Divorcing and Struggling

[PABear]

Hey everyone. I was recently referred to this site and this forum seems like a good place to ask some questions/get some help.

I've been married for 18 years. Before we got married I told my wife that I "used to be attracted to guys". She took it at face value and never really questioned it. A few times over the years, the subject has come up with so-so results.

We've been working a lot on our relationship the last 18 months and seeing a marriage counselor. A month ago, I told her that I was gay and only attracted to men. I wasn't looking to end the relationship, honestly, I just wanted to stop the pressure of having sex (which we haven't had in 7+ years).

Two weeks ago, she told me that she wants a divorce. Now, I'm in the process of trying to rebuild my life. Because I am self-employed (and not making much money), I am going to have to find a job, find somewhere else to live, find new friends (most of our friends are from church), develop a completely new identity and try to figure out a way to explain this to everyone.

Meanwhile, I still love my wife dearly and she loves me as well. She has told me that if I would just fuck her occasionally, she would stay married to me. But I have no desire at all to have sex with her.

I'm completely overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do and how quickly it has to happen. My online gay friends are telling me that I should be happy because I'm "finally being who I really am". At the same time, I'm feeling an incredible amount of self-hatred and blaming myself for destroying a marriage and screwing up our kids' lives.

I'm not sure where I"m going with this, but whatever you might be able to suggest, I would greatly appreciate.

Thanks!

 

[tangential]

If all that stands behind your marriage is a question of sexual monogamy, if that's all your marriage is about, then it makes sense to reboot your lives. BUT seriously. If you value the other elements of your partnership and indeed love one another, why not consider being generous to one another and becoming monogamisch? That is being monogamous in heart and in sharing a life, in being parents to your children and continuing to build a home, but free to develop healthy, self-edifying sexual relationships outside the marriage. I say all of this in the context of you two being together for 18 years and having that much of a life together.

 

[PABear]

If all that stands behind your marriage is a question of sexual monogamy, if that's all your marriage is about, then it makes sense to reboot your lives. BUT seriously. If you value the other elements of your partnership and indeed love one another, why not consider being generous to one another and becoming monogamisch? That is being monogamous in heart and in sharing a life, in being parents to your children and continuing to build a home, but free to develop healthy, self-edifying sexual relationships outside the marriage. I say all of this in the context of you two being together for 18 years and having that much of a life together.

She isn't interested in that at all. She literally told me, "If you'll have sex with me on a regular basis, we can stay married. If not, I want a divorce." She's extremely religious, so the idea of having sex with someone without being married to them is out of the question for her.

It's no longer in my hands. People keep asking me what I want out of life, but honestly, I have no vision for my life that didn't have her in it. I feel like someone set off a nuclear bomb in my life and I'm just looking at a giant hole.

 

[Seasoned]

I know what you are going through. I was married to a woman for 14 years and I have two children.

You have a world of choice ahead of you which includes hope and change.

While all LTR relationships ought to offer a degree of comfort and safety they also ought to contain a whole lot more. You and your wife have been short changed for a long time.

While all change can be disconcerting you now have to decide how to live your life. You'll have freedoms you haven't had. I understand that you're scared because of feelings of being alone, but you have opportunities now to be authentic and true to yourself if you so desire.

Straight marriage allows us to hide and to have a certain societal status, but the emotional price is too high. Now is the time for self-acceptance and learning to live independently. Take things as slowly as you wish.

Feel free to check in here often and to private message people with whom you're comfortable. You'll find a lot of support. Best wishes.

 

[palbert]

You are faced with the two regrets. You will regret staying and foregoing a self-actualizing life; or, for a time you will regret leaving and entering a world with which you are unfamiliar and perhaps initially uncomfortable.

I was faced with a similar situation years ago, except mine was a gay relationship of 17 years.

Life together had become so routine that it went forward as a series of set pieces. We were constraining each other; sex was long a thing of the past, although the affection still remained. Sure we had an active cultural and social life but something at the center of the relationship was gone forever.

I -- with counseling -- knew I had to leave. I was fortunate to be able to move from Miami to DC and slide into a better position with my company's office there. I decided I would hurt my partner as little as possible. I left my partner just about everything: the house, the antiques (which themselves had become a surrogate for our relationship), and the mementoes of our life together: they were more important to him than to me at that point. I took only what would fit in a UHaul.

I never looked back. Within 18 months I was in a relationship that accommodated the changes and growth I had undergone.

Life has many doors. Sometimes you have to walk through one of them not knowing what is on the other side. I did and have never regretted it.

(I have heard that my former partner has blossomed in his profession and become self-actualizing. He gained from the traumatic experience as well.)

I wish you good luck and personal strength. PM me if you wish.

 

[Supervert]

Two weeks ago, she told me that she wants a divorce. Now, I'm in the process of trying to rebuild my life. Because I am self-employed (and not making much money), I am going to have to find a job, find somewhere else to live, find new friends (most of our friends are from church), develop a completely new identity and try to figure out a way to explain this to everyone.

Meanwhile, I still love my wife dearly and she loves me as well. She has told me that if I would just fuck her occasionally, she would stay married to me. But I have no desire at all to have sex with her.

Based on the above, wouldn't life be much easier if you caved in to her demands? Consider it a divorce settlement, of sorts. And don't worry about performing in bed, you can blame it on ED or alcohol (if you drink) and just use your tongue, or pop Viagra.

If that alone will make her happy, then she's not asking for much.

