Do you actually enjoy being gay?

[Ryuusei Boy]

Hi guys, I'm 21 and gay. I like guys, I don't try to fool myself, but I can't help seeing being gay as some kind of disability. Except, well, people respect and help disabled people. Now, I know it's kind of extreme to compare a sexual orientation to a physical disability, but I just feel being gay is like playing life on "really hard" mode, while everyone else is playing on "very easy". People enjoy being straight.

I'm mostly closeted (I told my mother some time ago, but that's it), and it looks like I'm quite good at "looking normal". Everything is mostly Ok, but there are 2 things I hate the most about being gay:

1- I love my friends, and I don't know if they knowing my gay thingy would change our relationships. Now, I know the "if they're your true friends they'll support you no matter what", but I don't think that's how it works most of the time. I, a gay guy, have a really difficult time accepting the fact that I'm gay in some aspects - I don't even like the word "gay", I hate it. And thinking about my gay self in 30 years creeps me out. People who are raised to hate "fags" for whatever reason will obviously have even more problems to accept homosexuality. I hang out with people I like, so I can't simply substitute my friends with random gay guys just because they're gay. That leads me to...

2- I don't like most gay people I've met online. They're almost all dumb, superficial, way-too-girly, way-too-sex-driven, promiscuous, and overall boring. I've met a couple of gay guys in person, and it's just the same. Now, I know I can't simply generalize like that, but that means finding a potential good gay friend is absurdly difficult. Finding good friends regardless of their sexuality is hard enough, trying to find a good gay friend looks practically impossible. If I can't find a gay friend, it's safe to assume I won't find a boyfriend anytime soon. That means I'll be virgin for a long, long time.

Life is pretty awesome otherwise. It must be awesome to be straight.

Basically, being gay has not been nice for me. Life should not be that difficult for gay people.

End of rant, I bet you get lot of these around here. I'd love to read some opinions.

 

[terps420]

You're preaching to the choir.

Life is difficult either way brother.

I'm not exclusively into guys and can only imagine what solely being attracted to just men for an entire lifetime would be like, but I figure it wouldn't be much more difficult than being straight. I mean, besides not being able to get married and getting your head cut off in Africa and all the Muslim countries except Turkey and blah blah blah. Trust me... being in a heterosexual relationship is just like being in a homosexual one. There are rules, games, sex is a weapon, there are good times, bad times, etc. I suppose the only difference in gay relationships is that fights tend to break out over the dynamics and how you treat eachother in public as opposed to how you're with them in private (since obviously it's not completely socially kosher to display affection for gays the way it is for straights). Other than that... they're just like everything else in life worth having: exhausting, difficult, time-consuming, and expensive.

You absolutely must never call your sexuality a thingy ever again though. There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing wrong with you dude. The only way to stop being labeled through your sexuality is to stop hiding it like if there's something wrong with it.

I mean, when it comes down to it, what thought creeps you out more?

Your gay self 30 years from now?

Or- your closeted gay self who has lived a lifetime of repression, shame and loneliness 30 years from now?

 

[Royal Heart]

I used to be feel that way.

Now .. I don't not enjoy being gay. I guess. I don't really think about it much anymore.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I mean, when it comes down to it, what thought creeps you out more?

Your gay self 30 years from now?

Or- your closeted gay self who has lived a lifetime of repression, shame and loneliness 30 years from now?

Well, that's basically my point. When you are gay, you have to decide if you want to "be yourself" and face countless problems including potentially destroying valuable relationships with relatives and friends that took years to build, and endless social discrimination that will probably last until they day you die. And even if you do that, finding someone you fully like is still hard as hell.

Or you can be in my situation. So, yeah, being gay blows. That's why I think straight people live easier lives - they can just be themselves without additional negative effects.

Quoting Royal Heart's profile:
I don't even think of myself as being "gay", I think of myself as being me.

That's practically me. Except I'm not open about my sexuality.

 

[terps420]

Those relationships would only be considered "valuable" if the people you were in them with deemed you worthy enough of accepting you for the way you are though, right?

All I'm saying is, you have three inevitable choices.

You can be ashamed and hide for the rest of your life.

You can be out but still ashamed and just try to suffer through the "endless social discrimination that will probably last until the day you die"

Or

You can be open and honest about yourself and try to make your life- the life you're already living and the only one you're ever going to get- the best as humanly possible, despite the social stigma and everything that comes along with it.

