Difficulties

[Ragemonger]

Hey guys,

I'm a 21 year old guy, and I find it difficult to get/maintain an erection when being intimate with either a male or female; it is rare where I will be hard for them and, if it does get there, it takes an lot of effort and time. However, when I'm on my own, I've no issues with it. Is there anyone else here who is like this/used to be like this? And any advice would be really helpful

Thanks

 

[dance94]

Ive had this problem for along time, I can only get and maintain an erection when I am in a relationship with somebody and I am comfortable with that person, I am incredibly insecure about my looks and I think that has a massive impact on it, it might not be the same for you but that is my experience.

 

[Seasoned]

If a guy is able to get and maintain an erection when masturbating alone he knows he's ok physically. As soon as another person is involved thoughts can enter the equation and override the mechanics. Any thought can ruin things for some guys. Once it happens worry can set in and make things worse. Sometimes all you need is a positive experience or two and the problem is solved. If you know you're hooking up avoid masturbating. Sometimes that's all it takes.

There's nothing inherently wrong with an erection that appears, disappears and reappears during sex. Not all partners are game, but it does prolong the session and if you eventually have and orgasm it will be like edging and thus more powerful.

With more experience don't be surprised at how playful sex can be especially with a familiar partner. It's much easier to be able to talk about what's going on as opposed to being worried, embarrassed and possibly scared. And don't use porn examples as any type of bible. Videos are edited and there's no way of knowing how much fluffing is going on.

If it becomes a problem even when you're alone make sure you see your doctor.

 

[aaggii]

A lot of guys posting about the same problem said they masturbate too much. Could this be your case?

 

[badbug]

I've had this problem before and it was two issues....

The first was being insecure about being able to stay hard. I just got it into my brain that it might be an issue, so all i did was worry about that rather than enjoying what was going on. Like the other poster said, once i had a good relationship and wasn't worried about it, if i couldn't get it up i was with someone who i could laugh about it with, it wasn't an nearly as much of an issue.


The second part, was def. too much masturbation/porn. Not just porn, but having elaborate fantasies going on in my mind that required too much mental stimulation for me to stay hard/get off.

Too much masturbation, gripping your cock too hard all the time and not using enough lube, can de-sensitize the organ to a degree.

Also, too much mental/visual stimulation being required to get or maintain an erection, can make actual sex with just one partner seem rather bland.

Using a masturbation aid like a fleshlight, can help with the sensitivity thing if that's an issue, or lots of lube and not squeezing so damn hard!

And for the mental thing, if porn is your issue, try and stick to simple porn.

If it is just insecurity stuff, you'll probably grow out of it quickly when you have a few more positive experiences. Honestly, if you are with anyone who thinks it's a big deal, you probably don't want that type of person anyhow.... if they aren't willing to invest a little patience, then they aren't into you enough anyways and probably are just with you cause of other reasons.

I only mention it, cause it would be good to not put pressure on yourself. The less you think the better.

 

[lambdaboy]

Just work on your mind control. There is nothing physically wrong I think it is like a guy who is pee shy .

 

[jaysizzles]

It's performance anxiety. For whatever reason, you can't mentally let your guard down when you're with someone...yet. This is not an uncommon problem. Don't give up on trying to overcome this.

When you know you are going to be with someone, avoid alcohol and drugs, and don't masturbate for at least a few days beforehand. Ideally, it'd be good to have a sex partner that you can work through this with on a routine basis, but if you can't find that person, let the person that you are with know that you may not be able to achieve an erection, that it's something you are trying to overcome. Let them know that you are eager to give them pleasure in other ways and they can have fun with your body with no expectations. By telling them this, you take the pressure off yourself to have an erection and perform, but you are still physical with them, and thus you're overcoming some of your inhibitions on closeness, touching, etc. Try massaging each other, or whatever kink turns you on or that you masturbate to. Eventually you'll be relaxed enough that you'll naturally start to respond.

 

[hotatlboi]

I have to disagree with the previous poster on performance anxiety. It sounds like the OP has porn addiction or masturbates too frequently with excessive force. This causes physical changes in the brain that make it difficult to become aroused in the normal sense with a real person. This is not the same as performance anxiety.

Check out www.yourbrainonporn.com. I had the same issue for a while and that site was very helpful to me.

It may be performance anxiety if you are excessively nervous and fearful when you attempt to have sex, but in my case I could be totally relaxed and ready for it but it still wasn't working until I cut out porn and masterbation.

 

[hotatlboi]

If a guy is able to get and maintain an erection when masturbating alone he knows he's ok physically.

Only with your penis. Porn addiction is a growing problem in society that causes physical changes in the brain similar to drug addicts.

The problem is that medical science has not caught up with this problem yet, so if you go to the doctor he is unlikely to recognize the true cause.

One of the first peer reviewed studies to confirm structural brain changes similar to those of drug addicts was just published last year: http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0102419

Just as drug addicts lose a lot of normal functioning and generally become only interested in drugs, with porn addiction you eventually lose your ability to maintain an erection with a real partner because it is actually less stimulating than the endless sexual novelty and objectified beauty available with hardcore porn videos, and you have conditioned your brain to become aroused only to this heightened level of stimulation.

As badbug said, if you are able to get it to work, it will frequently involve fantasizing about various scenarios you have scene in porn while you are with your partner. As dumb as that sounds, your brain is basically fixated on an even higher level of sexual arousal (through greater levels of dopamine release) that you can achieve through a long session of masturbating to porn than on the naked real person right in front of you.

 

[hotatlboi]

Question to the OP, do you watch a lot of porn and/or masturbate frequently? If not, then it could be performance anxiety. If so, then it's probably porn/masturbation related.