Dilemma

[Stitch627]

What do you do when you have feelings for a friend who has a boyfriend but also admits feelings for you? We flirt, text a lot, even hold hands... He says he's torn up and that he tries not to have feelings for two guys at the same time.

It is not easy for me to back off as he's part of my group of gay friends. Each time I go out I see him.

 

[sixthson]

There are bfs and then there are bfs. How long have they been together? How much relationship experience does your friend have? Are they committed to each other or just dating? Do they claim to love each other.

Don't you wonder about the ability of your friend to commit to a boyfriend when he is flirting, holding hands and having feelings for other guys? Could he commit to you? Do you want to have that kind of fear and insecurity with a guy?

On the other hand, perhaps his relationship with his bf is not that strong and he just needs to decide who he wants.

Either way, if I were you, I wouldn't do anything to get between them. Let him decided for himself what he wants. If you break them up, he could come to resent you and then you are left with not even a friendship.

 

[TX-Beau]

I would tell him that I was off the menu until he got his own shit sorted out, tell him not to expect anything even if he does break up because I don't want to be any kind of factor in his relationship drama, and then I certainly would NOT encourage him.

He can't be seriously into me, if he stays with someone else. That "I love you both, so we'll just cheat," is a major justification.

if he's NOT exclusive with the other guy, and you know this for certain (not just because he told you so) the world changes.

 

[Stitch627]

They've been together for some months now. They broke up last august because the bf cheated on my friend on vacation. They got back together a couple of months later. And now the bf is abroad for 5 months for an internship. He will be back in September. My friend is goin to visit him next week. Besides before the bf left, I don't think their relationship was at its best. I thought they would have broken up with the bf going away but they didn't which saddened me...

In addition, when they were apart, my friend made a move on me but I wasn't interested at that time.

As for cheating, there's been no cheating with me. We haven't even kissed. I'm craving for a kiss but I don't want him to cheat and I don't think he wants either.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK you don't know what's going on between them even if he's talking to you about it. It's not your business anyway.

You can be supportive as a friend, but don't insert yourself into his drama.

You're flirting and holding hands and telling each other you have feelings but you don't want to cheat?

Sugar, think about that.

 

[Stitch627]

I know... Even though I don't really consider this cheating.

So what am I to do? Back off completely and behave strictly like a friend. I should probably do that. I'll see him this weekend before his vacation, Ill tell him to stop texting and stuff when he comes back

 

[racer2438]

ALL THE ABOVE...

But if he is doing this in his relationship now w/him. Whats to stop from it being done to you later on. You should stay out of there bussiness and let them have there own drama and work there issue out.

It's he is 1/2 way cheating and your encouraging it. We have friends also that we go out alone w/them but we don't go holding hands, hugging and or kissing other than a peck on the cheek when we meet. No drama needed.

 

[TX-Beau]

I know... Even though I don't really consider this cheating.

So what am I to do? Back off completely and behave strictly like a friend. I should probably do that. I'll see him this weekend before his vacation, Ill tell him to stop texting and stuff when he comes back

The bitch of it is that you know damn well that his boyfriend would have kittens if you did that shit in front of him, and while no one has inserted anything into anyone else yet, the intent is crystal clear - and the devil is always in the intent.

I'd just be a friend. If I was too attracted to him to pull that off, I'd keep my distance.

 

[CHUCK905]

^^^^ All of the above. From one who knows. A couple of years I was you; they broke up and surprise, surprise a few months later he did the same to me.

 

[Stitch627]

Ok guys I'll stick to this then...
However, I really don't think he's a cheater. He's already been in 1-2 long term relationships, and ended up been the one cheated on.

 

[Stitch627]

personally, I'd tell him that you have no intentions of being "the other man" but leave the door open if they ever break up for good.

I like that

 

[Stitch627]

Update
Last Saturday I went out to a club with my friend and 2 other friends. We had dinner and then went to a club. My friend and I danced together and ended up making out... First time...
I cannot tell if it is awesome or a big mistake...

 

[anchihiro]

Why not try polygamy?

 

[Stitch627]

Anything more constructive?

 

[Seasoned]

He's got to end a relationship and grieve before beginning a new one. Even after a break up they could get back together leaving you very, very alone.

 

[TX-Beau]

Anything more constructive?

You didn't listen to anything anyone else said, I don't see why you would now.

 

[Georgiadude]

You didn't listen to anything anyone else said, I don't see why you would now.

exactly what I was going to say. you said you were going to back off and tell him you weren't going to "be the other man". now you've clearly stepped way over the line and want some "constructive" advice ????? wow.

you were given sound advice and it didn't mean anything to you. go and do what ever it is you want to do. nothing we say is going to change your mind. your helping him cheat on his bf. you have gotten yourself into a HUGE mess and in the end it's probably going to cost you a good friend. you made your choice. now you have to live with the consequences. I highly suspect there wont be much more advice coming your way on this one.

Steven.