Do I even have the right to request/expect monogamy??

[gwailo]

I'm a believer in monogamy but I have this friend I've been messing around with lately (no intercourse (yet). Neither one of us are in a relationship and I've already discussed openly with him that I don't want a relationship with him.

Is it fair of me to ask him to be monogamous with me? I've never really had a fuck buddy before but he's a cool guy. We don't live super convenient to eachother so we aren't always around eachother doing boyfriendy relationship stuff. We just hang out and fuck around when we are together.

I feel like asking someone to be physically dedicated when they are not in a relationship is wrong but at the same time I don't want to mess around with someone that is messing around with other people. We've both told eachother we aren't seeing/messing around with other people..

Should I just relax and have fun with this guy? I've always only ever been in relationships my whole life so I'm not quite sure what the boundaries or expectations are with a setup like this. I know I don't want a relationship with this guy because he feels more like a buddy to me and I'm not super attracted to him (he IS cute just not really my type) and he says he's having a good time but not expecting anything either because of our situation.

Sooo...??

 

[TX-Beau]

You can't expect or ask him to commit to something you won't commit to.

 

[hughmc]

Since you say you don't want a relationship with this guy even though he is cute he is not your type, I think you have no right to ask or expect him to be monogamous. That stacks the whole deck against him. And since you say he is not your type, why are you fucking him? To me, even that seems unfair to him. Try looking at this problem from his point of view.

 

[gwailo]

^ Well like I mentioned in my original post, I'm not fucking him. He has also claimed to just be having fun and we have both asked eachother if we are seeing other people which to me says we both want the same thing and if either one of us does find someone we want to pursue we would just call it what it is and be just friends.

I just wanted to get some opinions before things went on too long. Is there such a thing as monogamous fb's?

 

[TX-Beau]

A monogamous fuck buddy is a boyfriend.

 

[hughmc]

Sorry if I misunderstood what you meant; when you said you had never had a fuck buddy before, I took that to mean that you did have one in him. The fact that you have both asked one another if you are seeing other guys may not have the same interpretation to him as you are giving it. I think you really need to clarify that and make sure that both of you are singing from the same sheet of music. That, to me, would be the fair thing to do for both of you

 

[DarkHelios]

I don't think it's a question of whether or not you have a right to expect it. It's a question of whether or not he's willing to agree to it.

 

[gwailo]

Yeah I definitely don't want either of us to be on the wrong page or reading an entirely different book!

"A monogamous fb is a boyfriend"

But if we are both single and enjoying the sexual interaction without a commitment is that bad? I know in the movies, one person always falls for the other and stuff but has anyone experienced a strictly plutonic fb that worked out?

I am genuinely asking this question because I've never done it before.

 

[TX-Beau]

But if we are both single and enjoying the sexual interaction without a commitment is that bad? I know in the movies, one person always falls for the other and stuff but has anyone experienced a strictly platonic fb that worked out?

It's not a question of bad or good, it's a question of communication. Certainly if he's willing - so be it.

The question is also whether you're willing to do the same for him. If you are, O.K. but if you're not willing, and he is, he's got feelings for you, and if you're not, why?

Telling guys you're not interested - if they are, doesn't always work. Some of them will cherish hope in the face of all kinds of rejection; put up with all kinds of treatment and still tell themselves in their heads that they have a chance - hell it's why they're like that. If you're fucking him at the same time, it can get messy.

Is that him? I don't know, but just in case, you might not want to ask for anything that looks like commitment.

I'm not sure why you're thinking about this anyway. Are you barebacking, is this a sexual hangup - as in you don't want other cock in your territory? Some variation therof?

What's your motivation? If he's a friend treat him like you'd like a friend to treat you.

 

[TX-Beau]

Just to be clear, I'm not really talking about the hypothetical of the two of you just fucking each other until something comes along, I'm curious about your motivations - because that's usually where the bitch of it is.

If you do have this conversation with him, don't call it monogamy, tell him something like the sentence above.

 

[gwailo]

Ok so he stated in the very beginning he was having fun. He wasn't looking for anything. If something happens it happens. If it stays light and casual fun, so beit.

(And again we have not been fucking. Just other stuff.)

The vibe I'm getting is neither of us are interested in a 3rd party at this time. We are just enjoying hanging out every few weeks or so with a good suck/jo/make out session or 5 mixed in (I do not bareback at random btw. I'm not an idiot. I didn't even bb my last bf).

