Did I just come out?

[alan1029smith]

I am 19 years old, and still in the closet. I have always been neurotic about concealing my sexuality because I feel like it gives me a measure of control over my life. While I haven't claimed to be straight since high school, I have not yet told anyone that I am gay. But, recently something has been stirring inside me. I made a promise to myself that, if I couldn't come out, I would at least refrain from lying when asked. Then a couple of days ago, a friend asked me, "Are you straight?" (I didn't know what to make of the way she phrased the question. Why didn't she ask me if I was gay, which is usually customary?) Anyway, I didn't know what to say at first. I was completely taken by surprise. She seemed intent on getting an answer. I prolonged the inevitable by first pretending that I didn't hear her. When she repeated her question, I asked her why she wanted to know, in a somewhat panicked tone. I could have simply told her that I was straight, and be off the hook, but I just couldn't bring myself to lie. She appeared to be shocked by my response. At first, I assumed she was shocked because she was just fishing and didn't expect to hear what essentially amounted to a confession. But then I thought, perhaps she was shocked because she already knew I was gay, but couldn't believe that someone at my age could still be closeted. My other friends were listening in on the conversation, and I could see they had same look of amazement on their faces. I was embarrassed for being outed as gay, but I was perhaps even more embarrassed for being outed as closeted. I'm 19 years old, I attend a liberal university, and have accepting friends - I have no excuse to still be in the closet. With that in mind, I responded to her following statement with a cryptic, but obviously telling answer. She responded, "Well, I just wanted to know." Leaving little to doubt, I playfully replied, "Well, what do you think?" She then changed the subject and began a new conversation in which she referred to the fact that I am gay several times - and I didn't correct her. Now, my friends are asking me obviously coded questions like, "Do you like tacos... or taquitos?." Did I just come out?

 

[alan1029smith]

How can I capitalize on this situation to come out even further? How should I come out to people who aren't bold enough to ask me upfront? Should I just randomly tell them mid-conversation, or send them a lone text message? I can't help but feel like there is an appropriate way to let people know without being awkward.

 

[gambit22121]

Seems like you've now planted the seed in their minds. I'm sure a lot more questions will soon follow in which you can gradually let them in to your life more and more. The question right now is, you felt panicked when asked. How do you feel right now? Are you more panicked or more relieved that you can be more open (more the real you)?

 

[Taz]

Dont be ashamed for being closeted dude. everyone comes out at thier own pace. people stay in the closet for many different reasons.

And as for coming out, you made yourself a promise and you kept it. be proud. your friends will probably be supportive.

 

[Rolyo85]

I just wanna say that the "measure of control" feeling is a lie our brain tells us to cover its fear of being discovered. Shed it, and get on with your life. Don't waste years in the closet like so many of us.

I came out at 25. I wish I had the balls to come out at 19. Be braver than me

 

[bankside]

For the vast majority of people, coming out will be a bit of an awkward conversation. You've made the two biggest steps already with great success: not lying to yourself, and not lying to your friends.

I do believe maintaining a screen of privacy does give you control over your life. But I also think it is time for you to share your romantic direction with your friends on equal terms. It is a normal topic of conversation among friends, and your sexuality should be no more taboo than theirs.

So from now on, contribute to conversations about dating just as your friends would.

This is a bit of a novelty for you, and it could be for them as well. So have a bit of patience if they want to make a big deal about it. But remind them there are other things to talk about if they get out of hand.

 

[TX-Beau]

One of the biggest fears guys in the closet have is losing control of the big lie.

If you ask a straight guy if he's straight - he NEVER quibbles or evades. So yeah, you've made them all think you're gay. But then they already though that or the question would never have come up.

People take their cues from you. If you're obviously uncomfortable about the subject, they usually leave it alone - call it consideration on their part if you like.

If you're open and matter of fact about it, that's how they'll treat you.

No matter what people say about privacy, what that is, isn't privacy. It's fear. Plain and simple, you're hiding because you don't want people to know, are afraid of people knowing - and that's because of what's going on in your own head.

The biggest secret about coming out is how few people actually care about this huge thing you've been carrying around in your head that you're totally fixated on and paranoid about. It's only that huge to you.

The biggest relief you get by coming out is letting all that go and never having to play those games, or freak about what people know or might suspect. You don't realize how much of your life you spend defending the lie until you stop, and when you do, the relief is just as huge.

We don't come out for other people, no matter how accepting or not. We come out when we can no longer live the lie.

People tell you that you'll come out when you're ready and that's exactly true, as far as it goes. But you don't get ready by running away from the subject.

When you can jump the hurdle of fear about other people knowing you're gay, you'll say something, and you get yourself ready to do that by working on yourself. Tell yourself that there's nothing wrong with being gay, there's nothing bad about it - because you are the problem and the barrier to your own freedom.

We all remember the place you're at, it's one of the things that we all share. You're going to be coming out to people all of your life, but trust me on this, the first time is the hardest, and it gets a lot easier - plus the grass is greener over here.

 

[bankside]

tx-beau, i agree with you however there are now some emo straight guys who will say "just like brad and angelina have declared they will not get married until all americans can get married, i will not tell you my sexual orientation until all people can talk about it without fear."

keep in mind; liberal university.

 

[TX-Beau]

That must be some kind of new thing. I've never come across a straight guy who wouldn't tell you up front.

Well, I suppose we're going to have to start asking...

"...are you straight, or are you protesting?..."

Or maybe - to the hot ones...

"...I'm going to ass fuck you for freedom! SOLIDARITY! especially where it matters..."