This is all conjecture anyways. I mean, once you find a guy all of this will seem completely trivial.

 

[rareboy]

I'm quite good at "looking normal"

Oh. Please.

I think you just don't understand what being gay is yet.

It isn't only where you put your cock.

Gay guys come in every shape and size known to man.

I've known straight men who were far more girly than the gay guys I know and stop thinking about there being a 'normal'.

So. C'mon out of the closet. Fall in love. Spend the next 27 years with a guy. Be successful in business and as part of your community. Then you'll see how great being a homo is.

 

[Seasoned]

I love being gay. Did I always? No. But self-acceptance goes a long way. Being gay is very liberating. You get to define you and your likes and dislikes. The thing that sucks is heterosexism and the assumption that people are straight.

Sure, it might be easier to just fit in, but why aspire to a grey life? The freedom to break the stereotype is exciting and fun.

So your current friends don't have sex drives? Every single straight guy I ever knew had talked about sex a lot. The difference is that they usually stop when the partner up. Gays can be different. Even after years of being with my partner, I have no problem telling anyone who might be interested that the sex has been grand, a real gift.

 

[Lefty]

o/p, its just my opinion but i think terps hit part of your situation dead on.

when you learn to like and accept yourself those other "thingys" will disappear into the unimportance that they are.
i'm willing to bet that your evaluation of all people, gay.straight, ambi, multi and even non sexual will escalate to a higher level. i know, its trite, oversaid-stated and emphasized but still...when you like yourself its so much easier to like the PEOPLE around you.

best of luck

 

[BlondeCanadian]

Do I like being gay? Well I can not imagine myself any other way so yes I guess I do. Do I think life would be easier if I was straight? obviously. I am openly gay and i have to say that as soon as you start acknowledging it as just another part of you ie my hair is blonde. I like men. your life will be much simpler

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't like/dislike being gay. It's just who I am. I can either accept that and get on with living my life or I can hide, and no offense, obsess about it and all the reasons that being gay is bad. I suspect a lot of your issues are closet ones. It seems so difficult from that side of the closet door, and really, the first huge relief is not having to hide anymore.

For the most part, gay straight, bi, life is what you make of it. If you want to hide for the rest of your life because of how "hard," you perceive being gay is, well, you certainly can do that. But ultimately it's not about "hard," or "like," it's about being faithful to yourself, and building a solid honest foundation for your life. In which you can find many things to do and enjoy.

You're worrying about this stuff because you haven't got to the point where you can just say you are who you are, and fuck you to the idiots who don't like it.

Another thing, I don't think that you don't have gay friends because of the other guys out there, I think that you don't want these guys as friends because you still don't want to associate with anyone who's "Obvious," because that reflects on you. Think about it. There's nothing wrong with being fey, or feminine, nothing wrong with being friends with them, nothing wrong with dating them. Nothing wrong with being any kind of gay guy.

Your issues with the gay community, as it was with all of us when we were in the closet, start with ourselves.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: Do you actually enjoy being gay?

This is the alternative.

Oh, hell yes.

 

[Lefty]

if that was to be my fate, it would be castrata and the opera house or monk hood and gods house..thanks for the night terror kara....i just didn't realize jub was going to be a REALITY venue like tv has become.

 

[ariesstar89]

Honestly, your post almost reminds me of myself from about a lil over a year ago when I first joined this site and first came to my own personal acceptance of my sexuality. In the months/years prior to that point, I would always hate myself for what I knew I ultimately couldn't change. The fact would always linger in the back of my head at almost all points of the day and was made ten times worse when I would be around my family and a gay moment would come on tv or movie.

Now I'm not going to sit here and say that now I'm perfectly content with my sexuality, at times it still lingers and will hit me like a sack of bricks, but overall...I've accepted who I am and honestly couldn't imagine my life being any different. I've been lucky for the most part with being able to come out to certain people in my family and with some close friends, (I even came out to my best friend a while ago that use to hate on gays so much it was like venom coming out of him, but things changed when he learned of his best bud was gay and now he has a complete attitude adjustment. No matter what the issue is, it always can change those closer to you because it hits closer to home), and as I said earlier...I honestly couldn't see myself being happy if I was straight.

So yes, it can still linger in even the most self accepting gays, and as someone said earlier, you're preaching to the choir. You just have to take some time for yourself I think to be able to come to a complete self-acceptance of your life before you can even begin to think about all the "what ifs."

