So I'm home alone on a Saturday night, and I know pretty much no one here in my hometown (strange isn't it?), so I've been reading the forums, and I read a lot in this one tonight, and I thought I should probably write something about what I've been having some problems with lately. And I apologize in advance for this monster post.
I don't really have any issues with my sexuality. At least not anymore. It's fair to say that I'm gay, and I'm okay with it. I love men, and while being single has its advantages (read: sex), having someone who loves all of you, both physically and personally, has always been a goal for me. The problem is, though, I'm just not so sure that I can achieve that. And I realize it's not really my parents fault, but I'll just say what happened and then go from there.
My first time was pretty decent--made out, got blown, cuddled, and he stayed the night. I guess staying the night was key because it made me feel special. I actually became way infatuated with the guy, realizing two years later it was just a one-night stand. The problem was though that the guy was Australian and was on exchange at my university only for the semester. We hung out pretty consistently after then, though nothing else ever happened. I did find out on my birthday that he slept with one of his girlfriends after we had fooled around. Bummer, right? Well, needless to say, I was an emotional wreck for the next 6 months to a year. Wasn't *really* over it until two years actually. But the worst was yet to come.
My parents had pretty much guessed that I was gay. And the VERY SAME WEEKEND that I had my first gay experience, my dad was visiting and staying at the hotel on campus, which I could actually see from my dorm window. I was told that he was in town on business, but he was actually visiting a "specialist" (apparently a crackpot shrink) who told him that it was all his fault that I was gay. He saw a variety of other people about it too, and that next summer I was confronted by my mother about my sexuality. I was confused, scared, and hurt. I refused to go to Colorado Springs to a Focus on the Family psychotherapist, and I just wanted to leave. Eventually, she dropped it.
The whole next year, I was too caught up in my lingering feelings for my first time guy, and I was just paranoid and anxious about my family. That summer, both my parents confronted me about it again. This time with my dad in the ring too, it was more stressful, especially when he got me drunk at an NBA game (I was 20 at the time) and then tried to drive me to a strip club, where he wanted to hire me a hooker. Thankfully, I had sobered up after I saw him stumbling to the car in the parking lot and he said that "he wanted to show me a good time." I managed to convince him to let me drive "as long as I went where he told me to," and I just drove home. Luckily, I worked a lot of strange hours in June, went to Germany in July, and then worked at a summer camp with nice foreign boys (one of whom I became really good friends with, or so I thought...that's a completely different issue and one I've already talked about on here) in August, so I didn't really have all that much face time with my parents, and I guess they realized then that they had to meet me somewhere in the middle.
The next fall (which was last fall...2007), I was at university, but as I was studying abroad in the spring-/summertime of 2008, I was going to have three months at home. I tried my hardest to get a job, any job up east where I go to school. But I couldn't afford it, and I was told by one of my former roommates that I couldn't stay with them, even though my roommate (whom I adore) went on the line for me and said I could stay with him as long as I wanted--we were really close. When I got home, things were okay for a couple weeks. Then my dad started coming home drunk at odd hours. I didn't realize that he'd been having alcohol issues lately. I knew he had started dipping snuff again--he had stopped a year or so before but started up again recently, according to my mom because he can't deal with "it." I had pressured my mom for divorce before, and it started up again, but she's a very devout Christian who didn't think it would be right to give up on my father when he was "sick." He'd been seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as depressed but then another doctor said he was bi-polar like his two sisters. A misdiagnosis (and mistreatment with the wrong drugs) could explain the recent, rather erratic behavior.
This past fall was also really my "sexual awakening," and I sort of continued it when I was in Germany this summer, but the real problem is just the effect of all this family drama. I used to get so upset about it. And now I'm a bit more hardened and don't care as much, though now I have my mother telling me I should "enjoy being home" and that it hurt her when I didn't say "it's nice to be home" when my grandmother asked me that question the other day. I wonder why I said, "It's an adjustment."
I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't really seen a successful relationship in action (my dad's had two affairs that I know of and actually left for 6 months when I was 16) or if I'm just not ready, but I can't seem to want to have sex with the same guy more than once. And to top it off, I don't really even enjoy sex. Typically, I cum 10-15 minutes (at least) after the other guy has when I fool around. And I've never gotten off from topping, and I've bottomed all of three times for the same guy (who happens to be the only guy I've had sex with more than once). While I came from bottoming, it was painful, and I don't plan on doing that any time soon. I'm just so frustrated. I'm at a point where I really need someone to be a positive influence in my life, whether it be a friend or a significant other. I'm really not averse to dating. I'm actually scared that if I did meet someone that I would screw it up because I would be so oblivious and not have sex enough. (Funny sidenote: I broke up with my one and only girlfriend at 16 because her friend told me that said gf had complained because we didn't make out enough. Maybe that was because I knew deep down I was gay, but it's still relevant maybe.)
