Do I tell a "straight" guy that I like him?

[backseatboy]

Hey guys.. I'm having an amazing time with a friend of mine. Such an amazing time that I'd feel like I might be missing out on an amazing relationship. The only issue is he is straight. I'm just not sure if I believe him. I know I could be believing what I want to believe. He is cute, kind, understanding, smart, fun, fit, everything I love in a guy. I'd be dumb if I didn't wish he were gay, you know?

Tonight I was going to tell him how I felt about him, but I chickened out. I have a hunch that he is looking at me to tip the ice burg. He is curious about gay life, and is so understanding about it all.

We hang out 5 times a week, I teach him piano, he teaches me how to drive a manual car, he has no qualms about going to gay clubs, we shop together, talk about sex together, drink together, and really never stop texting and tweeting each other. IF he were gay and we were hooking up, I'd consider this a relationship. But, we have nothing physical going on between us; so in my mind I have to remind myself we are just friends.

He knows I'm gay and talk to him about my life very openly. I'm my flamboyant self and he doesn't shy away, but is totally comfortable with how I live my life. I've known him for 9 years and over the past 4 months we are closer than ever.

I want to respect his heterosexuality, so much so that I've set him up with 2 girls but the dates are a total bust. The longest relationship he had was 4 weeks and he is 25. I'm realizing that he already has my heart and I don't know if I can get it back without letting him know how I feel. Am I crazy for thinking he might be bi/gay? I'm scared to put myself out there to guys that are out of the closet, but I'm really scared of putting my feelings on the line for someone who is questionably straight. I'm hoping I have the courage to tell him the next time we hang out.

 

[MindBlast]

Bad idea.

Don't do it.

You're only setting yourself up for disappointment. Here's what I would do: mention that you're at the point in your life where you'd like a boyfriend, but you don't really know where to start. Ask him if he knows any other gay or bi guys.

 

[backseatboy]

ah, you think so? I have my self psyched up to tell him soon. However, I'm all for saving my self disappointment. *i should also mention that a similiar situation happened to me in 2009 and I just this summer get a call from him telling me he was gay all along.

 

[Seasoned]

How about something like this? "There are times when I wish youngest gay or bi," or "how do I find a gay or bi version of you?" It sounds Luke you are going to tell him something soon and I'd recommend the indirect approach in a case like this because it does two things in case you don't get the outcome you wish. It allows some wiggle room, mean it's not as scary as, "I want you," and it's a seed planter if he's anything like your last crush.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Seasoned gives some good advice. Going the indirect way may help you fish out a safe response. I think you have an amazing friend who has been with you that long and shares so much of his life with you. Regardless of what happens, you have a wonderful friendship and should feel blessed for it.

 

[MascutarHero]

go with the "what if" question if you were to do it, and drink with him to

 

[Ganoderma]

Hi Backseatboy,

I tend to give you the advise to tell this guy that you like him. It is up to you in which way you should tell this to him: in a very direct way or in a very indirect way, eg. by giving some hints.

There is a huge variation in the range of the type of relationship a straight guy can have with a girl. Quite a few straight guys have a relationship with a girl, but without sex. Maybe they think it is too early for sex, maybe they think they first want to learn each other better, etc. Quite a few straight guys who had a kind of 'traditional' education, don't want to have sex with a girl when he is not married with her. Besides that, who is deciding what kind of friendship / relationship a particular straight guy has with any particular girl? Is it always needed to nail a 'name' on their friendship? Is the definition of a 'relationship' similar for anyone? I disagree.

I am trying to tell you that there are alot of ways you can go on with the friendship / relationship you have at the moment with this guy. Some people like to nail 'names' on their particular friendship, but no one outside both of you can insist that you should put any label on it. Such kind of rules don't exist, and 'relaxed gay guys' like you (excuse me if I am wrong) are free to 'organize' their own life. You might consider this 'free approach' as one of the benifits of being gay. On the other hand, also straight people have similar opinions towards their relationship / friendship with other people.

