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discreet possibility

T

TJBill

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OK, well I need some advice. Sorry this is so long. I have a really good friend - we've been friends for about 12 years. He is totally gay and totally out (I am 'straight' - curious, lol). He is a great guy and we're pretty close even though he's not in town a lot because of his work. Anyway, he'd been in a relationship for a number of years but he recently told me that him and his boyfriend have 'opened up' their relationship for about 8 months or so now.

Now, he's been flirting with me for years. Nothing has ever happened and I've always kept it friendly with him. I've never really minded the flirting because he's my friend and I like him, so I've always smiled at his occassional comments and hugs. No biggie.

Well, like I said, he recently told me that his relationship is now 'open' (I guess because he travels a lot for work...). Anyway, we went out a few weeks ago, just the two of us, and he was pretty free with his hands - touched my butt, put his foot on my package under the table, etc.... I politely declined his advances, but it wasn't a big deal.

So now we have plans to go to a concert, just the two of us, in a couple of weeks. We'll probably get dinner and drinks first, and maybe some drinks after. So, finally, the question. Should I hook up with him? I do find him attractive - not my dream - but he's nice. Plus, I'm really close to him as a friend. And I'm totally not worried about sex ruining our friendship. I know it won't. I also think that he'd be into a one time or occassional fling. My concern is discretion. He knows almost everyone I know, and if he was to blab about us hooking up it would get around to everyone. I really don't want everyone to know my business. Also, there's a couple of girls I'm interested in dating in the group and news of me hooking up with my friend would totally ruin any chances with them, for sure.

So, what to do? I should say that I trust him as a friend. He's a great guy and I know he wouldn't hurt me (by blabbing) on purpose. Also, I'm really into messing around with a guy - so far all I've done is a little kissing. I know from his past behavior that he's be into messing around, and I'd be into messing with him. I'm sure he'd agree to keep things on the dl if I asked him. I guess the question is, can anyone ever be discreet about stuff? Is it possible? Or do people just always let things slip? Should I have some fun with him or should I look for someone not so close to home?

Again, sorry about how long this is. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
 
You're an adult - 40y/o - you say can trust him, are into experimenting with him and he claims it's ok with his partner.

Seriously - go for it. You'll be satisfying your curiousity and most likely fulfilling a fantasy for a good friend.

The only caveat I'd suggest is that you BOTH understand that it may be a one time deal and that either one can call it off with no hard feelings.
 
Hey, thanks guys for the comments. You both make good sense to me. So, I guess, I'm still up in the air with this. I will say, nsguy, that there wouldn't be hard feelings if either one of us called it off at any point. We're really tight friends -- and knowing the way we both are I'm sure things would end up fine no matter what.

At this point I'm thinking of just playing it by ear and waiting to see what actually happens on our 'date'. Hell, he might have a headache that night...

Well, thanks again. If there are any curious or bi or gay guys who have been through a similar experience I'd love to hear how it went or any other advice.
 
Hey TJ-
I have been in a similar situation with a friend of mine for the last 7 years. He is married with kids and I am openly gay. He and I have been messing around, mainly me blowing him, but we have done many other things as well. We have an understanding and have discussed all aspects of our relationship openly many times. The arrangement is that I don't tell anyone. It would ruin his marriage and jeopardize custody of his kids; I would never do anything to harm him.

The hardest parts of this are: 1. complete discretion. I have to be very careful about what I say and how I talk around other people. The un-intentional slip wouldn't be hard to do. 2. Keeping our feelings in check. We've been friends for nearly 20 years and we trust / love each other. I have a harder time keeping the feelings sorted out, but I manage and we discuss it when things start getting wound up. He has also struggled with this. We both agree that he is in his marriage and staying there...but it is easy to let a close friendship blur when sex is involved. This is something that I would caution you on.

Hope this helps.
 
Hey Randall. Thanks a lot for your comments -- I really appreciate it. Regarding the two concerns you wrote about -- (1) discretion - yeah, that's a big deal. Like I said before, I know my friend would keep things on the dl if I asked him, but, like you said, the unintentional slip-up can always happen; (2) feelings - I think my friend and I would both be ok with this one, but I guess you can never be certain. Still, I think we'd both just be in it for the fun. We're close enough already that I think we could both just look at a little play as a bonus. I would definitely talk to him about this beforehand - I really think he just wants to mess around, which is what I want too.

Well, our date is less than a week away now. Of course, I still have no plan -- just going to see what happens, I guess. I must admit, I am leaning towards trying something (my little brain talking, lol).

More comments are always good...

In any event, I'll post what happens either way. Thanks.
 
i say don't, if he's a close friend of your's don't

sex (can) complicate things..

yes, people can be discreet about things, u should look for someone not so close to home tho..


the furthest i'd suggest you go (if any at all) is a blowjob
 
Thanks for the comments guys.

Between the discretion thing and the fact he's a close friend I totally get the "don't go for it" advice.

I also like the idea of only going as far as a blowjob, lol.

Well, I've got 3 more days to think about this. Thanks again for all the comments. I'll keep you posted...
 
OK -- well here's the update I promised. I had my 'date' last night.

I'll just start off and tell you that nothing happened. As I had posted earlier, I decided that I would just play it by ear. Well, we had a really good time at dinner and the concert but my friend was not being anywhere near as flirtatious as he had been a few weeks ago.

Before we met he called me and told me that he had a last minute business trip and that he had to leave for the airport at 5am the next day -- so we wouldn't be going out drinking after the show. He was friendly, as usual, but was not going over the top with the flirting like he had a few weeks ago.

So, a little while into the night I figured I would just test the waters a little. I asked him about his new 'open' relationship and how that was going with him and his boyfriend (who I also know). He told me me that they actually weren't 'open', and that I must have misunderstood, that they had talked about it (because of his frequent travelling) but had decided against it. I was like, 'oh, ok'. Now I should say that we had been drinking that time a few weeks ago when I thought he had said his relationship was open, but we weren't drunk. I guess I could have misheard him, but I don't think so. Anyway, I didn't push him on it.

So we had a good time at the show but he had to split right after. I don't want to give the wrong impression -- we really had a good time, but there just weren't any sparks going on. I guess maybe I just caught him on a horny night a few weeks ago. I mean, he did put his foot on my package under the table that night. I may be dense, but that seemed like a sign to me at the time.

Well, I'm OK that nothing happened (maybe a bit disappointed). Considering some of your posts, its probably for the best. Again, I want to say that there was no tension or anything. It was just a friendly night. And like I said before, I really like having him as a friend, so everything's cool.

Thanks again for reading and for your comments.
 
Looks like you've already got your answers and may not even need anymore advice but since I'm catching up with everyone I'll just throw my two cents in. lol

I'm really hesitant to hooking up with friends. It almost always ends in disaster. Even if everything seems fine, you just never know.

With this situation, you know his boyfriend as well. That is a huge red flag for not doing anything with him. His boyfriend could get jealous and cause tension between you guys when your hanging out.

just my opinion.

..|
 
Hey, thanks for the words, n-dogg.

Well, now that I know that his relationship is not 'open', and I know his boyfriend (nice guy, btw), I think it's best that we didn't mess around. Would have been fun, but a bad idea....
 
sounds like everything turned out just fine!

it's interesting that you "misheard" him... or something. But in the overall context of a long-term friendship, that's probably a very small thing.
 
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