My motivation is...I don't really have a motivation? I'm not trying to woo him into a relationship, or use him to get back at someone. I guess my only motivation is a little sexual satisfaction. He seems to be into it the same. The last time we hung out I wasn't really that horny and he seemed totally fine with hanging out and doing whatever (Genuinely, not out of compromise). He said he doesn't have a problem jo'ing or whatever if he REALLY needs to get off. Our dynamic feels very buddy buddy. A lot different from my past relationships with both guys and girls.

I dunno. I guess I could/should try and clrify with him a little more about what HE would like and figure it out from there..and like I said, he says he's not working a bunch of angles with other guys (and neither am I) I just get the sense that he is down for whatever.

And personally if he feels like moving on or is interested in someone else and wants to pursue it, id be ok. I guess I just need to find out for certain if he is in the same boat. He said from the start he was but that was before we started to get to know eachother and started doing things..

 

[Seasoned]

You have the right to ask for the moon. The other guy has the right to say no fuckin way.

 

[TX-Beau]

The vibe I'm getting is neither of us are interested in a 3rd party at this time. We are just enjoying hanging out every few weeks or so with a good suck/jo/make out session or 5 mixed in (I do not bareback at random btw. I'm not an idiot. I didn't even bb my last bf).

My motivation is...I don't really have a motivation? I'm not trying to woo him into a relationship, or use him to get back at someone. I guess my only motivation is a little sexual satisfaction. He seems to be into it the same. The last time we hung out I wasn't really that horny and he seemed totally fine with hanging out and doing whatever (Genuinely, not out of compromise). He said he doesn't have a problem jo'ing or whatever if he REALLY needs to get off. Our dynamic feels very buddy buddy. A lot different from my past relationships with both guys and girls.

Well, yeah, we got that you are only interested in getting off. But here's the deal, if you're not fucking, and if you're not going further than basically making out and some suckage, why are you thinking of asking him not to be with other guys?

Why does it matter to you?

Is it an STD scare thing? Because other than that, it's a strange enough request that it makes me wonder if there IS something going on between the two of you.

 

[rjmrjm21]

I'm a believer in monogamy but I have this friend I've been messing around with lately (no intercourse (yet). Neither one of us are in a relationship and I've already discussed openly with him that I don't want a relationship with him. Is it fair of me to ask him to be monogamous with me? I've never really had a fuck buddy before but he's a cool guy. We don't live super convenient to eachother so we aren't always around eachother doing boyfriendy relationship stuff. We just hang out and fuck around when we are together. I feel like asking someone to be physically dedicated when they are not in a relationship is wrong but at the same time I don't want to mess around with someone that is messing around with other people. We've both told eachother we aren't seeing/messing around with other people..Should I just relax and have fun with this guy? I've always only ever been in relationships my whole life so I'm not quite sure what the boundaries or expectations are with a setup like this. I know I don't want a relationship with this guy because he feels more like a buddy to me and I'm not super attracted to him (he IS cute just not really my type) and he says he's having a good time but not expecting anything either because of our situation.Sooo...??

You could ask...but he's not under any obligation. If he says "no" then you really don't have a right to be upset. It's actually kind of selfish of you. In any friends with benefits type situation someone is basically using the other. A double whammy. "I want to have sex with you but, I don't want to care for you afterward and you're just not that special. By the way, can you not have sex with anybody else, while I find my Mr. Right?"

 

[bankside]

If he agrees to it you have a right to expect it.

It's not selfish at all, it is just smart for both of you to protect your health, and it makes it easier to have fun together that way.

It is also unconventional. So that means you can't just assume what the rules "should" be, you need to talk about it with him.

 

[EJMichaels]

A monogamous fuck buddy is a boyfriend.

Not necessarily. There are emotional differences. It sounds like the idea is for having just one fuck buddy during the time of not seeking a "relationship" (for both of you). Makes sense to me. It seems reasonable to have knowledge and opinions of the other sexual activities of a partner, even for reasons other than health. However, since it doesn't seem to be a health issue here, more discussion will be needed to sort out this unconventional arrangement.

 

[gwailo]

I don't think I'm cut out for an arrangement like this. We almost went all the way the other night but I didn't feel comfortable.

I'm in such a fucked up place in my life right now I just thought I wanted somethilng easy and noncommittal. He seems fine with everything so I don't think it will be any skin off his teeth but I can't bring myself to ask him to be an exclusive fb.

For the record I would reciprocate anything he did for me in regards to exclusivity. Treat other how you want to be treated.