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Did I Make A Serious Faux Pas?

Did I Make A Serious Faux Pas?

  • Total voters
    10
TickTockMan

TickTockMan

"Repent, Harlequin!"
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In 2013, when I had some money I decided to pre-buy my mother and myself a niche and cremation. Knowing when my family passes that we usually all scramble for money because no one usually has money in my family, I also bought my aunt and uncle the same.


A couple months ago it came to my attention (from my brother) that my uncle was mad because “he was not asked and does not want to be cremated”, according to my brother. I did not know that and my aunt was supposed to talk to him. I called my uncle and apologized. He told me his real issue was he doesn’t have the money to pay me back. I told him I never meant for him to pay me back. I paid for their stuff because my family is fairly poor and it always causes money problems and stress when a family member dies.

I thought it would be smart to pre-pay so we don’t have to worry about it later and so we could lock in the 2013 rates. Today, being my mother first birthday after her death, my brother and I went to her resting place. Again my brother brought up and told me I was wrong to even offer, my less actually buy our aunt and uncle’s niches and cremations.


Was I wrong? Should I apologize again to my uncle, this time in person? I don’t want to cause problems between my aunt and him. Should I have talked to him directly? Seem like maybe I should have since she didn’t bother.

Anyways this is bugging me. I was trying to be nice, not cause problems and get people mad.
 
I don't think you were "wrong"...but any decision you make on anyone else's behalf has the potential to invoke any number of responses.....and you can't control what other people think or how they react and for the most part...if you are OK with your decision...don't let him define it for you as you have explained it very well and defined it nicely....

If I were in your shoes...I would explain it as you have here and then let it go. Give him an option to decline if he wants to decline and then sell the cremation to someone else and get your money back.

Don't try to change his mind or apologize too much.....let him feel about it however he wants to feel about it.
 
He sounds like an ungrateful git tbh.

Tell him it's still there if he wants it, if not, you must have someone else who'd be more grateful, i'll have it.
 
Cormac135 said:
He sounds like an ungrateful git tbh.

Tell him it's still there if he wants it, if not, you must have someone else who'd be more grateful, i'll have it.
Click to expand...


To be clear my brother may have made more out of it than it was.


As for my uncle he is not use to people being nice to him. His family kicked him out as a kid (they now get along though) so he has had to work for everything he has got. To be honest that was another reason I wanted to help my aunt and uncle out. My aunt is on Social Security. My uncle (at the time and for years) had two job doing grave yard. He worked 7 days a week and he still had very little to show for it. My aunts med bills and his child support for a special needs son pretty much break him each month.
 
I would say nothing further unless your uncle brings it up.
 
Although peoples ideas about funerals can be very personal, it sounds like he is embarrassed because you implied that he cannot pay his own way and take care of his own. If you have already apologized, another apology isn't necessary but would be okay. Given time his hurt feelings will probably fade and it might be possible to use the arrangements for another person, or as a down payment for a conventional funeral, or he may get used to the idea. Since your intentions were good I don't consider it a serious faux pas.
 
The only mistake that you made was doing it without asking them in advance.

But if he doesn't want to be roasted, just accept that and say nothing more about it.
 
Well that's on her then.
 
Hind sight is 20/20, you had good intentions and had no idea that your uncle would have these feelings. I wouldn't worry about it.
 
Yes, you did.

You´ve greatly embarrassed your uncle and you didn´t care what he might think before you acted and you´re a little late now.

You should apologize to your uncle in person.
 
Isn't it basically just money sitting in an account right now? Do they have the paperwork and is it in their names? If not, speak to the funeral parlor about transfering it to them...then they can apply that money to what they want.

And yes, you should not have made a personal decision like that without speaking to them about it first, but what's done is done...take steps to rectify it and apologize for not consulting them. I'm sure they still appreciate what an extremely nice and generous offer it was on your part.
 
If someone paid for my funeral without asking me first, I'd be less than impressed.

Apologise to your uncle. If he can't or doesn't want to transfer the payment to a funeral plan he would like, try to get your money back and maybe use some of it to buy him a lifetime gift that he'll actually get some enjoyment from. A new TV possibly?
 
I was in agreement with all the sentiments up to postings 11-13. I think they went off the mark.

You did what you thought was right Don't analyze it any further.
 
Since you already talked with your aunt, it´s her fault she kept it a secret from her husband. It was a nice gesture, though death is hard to digest for some people, so maybe that´s why your uncle was upset?! Also, just like you said, your uncle doesn´t want to be cremated. Just talk with him and if he doesn´t want the gift, you can sell it or give it to another member of your family.
 
I think it was a very thoughtful gesture. If he prefers to be buried, so be it, and leave him to his and your aunt's devices. Don't grovel for forgiveness. He is the one being unreasonable.
 
I would find it extremely odd if someone paid for my funeral services without talking to me about it - probably just best to apologise to your Uncle at this point, and let him decide how he wants it.
 
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