybody gets exposed to a much wider spectrum of life which helps them become more open minded and accepting of differant cultures and lifestyles.
 
csm123 said:
After reading the responces since i posted it is amazing how many people find the courage to come out through being on here.I had not found this site but emptyclosets was my inspiration to come out.

The internet has opened so many doors for all of us,but for anyone struggling now there is so much scope to get support on line that these kind of forums are a total life changer.The other big advantage with the internet is that everybody gets exposed to a much wider spectrum of life which helps them become more open minded and accepting of differant cultures and lifestyles.
Click to expand...

It's absolutely true. Before I stumbled across JUB, I felt isolated, alone, and on the brink of suicide. I think I found JUB in a desperate attempt to reach out to SOMEONE.
Then I began to read.....

The rest, well, just read my early posts. JUB did save my life.
I often wish I had this resource when I was in my teens, but the internet didn't exist back then. I would have realized early on that I was not an abomination, and most CERTAINLY not alone. JUB, in the 70's, would have been a life changer for me.

That being said, I am so very happy every time another young man discovers this board and changes his life for the better because of it. I envy the youth of today. Times and communication have made things so much easier. I cannot get back the time I wasted because I felt like I was alone in the world back then, but it's nice to know that at least TODAY, there is no more reason to feel that way.
 
Audio Tech said:
I often wish I had this resource when I was in my teens, but the internet didn't exist back then. I would have realized early on that I was not an abomination, and most CERTAINLY not alone. JUB, in the 70's, would have been a life changer for me.

That being said, I am so very happy every time another young man discovers this board and changes his life for the better because of it. I envy the youth of today. Times and communication have made things so much easier. I cannot get back the time I wasted because I felt like I was alone in the world back then, but it's nice to know that at least TODAY, there is no more reason to feel that way.
Click to expand...
I come from a religious family also, so I can relate. Do young gays in general have it easier today? Of course. No question about it. There's no comparison when it comes to the resources for gay youths that exist today vs. growing up gay in decades past. I graduated high school in the 90s, a few years before the internet came along. Nowadays, young gays who are looking for support/advice/suggestions can turn to the internet or they join a gay student union at their school. Many high schools have one, and some even have a gay & straight student alliance club. Those types of student clubs didn't even exist when I was in high school.

When I was 19, I read a newspapaer article about a gay youth group that held weekly meetings in the downtown area of my city. Some of the group's members were interviewed. As I read the article I thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be great to attend?" That was until I got to the last paragraph, where one of the members said "You gotta come out of the closet. There's no other way." When I read that sentence, it frightened me. I wasn't the least bit ready to come out at that time, and I feared that if I were to attend that group I'd eventually be pressured into coming out. So, out of fear, I chose not to attend the group. Here I am now in my 30s, still semi-closeted. Looking back on that article, I can't help but wonder how different my life would be today had I made the decision to attend the youth group. Would I have had longtime gay friends by now? Or even a boyfriend?

It's nice that gay youths today have various resources available to them, but I don't know if I myself benefit from knowing that the world is a better place to grow up gay nowadays. It doesn't change my personal situation. I wouldn't say I'm jealous of today's gay youths because jealousy is very negative emotion. But there's no denying that overall they have it easier today. Also, it would seem that young gays who come from a single-parent household are able to come out at an early age with little to no problem. There was a flamboyant gay guy in my high school whose father had died, and the guy subsequently came out in 11th grade. His mother had no problem accepting him as gay.
 
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