Did I screw things up?

[eliduc]

Hey again--

So I started dating this guy earlier this month (he's younger, I'm older by 4 yrs, both of us in our 20s). The physical chemistry was instant and awesome, and so were the personality dynamics. Went out for ice cream, went out for drinks, made fun of each other, play wrestled and ended the night by kissing until sunrise (we had nowhere to go since we don't have our own place...he was basically swooning over me and telling me I'm "perfect" and that I should just marry him already).

And that was just our first date. We went on three more dates, all as amazing and talked significantly in between. Anyway, he recently left the country on vacation with his family this week and said he would be back in 2 weeks and would text me when he got back.

Well, last night, in the middle of the NY marriage excitement and seeing happy couples kiss each other and gay friends on FB declare their love for their significant others, I decided to go out on a limb and ask this guy (let's call him Anthony) to be my boyfriend. Of course, MAJOR stupid move. I have an internal timeline of waiting at least one month and a half to two months before asking someone to be exclusive because you can't possibly know someone so quickly, yet in my heart I was so excited and moved by the events I just wanted to take a chance.

He responded by saying that he thought I was a great guy but that he's not "feeling it yet" and feels like "we have to get to know each other a lot" and right now he's "not ready to settle down because [he's] been hurt too much" and doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to do so. He says he feels a connection and chemistry slightly but not all the way, nothing personal, but just that it feels rushed and that he needs to learn more about me mentally .

Ok, I totally agree with that assessment of us not knowing each other well enough but I'm hearing two things: either he's not feeling chemistry at all and is just pulling a paraphrased version of the it's not you it's me, or he really just wants to take things slow, which means I haven't totally screwed things up (he used words like not feeling it "yet" and needing to learn more about me).

I apologized and told him I was just carried away by the night's events. At the same time I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time (I didn't tell him that part).

But I did say that I agreed that we don't know each other well enough and that I'm willing to offer two options: if he's not feeling it at all, I'll gracefully step out and respect his decision; but if he thinks there could be something there, I'm willing to take things slow for the next couple of months and see where things go (just hanging out, no titles, expectations, etc.).

I offered to step out because I don't want to end up hanging out with him for 3-4 months to have him pull the same excuse of not being ready to settle down. I don't want to be a placeholder until something better comes along. I've been there before and was burned badly.

I just feel that why bother being vulnerable or letting your feelings be known. He liked me a lot more when I played the cool and mysterious card, roughplaying and wrestling with him (constantly telling me I needed to stop being so [playfully] mean and "just love [him] already") than when I took a risk and asked him out.

Anyway, this was all last night and he hasn't yet responded to the two possibilities I offered so of course I'm going crazy with anxiety and trying to force myself to function enough to do what I'm supposed to do (work, summer school).

Even though I feel like I want to die inside and just crawl somewhere and never come out, I refuse to show him the least bit of vulnerability or hurt and just handle it as gracefully as possible.

I wish I could take it back, I feel so horrible.

 

[glorff]

Just send him a text that says "Ice Cream?" and see if what worked before still does.

 

[Spiff]

You didn't say how intimate you had already become. But you did say you kissed alot. It seems to me that he was already your boyfriend and you were happy with what you had. Why did you feel the need to have him confirm it? He probably freaked because he thought you were soon going to ask him to marry you.

 

[eliduc]

We've only made out. And he's out of the country for 2 weeks so I guess I'll just wait to see if he ever contacts me when he gets back, at the very least to get a shirt he let me borrow back. :\ (pathetic, I know)

I'm just wondering if he'll give me a chance and let me start over and take things slow and have it lead up to something, if he's just gonna take things slow just to keep me as a placeholder, or if he's never talking to me again.

 

[sixthson]

Hey again--

So I started dating this guy earlier this month

Only time will tell if you screwed things up and scared him off. You did, however, jump the gun.

What he said to you was honest and correct. After less than one month, you really don't know each other. You do know there is an attraction there, however. The attraction is what is driving you crazy because it makes you want him.
The attraction, mixed with knowledge of each other can lead to a real relationship. Slow down, get to know each other.

 

[Seasoned]

I wouldn't call that a screw up. You got ahead of yourself and contacted him while he was in a totally different context. Personally, I think texting is the worst way to communicate.

You're on the high of your last date and he is on a family vacation in another country. You're on the back burner right now. Stop fretting and wait until he gets home.

If the power of one sentence can end a relationship before it starts, keeping working on sentences until you find the one that can start one!

You've explained yourself. Put it out of your mind. Good luck with him, or the next fun guy you meet.