Excuse me if I am abit vague. I tend to think that you can be open to this guy that you like him. For me, this does not mean at all that you need to have sex with him. Talk with him, if he might have questions about it. Guys can have a huge variety of levels of friendship they have with each other, and I tend to think that you don't need to 'judge' your friendship with him with other relationship / friendships 'the society' is expecting from you both. That's none of their business.

You told us he is very open to you, and that you also talk about sex. Just take for granted that his sexual orientation goes towards females. I don't know if he is curious, but for sure he will give you some hints when this might be the case. Maybe he is curious to try a guy, but not you. Who knows? People are different, and also in their preferences what's a 'sexy guy'.

Somehow, I have the idea that this question ('I like him, and should I tell him') blocks, on one way or on another way, something in a further development of your friendship with him? I think that's very common, and I think you can only come further when you discuss this with each other.

Good luck, and I its great you have such a nice friend.

Best wishes.

 

[Rolyo85]

The only way to tell a straight (or "straight") guy you want him is bluntly, in his face, with a goofy smile, as if you are kidding. I tend to be very open, especially when I get a little tipsy, and my one time with a guy I am about 80% sure is actually straight was due to me being obnoxiously in his face about wanting to have sex with him. He saw me being unapologetically interested, and got tempted.

The trick is to ABSOLUTELY keep any and all feeling out of it. Straight/curious/closeted guys need to know they have an easy way out of it should they decide to chicken at some point.

A casual explanation of the Kinsey scale also helps a lot. I mean, you are basically telling them they can have sex with you and still be perfectly straight.

BUT that goes as far as hooking up. If you have an actual crush and want more, you are likely to be disappointed. Unless the hooking up thing helps him see the light or come out (in case he's in)... My advice though - pinning hopes on straight, closeted or self-hating guys is rarely worth the trouble.

 

[backseatboy]

I think a subtle approach would be easier for me (I probably wouldn't chicken out). In my mind I keep wondering "what if" I might be missing out on a good boyfriend. But, Ganoderma, thanks for reminding me that this friendship can run deep without having to put a label on it. I forget that a lot. I mean, I could see myself telling him that "you're amazing, it sucks you're not gay, b/c I really need to find someone like you". That would give me the chance to say how I feel and see how he takes the compliment. Giving he doesn't freak out, our friendship would just be more deep.

I'm lucky to have him in my life and I think I'm more worried with "what if i tell him and he freaks out and we lose our friendship". and I agree with you Rolyo,"pinning hopes on a straight, closeted or self-hating guy is rarely worth the trouble".

I think I just really want to be in a relationship at this point in my life. But I might need to look elsewhere. Just hard to find good guys like him.

Thanks guys

 

[jensu846]

If he knows youre gay & still nothing has happened after all these years, then nothing is going to happen. sorry. just my opinion.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, Yeah.

What you are doing is trying to convince yourself he's gay. You're not telling us this to get an opinion on him, you want us to validate what you really really really really want to happen.

If you tell him you're in love with him you will irrevocably change your relationship.

Because that makes your feelings about him and drops them in his lap for him to deal with - and that is not being a friend.

You don't want to respect his heterosexuality, you want to change it, you want him to become "suddenly gay," for you and what you aren't doing is asking yourself what telling him you love him is going to do to his comfort level with regards to being around you. ANYTIME you make an expression like that it changes things, and if you aren't dating him - that can only make anyone uncomfortable.

No one likes to get blindsided with expressions of undying love from people they have no interest in, and while it's probably possible to get away with a purely sexual expression of interest, the moment you start talking romance - that's a game changer.

Plus it's not fair. He didn't ask for your declaration or your emotions, he's not led you on, he told you he was straight, how selfish is it to burden him because you have to get it off your chest?

Go find a nice GAY man to obsess over. You'll be much happier.

 

[Críostóir]

DON'T.