Now that I'm 21, I suppose I actually have the opportunity to meet people in bars/clubs/wherever, but it really hasn't been the case. And sometimes, yes, I haven't been overwhelmingly confident in myself. But I really don't understand how no one could be interested. I'm actually rather attractive and have a nice body. I'm smart, and I love my friends. These attributes have actually all gotten me in trouble, so I'm just left confused and doubting. Maybe I'm crazy. The way I see it, people don't give me the benefit of the doubt. But maybe I just don't know how to go about and accomplish the simple things that other people take for granted. I've never seen a successful gay relationship, and the only seemingly close example to one is that of my "good" friend, though theirs is long-distance and I don't understand it at all. (If you're reading this, friend, that's why I asked about it.) And I know that seeking out a relationship is more than likely not going to get me one, but that's not what I'm asking for. I merely would like to know if it would even be possible. I come from a place where it's still a little taboo to be gay, and my extended family (who live in a rural area) write off distant gay cousins as jokes.
I know this isn't the typical "confused" post, but I'm really at a loss here. I've been back in the States for a little over a week, and I haven't felt lonelier. I'm in between places. My newly made friends in Germany are still there, and I haven't heard from them since I left. All my friends from home are now gone and living their own lives, and I suppose that means I have to do the same. But at every turn, I'm foiled by my parents. I know they just love me and want what's best for me (as they said when they were disapprovingly listing the hazards of being gay), but I have no idea what I want to do after university. And according to my parents (who have taken the loans out for my undergraduate), I can't take a year off to help decide. Even if I stayed home and worked. It's just not an option. So I was pressured into taking the GRE next week and the LSAT at the beginning of October. I don't feel like I'm out of my rights to refuse to do what my parents want me to do (it is my life after all), but it's also irresponsible to just leave them with $160k in debt and walk out. It is quite tempting though. There are a host of other issues involved, including my parents' theory that psychotherapy as a child made me gay, but I think what I've laid out are the foundations of my parental issues. I just don't know where to go from here. At the end of my time in Germany, I felt I was making a lot of progress (also thanks to a new friend there), but, of course, I had to leave. I'm just wondering...when's this going to turn into my life?
It means a lot just to know that someone is listening and perhaps cares just a little bit. I tried to organize this well, but it kinda just flowed out at the end, so it might be a bit convoluted. Sorry also for the length. I could just use any tips/pointers to know what to do.
Thanks a million. And I'm also a really good listener, and I've tried to give some advice and throw my two cents in some other threads, so if you need an ear, I'm here for you.
gaytxn09
I don't really have any issues with my sexuality. At least not anymore. It's fair to say that I'm gay, and I'm okay with it. I love men, and while being single has its advantages (read: sex), having someone who loves all of you, both physically and personally, has always been a goal for me. The problem is, though, I'm just not so sure that I can achieve that. And I realize it's not really my parents fault, but I'll just say what happened and then go from there.
My first time was pretty decent--made out, got blown, cuddled, and he stayed the night. I guess staying the night was key because it made me feel special. I actually became way infatuated with the guy, realizing two years later it was just a one-night stand. The problem was though that the guy was Australian and was on exchange at my university only for the semester. We hung out pretty consistently after then, though nothing else ever happened. I did find out on my birthday that he slept with one of his girlfriends after we had fooled around. Bummer, right? Well, needless to say, I was an emotional wreck for the next 6 months to a year. Wasn't *really* over it until two years actually. But the worst was yet to come.
My parents had pretty much guessed that I was gay. And the VERY SAME WEEKEND that I had my first gay experience, my dad was visiting and staying at the hotel on campus, which I could actually see from my dorm window. I was told that he was in town on business, but he was actually visiting a "specialist" (apparently a crackpot shrink) who told him that it was all his fault that I was gay. He saw a variety of other people about it too, and that next summer I was confronted by my mother about my sexuality. I was confused, scared, and hurt. I refused to go to Colorado Springs to a Focus on the Family psychotherapist, and I just wanted to leave. Eventually, she dropped it.
The whole next year, I was too caught up in my lingering feelings for my first time guy, and I was just paranoid and anxious about my family. That summer, both my parents confronted me about it again. This time with my dad in the ring too, it was more stressful, especially when he got me drunk at an NBA game (I was 20 at the time) and then tried to drive me to a strip club, where he wanted to hire me a hooker. Thankfully, I had sobered up after I saw him stumbling to the car in the parking lot and he said that "he wanted to show me a good time." I managed to convince him to let me drive "as long as I went where he told me to," and I just drove home. Luckily, I worked a lot of strange hours in June, went to Germany in July, and then worked at a summer camp with nice foreign boys (one of whom I became really good friends with, or so I thought...that's a completely different issue and one I've already talked about on here) in August, so I didn't really have all that much face time with my parents, and I guess they realized then that they had to meet me somewhere in the middle.
