Do or Don't: Coming out

[heytheree]

Hey y'all, I'm kinda new here (not really, but I've sorta never post anything before) and I need an advice. Sorry if my post is too long for ya

So, to start it off, I guess I need to lay some background. I live in a country and family where homosexuality (and all it's friends) is taboo. Religion has a play in it, but it's mostly society taboo. There are some LGBT movements in my country but it is very oppressed.

Now I'm not saying that I NEVER talk about my sexuality. The only occurrences where I tell people I'm gay is at forums such as these, plus the time when I came out to my twin brother (the only one who knows I'm gay in real life).

So point is, I just started off college near my hometown, but I'm planning to switch college to somewhere far away from home where it's possible to, well you know, start my gay debut (lol). Thing is, I'm not sure I'm safe anywhere in my country to openly express my sexuality, and I don't know whether it's worth it to do so. I can come out and throw away all my pent up burden, but with the risk of getting shamed, isolated, and worst of all, shut away by my family (except my bro, I hope). Maybe I should keep hiding in the closet, or maybe I should fly off to another country, hell I don't know.

I'm sure there's someone here who has similar experiences as I am, or maybe someone who feels they know what to do in this situation.

So there ya go. I know my question is waaay to broad, but I guess I just need a general advice. Thanks for your time anyway :*

 

[TX-Beau]

The first rule is, don't come out if it's going to get you executed, work on getting yourself somewhere that won't happen THEN come out.

Now plenty of guys will pretend TO themselves that they are in danger to avoid the subject, but there are places in the world where that is a legitimate issue. So you put that together with the second rule:

You will come out when you are ready, and you'll know you're ready when you start doing it. Together they form a rough guide to coming out, you won't be happy if you come out in Iran, you won't be happy if you stay closeted in San Francisco.

The third rule is support your own damn self - if you are financially independent whatever the consequences are you still have a home and food on the table, you also won't be happy living on the street. If you are in college and you think your parents will yank your tuition if you tell them GRADUATE FIRST.

Safety first, then security, then hopefully lots and lots of dick.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh yeah, and in the mean time, come in here and we'll help you cope.

 

[checkinthingsout]

The third rule is support your own damn self - if you are financially independent whatever the consequences are you still have a home and food on the table, you also won't be happy living on the street. If you are in college and you think your parents will yank your tuition if you tell them GRADUATE FIRST.

Please, please heed this part of the message. From a practicality stand point your life will be So much better if you do not have to worry about serious financial repercussions of coming out. Sometimes, money can be used to control others, and until you have full control over your own situation, you will be subject to the will of others. Speaking from recent life experiences, you will have PLENTY of time to be as gay and out as you want to be after getting through school and getting a job, and it will be that much more satisfying.

So Where are you btw?

 

[heytheree]

The first rule is, don't come out if it's going to get you executed, work on getting yourself somewhere that won't happen THEN come out.

Now plenty of guys will pretend TO themselves that they are in danger to avoid the subject, but there are places in the world where that is a legitimate issue. So you put that together with the second rule:

You will come out when you are ready, and you'll know you're ready when you start doing it. Together they form a rough guide to coming out, you won't be happy if you come out in Iran, you won't be happy if you stay closeted in San Francisco.

The third rule is support your own damn self - if you are financially independent whatever the consequences are you still have a home and food on the table, you also won't be happy living on the street. If you are in college and you think your parents will yank your tuition if you tell them GRADUATE FIRST.

Safety first, then security, then hopefully lots and lots of dick.

I hear you. Those are some fine advices there, thanks For the first rule, I'm pretty sure I won't get executed by coming out. What I'm worried about is the probable persecution from the public. I'm sure I'll be okay if I'm careful though. I don't think I need to come out completely, for example I might be able to find a community of sorts where I can be open about it (there are some in my country), while still being closeted to my family and friends. This way I may be able to do what I like without the risks

I totally agree with your third point. I guess right now I'm too dependent both financially and emotionally that I couldn't see myself separating from my family. I hope it'll change when I graduate. I know that getting graduated and getting a job (in other words getting financially independent) should come first before coming out. The problem is that I love my family, I really do, and I'd hate hurt their feelings. I'm pretty sure my parents would disown me if I come out to them. If I'm already supporting myself, it would pose no problem to me, but it would tear my family apart. That's why, if the possibility exists, I want to be able join in a gay community WITHOUT coming out to public. Sort of like having two lives.

