Differing needs for sex in a relationship

[cj010686]

Hey guys, I've been in a relationship for 7 months now with a guy I am really into. For a couple of reasons, I broke up with him a couple months back, but we realized we never really gave it a true shot to work on things. We decided to get back together and work on those things, and pretty much everything is working out except sex.

I want sex with my boyfriend all the time. If I touch my boyfriend's arm, I get a boner. I could have sex with him every single day, and I've had the hardest boners I have ever had with anyone, day in and day out. At first our sex was very frequent, but over time it has grown far less frequent and less passionate. This is one thing that led to our breakup, and he admitted that he jacked off to porn a little too often and committed to scaling back on that.

Fast forward two months from getting back together, and I do feel like it has improved somewhat. The passion has grown a bit, and we do have sex a little more often (maybe twice a week, and not full sex, but sexual stuff), but I almost feel like he does it just for me. He says he is mainly horny in the morning -- well, I have to go to work 2 hrs before him, so he's asleep when I wake up, and he won't wake up to have sex. This means we really can only do anything on a weekend morning when we get up together. He doesn't seem to get horny in the evening: when we're sitting on the couch in the evening or going to bed, he almost never initiates anything, and if I do, he often stops me. It's like torture lying next to this man and not being able to do something with him. It's almost like he has very little interest in me. When I ask if he finds me attractive, he says he does ("of course I do -- why would I be with you otherwise?"). And he definitely does want to be with me, and his friends confirm this.

One thing to mention is that he is 32, and I'm 26. I realize that may be some of the problem, but some of my 30-something friends say they are horny all the time. In case you're wondering, I know for a fact my bf does not cheat on me.

I have brought the problem up a few times. He says that when I talk about it, it just makes him want to have sex even less (he made an analogy -- if your mom tells you not to do something, you just want to do it more). I just told him today that we need to have a serious talk. I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some advice on how to approach this? He's what I want in a man in every other way -- interests, values, looks, etc., and I don't want this relationship to end because of sex

 

[lonnie1]

In order for the relationship to work long term, you're going to have to talk about this issue. It will destroy the relationship. Let him know what you need and if he can't deliver a reasonable compromise, suggest an alternative. Perhaps you could get an erotic massage during the week to release your tension or perhaps you could explore threeways. Something has to give. The sexual urge is just too great.

 

[Seasoned]

I think this needs serious discussion which is something I hope he's willing to do. This isn't about age, but there's no way to know what it's about unless he's open. I'm going to assume he's not cheating but I don't know how anyone could know that about another person, "for a fact." My husband and I have been around and around on this for years. I'm matter of fact and he needs to be romanced or taken by surprise or something. When I'd ask what got him in the mood he'd respond with, " a clean house." I didn't fall for that trap because if I had cleaned and still didn't get any there would have been a major explosion.

Honesty, couple's therapy, humor and my prostate surgery finally got us on or about on the same page.

Make the discussion fun, but if he seems to hold back suggest couple's therapy. As for my husband and me, we both identified as having elements of sex addiction with different manifestations.

 

[Rolyo85]

The "only in the morning" thing sounds like an excuse. Same for the "when we talk about it, I want it even less". You shouldn't have to bargain for sex in a relationship. Some times there are valid reasons - good or bad - and some times there are no real reasons, it's just low sex drive. In these cases the only thing you will get out of it is frustration because he simply needs less sex than you. However, you say it was great at first, which tells me something changed for him. You need to explore that.

In the end though, if you can't work it out, I suggest leaving. Feelings are a great thing, but sex is a GIANT factor in every relationship (or else why make such a big deal out of cheating?) and no relationship survives if one party is sexually frustrated. Try to figure things out, but if he refuses to talk about it or change something, walk out.

 

[cj010686]

Thanks guys for the quick responses. I'll definitely try to explore what has changed for him and what is keeping him from wanting to make advances. I'm just hoping it's not the newness that has worn off of the relationship or that he no longer finds me attractive. I know he wants to be with me long term based on words he shared with me after we broke up briefly, but I'm just afraid that he'll over promise and "force" getting in the mood, whether it's genuine or not. I know you can only sustain this forced mood for so long. I would love to try doing couple's therapy, and I've thought of this, but I'm not too sure what he'd think about it.