Just DON'T.

It's a bad idea. I know we're in the era of "reveal everything," but some things are best kept to yourself. Be friends, but learn to live with the disappointment.

This is a mistake most gay men make at some point. Learn from our fails! Don't do it. It will damage your friendship. Seriously.

 

[looseliam]

I've been down this road before.

You've got the perfect friend - don't spoil it.

Broaden your horizons and try and meet other gays.

Think of it this way: if you confess to him and it goes south, to whom do you turn? Now, if you meet someone else and it goes south, you can still turn to him for support.

 

[slnattak]

The real issue is not you liking a straight guy.

The real issue is you don't believe or think that a gay guy can be those things. In your head you are associating being gay with something negative still and so you can't find a gay guy that's as hot as your str8 male pals.

And I'm sure gay men have been seriously rude to you before for being flamboyant, whereas a straight guy accepts you for those things, because the feminine is what they are attracted to anyway.

I know it hurts. I have myself been mistreated by tons of gay men because I didn't live up to their manly fantasies. They were SERIOUSLY rude and INCREDIBLY bitter towards me because I am not macho manly man. I find it hilarious now , how you can get so seriously upset at somebody just because they're not macho.

The only way to get over this is to just believe and know there are other gay guys that will treat you very well and decently even if you are flamboyant and like a typical gay man that doesn't even know how to drive a car. But the question is: Can you also treat other gay men kindly that are like this, and even find them boyfriend material?

Or are you too busy worrying or not how much of a man your man is acting like?

Those are all barriers for twu wuv and gay romance. Or do you really just want sex.

Just have to be truly honest with yourself man.

 

[KaraBulut]

Telling straight guys that you have a crush on them is like having a girl tell a gay guy that she has a crush on him. It's something that the person doing the telling is doing for their own purposes- as a confession, to get it off their chest and in the hope that there's an iota of a chance that the other person might possible kinda sorta maybe like them too.

These things almost always play out one of two ways:

1. The guy says "Wow, I'm flattered but I'm not gay". And things are a little uncomfortable.
2. The guy gets weirded out and things get very uncomfortable.

In other words, like most selfish things a person can do, it defies the definition of being a "friend" and it's a great way to ruin a friendship.

 

[andy0303]

for me, just dont tell him.. accordng to my own personal experience.. im know im not str8 but im bisexual i like straight guys so im not into gays actually so im not really open for any gay realationships its not my thing. im only into girls when it comes of having relationships.. so one of my classmate just talk to me about he having a crush on me, so once i got to know that im not really comfortable having him around, idk why but that what i feel..

 

[backseatboy]

Thanks for all the feedback. I never thought getting things off my chest was a bad/selfish thing thing. I travel a lot and have gotten used to telling people how I feel b/c I don't have a lot of time in general. But, I can see how dropping that in his lap could be a burden.

I don't have much faith there are other people as good as him out there. I'll work on believing that tho. I won't tell him how I feel. It really sucks b/c all I want is a relationship with someone who has all of this qualities. I want to give myself a shot at that with him. But it isn't worth risking being his friend.

 

[Seasoned]

Fear of any kind in terms of a future relationship, ie, not having one or the general fear of coming out can lead to fantasy thinking such as, wouldn't it be great if my best friend was harboring the same thoughts and feelings for me as I have for him? Before I told my ex-wife I was gay I fantasized her responses would be that she was lesbian.

Crushes on friends that aren't curbed can lead to an obsessive fantasy life and keep one from exploring the world at large.

I'm happy that you've sifted through all that was written and discovered what might work best for you.

 

[anton87]

Dannyclouds has a point: Don't regret.

Tell him when the time is right.

 

[joeG23]

He knows you like him. He's your friend. He sounds like a good friend too. Don't complicate it for you or for him. This is one where you have to be grateful for what you have got, and lower your expectations. Let him take the initiative. If he doesn't you still have a good friend.