Please, please heed this part of the message.

Yeah, I think that's the most important point too. I guess I need to make sure I'm financially independent before coming out, in order to decrease the risks.

So Where are you btw?

For the sake of anonymity, I won't say it to you, but let's just say it's a muslim dominant country. Not an authoritarian one like Iran, but also not a liberal one.

 

[KaraBulut]

I can come out and throw away all my pent up burden, but with the risk of getting shamed, isolated, and worst of all, shut away by my family (except my bro, I hope). Maybe I should keep hiding in the closet, or maybe I should fly off to another country, hell I don't know.

...You will come out when you are ready, and you'll know you're ready when you start doing it. Together they form a rough guide to coming out, you won't be happy if you come out in Iran, you won't be happy if you stay closeted in San Francisco.

One thing for you to think about is exactly what "coming out" means for you.

To follow through with the Iran/San Francisco comparison, the definition of "coming out" in Iran is very different from the definition in San Francisco. In a conservative society, coming out may mean being "out" to your closest friends and within your home. In a place like San Francisco, the definition of "out" goes to public extremes that a person in a conservative would never consider.

If you're one of those people who wants to live a more public "out" life, then the place that you're living is probably not ever going to be a place where you will happy. That does mean that leaving your country and moving to a more accepting country will be your best option.

On the other hand, if you are happy being gay only in private - in your home, with your closest friends and with a partner who will never be publicly acknowledged as your partner- then you could make a go of it in your country, perhaps in a larger city.

 

[heytheree]

On the other hand, if you are happy being gay only in private - in your home, with your closest friends and with a partner who will never be publicly acknowledged as your partner- then you could make a go of it in your country, perhaps in a larger city.

Exactly what I said. In my situation, that would be my best bet. I think of coming out only in a certain circle while remaining in the closet for the rest. For example, I can never come out to my family and current friends, but if I can find and join a certain circle of people with the same 'interest' as me, it might cope well with me, without ever publicly come out. Would it be complicated though? It would be like living double lives wouldn't it?

I don't know whether this kind of thing would make me happy or not. Would love it if someone share his experience regarding this topic.

 

[Seasoned]

What you describe is how gay life was lived until very recently throughout the world. So, yes, it is possible. Of course, it's difficult and there's a certain amount of fear and having to be on guard. The consequence of being found out can be severe, but having some moments and a partner and/or friends with whom you can be yourself helps make a dual life easier.

It's so sad and foolish that this is still such an enormous issues for some cultures, religions and countries and that gay people everywhere can be in danger in certain situations. I hope you'll soon be able to network with gay people in your country. That will be an enormous help to you as they will be living in exactly the same circumstance.

Please visit here often for support. You should also feel comfortable sending private messages to anyone here with whom you feel comfortable. I do wish things were easier for you.

 

[heytheree]

Thanks for the support, Seasoned. And everyone else of course ^^
It makes me sad too when I think about the repercussions of being gay in my country, but I can only be thankful. Many people has it way worse. I still can't get over the time when Saudi government beheaded two gay boys. At least here, I can still have a chance of coming out and even connect with people like me in the internet. Like what we're doing now.

I decided some time ago that it's a good thing to socialise in forums like JUB so I can express my feeling freely, and that's when I start coming out in the internet (anonymously, of course). Sad thing is, even if it's in the internet, there's still risks of being found out. There's this time when my friend sweeps through my photos and found a screenshot of a chat that contains a talk about being gay. I just swoop my phone and made an excuse. I swore that I won't keep compromising photos in my phone ever again.