 

[Georgiadude]

I dont think you've messed it up completely but I think you came on a bit strong and then the 2 options almost sounds like an ultimatum. I'd be a bit confused and a little mad. he doesnt know how to respond to you Id actually call him. all of this txting crap gets people into more trouble. call him. even if he doesn't answer leave a message. let him hear your voice. apologize for coming across the way you did and that you would really like to get together so you can talk about things. you cant show or hear real emotion in a text but him hearing your voice will tell him more than you will ever be able to type out.

good luck

Steven

 

[eliduc]

I left him a voicemail followed by a text (voicemail got cut off) and he eventually responded to my offer of either "bowing out" if he never wanted to speak to me again versus "continuing to hang out, keeping things open, see how it goes" by saying that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship now but did want to continue seeing me/hanging out. Mentioned trust issues again (felt my promises of not hurting him were empty like all the others) and the fact that he wanted to be in a relationship because it feels right and because he's in a good place (he says he's sad and lonely all the time and doesn't feel those are healthy reasons to be in a relationship), not just to rush into titles or just have someone there, even though he does want a guy "just like me". He told me that if I did want something serious now or fell for him, he didn't want me to wait for him and get hurt, and that if I meet someone else I should go for it.

He's back from his trip (sooner than expected) but I told him I wouldn't be available for about 2 weeks (which is true, since I have summer class finals) so I don't plan to contact him until then. Also, I want to give him his space after coming on so strongly. (Stupid!)

My plan is to invite him to hang out again (as he said he was open to), and if he ignores it, just move on. If he agrees to it, I guess my main worry is whether his long text speeches about having trust issues/depression/not being ready for a relationship now are just a long winded way of saying he's not interested in me anymore (an overly embellished "it's not you it's me") or whether there is truth to what he said and by me taking it slow, he may eventually trust me and take a risk in seeing how things go.

 

[KaraBulut]

Did I screw things up?

No, not really. Eventually, you have to decide whether a relationship is moving forward or whether it's just for convenience.

But what's more disconcerting about this situation is not that you asked him to be your boyfriend, it's that you are idealizing the relationship.

He seems to like you and enjoy your company. But your first post didn't mention anything about his "rust issues/depression/not being ready for a relationship now". Maybe you didn't hear this during your dates? Or maybe maybe he's disclosing this now that he's under pressure to make a commitment.

It is time for you to back off a bit. Things like this should never be done over text. Wait until he gets back and have a long talk then. But honestly, given the signs, it doesn't sound like he's boyfriend material and you're working way too hard to convince yourself that he is.

 

[eliduc]

"But what's more disconcerting about this situation is not that you asked him to be your boyfriend, it's that you are idealizing the relationship."

I guess maybe I am. I've never had an official boyfriend, just a string of dating experiences that don't go beyond 2 months and several one hit wonder dates in between.

I just feel that I'm ready to commit to someone and have something deeper. Dating, going out, etc., is fun; but I can see it getting old after a while.

I know that to have something stable/deeper takes a really long time (me and him are hardly ready to be "official," I agree I jumped the gun and asked him too soon just because of the crazy initial infatuation) but if he does have trust issues, I hope that he can trust me enough to give me a chance (however, if that's just his way of saying "it's not you it's me" than I would bow out, like I told him).


"But your first post didn't mention anything about his 'trust issues/depression/not being ready for a relationship now.' Maybe you didn't hear this during your dates? Or maybe maybe he's disclosing this now that he's under pressure to make a commitment."

Well during one of our dates he told me that he either tends to meet guys that just want sex or guys that want him to meet their family by the second date (this has actually happened to him on a second date). He said that he likes things to build up slowly, so I feel it would be safe to assume he is looking for something long-term eventually.

This was the first time he explicitly spoke about trust/depression issues.

"It is time for you to back off a bit. Things like this should never be done over text. Wait until he gets back and have a long talk then. But honestly, given the signs, it doesn't sound like he's boyfriend material and you're working way too hard to convince yourself that he is."

Well he's already come back so I'm planning on contacting him July 4th (it will have been a week NC since we last spoke and reached an agreement to keep hanging out) and see whether he wants to make plans for the week after (I can't hang this week, too much stuff to do).

As far as signals go, initially I felt he was the one that was more into me than I into him. He was the one that contacted me first on the dating site, when I asked him on our first date for that weekend, he was the one asking to meet sooner in the week, the first one to ask me when he'd see me again and then text after our first date, and during most of our dates he's the one to initiate making out.

The only date I felt where unsure as to whether we were on the same page was the fourth one because it was right before his trip and the question about whether I'd miss him came up and I pretended I'd be 'free of him' but I'm sure he could see how by the end of the night, when I had trouble letting go of our holding each other/goodnight hug, that I was really into him already.

