Dilema!

[smiley1]

What would you do, if you found photo's and video footage of your partner, that you think he might be sharing with other people?

We are in a longterm relationship that is monogamous (15 years this year). My partner works away alot, sometimes he needs to travel to Europe for days at a time, sometimes upto a week. I'm not excuseing or condoning what he has done. I do understand it gets lonely, when you travel like that.
I've had my suspicions for a while now, due to a new webcam that was bought. I initially thought I was being irrational over it. I caught him accidently browsing a well known web cam site. I didn't have a problem with it, most of us like to be nosey and see what the fuss is all about.

Ironicly, he has trust issues with me. He has had no cause to mistrust me. His trust issues have got better over the years. He is also supposed to be building bridges, with me regarding the future of our relationship. We came close last year to splitting up, because of the trust issues he has.

I'm torn between being rational and talking to him about what I found, and going absolutely bat shit crazy! I feel totally let down.

I made copies of what I have found, and have put them on a memory stick somewhere very safe.

 

[palbert]

I think you and he need to go away for a weekend and have a serious discussion about the trust issues each of you seem to have.

I would not discard a 15 year relationship lightly. Similarly, if each of you view the other's behavior as a breach of the terms of the relationship, neither of you gain nothing by not recognizing it.

Even if he is sharing photos and videos, how are you harmed? Why do you view that as a trust issue? Has this been discussed?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

"Look, but don't Touch" I think is a pretty fair rule in most any relationship.

If all he's doing is posting nudes of himself, or flirting on line I guess I wouldn't be thrilled with it, but I wouldn't be overly pissed either, as long as the guys on the other end weren't local.

Men like to feel like they're still Hot, and attractive. Guys need that ego boost. YOU telling him this for 15 years isn't the same as him hearing it from strangers.

I'd find out what his motives are before flying off the handle.
If he just needs a little anonymous affirmation, not really a big deal.
If he's using it to find hookups on the side, behind your back, THEN you can be pissed off.

 

[Seasoned]

A lot of people seem prone to project their weaknesses and fuck ups on their partners. Is he not trusting of you because he's up to things that damage your trust of him? That's the question I'd want him to answer.

I'd also have a mutual heart to heart as to how you both handle horniness while he's away on business. What are your expect ions of him and vice versa? Each relationship is free to set up expectations, guidelines and definitions of what's allowed.

 

[smiley1]

It has been discussed, it's one rule for me and another rule for him. Which I obviously don't like and have said so. If he was to find pictures and video of me, I know for a fact he wouldn't like it. I couldn't even mention certain guy friends names without a huge arguement following, could you imagine what would happen if he found pictures and video of me?!

I agree with with 'look but don't touch'. It just feels very hypocritical, when he has to know my every movement and I found pictures video. As I said he has got better over the years, sometimes I know it kills him that I may see friends in another city. I can see he is fighting the urge to question my whereabouts and who I am with.
He has never had any cause to mistrust me at all. It's not behaviour I expect after being with someone for 15 years. He even at one point bought an ex-work colleage into our relationship, just to deliberately make me jealous. I knew what he was doing, and it didn't work.
Couples counselling has been suggested, I know it won't work because he had counselling before, and he never turned up for his appointments.
I'm not about to throw away 15 years, my patience is wearing very thin. I don't know what I have to do, to show him he really can trust me. If he can't trust me after 15 years, than I am inclined to think he never will.

Thank you all for your help and advice. It really is appreciated. You have raised some very valid questions, that rest assured will be asked.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You guys have way bigger issues than pictures and videos.

Double standards, insecurities, passive aggressive personalities, jealously, trust, communication, expectations, control issues...

I think that the pictures are a symptom, not the cause - although it wouldn't surprise me if he was using the pictures to meet others on line.

 

[palbert]

.... I'm not about to throw away 15 years, my patience is wearing very thin. I don't know what I have to do, to show him he really can trust me. If he can't trust me after 15 years, than I am inclined to think he never will. ....

I find myself agreeing with Borg69's comments in post 6.

Were I you I would not foreclose any options. You don't need the remainder of your life to be miserable.

 

[Georgiadude]

You guys have way bigger issues than pictures and videos.

Double standards, insecurities, passive aggressive personalities, jealously, trust, communication, expectations, control issues...

I think that the pictures are a symptom, not the cause - although it wouldn't surprise me if he was using the pictures to meet others on line.

I couldn't agree more. The first thing that popped in my head is "major control issues". It sounds like he pretty much gets his way and if he doesn't he pitches a fit and you cave. he doesn't like this or that, he can do this but you can't. it's ridiculous. your relationship is very passive aggressive.

You've already given up on counseling because he didn't show up in the past. stand up and don't give him an option. if he loves you and cares for you he'll go. if he doesn't then you have your answer on how he feels about the last fifteen years.

I get the feeling he's done more than just send some pics or vids. obviously I don't know for sure but the way he treats you and his constant traveling has me concerned. he travels a lot and suddenly brings home a webcam and now you're finding vids. he's obviously not sending them to you.....

Steven.

 

[smiley1]

I am aware of all the issues that have been raised. It is very passive aggressive. I try to be as communicative as possible and as direct as possible.

I don't cave in, he gets a chance to redeem himself, there are only so many chances one person can have. Surely 15 years is long enough, hence my patience wearing thin. As I have said before I am not about to throw away 15 years, I will do whatever it takes to save our relationship. At least if the worst comes to the worst, I can say to myself I tryed everything possible to save the relationship.

I will listen to what he says, normally I get an answer for everything, or I get fobbed off. I will be interested to hear how he responds to this particular situation.

Again thank you all for your advice. It is really appreciated.