I know it's not good to think negatively, but if the internet already has that much risk, I keep getting cold feet if I think about doing it in real life. The constant fear, ugh.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for the support, Seasoned. And everyone else of course ^^
It makes me sad too when I think about the repercussions of being gay in my country, but I can only be thankful. Many people has it way worse. I still can't get over the time when Saudi government beheaded two gay boys. At least here, I can still have a chance of coming out and even connect with people like me in the internet. Like what we're doing now.

I decided some time ago that it's a good thing to socialise in forums like JUB so I can express my feeling freely, and that's when I start coming out in the internet (anonymously, of course). Sad thing is, even if it's in the internet, there's still risks of being found out. There's this time when my friend sweeps through my photos and found a screenshot of a chat that contains a talk about being gay. I just swoop my phone and made an excuse. I swore that I won't keep compromising photos in my phone ever again.

I know it's not good to think negatively, but if the internet already has that much risk, I keep getting cold feet if I think about doing it in real life. The constant fear, ugh.

Most of us understand the fear, my family is very religious and very traditional. I thought they would toss me out before I told them, some tried ( I refused to be tossed out - it's a tactic that they just don't expect) most didn't, and that was a big surprise. Of course Texas isn't Saudi Arabia but there are still risks you run.

I just realize that for me there was no choice but coming out fully, because I wasn't going to survive living in the closet.

 

[Seasoned]

Thanks for the support, Seasoned. And everyone else of course ^^
It makes me sad too when I think about the repercussions of being gay in my country, but I can only be thankful. Many people has it way worse. I still can't get over the time when Saudi government beheaded two gay boys. At least here, I can still have a chance of coming out and even connect with people like me in the internet. Like what we're doing now.

I decided some time ago that it's a good thing to socialise in forums like JUB so I can express my feeling freely, and that's when I start coming out in the internet (anonymously, of course). Sad thing is, even if it's in the internet, there's still risks of being found out. There's this time when my friend sweeps through my photos and found a screenshot of a chat that contains a talk about being gay. I just swoop my phone and made an excuse. I swore that I won't keep compromising photos in my phone ever again.

I know it's not good to think negatively, but if the internet already has that much risk, I keep getting cold feet if I think about doing it in real life. The constant fear, ugh.

I'm saddened the the risk is high for you. I hope you're able to make some real connections soon. Over time, things will change for you as they have for us due to individual and group bravery. Try to take safe risks whenever you can. There are guys just like you in your country. I hope you find some for face to face support. I'm sorry that you are oppressed and I'm happy you found Just Us Boys. Many of us would be happy to get a private message from you. You're not alone.

 

[heytheree]

Most of us understand the fear, my family is very religious and very traditional. I thought they would toss me out before I told them, some tried ( I refused to be tossed out - it's a tactic that they just don't expect) most didn't, and that was a big surprise. Of course Texas isn't Saudi Arabia but there are still risks you run.

I just realize that for me there was no choice but coming out fully, because I wasn't going to survive living in the closet.

Wow, I'm impressed with your stance and bravery. I hope I can be like that if the time ever comes. Sometimes I still hope that my family would somehow be tolerant towards my sexuality, but judging on how they talk about the LGBT movements in our country, I can't help but feel pessimistic. Well, it's due time for me to stop being dependant anyway.

I'm saddened the the risk is high for you. I hope you're able to make some real connections soon. Over time, things will change for you as they have for us due to individual and group bravery. Try to take safe risks whenever you can. There are guys just like you in your country. I hope you find some for face to face support. I'm sorry that you are oppressed and I'm happy you found Just Us Boys. Many of us would be happy to get a private message from you. You're not alone.

Thank you! I appreciate that sentiment, I really do. I have fun here, so I try to be online whenever I can, but with me starting college and living in a dorm really makes it hard. High risk of being found out and all that. That's why I'm rarely online. And posting stuff through mobile is just so troublesome

Nevertheless, I look forward into connecting more with you guys!