There is only one life we are all given, and in order to be able to enjoy the small time we all have, one must be able to accept who they are. Just my two cents...now go buy something

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

So your current friends don't have sex drives? Every single straight guy I ever knew had talked about sex a lot.

Well, not really. They do talk about sex sometimes, but not really that often. Also, they don't try to fuck me, they don't ask me if I'm top or bottom, and they don't ask me to use a webcam

So. C'mon out of the closet.

Nope. At least not in the "nice to meet you! I'm gay!" way of coming out. I'll eventually tell my friends and family, I guess.

Another thing, I don't think that you don't have gay friends because of the other guys out there, I think that you don't want these guys as friends because you still don't want to associate with anyone who's "Obvious," because that reflects on you. Think about it. There's nothing wrong with being fey, or feminine, nothing wrong with being friends with them, nothing wrong with dating them. Nothing wrong with being any kind of gay guy.

Sometimes I talk to two quite "obvious" guys. They never talk about their orientation, but it's really evident. They're nice, but we're far from being close friends. It takes more that being gay for someone to be your friend. Oh, and my friends talk to them too. I don't think my friends hate them or anything, even if sometimes we make homophobic jokes about them.

There is only one life we are all given, and in order to be able to enjoy the small time we all have, one must be able to accept who they are. Just my two cents...now go buy something

Yeah, I think it all comes down to it. Except for the buying something thing, lol.

------------

You guys certainly know more about this than me, so yeah. Maybe it won't be as bad when I find someone I just don't think that will happen soon.

 

[yehme2]

I kind of know where your're coming from and I am sure most gay people trying to accept themselves go though these thoughts you listed. But, from my personal experience, I have learned to accept what i have, the good and the bad. You cannot simply say that straight people have easier lives. There are a lot of straight people who have very hard lives, a lot harder that gay people. For example, i have had a happy childhood, just imagine how many straight people have had a shit one, abusive parents..etc, and now they're messed up because of it. Life is hard in general and we don't live forever, so if you don't begin to appreciate yours as soon as you know it, your old, grumpy and GAY! lol. You're still young (same age as me) and you have to start having fun, regardless of your sexuality. And also, sexuality is a part of who you are - it does not defy you as a person. When you meet someone for the first time, you don't say: "hi, im gay!". You begin with your name, then comes your character and based on this people view differently. Anyway, being gay is not a disability and you don't have to follow the stereotypes. Always lead and not follow is my motto. Anyway, hope this helps.

 

[Lube]

You've gotten some really astounding advice in this thread. Print it out. Re-read it once a week. Over time, hopefully, your attitudes will change, and your reaction to the messages you've received will change.

Or, at least, I hope so.

Well, not really. They do talk about sex sometimes, but not really that often. Also, they don't try to fuck me, they don't ask me if I'm top or bottom, and they don't ask me to use a webcam

And if you were a straight girl, you'd have to endure pretty much the same thing. So how is being gay any harder?

Nope. At least not in the "nice to meet you! I'm gay!" way of coming out. I'll eventually tell my friends and family, I guess.

That's not the way you come out. Not at all.

You come out the same way straight people come out. By talking about what you did with your boyfriend or date; what movie you saw; what you or he liked about it; what coffee shops you or he like or don't like; etc.

You come out indirectly. You never directly say, "Hi, I'm Joe and I'm gay." Never. That's not what being out is (see my thread about what being out is...)

Sometimes I talk to two quite "obvious" guys. They never talk about their orientation, but it's really evident. They're nice, but we're far from being close friends. It takes more that being gay for someone to be your friend. Oh, and my friends talk to them too. I don't think my friends hate them or anything, even if sometimes we make homophobic jokes about them.

Classy.

Not.

Seriously, you make homophobic jokes?

This is why I tell people it's soooooo important to be out. Because when you're out, you don't have to fake it by bashing on other out (or flamboyant) gay men.

Get some self-respect will ya?

I mean, I understand where you're coming from. It took me decades (literally) to come out to myself. I, too, hated the word 'gay' and didn't want to be associated with it. (However, I never denigrated gays or lesbians; I was always pro-GLBT when I was in denial.) But, after spending lots of time on JUB, I grew to realize that it's OK to be gay. Really. It is. Be proud of who you are.

