Do I Have a Right to be Upset?

[BlueEyedGay]

Hey all.

So I've been in a relationship with a pretty amazing guy for nearly a year now. The chemistry is great, we have amazing sex. No complaints really.

Last night, however, I came across his profile on this forum. Upon going through his post history, I saw that he's been posting pictures of his dick here in addition to commenting on pictures of others (nothing too explicit, things along the line of "Super hot, like to see more!", "Would love to see you cum!"). A lot of this was before we'd met, but it has not stopped since either.

I have to admit it's bothered me. So my question is, do I talk to him about it? Is it something I have a right to be upset about? I'm no prude, we both watch porn etc and that's no problem. I feel though, that directly commenting on someone's dick regarding how hot it is, how he'd like to see more or see it cum etc is on the borderline of chatting with someone on an app like Grindr.

So I'd appreciate thoughts.

Thanks.

 

[KaraBulut]

Talk to him about it. But talk to him about it in terms of what you're feeling, not about whether he has a right to do so. But a caution: you should figure out why you feel the way you do. Does this bother you because you feel that commenting on other men is not right? Or does it bother you because it makes you feel insecure?

There's something that you should be aware of since you're not a long-term member here. One of the traditions in the Show Yourself Off forum is that the regulars there make supportive comments to people who post. There's a lot of negative messages that gay men get in society about how they compare to the "perfect body". Most of guys posting in the SYO forum don't have perfect bodies and don't look like the porn star bodies found on the rest of JUB. So, that positive feedback is welcomed and is the norm for that forum.

 

[medic1]

Kara has hit the nail on the head.

Many of the members are not what one would class as your typical porn model look. It gives us all a chance to pay a compliment to a guy, and hopefully make his day that other members find him hot.

Have a chat with your man and explain that you were surprised to see his posts, but do try not to make it sound accusing.

It sounds like he is just offering support to other members for having the courage to post. Believe me when i say that those compliments do wonders for the members esteem.
He sounds like a nice guy, if he is taking the time to compliment other members for posting.

You have great chemistry, amazing sex, and no complaints. Try and keep that in mind when you have the talk with him. Good luck, but i honestly doubt you have anything to be worried about.

 

[mcbrion]

Have you ever discussed what it means to each of you to "be in a relationship"? Does that mean to him that he can post photos of himself and comment on others, that he can be on a site like this? Maybe what a relationship" means to you is not what it means to him, by which I mean what you agreed upon (i.e., monogamy, not keeping apps like Grindr on his phone, etc.). Many guys assume that it's enough that "the chemistry is great and we have amazing sex." And that is great, but if you're committed, the "deal-breakers" also need to be/have been discussed. It sounds like this is a good time to investigate. And I agree with what others said about the approach, but there's also nothing wrong with saying, "You know, we never discussed this in the beginning of our relationship (if you didn't). Now that we're a couple, something I saw recently reminded me we hadn't discussed this." When the welfare of a partner is a concerning matter, the other partner, if equally devoted/committed, will want to know what's bothering you, because he, presumably, is in love with you. (You didn't say you were in love, bit I'm assuming that. Not all relationships are based on being "in love.")
But one thing's for sure:The Uncertainly Principle has no place in a relationship. So, remove it. Ask what you need to know so you can feel secure again, because right now? You're not.

 

[SC6201]

You have a right to be upset.

You do not have a right to assume your partner will have the same expectations in regards to the relationship without open and honest commutation about both your feelings without getting confrontational or coming from a place of jealousy due to assumptions.

 

[sixthson]

I hope you know that JUB is not a hookup or dating site. We're guys, mostly gay or bisexual, with a few who claim to be straight as well as a few lovely ladies. We are harmless/non-threatening to your relationship or anyone elses. Fact is, many of us are partnered or married.
As for looking at other guys naked pics and complementing them, it is probably less erotic than a porn video.

Might I suggest you read some of the forums and get a feel for the place. Mostly, this is a friendly place. Mostly.

One other suggestion: why not join, show your dick in the amateur section and see if your bf recognizes it?

 

[BlueEyedGay]

Thanks for the thoughts so far. Yes, we've discussed what we view as a relationship and agreed on a monogamous relationship. Yes, we mutually agreed to delete apps such as Grindr and not actively seek out the attention of other men. And yes, we love each other.

I can also appreciate the site is often used to boost the confidence of men that perhaps don't meet with the beauty standards set by society or the gay porn industry.

I'm not going to make a big deal about it or be confrontational, but I would be lying if I didn't say it bothered me.

 

[techie70]

Hey BlueEyedGuy,
In the context of what you have shared, I agree I would be bothered too. You do seem to have dotted the Is and crossed the Ts in terms of having the convos about YOUR relationship and what you both find acceptable. While I do generally agree with others about how posting body pics here can be freeing and is not the same as Grindr etc, I do get that discovering your BF was going beyond a general encouragement to a somewhat more suggest comment might bother you. The good thing is you brought it up here. And the advice others have given is the best recourse. Talk to you bf and tell him how this made YOU feel. Try as best you can to not imply judgement but look for understanding of why he needed/wanted to do this. This could turn out to be a good thing for your relationship in terms of learning to really be able to talk to each other.

I have to ask though, how did you "discover" his profile on this forum? To have an honest discussion him, I assume that will come up. JUB isn't unknown, but it does make me wonder if snooping wasn't involved. No judgement. Been there done that years ago in my younger days. Just want to help you best frame the discussion as that is what will help you move beyond this.

Techie

 

[BlueEyedGay]

No snooping involved. I knew he frequented the site, decided one night to check it out myself. Happened upon a thread that beyond a shadow of a doubt was written by him, went into the profile and his identity was confirmed by the post history (pictures).

Anyhow, I talked to him about it and he understands where I'm coming from. He agreed he'd have been bothered too if he'd come across pictures of me posted for all to see online. So we're good now.

 

[hotscenic]

It really is only natural if your partner is seeking more on the side so to speak . Dont be too upset about it . Talk to him about it by all means but in the right environment say after you have both watched hot videos or you may have been to a gay pool party and there were guys swimming naked etc . if you live near a gay sauna you both might want to try going in there together and having threesomes . This does happen quite a bit .It sound s like a pretty hot relationship you both have there and I would be hanging onto such a relationship like grim death ( thats a saying ).Even to the point in letting him know that you really value him and want to work towards making it better and and the both of you can move forward.