The next fall (which was last fall...2007), I was at university, but as I was studying abroad in the spring-/summertime of 2008, I was going to have three months at home. I tried my hardest to get a job, any job up east where I go to school. But I couldn't afford it, and I was told by one of my former roommates that I couldn't stay with them, even though my roommate (whom I adore) went on the line for me and said I could stay with him as long as I wanted--we were really close. When I got home, things were okay for a couple weeks. Then my dad started coming home drunk at odd hours. I didn't realize that he'd been having alcohol issues lately. I knew he had started dipping snuff again--he had stopped a year or so before but started up again recently, according to my mom because he can't deal with "it." I had pressured my mom for divorce before, and it started up again, but she's a very devout Christian who didn't think it would be right to give up on my father when he was "sick." He'd been seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as depressed but then another doctor said he was bi-polar like his two sisters. A misdiagnosis (and mistreatment with the wrong drugs) could explain the recent, rather erratic behavior.
This past fall was also really my "sexual awakening," and I sort of continued it when I was in Germany this summer, but the real problem is just the effect of all this family drama. I used to get so upset about it. And now I'm a bit more hardened and don't care as much, though now I have my mother telling me I should "enjoy being home" and that it hurt her when I didn't say "it's nice to be home" when my grandmother asked me that question the other day. I wonder why I said, "It's an adjustment."
I don't know if it's the fact that I haven't really seen a successful relationship in action (my dad's had two affairs that I know of and actually left for 6 months when I was 16) or if I'm just not ready, but I can't seem to want to have sex with the same guy more than once. And to top it off, I don't really even enjoy sex. Typically, I cum 10-15 minutes (at least) after the other guy has when I fool around. And I've never gotten off from topping, and I've bottomed all of three times for the same guy (who happens to be the only guy I've had sex with more than once). While I came from bottoming, it was painful, and I don't plan on doing that any time soon. I'm just so frustrated. I'm at a point where I really need someone to be a positive influence in my life, whether it be a friend or a significant other. I'm really not averse to dating. I'm actually scared that if I did meet someone that I would screw it up because I would be so oblivious and not have sex enough. (Funny sidenote: I broke up with my one and only girlfriend at 16 because her friend told me that said gf had complained because we didn't make out enough. Maybe that was because I knew deep down I was gay, but it's still relevant maybe.)
Now that I'm 21, I suppose I actually have the opportunity to meet people in bars/clubs/wherever, but it really hasn't been the case. And sometimes, yes, I haven't been overwhelmingly confident in myself. But I really don't understand how no one could be interested. I'm actually rather attractive and have a nice body. I'm smart, and I love my friends. These attributes have actually all gotten me in trouble, so I'm just left confused and doubting. Maybe I'm crazy. The way I see it, people don't give me the benefit of the doubt. But maybe I just don't know how to go about and accomplish the simple things that other people take for granted. I've never seen a successful gay relationship, and the only seemingly close example to one is that of my "good" friend, though theirs is long-distance and I don't understand it at all. (If you're reading this, friend, that's why I asked about it.) And I know that seeking out a relationship is more than likely not going to get me one, but that's not what I'm asking for. I merely would like to know if it would even be possible. I come from a place where it's still a little taboo to be gay, and my extended family (who live in a rural area) write off distant gay cousins as jokes.
I know this isn't the typical "confused" post, but I'm really at a loss here. I've been back in the States for a little over a week, and I haven't felt lonelier. I'm in between places. My newly made friends in Germany are still there, and I haven't heard from them since I left. All my friends from home are now gone and living their own lives, and I suppose that means I have to do the same. But at every turn, I'm foiled by my parents. I know they just love me and want what's best for me (as they said when they were disapprovingly listing the hazards of being gay), but I have no idea what I want to do after university. And according to my parents (who have taken the loans out for my undergraduate), I can't take a year off to help decide. Even if I stayed home and worked. It's just not an option. So I was pressured into taking the GRE next week and the LSAT at the beginning of October. I don't feel like I'm out of my rights to refuse to do what my parents want me to do (it is my life after all), but it's also irresponsible to just leave them with $160k in debt and walk out. It is quite tempting though. There are a host of other issues involved, including my parents' theory that psychotherapy as a child made me gay, but I think what I've laid out are the foundations of my parental issues. I just don't know where to go from here. At the end of my time in Germany, I felt I was making a lot of progress (also thanks to a new friend there), but, of course, I had to leave. I'm just wondering...when's this going to turn into my life?
It means a lot just to know that someone is listening and perhaps cares just a little bit. I tried to organize this well, but it kinda just flowed out at the end, so it might be a bit convoluted. Sorry also for the length. I could just use any tips/pointers to know what to do.
Thanks a million. And I'm also a really good listener, and I've tried to give some advice and throw my two cents in some other threads, so if you need an ear, I'm here for you.
gaytxn09