You guys certainly know more about this than me, so yeah. Maybe it won't be as bad when I find someone I just don't think that will happen soon.

Maybe this is the real cause of your negativity.

As has been mentioned, gay men come in all shapes and sizes. The bear community in particular is populated by men who don't fit the stereotype in terms of body type.

So, you just have to look harder. Hey, that's part of the problem of only being 10% of the population. But that's true of any minority. And we're all minorities in something, whether it's ethnicity or religion or body type or hair color or whatever.

Everybody has battles to fight.

So give up on your pity party, and start getting out there and enjoying your life.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Lol, reading you guys feels really nice. It makes you realize you're not the only one going through this.

Seriously, you make homophobic jokes?

This is why I tell people it's soooooo important to be out. Because when you're out, you don't have to fake it by bashing on other out (or flamboyant) gay men.

Get some self-respect will ya?

I love jokes about gays, Mexicans (I'm from Mexico), geeks (I'm a video game geek), Asians (I have close Asian relatives) etc. I don't see anything wrong with a joke. Laughing at yourself is healthy, isn't it? It's not like I bash those particuluar guys for being gay. It's more fun than discrimination, as I see it.

--------------

Basically, you guys think those problems kind of go away when you are out and meet someone you like, right? It's almost difficult to believe it's that simple. Ok, scratch that, it's not simple at all.

Where do I have to start? As I said before, I don't like the idea of suddenly telling everyone I dig guys. Also, how am I supposed to meet guys like me if they're probably just as closeted as me?

 

[Lube]

Lol, reading you guys feels really nice. It makes you realize you're not the only one going through this.

No, you're not the only one going through this. Been there, done that. This particular forum is the single best thing that made me accept myself. Seriously. Great people here, and a no-flame zone. I might not have come out without it. Or least, I never would've been as accepting of myself without it.

I love jokes about gays, Mexicans (I'm from Mexico), geeks (I'm a video game geek), Asians (I have close Asian relatives) etc. I don't see anything wrong with a joke. Laughing at yourself is healthy, isn't it? It's not like I bash those particuluar guys for being gay. It's more fun than discrimination, as I see it.

Laughing at yourself is healthy. And, sure, gay guys make jokes about gay guys all the time. But you're not an out gay guy. So you're not laughing at yourself. You're laughing at them.

Big, big difference.

Basically, you guys think those problems kind of go away when you are out and meet someone you like, right? It's almost difficult to believe it's that simple. Ok, scratch that, it's not simple at all.

Where do I have to start? As I said before, I don't like the idea of suddenly telling everyone I dig guys. Also, how am I supposed to meet guys like me if they're probably just as closeted as me?

You're right. It's not simple. I've been accused of being too enthusiastic about coming out, and I have to agree there's some legitimacy to that claim.

On the other hand, we often build up the "coming out" to be this BIG HUGE DEAL. And then we do it and... *crickets*. Read some of the coming out posts here, by guys who came out. Sure, there are some bad ones, but those are the exceptions. There are tons more that go like this: "I came out and nothing really happened. I was kind of disappointed."

Now, granted, you're Mexican (presumably Catholic?) and there's probably more conservatism in that group than in the general US population. So perhaps you should talk to some fellow gay Mexicans. I'm sure there are some on JUB.

Oh, and your final comment was classic!

> Also, how am I supposed to meet guys like me if they're probably just as closeted as me?

This is probably the single most-asked question here (or maybe second after "I have a crush on my str8 best friend")!

Well, you're right again! You can't do it. You can't find other gay guys like you if you're both closeted. Somebody has to come out.

Look at my blog posting about finding a good guy. There are ways to find guys with similar interests, but at some point you will have to come out.

 

[Telstra]

Its ok.

my brother have 2 kids. He is divorced !!! I don't see his life is better than me.

Its up to the person to make themselves happy gay or straight.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sometimes I talk to two quite "obvious" guys. They never talk about their orientation, but it's really evident. They're nice, but we're far from being close friends. It takes more that being gay for someone to be your friend. Oh, and my friends talk to them too. I don't think my friends hate them or anything, even if sometimes we make homophobic jokes about them.

So all these friends of yours whom you're lying to, sometimes talk to some gay men and then laugh at them behind their back.

You throw these gay guys under the bus to protect your lie.

Somehow, I just don't think that's very amusing. If you're going to make fun of these guys at least do it to their face.

See how funny you find it when you have to look them in the eye.