I also made some mistakes that night by drinking (we both were) and being tacky enough to ask that we get a room (he wanted to just go to a backroom, but I threw out both ideas altogether) and asking him why is it that he likes me (he answered it was too soon to talk about that...).

Idk, I'm sorry if I sound like a harried 16 year old. When you get a later start in the dating game it can be hard sometimes....

 

[eliduc]

Just bumping for an update: Yeah I tried to convince myself he was bf material but apparently not.

He got back and we spoke in person, promised to communicate and air things out. He told he likes to take things slow and maybe we could be official in a month or two, I agreed. We've been going out since June, so the 1 to 2 months from now would have taken place in September or October, at about the 3-4 month mark.

But I just feel that if after 2 months he's still hooking up and going on countless dates (I found his twitter today...explains many cancellations on me) then he's clearly just keeping me around for no reason. Also, he takes forever to answer texts and emails (days at a time, if he answers them at all). Am I being unreasonable to want someone to answer me within a couple of days time instead of giving me the I'm bad at texting excuse? If we promised to be communicative, why does he get angry when I tell him it bothers me and say I contradict myself and get angry out of "nowhere" (ie, I acted ok when he cancelled 1-2 times, but got angry after it got ridiculous, weeks worth of cancellations in July)?

If there's no chemistry/feelings at all, fine, but why give me this false hope that there could be something happening?

I broke up with him today (he cancelled/rescheduled 3 times in a row, and I've had it with the excuses that make me question my own sanity) and he lashed out at me with the wtf were not even together for you to get angry at me and that you dont know me and whole bunch of other hurtful things like me being so delusional/desperate for a relationship and not really knowing him. So not knowing his favorite color/place to hang out apparently trumps our 7-12 hour dates, knowing each others family histories and goals in life? Wtf.

I feel hurt and depressed and horrible and angry that someone could just slap me in the face with all of that and make me feel like the crazy one, but I know I did the best.

I know what a healthy relationship looks like and this wasn't it. Ive gone out with guys who have talked about me to their friends, texted me several times a week to playfully make fun of each other and see how I was doing, and are overall amazing, and I'm clearly not that to this guy. And it makes me feel like shit he makes me feel delusional/desperate for wanting something like that instead of "knowing my place" as just one of his many dates/hookups.

I deleted all of my online dating profiles and am just giving up dating for a long time. It sucks.

 

[newgreekjub]

"He's been hurt before"
"not ready to settle down"


Just got out of something like that. We are in very similar situations including the end result.

They were both headcases and you should NOT feel any guilt for it.

What kara said is true as well, but I'm too lazy to copy/paste right now. Give space etc


Good luck.

 

[epoys18]

I'd definitely say don't give up!

My last boyfriend did something similar, except we'd been exclusive for 3 months at least, we'd even said the "I love you"s and what not, then after being overseas for 3 weeks he gets drunk and tells me in a facebook conversation he could do what he want with who he wanted cos he didn't consider us official.

A short time after and now I'm with a nicer guy who would rather punch himself in the face than be with anyone else, and I'm the same.
He's jumped the gun a few times, where I'd want to take it slowly, but he'd say or do something that was a bit much for me. I realised it was just cute, but still had a talk to him about it, but it was nothing to freak out over.

Don't give up, just make sure you don't waste your time on someone who isn't into you. Realise it's their loss, and do your best to move on.

 

[paramour]

Eliduc:

I check out these forums every once in a while but did not register until just now. Your post compelled me to reply!

Don't give up. That's the worst thing you can do. Imagine if you were to lose your job. Would you quit looking for others if a couple of interviews didn't go well? Of course not; you'd press on because you (presumably) care about your career and your future. Love is much like that. You will be hurt at times, it will be tough at times, and at times you may see no end in sight to the games/BS that many guys pull. However, try to keep a positive attitude and reassure yourself that there are great guys out there. You will, with time, find them.

I've learned that life is far too short to have friends or boyfriends who treat you anything less than well. Good friends respect you and your time, and do not do selfish things that will hurt you. Nice guys who are into you do not take weeks to respond to your calls and texts, and they certainly do not cancel on you for silly reasons.

I applaud you for being open-hearted, and with your relationship with this guy, it seemed that your doing so freaked him out a bit. However, this may have been a blessing in disguise. Can you imagine how much more hurt you would have been had you gotten more serious him and then found out that he is a jerk? Again, nice guys treat you well, without exception.

Keep your head up and know that you're going to, probably sooner rather than later, meet a guy that excites you more than this jerk ever did.

Best of luck, and in the meantime, get those dating profiles back up! The best way to take your mind off of a guy is to jump right back into the dating pool and find someone else.