LOL

 

[Seasoned]

Best wishes to you on your journey. I think you handled your blunt friend's question appropriately. I'm not a fan of people putting other people on the spot in a public setting. The best thing about being out is the possibility of dating or hooking up in the open. I hope you are feeling some relief.

 

[Rolyo85]

Aw, I didn't know about Brad and Angie. That's kinda sweet.

TX, please let me know if that strategy works. I have a few straight boys I'd like to violate uncontrollably in my school ^_^

 

[bankside]

Aw, I didn't know about Brad and Angie. That's kinda sweet.

TX, please let me know if that strategy works. I have a few straight boys I'd like to violate uncontrollably in my school ^_^

For Equality!!!!

 

[Rolyo85]

And puppies!

 

[fatalmoon91]

well in my mind your not outed yet.....you may have cast suspicion but at least at my university (also liberal arts) there are plenty of people who are straight but will dodge the question only to make you wonder and come up with your own answer. but i agree with everyone else i admire you for your bravery and for how you stuck with not lying. I know the first time i was asked after graduating high school i intended to tell the truth but i faltered and went with the easy way around the question. because of that i spent another year in the closet and even started to believe my own lies again. so bravo to you ^^

 

[alan1029smith]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I can't believe you guys would take time out of your day to offer me so much encouragement. I guess I should be proud for sticking to my promise (especially since I was put on the spot at work in front of all my coworkers.) I feel relieved to have at least got the ball rolling.

Now, I want to tell one of my closest friends in a more comfortable setting. She thinks I am straight, but I know she will accept me for who I am. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to bring it up in conversation. I don't do well with awkward situations, so if I come up with a plan of some sort, I feel like it will help me get through it.

 

[KaraBulut]

How can I capitalize on this situation to come out even further? How should I come out to people who aren't bold enough to ask me upfront? Should I just randomly tell them mid-conversation, or send them a lone text message? I can't help but feel like there is an appropriate way to let people know without being awkward.

The thing you need to decide here is exactly how "out" you want to be.

If you just want your closest friends to know and to accept you, then talk to them individually and tell them.

If you don't give a shit who knows, then wear T-shirts slogans or things like rainbow bracelets which tells those who have a clue that you're gay.

And if someone asks you a rude question in public like "Tacos or taquitos?", you either don't have to answer or you can come back with a smart-ass comment like "Why, what are you serving up tonight?" or "Taquitos? More like burrito grande!".

 

[looseliam]

Coming out will allow you to take control of your life instead of ceding it to the closet.

If grabbing a rainbow flag, waving it and announcing "I'm gay" isn't your thing, try my approach: don't come-out.

Let me elaborate:

I never came out. Well, not in the conventional sense. I stopped using gender-nondescript language. I wouldn't hold back checking out a guy when with friends or talking about men's figure skating. Okay, I kid about the last one - kinda. I brought my boyfriend home to meet the parents.

I found that more people knew I was gay than I thought (especially the parents). For them it was a non-issue so it was never brought-up. I am lucky to say that I lost no friends for being gay. It could be that the ones who would have a problem got weeded-out long before. I'll never know.

So, you can start living openly without coming out. If you act calmly and as if there's nothing wrong (which there isn't) most will respond the same way.

So, best of luck to ya hun, whatever you decide.

 

[bankside]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I can't believe you guys would take time out of your day to offer me so much encouragement. I guess I should be proud for sticking to my promise (especially since I was put on the spot at work in front of all my coworkers.) I feel relieved to have at least got the ball rolling.

Now, I want to tell one of my closest friends in a more comfortable setting. She thinks I am straight, but I know she will accept me for who I am. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to bring it up in conversation. I don't do well with awkward situations, so if I come up with a plan of some sort, I feel like it will help me get through it.

Sit her down and say "Listen you're a great friend and I really value your judgement, so I need your help to figure out how to come out to people without it getting really awkward because you know how much I hate that…."

 

[wikke1]

One of the biggest fears guys in the closet have is losing control of the big lie.

If you ask a straight guy if he's straight - he NEVER quibbles or evades. So yeah, you've made them all think you're gay. But then they already though that or the question would never have come up.

People take their cues from you. If you're obviously uncomfortable about the subject, they usually leave it alone - call it consideration on their part if you like.

If you're open and matter of fact about it, that's how they'll treat you.

No matter what people say about privacy, what that is, isn't privacy. It's fear. Plain and simple, you're hiding because you don't want people to know, are afraid of people knowing - and that's because of what's going on in your own head.

The biggest secret about coming out is how few people actually care about this huge thing you've been carrying around in your head that you're totally fixated on and paranoid about. It's only that huge to you.

The biggest relief you get by coming out is letting all that go and never having to play those games, or freak about what people know or might suspect. You don't realize how much of your life you spend defending the lie until you stop, and when you do, the relief is just as huge.

We don't come out for other people, no matter how accepting or not. We come out when we can no longer live the lie.

People tell you that you'll come out when you're ready and that's exactly true, as far as it goes. But you don't get ready by running away from the subject.

When you can jump the hurdle of fear about other people knowing you're gay, you'll say something, and you get yourself ready to do that by working on yourself. Tell yourself that there's nothing wrong with being gay, there's nothing bad about it - because you are the problem and the barrier to your own freedom.

We all remember the place you're at, it's one of the things that we all share. You're going to be coming out to people all of your life, but trust me on this, the first time is the hardest, and it gets a lot easier - plus the grass is greener over here.

One of the nicest posts I've read on this forum.
Thanks!