It just breaks my heart to think I may have to break up because of sex, since everything else is going for us

 

[Seasoned]

If he wants to keep the relationship that ought to be incentive enough for him to get into therapy with you. I hope he sees it that way. Best wishes and good luck.

 

[bankside]

He doesn't have to be as horny as you for this to work, but he has to at least enjoy it when you're horny and encourage you to enjoy it with him, even if that means he only wants to watch. Your sexuality can't be a turn-off for each other, and if he's going to play the card of "If you keep talking about it, it turns me off," then he needs to realize that hiding his head in the sand or trying to brush you aside might just turn you off.

And people should be trying to turn each other on, especially when they're in a relationship.

 

[sixthson]

It just breaks my heart to think I may have to break up because of sex, since everything else is going for us

If you do break up with him because of this, it will be your choice. Maybe next time you will find someone who can have frequent sex with but have nothing else going for you. Don't expect that to make you happy for long, however.

I really don't see how two grown men can't work this issue out, however. Maybe the bf needs to start by having a physical with his primary care physician to be sure all is well with him. Does he take any meds that could be causing problems with his sex drive?
Therapy may be part of your future whether he wants it or not. I agree with you, that he should want sexual intimacy with you and not just do it out of an obligation. That would just be a boner killer.

I have always believed that problems in the bedroom often have their roots somewhere else in the relationship. Be sure not to place all the blame on him.

If you have a good guy, try to hang in there and work it out.

 

[dhchitown1984]

My BF and I are sort of going through this right now, and we're (so far) making great progress.

It sounds like you value sex in the same way you value intimacy, and he may not see it the same way.
For you, the consistency of sex in the beginning was how you valued his attraction to you.
For him, the consistency of sex was because of the lustful nature of the new relationship. But now he's got you, and he wants to make love to you, and not just fuck you.... if you can see that difference.

I was in your shoes, my BF was in your BF's shoes.

So I told him how I felt, I told him why I wanted sex all the time, etc. I asked him what got him aroused sexually. I asked him what he fantasized about. Ask him to talk about it with you - now, if he's not a talker, the conversation may take two or three talks to get there. You can't rush it. If he starts talking and begins to shut down, respect the fact that he started the conversation. Sometimes it is harder for others to be completely open about these "private" things even though its about the both of you.

Sometimes, having a mediator like a Couples Counselor can help - but don't propose it as "We (or You) need help", because you don't want it to be perceived as you waving your hands in the air as a last ditch effort.... because you're doing it for logevity.

Sorry if the reply was scattered in thought, but good luck, and let us know what happens!

 

[racer2438]

As most have already said, you guy's really need to have a good sit down disscussion about this and clear the air. The #1 thing for any Relationship to work is communication, w/o this things will always be held back and no one will have a clear understanding of each others feelings/desires/needs.

Your just into this relationship a mere 7 months and at this stage you guys are just barely figuring youselfs out, knowing each others quirks and so on.

I been with my honey for 28yrs this month and aside from the fact we are really in love w/each other, we talk about everything all the time. Be it good bad what ever. Next in line for us is trust and love, the rest falls into place. But w/o those foundation rules/guidlines most LTR's don't make it that long. We are one of the few lucky ones that are making it and we feel so blessed,

and btw, my honey is one that always want's, needs, sex a lot. and me I was good with 3x's aweek b4, but in the last 10yrs or so and the reinvention of our sex play, I enjoy it everyday also a plus for him. On weekends it's at least 2 sometimes 3x's.

So if you really want this to work, you both have to talk it out and do some deep soul searching to each other.. I hope you guys work it out with some sort of comparmise and enjoy each others companey, cuz it's really cool to always have someone with you..

 

[vaporlockd]

Maybe the guy just has a low sex drive. I'd say if you've found everything else you want in a guy, making a big deal about the lack of sex should be miniscule. The hassling about it would be irritating and probably lead to even less action.