 

[njcollegekid]

if you love her, and she loves you; and the only issue is that you two are not sexually compatible, perhaps you could stay together, but say screw monogamy. let her find herself a fuckbud, you find yourself one, and see how the dynamic works.
if thats not preferable, then divorce. and dont worry about a divorce 'screwing up your kids lives'. my parents are divorced, about half of my friends parents are divorced, we survived.

 

[whitedavo]

Based on the above, wouldn't life be much easier if you caved in to her demands? Consider it a divorce settlement, of sorts. And don't worry about performing in bed, you can blame it on ED or alcohol (if you drink) and just use your tongue, or pop Viagra.

If that alone will make her happy, then she's not asking for much.

I just, I don't even. This is horrible advice in my opinion because it's putting your own wellbeing aside for someone who doesn't respect what you want out of life.

I'm going to lay it out since that works best for me and sometimes others. If you've been married that long, you're not young enough to dilly dally in life. It's better that you make the most of your life, regardless of age, so being with someone that doesn't respect who you are and what you want is futile. Quite frankly, tell her to go fuck herself if she wants to be fucked. I can understand her disappointment and denial but she probably has the same fears as you.

Seasoned explained better than I could ever have.

 

[Supervert]

I just, I don't even. This is horrible advice in my opinion because it's putting your own wellbeing aside for someone who doesn't respect what you want out of life.

I'm going to lay it out since that works best for me and sometimes others. If you've been married that long, you're not young enough to dilly dally in life. It's better that you make the most of your life, regardless of age, so being with someone that doesn't respect who you are and what you want is futile. Quite frankly, tell her to go fuck herself if she wants to be fucked. I can understand her disappointment and denial but she probably has the same fears as you.

Seasoned explained better than I could ever have.

Excuse me? What about her well-being?

I'll bet you're all for marriage equality, yet won't take into consideration that OP is married.

From what I gathered, she does respect and understands what he wants out of life, but is looking out for herself as well.

If he's willing to meet her half way, as most couples/partners do, then it will benefit the both of them socially, spiritually, financially, emotionally and sexually; I'm not even factoring in whether or not they have children, but that'd be taken into consideration too.

PABear, you mentioned you told her a month ago--have you both had couples sessions since then? This seems like a critical time for the both of you, and communication will be crucial; it may be best to have an objective third party around.

Therapists (and clergy) charge less than lawyers, mate...

 

[Callum]

^...ummm, did you miss the part about the OP telling his wife he was gay? Any self-respecting therapist won't 'mend' their relationship. Clergy, on the other hand...

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, OP. I've never been in your situation, so I can only imagine the struggle you have. As Seasoned mentioned, lots of posters here would be willing to talk to you, and you to them. A few have even been in your position.

 

[PABear]

Thanks Everyone.

Life is definitely interesting around here lately. I saw a couple recruiters today about jobs (I've been a stay-at-home dad). I'm also working on a plan of attack to what needs to be done.

I'm still quite emotional at some points (i.e. when talking about the divorce), but I'm at least becoming more functional. So, I'm assuming that this is good.

I'm also seriously considering moving next year to someplace more gay friendly. My town is not gay friendly at all. (It's 70% Catholic).

Thank you for all your help and support!

PABear

 

[Seasoned]

Stay in touch at least until you have a wider support system. I'd also advise you to maintain a close relationship with your kids. As far as Catholicism goes, it depends on the parish. My husband and I appear in our parish directory. It is possible to shop for a friendly parish.

Take care.

 

[PABear]

Stay in touch at least until you have a wider support system. I'd also advise you to maintain a close relationship with your kids. As far as Catholicism goes, it depends on the parish. My husband and I appear in our parish directory. It is possible to shop for a friendly parish.

Take care.

Thanks Seasoned. I'm planning on sticking around for a bit. My daughter and I will always be incredibly close. She's actually closer to me than she is to my wife. So, I'm not too worried about that. I am a bit worried about telling her I'm gay. She's got gay friends and is pro-gay, but it's different when it's your dad. She hasn't been told yet and I'm nervous about how it's all going to go down...

 

[Seasoned]

^My daughter is one of our greatest champions. I hope the same happens for you.

 

[Supervert]

^...ummm, did you miss the part about the OP telling his wife he was gay? Any self-respecting therapist won't 'mend' their relationship. Clergy, on the other hand...

She said she didn't care (from what I gathered), as long as he fucked her occasionally--it can physically be done.

I didn't suggest that therapy would mend the relationship, but simply allow for a third party mediator in case things turn acrimonious.

PABear: Not sure what you think of my 2 cents, but I wish you & your family the best...

 

[whitedavo]

Please just listen to Seasoned. He offers excellent advice and he's been through what you're going through. Any attempt to diminish who you are as a person and what you want is counterproductive.

 

[mikey3000]

I say continue on the road to divorce. Remain friends with your wife (and you and her may actually become better friends than ever) and start your new life. I'm so excited for you!!! I know you can do it!!!!! Do it for those of us who can't.

 

[Elwood]

Been there have the t-shirt lol. It has been ten years now since I got divorced and came out of the closet. Believe me I understand your concern with your daughter, I worried for three years about telling my then 10 year old twin boys. It really was not an issue at all, they have accepted it for what it is, and just last Christmas they got me a Chippendale calendar, so I said to them hmm where should I put this up where all your friends can see it when they come over? To which they replied pfft who cares our friends all know you are gay and they don't care!

So basically I would not worry to much about telling your daughter but I definitely know why you are.